Happy Birthday Eve

Written by my husband and taken to the paper today:

When I look up at the sky I see a pair of angel wings go by. It's not a bird, but an angel I see. Through the clouds, she smiles at me. And when I see the brownish red hair I know then that Mary is there. My arms long to hold her next to me. But this is a dream that can never be. She waves and continues on her way, so it is without her that I must face each day. I can only remember her in my heart. With the love and memories, we're not apart.

Written by my 12 year old daughter:

Mary, it's been 4 years since you first came into this world, but, that same day you were taken away. We love you and miss you. Ever since then I have done a lot of things to remember you. Every year for your birthday we go to the cemetery and have lunch there for you. Every year that you've been gone, it drives me to tears because I was there when you were born and when those paramedics took you away from us. Mommy has all of your stuff from that day and she still has the dress she wore for your funeral. We won't ever forget you baby girl. We love you and happy 4th birthday.

Written by my 7 year old son:

Dear Mary, I love you so much. I want you here right now. I miss you. You're so cute. I wish for you to be in my arms right now. I saw your angel at school sometimes. I would buy you anything. I miss you like nuts. When we go to the cemetery to see you I get tears in my eyes. I love you and miss you. Love, Josh

Written by my 10 year old son:

Mary, oh how I wish to hold you in my arms again. Just to show you how much I love you. Just please one last time but up in heaven is where you lay I want to be able to make wishes come true.but it is impossible to make wishes come true. I love you mary.

Written by my 5 year old daughter:

Mary, we love you no matter how old you are we will never forget how much love you angel Mary.
she was the best little sister.


Right now, I cannot form the words to express how I am feeling tonight. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here. I'm angry that she isn't here and that her life was snuffed out before it even began. I hate spending her birthday remembering her. It's just not good enough. Damnit, I want her here, alive and healthy, with her family. No parent should ever go through this, ever. It sucks. I wish I could see her blow out candles. I wish I could see her go nuts over her cake. What flavor ice cream would she want? What flavor cake? Would she love German chocolate like her dad, strawberry like my oldest son, vanilla like the 5 and 7 year olds? What toys would we be buying? What would she be into?? Those are questions that will never be answered. And we will be living with these questions as long as we live. Her siblings will always miss her. Her baby sister will never know her, only hearing stories. One story that has left my oldest daughter almost traumatized. I've had to continuously comfort children today, assuring them that it's ok to feel how they do, knowing tomorrow will be even worse and trying to not fall apart myself.