Happy(?) Mother's Day

Four years ago, this was me. 

Mother's day was all about relishing in the presence of my five children and waiting in anticipation for the new baby we were soon to meet. I was truly happy and life couldn't get any better. Little did I know, life would get better and then come crashing down in pieces around me. 

 One month later, we put this on our baby's grave. 

Now, we have six living children and our precious angel. That woman who celebrated Mother's Day in 2008, she is long gone. In her place is me. I am a bereaved mother. I don't even remember that who I was. As Mother's Day nears and the weekend is in swing, I feel the dread and anxiety creeping up and it will certainly escape me as we stand at her grave and weep tomorrow. I try to stay busy and focus on other things so that I don't have time or brain power to think about her as much. I love to remember her and tell people about her, but sometimes, the heartache threatens to overwhelm me. That heartache wells up as important holidays approach, holidays that magnify the void left. I think I only like holidays now because of my other children. If I didn't have the kids, I wouldn't celebrate them at all. 

I will NEVER be ok with losing Mary, ever. I will never have a Mother's Day where I won't miss her. I wonder what she would be doing. Would I get adorable hand drawn cards? Would she climb into my bed to snuggle?? Would I be lying in bed nursing her before breakfast? Would she be picking flowers to have me place in a kid cup?? Would she be helping us set the table for breakfast insisting on helping pour glasses of juice?? We will never know what she would be doing or anything about her and that breaks my heart. It's not fair, she should be here with her family. I shouldn't be a bereaved mother. 

This Mother's Day, if you haven't endured the loss of a child, hug your children a little more and reach out to a bereaved mother that you know. We need it, even if we don't come right out and say it. If you are a bereaved mother, I am so sorry, you have my heart and thoughts. 

Now, shortly after this holiday, it will be her birthday, which is going to be much worse than this. This life I have and the feelings it invokes, are why I fight the fight I do, so nobody else has to feel like I do.