tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11865446739229600592024-02-19T03:08:25.655-05:00Mothering Many FeetMomofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.comBlogger316125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-31864601632861867212020-06-15T10:17:00.002-04:002020-06-15T10:17:17.145-04:00Turning the Tides<br /><div><span> </span>Those that know about tides know that the moon's pull dictates high and low tides. I view life from this standpoint. We all have outside forces that change our own personal tides, whether these are familial, employment based, or even spiritual. Life doesn't stay the same, it's an evolving process changing who you are all the time, depending upon the factors that are tugging against your very soul. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> A few years ago, I spoke of milestones and memories that we never experienced with Mary Beth. This list continues to grow, but, as a family, we're continuously including her in our lives so that she may be here with us, even if it's in spirit. Last week marked twelve years and that grief, it's still there, but it's different. My heart still hurts and it's embedded into the very core of who I am, but this isn't just who I am anymore. It no longer defines me. </span><br /></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span><span> I miss writing here as there's so much to cover, but, it feels foreign to really discuss anything other than my daughter. However, in going with life changes, this space is going to be evolving to match the life I have now. Mary Beth is not my only child, she just happened to be the one that had such a profound impact on who I've become. In losing her, I became a new person with a new normal. I wish this wasn't how it happened, but, life has a way of shaping you into who you're meant to be and placing you where it wants you. </span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span><span> In my new life, I have three adult children, two of whom are married. My oldest daughter and her husband are now expecting their first child, after battling with infertility. I have three minor children that are still at home. We still say that our youngest was a gift from her sister as her personality is so much larger than even she is. My circle, it's tiny, and I like it that way. I am no longer close to my family of origin. The family I created is my priority, above all else. </span></span></span></div><div><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span><span><span><span> My daughter taught me that life is short and to enjoy every moment with the people you love who love you back. And family, however you define it, that's what really makes life worth living. </span><br /></span></span></span></div>Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-6406063466273106262017-09-26T17:41:00.000-04:002017-09-26T17:41:09.846-04:00In the Eyes of a SiblingMy daughter, age 11, chose to write about her sister for a Language Arts assignment. I just wanted to share.<br /><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> By Mxxxxxxx Cxxxxxx</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 26pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The Little Angel </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Little did I know that day was going to be the first and the last time I saw her. The day was June 5th, 2008. At the time I was only two all my siblings were there, Cxxx, Pxxxx, Exxxxx, and Jxxx. It was early in the morning suddenly my mom went into labor with her second home birth. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I was pushed out of the room and left puzzled while I heard my mom scream. Fourteen hours later a baby cried, “ It’s a healthy baby girl “, said brenda the midwife. We all got to hold her I was majorly excited about being a big sister. My mom went to sleep and we all played with mary the new baby. When I got to hold her I thought she smelled a little like baby powder. My dad thought mary went to sleep, but she wasn’t breathing he woke up my mom in a flash and they left for the hospital. I was honestly a little frightened, Mary was pronounced dead at the hospital and my parents held her for four hours crying no more like breaking down. They were forced to hand mary over, so they came home my older brother josh asked were the new baby was and they told us everything. I was very sad, We went to the funeral my mom bambi said “ we walked in mary was in a tiny casket we should have been burying her in a bassinet”. I saw her in her little white dress she was so adorable, I gave her a kiss and she was cold like ice. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the end MaryBeth Chapman was taken from us as soon as she was given to us. She will always be our little angel. </span></div>
Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-80316309168578040282017-09-24T15:36:00.000-04:002017-09-24T15:36:28.481-04:00Loss, There IS a HierarchyWhen we have losses, whether it's a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal, infant, child, etc, it's said in support groups that loss is loss. I'm going to take an unpopular stance and say that no, loss isn't loss. I'm sure you're starting to grasp your pearls at reading that. Let me explain.<br />
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I will preface this by saying that I have miscarried, twice, in addition to having my daughter pass away. When I had my second miscarriage, I held that little tiny person in my hand and actually had a specimen cup in which to place the tissue in in order to bring it in to the doctor. The experience was terrible. I grieved for a long while over that loss. First one, it didn't really phase me (and that's ok). That baby, I had a whopping eleven weeks with it. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl, so I chose a unisex name. I was so adamant that I refused a D&C! I had to labor and birth my baby myself at home. So, on to my next points now that you know part of my back story.<br />
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When I lost Mary Beth, women told me they understood because they had miscarried. I drew on my experience and let me tell you, the experiences didn't compare. I carried my daughter for 36 1/2 weeks, labored, and gave birth to a living child who (supposedly) was healthy. My miscarriage was nothing like what I went through with her, not by a long shot. In groups, women with miscarriages were considered as being in the same camp as those of us who lost our (actual) babies. Let me tell you, you have not gone through what I have. I can commiserate with you, but you are not like me when it comes to losing my daughter.<br />
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Got your attention now, don't I? As much as I identify as a grieving mother, my loss with Mary doesn't compare to the people I've seen lose their children. It doesn't. My mother had a special needs child that passed away at 6.5 years old. She had so much time with my sister and add in the medical needs, I can only relate to my mom as fellow loss moms (which is a blessing and curse). Back in August, I wrapped my arms around the mother of one of my child's friends and told her she wasn't alone. Her son was 14 and died at his own hands. She had 14 YEARS and has to live with the decision her child made. Her grief and life aren't even fathomable to me. Last night, I held a mom who was watching her son die from cancer in hospice. He lost his battle today at 21 years of age. I knew her son as a lively, artistic, and eccentric young man. Her grief and what she has been going through, my loss is NOTHING compared to that.<br />
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This realization hit me last night. Loss groups are out there telling us there is no hierarchy in grief or loss, but there really is. Yes, some of us didn't know a gender or a personality or memories and that in itself does hurt. But, some people have their child for years only to have them ripped away. They have nothing but memories from years together. I have no problem telling my friends that they have it worse than I do, I can't even wrap my mind around what some of them have endured. I've buried my child and cannot imagine what it would be like to lose an older child. I hope I never have to find out.<br />
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I'm going to be honest and say that I feel like I got off easy. My daughter passed away a few hours after she was born. I didn't have the time with her to learn anything or create memories and that will always haunt me. I was shorted with missing out on memories these other women have to draw on. If I listed the moms I've known and/or encountered, who lost children after 2, 5, 6, 8, 14, and 21 years, perhaps you could see your loss from another perspective too. Right now, I admit, what these other moms have went through is so much worse than what I have.<br />
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We need to openly admit that there really is a hierarchy on grief within this loss community. Some, they really do have it worse than we do. As much as we all want to see ourselves as being on someone else's level, we're not and never will be. We have some similarities, but, they're still not enough to say we're the same or going through the same thing. Yes, futures are cut short so there are what-ifs, missed memories, and we all have to learn how to get through various milestones, but that really is as far as it goes. Perhaps instead of using the term hierarchy, I should say that our losses are vastly different though similar, though I still believe burying an hours old baby is almost preferable to watching your 21 year old child die from cancer.<br />
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Let me end with reiterating the fact that, no matter what happened, we all go to bed with various regrets and heartaches. On holidays, we're all going to see/feel that empty space where our child should be. On birthdays, we're going to feel that heartbreak. On death anniversaries, we're going to remember that day wondering if we could have done something different to change the outcome. We're still hurting and wanting our child here with us.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-15963251639076785152017-08-15T22:00:00.000-04:002017-08-15T22:00:55.751-04:00My Childs Friend Took His LifeAs I sat in my room yesterday morning, my 15 year son walked in and sat on the edge of my bed after having been fishing with friends. His demeanor was off while his friend seemed very solemn. When he sat, he began crying. My son is one of those tough boys who doesn't cry, ever. I knew something major had transpired, I just didn't know what.<div>
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After several minutes, he was finally able to utter the words that his friend, whom he had known since Kindergarten, had taken his life late the night before. Being a mom, my heart broke for my child who was now wracked with grief, anger, disbelief, and guilt. This boy had been smiling as he talked to my son last week when we were at the school picking up essentials. As a mom, I cried over this innocent lost life, over what his parents are going through, over what my child is now carrying, and lastly asked myself how I could keep one of my children from feeling that this was their only option. </div>
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My son has taken to rambling on about the situation trying to piece together the whys. He knew of the issues that his friend dealt with throughout school, with the most prominent one being bullying from other children. There is so much talked about in regards to this, so I wonder why it's just not working. Are we not taking this seriously? We know children commit suicide over this. I know and have seen bullying not taken seriously by administrators as I've been that parent. My child was bullied and it wasn't taken seriously until my son sent his bully to the hospital. It shouldn't have reached that point. It should have been taken seriously when my child was hurt six months prior!</div>
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My son is trying to figure out what he could have done. He's angry with the kids that knowingly bullied his friend and are now posting RIP things on social media. He wonders if he should have tried spending more time with his friend over the summer, but his parents disliked their sons friends. My son helped him the last time he felt this way and wonders if he could have helped him the other day. </div>
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I feel terrible that he is now carrying this weight, it's not something that a child should deal with. He already told me he can do services alone, which I nixed. He needs our support as he works through this. </div>
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Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-56046344161910809922017-08-08T19:46:00.000-04:002017-08-08T19:46:55.061-04:00Dads Grieve Too<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhseTKGzBb5UkDv52UHElrmXCetsBtoOj91QWHlS6S7SFncGmf_or7F5LxvdOLgQ7MOLXV0h67wUR9kcJFiPD4T4HGzFxFEmNg-oM7xSsD6NhKcbPQq7fPQJgwUNZeKwUI2tF-Snt91bkk/s1600/10400195_91306005265_5048949_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="603" data-original-width="483" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhseTKGzBb5UkDv52UHElrmXCetsBtoOj91QWHlS6S7SFncGmf_or7F5LxvdOLgQ7MOLXV0h67wUR9kcJFiPD4T4HGzFxFEmNg-oM7xSsD6NhKcbPQq7fPQJgwUNZeKwUI2tF-Snt91bkk/s320/10400195_91306005265_5048949_n.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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Oftentimes, when we lose our children, people are concerned for mom. They are worried about whether or not we've eaten, how are we sleeping, how we are emotionally, how are we feeling physically, etc. The concern lies with mom. That child we have just lost is only half ours, with the other half belonging to dad.<br />
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Let me say it- Dads matter too. They've also just lost their child.<br />
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During grief these men are overlooked. Nobody asks how they're feeling, if they even acknowledge his roll in that child's life. Us moms, if we have a loss during or immediately following pregnancy, are enduring all the postpartum body changes. Other than that, our partners are dealing with the same emotions.<br />
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Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding manhood says that our partners are suppose to be our rock and support us. The stigma says that men don't have feelings surrounding the loss of our babies. It doesn't acknowledge men grieving in any way. All that this does is create hurting men and further the stigma about how men are suppose to be. Look at the support out there, it is predominantly geared towards us mothers. There's virtually nothing for fathers. We even have a Bereaved Mother's Day. There is no Bereaved Fathers Day.<br />
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Having spoken with my partner, he's opened my eyes as to the disservice being done to fathers. He really felt as if he didn't matter. When Mary passed away, he had to be strong and support me. Nobody ever asked how he was feeling. He felt like he had to suppress everything he was feeling and I can say that it threw a wrench in how he handled his grief.<br />
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The reason I choose the above photo is to illustrate the emotion that so many fathers have to keep inside. This rocks them to their core. They're devastated. They have lost something precious to them that they love. They feel the same way that we do.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-39102201485050027662017-08-08T19:44:00.000-04:002017-08-08T19:46:16.710-04:00More than MilestonesWhen my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.<br />
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I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.<br />
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As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.<br />
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There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.<br />
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Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.<br />
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As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.<br />
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We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-66497250919370238872017-07-03T13:39:00.000-04:002017-07-03T13:47:05.486-04:00The Blame Game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGwYVRBPEtaBg4OSoS4mVHh7CRc41VPMHxUrsdlxS2kVqoU-7xlJDWOG20Nttkp7lmMbHXDQ7xhSJhcOflP86kucen5jc0C0VhUdYrv4IQmpGe55j_KKYc8rbCJ5VAnpc_omFUqqxdS0/s1600/18198347_1503818299690449_7052256839243148501_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGwYVRBPEtaBg4OSoS4mVHh7CRc41VPMHxUrsdlxS2kVqoU-7xlJDWOG20Nttkp7lmMbHXDQ7xhSJhcOflP86kucen5jc0C0VhUdYrv4IQmpGe55j_KKYc8rbCJ5VAnpc_omFUqqxdS0/s320/18198347_1503818299690449_7052256839243148501_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Being immersed in the world that I am, stories of loss either come to my attention or are brought to my attention. After I read these, I peruse comments. I am oftentimes brokenhearted for the parents that are sure to one day see these terrible things that are written about them. I've seen the horrible comments that people have made placing all the blame for my daughter on me. The things that have been said, I can assure you, are not things that I haven't dwelled upon or felt since that day.<br />
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As a human being that wears these shoes, I can assure you that your criticism has a negative impact upon me, even if I don't know you. I have blamed myself since the day she passed away. I wonder if I could have done this or that different. Looking back, I know I could have done something different. I wonder what kind of mother that I am even though those around me tell me that I'm a good mom. It seems that the moms that stay calm and speak in matter-of-fact tones are criticized for not falling apart or freaking out. Let me assure you that those times come, even if you don't feel it when it happens. This is shock, the body and brain go into protection mode. I remember feeling such disbelief that this was happening, I couldn't wrap my brain around it. It's normal for a person going through a trauma to just shut down. Losing your child is one of the worst traumas you can endure.<br />
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When a mother chooses to share her story with you, or anyone for that matter, she's sharing her vulnerable heart with you. As a human being, you should feel almost obligated to do what you can to not injure that heart further. Look at it as an open wound. If someone you knew had an open wound that was trying to heal, would you help bandage it to protect it and help it heal or would you injure it further and prevent healing?<br />
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Though some of us have chosen to speak out, it's vital to remember that some women can't whether it's due to the emotional/mental aspect or due to the social aspect. I cannot stress how difficult that it is to stand up and say that your child's death was preventable and that you accept responsibility for the choice you made. That was one of the hardest things that I had ever done. I live with this realization every day and I wouldn't wish it upon any other mother. For some, they cannot speak up because their "support network" would turn on them causing them to lose people they value. Though some prefer that mothers share to help prevent deaths, many cannot fathom what is at stake should they choose to go this route. Of course, if they decide to, they can find support with mothers like myself and the friends I have. This should never be expected of them though. We should accept their decision in how they choose to approach the topic.<br />
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The ways in which moms are treated directly correlates to the silence that occurs after a death. Sadly, this is the example that other mothers see as well, so nobody will want to say anything about their child's death. If the death was preventable, this means there will be less women wanting to share or make a difference. How can babies be saved when the mothers are blamed and shamed into silence? They can't and won't.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-22477665470629148242017-06-28T23:47:00.000-04:002017-06-29T00:06:33.953-04:00It's Been Nine Years<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA66vWAwIjESzL1Y_RLlF-GZtdjR5u2G_73u0aaOgh6EKeRj-Sgn2EqsY1gM7NEtYbstbeliMtbmM0oET0HIW9RGsvfbraeYynr29lLAzmoMv1BEqkLpoCpgO9dlrMhA5jYfRO9nd9280/s1600/18893251_10155082480640266_3317985068840787766_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA66vWAwIjESzL1Y_RLlF-GZtdjR5u2G_73u0aaOgh6EKeRj-Sgn2EqsY1gM7NEtYbstbeliMtbmM0oET0HIW9RGsvfbraeYynr29lLAzmoMv1BEqkLpoCpgO9dlrMhA5jYfRO9nd9280/s320/18893251_10155082480640266_3317985068840787766_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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As I was at the cemetery tonight, hoping to not accidently get locked in, I kissed my daughter's headstone and caught a glimpse of the birthday candle we left on the top earlier this month. It's been nine years- Nine years since that fateful day, nine years since I held my daughter in my arms, nine years since I've seen her face, nine years since I've stroked her hair, nine years since I held those tiny fingers. Nine years. Nine years later I still get teary having to leave my daughter, my baby, in a cemetery.<br />
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The woman I was on June 4th, 2008 is nowhere to be found. She died with her child. Instead, this woman was born in her place. I was thrust into a role that no mother wants to find herself in. That role became a vital part of my identity. For a time, my role as a bereaved mother consumed my life. I had to grieve and find the strength to fight for my child because I was the only voice she had. Many hoped that I would fade off into the distance, and I did for a time, but I still held that voice because I'm her mother.<br />
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Looking at life now, I still have posters tell me they remember her story and share the ways that it helped them whether it was after their child passed or those who chose to change birth plans. Some remember things I've written that impacted them in some way. It humbles me to know that my daughter has made a difference in this world. I remember being threatened into being quiet, and I did it for a little while, but, I overcame these homebirth bullies.<br />
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Somehow, I've made it this far. How it happened can only be attributed to the loving family and friends that I have. As I drove away from that cemetery, I cried that I was the one that should have been in the ground, I'd trade places with her in a second. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I really think we're usually numb to the pain of leaving our child where they don't belong. After this, I'm reminded of everything GOOD that has come out of this HORRIBLE situation. Sometimes, you just need to know that she mattered, her story matters, and sharing your pain can help to bring about something positive for someone else- like watching their child grow up. I need to be reminded that she didn't die in vain.<br />
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<br />Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-50345791174008740982015-06-30T20:35:00.001-04:002015-06-30T20:35:53.508-04:00Improving Birth, Making a Mockery of Fallen Soldiers<div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Improving Birth has, once again, outdone themselves with their newest event. According to Michelle Hartney,</span> "<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.7600002288818px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 18.7600002288818px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Participants will stand together in pairs and fold the hospital gowns into triangles, similar to the way U.S. soldiers fold flags at a military funeral.". </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">That's right, folks, they will be folding up hospital gowns mimicking flag folding at military funerals. The purpose of this is</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "</span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.7600002288818px;">It’s about women being capable of making safer, more informed decisions about their care and that of their babies, when they are given full and accurate information about their care options, including the potential harms, benefits, and alternatives. It’s about respect for women and their decisions in childbirth, including how, where, and with whom they give birth; and the right to be treated with dignity and compassion.".</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 18.7600002288818px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I am unsure as to how this has anything to do with military honors as the organizer, Michelle, has chosen to remove or make this even private due to the sheer amount of posters that could not support this behavior. </span></span></blockquote>
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With my military ties, I find this idea to be highly offensive, yet was told that UI was just a troll who didn't care about the military (although this person had no idea of my familial makeup). Our soldiers give their lives for our freedom, even the freedom for these first world women to mock them. However, my question is why?? Why make a mockery of this very sacred tradition?? The name of the event is Mother's Right. Oddly enough, for this group being about mother's rights, they trample all over homebirth loss mothers like myself, taking away all rights to, not only informed consent, but rights to respect, rights to be treated with dignity, and especially rights to compassion. </div>
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Birth has absolutely nothing to do with military service! If you want to have a protest, burn some hospital gowns, it's up to you, but please don't make a mockery of our fallen service members. It has now come to my attention that Michelle removed this event (or made it private). However, the fact that she and multiple women wanted to hold this is enough to make us take pause and question their motives. </div>
Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-67520927379178450602015-06-05T17:02:00.000-04:002015-06-05T17:02:34.999-04:00To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth <br />
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Dear Mother,<br />
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I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.<br />
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Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.<br />
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Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.<br />
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Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.<br />
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I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-79665800569328245332015-05-05T14:11:00.000-04:002015-05-05T14:11:01.064-04:00Life Is Crazy!!<br />
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I am so sorry to of neglected this blog! I really need to get on the ball and post regularly, but this past month and a half have been absolutely insane.<br />
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Mary's birthday is in exactly a month. As much as I try to not think about it, it's still right there. Mother's day is Sunday, and that's usually when I begin my downward spiral. I thought that after these years it wouldn't cause so much trepidation, but apparently I'm not there yet. Maybe one day. No matter what I'm feeling, I'm still going to put a smile on my face and continue living. I'm more than just a loss/angel/dead baby mom. You know, without this little girl, and everything that happened I wouldn't be where I am. She has helped shape my life in so many ways.<br />
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School: So far, in English, I have an A. I'm still waiting to get two grades back, but it shouldn't be an issue. I majorly kicked butt in that class. That class has led me to change my major to Technical Communications. Writing is my hobby and I can be passionate about it. My Research Paper ended up with a 100% in a class where the average was much lower than that. I'm hoping to publish my paper here. It still needed a few extra touches, in my opinion, but that's ok! In my Math class, I am actually almost completely done with everything. How it's set up is you have 4 mods per class with each class lasting 8 weeks. Well, I managed to get so far ahead that I will end up receiving credit for additional classes since I've done two semesters worth of work in one, which will eliminate the need to pay for and take these extra classes. I never would of pictured myself doing this and doing it so well! I've received straight A's!! Come fall, I'm buckling down and going to school full time since all six of my children will be in school.<br />
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Lastly, I'm going to start a small blog detailing my adventures with the reward sites I'm on. It would help having some actual experiences out there when looking at these programs. I'll put up a link when I do it, but it will likely not be for a couple weeks.<br />
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<br />Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-42252316384745874892015-04-01T08:52:00.000-04:002015-04-01T08:52:02.059-04:00The More You Learn<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr5CPr5SvEPMKXM85YdyK4WyQF4fcvtDXOSKPvfgN9tHuByIKj-sRNiwJIoLmAelFUX_qFMLEO_QHzjDOjiUHarxX8DC8yGe-0D-B0hKFLwnv5QDr1ajkDYpqXgrroTqeuFGkwaOAhNnk/s1600/th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr5CPr5SvEPMKXM85YdyK4WyQF4fcvtDXOSKPvfgN9tHuByIKj-sRNiwJIoLmAelFUX_qFMLEO_QHzjDOjiUHarxX8DC8yGe-0D-B0hKFLwnv5QDr1ajkDYpqXgrroTqeuFGkwaOAhNnk/s1600/th.jpg" /></a></div>
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Being in school, I've chosen to use my experiences when it comes to writing projects. This was probably not the best idea that I've ever had. Right now, I'm tackling a research project in regards to midwifery, their education, and birth outcomes in relation to that. I'm finding out more than I ever knew in regards to the entire CPM title/certification and sometimes it causes me to have to close my laptop and walk away. This is infuriating and I don't get how I fell for this crap nor how others are ok with it.<br />
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MANA, did you know, they are the ones that created all these other little organizations. We see stuff about how CPM's can CHOOSE to go to an MEAC accredited school. Did you know members of MANA are the MEAC??? I sure as heck didn't know that! Everything in regards to CPM's always sounds so legit and they throw out organization names without telling anybody that they are one big conglomerate. Even NARM was created by them.It's great that they set their mind on trying to be legit, although there is already legit midwifery credentials and organizations out there. However, to have one group decide on everything is just corrupt.<br />
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I happened to come across something called a job analysis, which is what NARM bases their exam on. How is this analysis done?? By surveying direct entry midwives about what skills and knowledge bases they deem important in midwifery. In the latest analysis the survey says they are more concerned with counseling women on alcohol consumption in pregnancy than in knowing how to treat group B strep. Lets take a good look at that. Group B Strep, untreated, will affect 1 in 200 babies and kill 1 in 20. FAS affects .2-2 in 1,000 babies, with the mortality rates at 2.4%. Can anyone with a mathematical background please tell me which one of these is more prevalent? Why in the world are these uneducated women picking and choosing which skill sets they believe are unimportant?? Why is NARM changing the exam to cater to women that have decided they don't see the importance of various skills or knowledge bases? Am I the only one that thinks this is completely nuts??<br />
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Something really has to change. This whole CPM credential needs abolished. We are already seeing the mortality rates rising, in not only babies, but in mothers as well. There is absolutely no excuse as to why these people should be practicing. Frankly, I think the majority are just too lazy and stupid to get a proper education. That's all it is. You want to do something with your life, well, make it happen, properly! Hell, I will need a Bachelors to work in my field. I can't just decide I want to do something and follow another clueless person around. I also won't be facing a life or death situation. For those CPM supporters, you guys need to pull your heads out of your asses and look at this situation without the rose colored glasses.<br /><br /> You may be thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sounds angry". You're right, I am. I am beyond angry that this piss poor standard is promoted. I am pissed that not only did I lose my child, but I have friends that have lost their beautiful babies too. I am pissed that children are losing their mothers. I am pissed that these numbers are on the upswing. I know that it's only a matter of time before some celebrity either losses their baby, dies themselves, or worse- lose both mother and baby (happened recently). Something has to give, people have to stand up. This is getting worse.Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-91028412541936549382015-03-26T10:21:00.000-04:002015-03-26T10:21:00.973-04:00Experiencing Loss After Infant Loss<br />
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Death is a rather uncomfortable topic to address in society. Unfortunately, this is something that we all must face at some point or another. Our family, sadly, was hit by this last month when my husband's grandmother passed away. This was the first loss in the family since our daughter. I know, for me, this caused multiple triggers from when we lost Mary Beth. One of my concerns was that of my children. Back when we lost their sister, they had all been around loss, so I knew the older ones would be ok. However, seeing me break down did cause my oldest daughter to break down as well, but she and I are very close.<br />
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My biggest concern was having to help the youngest two girls navigate this. Yes, the one also went through the loss of her sister, but she wasn't even two when that happened. I almost felt like I was in unfamiliar territory this time. As much as I would love to take them and go hide them from everything that could ever hurt them, I know it's not realistic. Nobody can hide from death. Navigating these waters with children who have, essentially, been untouched by death was a concern as it is for any other parent. So, I began this by being honest. There's no point in trying to lie or sugarcoat this loss. We did have a few advantages in that we do keep photos of Mary around from the funeral home, so they knew there would be a casket and she wouldn't quite look the same. They also were familiar with the cemetery, so there was nothing spooky about going there.<br />
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Mary is laid to rest beside her great grandparent's, with her great grandmother's place being between Mary and her husband. So, in getting the spot ready the caretaker's took it upon themselves to haphazardly toss our daughter's belongings around, which meant broken items. That angered the kids and I. We are on first name basis with one of the guys and he knows this is a family.<br />
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The biggest thing that hit me was lost time. I know we can't always spend every moment with someone, but it still hurts when you don't get that last chance. I'm learning that, no matter what, when someone dies, we're gonna have regrets and things we wished we would of said or done. This, to me, is one of the reasons that I believe we should always tell and show those around us that we love them. She knew I loved her because I told her every time I would hug her. As far as I've always been concerned, she was my grandmother too. I didn't get to really have close relationships with any of my grandparents. She just meant the absolute world to me.<br />
<br />Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-92123388398375985132015-03-22T04:29:00.000-04:002015-03-22T04:29:12.226-04:00Reward Site Reviews<br />
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Over the last few months, I've been checking out some reward sites online just because. I was curious as to what you can actually earn and what it takes. So far, eh, they're not too bad. However, I can say that they are perfect for teens that like to buy little things online! I've lost track of the extra phone chargers (how she goes through them like she does is beyond me) and cases that have been bought. Her last thing was hair extensions! Yeah, this is perfect for those times when you're like "Seriously? Do you need this? Why do you need this?".<br />
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So far, my favorite site is <a href="http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/bambic1998" target="_blank">Swagbucks</a>. The points are actually really easy to earn! Bonus, they have $5 Amazon cards for 450 SB. That's seriously a good deal and, again, is great for those little things on Amazon! You can download the Swagbucks TV app and let videos play while you earn points for them. Printing and using coupons can also earn you points. Shopping online is another point earner. You can't beat it!<br />
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My next two are a tie. <a href="http://paidviewpoint.com/?r=eyaxf6" target="_blank">Paid Viewpoint</a> and <a href="http://hits4pay.com/members/index.cgi?bamchap80" target="_blank">Hits4Pay </a>are both cool! Neither send you a bunch of emails. Neither take much time or effort. <a href="http://paidviewpoint.com/?r=eyaxf6" target="_blank">Paid Viewpoint</a> seems to really tailor their service towards you. The surveys on the site are all very short. That's the selling point with me. <a href="http://hits4pay.com/members/index.cgi?bamchap80" target="_blank">Hits4pay</a>, you earn .02 for viewing all their emails, which stay on their site and don't clutter your inbox. They don't take much time to do, just a couple minutes.<br />
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The rest of the sites, I can't say I'm crazy about, but I enjoy the whole paid email thing and some sites will send out bonus emails worth more than their usual. <a href="http://www.trypandaresearch.com/GxLnqRSgYbyDKq+5rfNXfQ==" target="_blank">Panda Research</a> and <a href="http://www.trymindspay.com/1/ng/9Y2zQwCaZSua+j5PQ==" target="_blank">Mindspay</a> are both really great in that respect. <a href="http://www.trypandaresearch.com/GxLnqRSgYbyDKq+5rfNXfQ==" target="_blank">Panda</a> doesn't seem to do many surveys while <a href="http://www.trymindspay.com/1/ng/9Y2zQwCaZSua+j5PQ==" target="_blank">Mindspay</a> can offer a little more. <a href="http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref19231315" target="_blank">Inbox Dollars</a> and <a href="http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref5635227" target="_blank">Send Earnings</a> are identical. Both have offers like <a href="http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/bambic1998" target="_blank">Swagbacks</a>, but they go above by sending out their paid emails. They also have bonus money to earn for completing a list.<br />
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If you are into surveys, check out the survey sites in the sidebar! I've gotten into <a href="http://www.surveydownline.com/e/s.aspx?fid=12372606" target="_blank">Survey Downline</a>. They don't bombard me and the surveys are fairly painless. It doesn't seem too bad at the moment!<br />
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All this, you can do in about an hour a day, if that! It'll help give you a little extra, too. If there are sites you like that I don't have on here, feel free to comment on this!! Let's compile the good sites!Momofmanyfeethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04910767765118018084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-56658891334439073582015-03-11T03:44:00.000-04:002015-03-11T03:44:47.058-04:00Don't Beat Yourselves Up!<br />
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Yesterday we had another birthday in our home. My third child turned 13! I have three teenagers in my house. Holy cow! This led me to thinking about the early days of parenting versus the teen years. Does it really matter how they came into the world? Did sleeping arrangements or feeding methods affect anything?? Was it worth the stress now that they're older? Let's play a fun game called Match The Kid!<br />
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A. This child was the 21.5 hour labor where I received an epidural 4 hours before birth. We also had pitocin. Said child slept with us, was breastfed for 16 months, but also had formula.<br />
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B. Next child was a 12 hour completely natural labor and birth. Child was breastfed for three months and then put on formula. Baby slept with us most of the time.<br />
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C. Last child was a 6 hour completely natural labor and birth. This one was breastfed for 18 months, but given formula on occasion. Baby also slept with us.<br />
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Now that you know those little tidbits, I'll tell you about each child.<br />
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1. This child is very sweet, loves their siblings, gets straight A's, listens 99% of the time. Has only ever had one health problem. Child is very respectful and helpful.<br />
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2. Next child can be moody, but is generally an angel. Get's B's. Is helpful towards older adults and seniors. No health issues, healthy as can be. Respectful when not moody.<br />
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3. Next child can also be moody, but an angel as well 99% of the time. Gets straight A's. No health problems. Very helpful and respectful, also when not moody.<br />
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So, going with what mothers are told and fed about birth and trivial parenting decisions, I'm here to say it doesn't matter. Our kids will become who they become due to not only their personalities, but in how we actually raise them. What are you TEACHING them? How do you TREAT them?? That is where it all lies. If your child feels loved, accepted, and supported you're going to have an awesome kid! If you put your child down, don't show love, or treat them horribly you are going to be in for a huge rude awakening.<br />
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All of our kids are going to go through stages where they test the waters and, I believe, this also plays a part in who they turn into. Your reaction and behavior will determine the severity of these tests. We don't have to be doormats, but we also can't be doorstops. Sometimes we have to seriously lay down the law regardless, but many of the things kids do aren't really worth getting into it with them over. Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? In child-rearing, this is vital.<br />
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Next time you berate yourself for not doing what the sanctimommies tell you that you should do, walk into a high school and try to pick out the children who were birthed or fed certain ways. I promise, you won't be able to tell!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-47133539025616422632015-02-18T01:19:00.004-05:002015-02-18T01:20:13.899-05:00School and Kids <br />
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I'm in my seventh week of school and slowly questioning my sanity! It seems as though my perceptions of how my classes would go were wrong. I figured I would ace English Composition and completely fail at Pre-Algebra. English Comp has shown me that I still have quite a bit to master where writing is concerned and it's kind of tough! The math, I'm blowing that out of the water and am way past where I need to be. I'm pretty impressed with myself! I did register for some summer classes (10 credit hours, to be exact), but still need to get everything that entails squared away.<br />
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I've noticed that trying to juggle everything has left me pretty frazzled and semi anti-social. It's not incredibly fun. I'm lucky in the fact that I do have two teens (almost three) that can help watch younger siblings when the husband isn't home. Dinner can be ready to go in the crockpot, so everyone gets fed. My kids, thank goodness, are highly intelligent and have been able to help me grasp some of the math I've had to re-learn. It's amazing what these kids are learning these days!<br />
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I have a new found respect for parents who work and go to school. It's a lot to juggle! This also shows my children the benefits of waiting to have children until you have an education and a career. As parents, we always want better for our kids and you never want them to struggle. I want them to have it easier than we did and they know it. I guess that's one of the benefits to having older kids that are here to see and learn. It won't be an old story, it'll be our story.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-65638133062875078682015-01-23T10:41:00.000-05:002015-01-23T10:41:10.034-05:00Meet Catherine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Back when I lived near a local cemetery, I would just meander through the headstones, sometimes snapping photos of ones that catch my eye. This one, it caught my eye. Can you see why?? If you look at it, it says she is buried with her son, but no dates for him. Having a fascination for not only cemeteries, but geneology, I decided to look into this.<br />
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Catherine was born on May 5th 1913 in Pennsylvania. She had a husband named Michael, who was born on August 21st/23rd 1904/5 in Ohio. On September 21st 1932, they welcomed their first child, a little girl named Deloris. On January 24th, 1934, they welcomed their second daughter, Rose. Catherine was born on May 19, 1935. Their daughter Irene was born in in 1936.<br />
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Sometime in the fall, Catherine would of gotten pregnant with her son, Michael JR. I'm sure she was anticipating a normal delivery with him and was likely looking forward to the possibility of this being their first son. Unfortunately, this was not going to have the happy ending that was anticipated.<br />
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On May 27th 1941, due to an obstructed labor, a craniotomy was performed on Michael, who was hydrocephalic. I do NOT recommend googling this operation as it's fairly barbaric. Michael either had a birth defect or an infection or was already gone. Either way, they had to do this in order to remove the baby as it was "less risky" to the mother to do this. They had to do an x-ray to get a visual and then put Catherine through this.<br />
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Sadly, Catherine developed puerperal infection due to the procedure she underwent. Just ten days later at 2:08pm on June 6th, 1941, Catherine passed away due to the infection, leaving behind her husband and four daughters.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-1662612693958295862015-01-22T05:08:00.000-05:002015-01-22T06:05:30.752-05:00Quick updateI cannot believe that I've neglected this blog as much as I have! Life is just crazy anymore. Not only am I a WAH mom, but I'm also a college student! I had decided back in may to go ahead and go back to school to get an Associates in Web Design and Development. I was so excited my first night! I have three classes at the moment, with two being writing intensive and the third being a math class. Needless to say, a few weeks in, I'm not exactly sure that I'm loving the writing intensive stuff, but, I'm breezing through the math.<br/><br/>It's really hard trying to juggle everything, but I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm actually toying with moving everything back to blogger as I really am not that crazy about wordpress and plus, I'm attached to Google services. I think I'll play this one by ear!<br/><br/>I may start writing about homebirth again, but, I need to focus on the life I'm living right now. I'm not even journaling like I'm suppose to for my one class! I do feel guilty not doing as much as I use to because I know it's still needed. The backlash for speaking out was the final nail in the proverbial coffin for me. I think I endured so much that it left me scarred. Who knows what the future holds!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-71218592304818400802014-09-15T09:16:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.739-05:00No Longer ConsumedI got to spend my day yesterday with my dad doing a poker run for my old support group. It was a great day, esp seeing all this support for pregnancy/infant loss. A few times I thought of my daughter. I also thought of my sister. I thought of how we had the loss of our daughter's in common. These weren't those all consuming, depressed thoughts though. <br/><br/> When he dropped me off, he asked if we were going to the cemetery like we've always done on Sundays. I told him no, that we don't go all the time anymore, I didn't have that need. He understood, which is great. However, it's led to me doing a lot of thinking and pondering. I think it's important to the movement that we are able to discuss the latter stages of grief.<br/><br/> When you lose your baby, it really is like a roller coaster. You have your ups and downs, you never know what each day will hold. You just hold on and keep breathing. After that first year, things gradually start looking up. The second year hits, then the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. You find those bad days occurring less and less. The times where you sob and feel your heart being ripped out of your chest, they lessen. Somehow, we gradually just kind of accept what your life is and you kind of accept your child being gone. This isn't to say that sometimes you don't have a meltdown and don't find yourself wistful about how things should of been, because you do. However, I'm finding myself no longer consumed. I love my daughter and miss her more than anything, but, my life has continued on. I can look at her photo and briefly talk about what happened without breaking down. I don't have a need to be at the cemetery the same time every week. I often worry that it makes me look like a bad mom or like I don't care. I think it's just that you do get to that point where it doesn't rule your life. I feel like I have to justify how I feel to myself, I have to remind ME that this is ok. This is why I rarely post on here anymore, I just don't have that need. This is still a little bit of a strange feeling for me, but it's ok, I'm going with it. Part of me is kind of relieved that I'm in this place because it's just so different than it use to be. I'm me, the different me than I was before, but I'm still just ME. I'm not just a loss mom anymore. I am, but, it's not my identity, if that makes sense. I'm going to just accept where I am and go with it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-46390100339718665062014-06-05T18:35:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.663-05:00Celebrating Mary's 6th BirthdayI wanted to sit here and write a long post, but decided that I would give a glimpse into our day of celebrating our daughter's life. I won't call it brief or short because, as far as I am concerned, she lives on. She lives on in the hearts of not only us, but the hearts of our friends and family. Mary also lives on in all we do in this fight. That baby is my inspiration to keep going.<br/><br/>This morning, I got up before everyone and just sat downstairs with my coffee and laptop in the silence. It was nice. I looked at the clock and remembered that morning. I was holding my new daughter who was "in perfect health", Brenda had already left. The times today, I still remember them. As of now, it's 10:50 am and in ten minutes, it'll be exactly 6 years ago that I was woken up to a lifeless baby. My God, I wil always remember that moment. It's a moment no parent should have to live through. At 11:34am, she was pronounced. "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do". I remember being in such shock. "This couldn't be happening, she was healthy, I did everything right, no". I was alone outside that tiny room, but there were so many people, so many people. At times I am still in disbelief that this truly happened, that she really existed. When I share the story, it's like a bad lifetime movie. This stuff doesn't happen in real life, right???<br/><br/>I sat and flipped through all of my photos of her. It's enough to fill two albums on Facebook. That's all I will ever have and it blows. As I looked a these my 12 year old son woke up and cuddled up against me. We looked together. He mentioned how much his 7 year old sister had grown since losing Mary. She was only 21 months at the time. We had to pick her up and hold her so she could touch and kiss her sister during calling hours. She told her "I love you". Although she got to hold Mary when alive, that was the one photo we never took. I will always regret it.<br/><br/>While sitting here with E, I noticed my husband was on his mobile Facebook, so I went on upstairs. My 4 year old was in our bed, so we laid there and cuddled. This is the one thing we really come together on. 4 year old asked if we can go have lunch at Mary Beth's. We said yes, so she decided we'd do pink cupcakes. She was excited that it was her sisters birthday, she loves her sister. Daddy asked if she wanted to go to the store with him, so she jumped up out of bed to go get dressed.<br/><br/>My teen daughter has always been all about her sisters, so, naturally, wanted to be in charge of the baking. She handled making batter while my husband helped the other two girls put some cinnamon rolls in a pan for breakfast. Mommy played photographer. As soon as the cinnamon rolls were in the oven, we just held each other as I let a few tears fall. Our 7 year old came up and joined the hug. It was nice.<br/><br/>Shortly after breakfast and baking, we went ahead and threw sandwiches together and packed a cooler for our picnic with Mary. We hit the local drug store for balloons. This is our yearly tradition. There's always one balloon per person to release, two for the cemetery, and one for home that we tie to her statue in her garden. My husband shed a few tears on the way to the cemetery It breaks my heart to see him hurt like that. As we go walking up to her headstone, we see one big peony blooming against her headstone. I remember when that spot was bare and the only person there was his grandfather. I also remember the day we had to say goodbye at that very spot, gathered around her tiny casket. Until we planted her flowers and got her headstone, you could still see that tell-tale square where she had been placed in the ground. It's now a beautiful place to just go to think about her.<br/><br/>Due to the kids being antsy, we went ahead and released her balloons before anything else. It truly was beautiful. We then laid out our blanket and had lunch. It wasn't too hot, wasn't too cold, and had just the perfect breeze blowing. After eating, I walked around with 5 of the kids to show them a grave we had found the previous weekend while walking in the cemetery. The grave is tucked away and had originally been a spot where a family had buried their lost baby boy. It takes your breath away seeing this spot.<br/><br/>After showing this to the kids, we meandered on through a small infants and children section from the 50's/60's on back to Mary's grave. When we got there, it was decided that we would go ahead and do her cupcake. We bought a #6 candle since we figure we probably wouldn't fit 6 candles on one small cupcake. Everyone gathered around and sang her happy birthday and then we let I blow out her candle. We enjoyed our cupcakes and stayed a little longer. As we were gathering our stuff to leave, J pointed out a deer that wasn't too far away. Unfortunately kids got loud and spooked her before I could get a photo of her. It was really awesome!! We kissed her headstone and said our goodbye's. My husband and I stopped to just hold each other. Times like these, it hurts so much to leave her. I take comfort in knowing that one day I'll be joining her there and won't have to leave her. Our younger boys saw us hugging and had to join in, so it became a group hug.<br/><br/>When we arrived home, we tied her balloon to the baby statue and that gesture means that birthday celebrations are pretty much done and the rest of the day is ours to do as we please. We need that distraction to unwind from all the emotions the day brought on. One funny thing did happen during our picnic- J lost a tooth while eating! We'll have to remember to do the Tooth Fairy thing tonight. One of our friends dropped off a card and bouquet, which we split in half between here and the cemetery, but did not knock or leave a name on the card. We are clueless.<br/><br/>Here are some photos from our celebration.<br/><br/><a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10415895_10152437637615266_2109329532_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2068" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10415895_10152437637615266_2109329532_o.jpg?w=225" alt="10415895_10152437637615266_2109329532_o" width="225" height="300" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10418769_10152437637275266_1745502639_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2069" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10418769_10152437637275266_1745502639_o.jpg?w=225" alt="10418769_10152437637275266_1745502639_o" width="225" height="300" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10420475_10152437424585266_964011824_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2070" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10420475_10152437424585266_964011824_o.jpg?w=225" alt="10420475_10152437424585266_964011824_o" width="225" height="300" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10422726_10152437629875266_1153576026_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2071" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10422726_10152437629875266_1153576026_o.jpg?w=300" alt="10422726_10152437629875266_1153576026_o" width="300" height="225" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10425597_10152437668740266_840669337_n.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2072" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10425597_10152437668740266_840669337_n.jpg?w=300" alt="10425597_10152437668740266_840669337_n" width="300" height="224" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10425969_10152437624555266_1386563334_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2073" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10425969_10152437624555266_1386563334_o.jpg?w=225" alt="10425969_10152437624555266_1386563334_o" width="225" height="300" /></a> <a href="https://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10452651_10152437636965266_12424450_o.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-2074" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10452651_10152437636965266_12424450_o.jpg?w=225" alt="10452651_10152437636965266_12424450_o" width="225" height="300" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-91700571546048156872014-05-29T00:05:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.649-05:00This Sucks<p>In 8 days, it will be Mary's sixth birthday. I'm actually sitting here bawling alone. As I look back at these years, I really have no words other than, IT SUCKS. Losing a child sucks. I look back on all the platitudes and so many, though well meaning, they ended up getting on my nerves because I heard them so much.</p><p>I'd have so many do the "I'm praying for you". It was well-meaning, I get that. However, when it was said in place of "Go ahead and talk", it quickly made me think "Take your prayers and shove em". These days I'm glad that those who say this to me are those who will truly take the time to stop and listen instead of using it to shut me up!</p><p>Then there was the "God needed another angel" thing. Loved that one! My thoughts never changed on that. No, our babies are needed here in our arms, where they belong, nowhere else. </p><p>Another treasured one was those who understood how I felt because they had lost a grandparent or an aunt or a pet. True story- someone once said they knew how I felt because they lost their cat. Unless you've endured this, you don't understand and you don't get it. This loss is like no other. I've lost family members that I loved. Still, there is nothing like losing her, nothing. </p><p>There is the infamous "God only gives you what you can handle" line. Not how it works. That makes God look like a sadistic bastard and is certainly not how to win over people to Christianity! Let's just say it- Shit happens, even to good people. No God cares what a person can handle and they certainly would never inflict this kind of pain upon a person. </p><p>Then you have the "Too perfect for earth". I think this ties in with the God needed another angel thing. No, she wasn't too perfect for this earth. She was just perfect for us. </p><p>These well-meaning platitudes really do get old. After we've heard them a million times and then some, we're just like GRRRR. I learned that the best thing you can say to me about this is "This sucks". Nothing more. Honestly. Because it does, it sucks. This is something that every single bereaved parent can relate to. This sucks is an all encompassing term, too! </p><p> </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-12345811726816004582014-03-24T16:28:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.603-05:00"They're so negative, OMG!"I have two and a half months, or 73 days, before my daughter's birthday. 4 weeks after her birth/death is when everything came crashing down around me. Everyone and everything I trusted, GONE. Why??? This photo here. <a href="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/1052248_10151725305070266_928664065_o.jpg"><img id="i-1810" class="size-full wp-image" src="http://momofmanyfeet.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/1052248_10151725305070266_928664065_o.jpg?w=650" alt="Image" /></a><br/><br/> <br/><br/>This led me on the path that I am on. This was the first indicator that my daughter died a very preventable death. This is why Brenda freaked out and tried every manipulation tactic in her arsenal. This is why I have spent all this time being attacked, harassed, stalked, and threatened by people within the community. All because I have chosen to not let my baby die in vain. Many women like me, they're bullied into silence. They're not allowed to speak up or else. Do people really not get what this is like for any of us??<br/><br/>I got to see an email sent out about Dr Amy and those of us who align ourselves with her. Ananda Lowe chose to make this comment- My feeling, and I have heard others speculate, is that she and her followers are acting out their pain over their own difficult births or difficult breastfeeding experiences and lack of support for mothers in our society, or other difficult experiences in their lives that somehow come out in their anger toward the natural childbirth community- which I find completely patronizing and dismissive. This speaks of us as whiny children. Throughout my experience, how many have taken a step back and said "Why do these women feel the way they do?". How many truly listen? How many are willing to step out of their echo chamber long enough to truly comprehend anything being said? How many are intelligent enough to grasp what is being said?? Can they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to see that they are inflicting harm upon many women?<br/><br/>Allow me to make a comparison here- Let's use RAPE.<br/><br/>1. Rape is about inflicting harm upon another. *How is this different than inflicting harm on those of us who try to do what is right and speak up??*<br/><br/>2. Rapists use not only physical force, but coercion and manipulation and abuse of authority **Manipulation, the #1 thing done by midwives to mothers. Throw in the mental abuse by homebirth supporters**<br/><br/>3. When a victim steps forward, she is victimized all over again ** I'm just angry, didn't do my research, I'm bitter, wasn't educated enough, had a difficult experience (as if), etc**<br/><br/>4. Rape goes un-reported 75-95% of the time due to fears, mainly reprisal or emotional trauma **Speak up and you pay dearly. Now sit down, be a good little mommy, and forget about your baby**<br/><br/>5. 97/100 rapists walk free like nothing ever happened *** Most midwives with deaths under their belt don't have to pay for their crimes, it's like nothing happened**<br/><br/>6. Victims battle things like depression, substance abuse, suicide, PTSD, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, etc **Shocking. I've dealt with them all. Yes, due to this ordeal, I have had to get help to keep from taking my own life, however, the worst of it was the stalking and harassment and threats.<br/><br/>Congrats, Ananda Lowe, you are no better than a rape supporter! Women have been victimized and you are only encouraging the revictimization of us. So many homebirth proponents tout themselves as being so incredibly feminist, but you would never see them blaming a rape victim. Now a victim of the homebirth movement, apparently, we're a free for all.<br/><br/>"<a href="http://www.feminist.com/resources/ourbodies/viol_blame.html" target="_blank">Blaming the victim</a> releases the man who commits violence from the responsibility for what he has done. Friends or family may blame the victim in order to feel safe themselves: "She got raped because she walked alone after midnight. I'd never do that, so rape won't happen to me."<br/><br/>So, yeah, Please don't listen to me, I'm just a victim and apparently deserve to be shamed for daring to speak up. I guess I should of moved on like nothing happened like a good little girl. Had I kept quiet, I wouldn't of endured the abuse I have. But, apparently I deserve to be mistreated and ignored.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-42852279717716113742014-03-21T18:29:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.587-05:00Natural Selection, what if?As I was reading a thread today about Vitamin K, I came across a comment from someone who said that, basically, if a baby has low Vitamin K levels, nature has a reason. The poster claims that things that killed babies 100 years ago were no longer a problem due to the availability of antibiotics. Her argument is incredibly ignorant. It led me to wonder, "What if we let natural selection occur?". We see some who are totally supportive of letting nature rule the roost and I can't help but wonder. Do they understand the implications of natural selection?? The old days, what were they like before our medical advances??<br/><br/>Way back around the turn of the century, 100 out of 1000 infants would die. 10% of infants were dying. That number is exorbitant. Now, we're at 6 out of 1000. That is .6%. With there being 4 million live births every year, if we went back 114 years in medical advances, we would have over 400,000 infants dying. FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND. We lose, roughly 2400 infants a year. TWENTY FOUR HUNDRED. Our infant mortality rate would increase over 99%. That is JUST under age 1. I haven't even touched on childhood rates (but fyi, they're pretty big too). Our rates then were on par with Somalia these days.<br/><br/>When we look at Stillbirths, in 1922, rates were 39.4 vs 2.95 now. That's a 92.5% improvement. We were where Nigeria is now.<br/><br/><a href="http://www.hrsa.gov/healthit/images/mchb_child_mortality_pub.pdf" target="_blank">In 1907</a>, the mortality rates for children between 1 and 4 were 1418.8 out of 100,000. <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr61/nvsr61_06.pdf" target="_blank">In 2011</a>, that rate was 26.2. This means mortality rates for this age group have declined by 98%. Your child had a 1.4% chance of death. Those rates are on par with current day Thailand and Grenada.<br/><br/>In 1907, Ages 5-14 had a mortality rate of 307.5. In 2011, that rate is 13.1. This rate has declined by 95%. .3% of children within this demographic would pass away.<br/><br/>So, if we look at this, around 1900/1907, between birth and age 14, we would lose 11,726.3 children, 11.7% of children would die. Now, we are looking at 99.3 deaths out of 100,000 between birth and age 14. We lose .09 percent of our children yearly now. Most of the deaths we have now are within that first year with <a href="http://www.childstats.gov/americaschildren/health2.asp" target="_blank">2/3rd</a>s of them being within the first month of life. If we want to get more technical, we can remove the 2.45 motor vehicle related deaths since there were no cars around 1900. This would bring our rate down to 96.85/100,000. However, if we keep our 99.3 rates, we'll have noticed over a 99% improvement in mortality rates.<br/><br/>Around 1900, our maternal mortality rates were around 1 in 100. Today, it's 21 out of 100,000. There has been over a 97% decrease in maternal deaths. Congo now has the mortality rates we had back then.<br/><br/>In 1914, Average life expectancy for males was 52 while for us women, it was 56.8. Oddly enough, in Nigeria, the average life expectancy is where men were 100 years ago. For us women, that is a current day Congo. Woohoo.<br/><br/>Can anyone tell me why the good old days sound so good?? Our ancestors lived in, basically, third world conditions. Many lost their children, many women lost their lives. What in the world is so good about nature??? We now know if it's not combated, people die. I know, had I lived 100 years ago, I would not have 4 of my living children, if I had even lived to have all of them.<br/><br/> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-26355295962867143802014-02-27T14:03:00.000-05:002015-01-22T06:05:30.538-05:00More Than A Number<p> As everyone in the homebirth debate knows, MANA released their their incredibly cherry picked numbers last month leading to tons of discussion about numbers for intrapartum mortality, c-sections, hemorrhage, early neonatal mortality, late neonatal mortality, etc. Great, we know that only 20-30% of your midwives are honest about outcomes. Homebirth is STILL riskier than hospitals! Big shocker!</p><p>However, there is so much that is needed in this discussion. People look at a number and say "Oh, that's small, it's insignificant and means nothing". This mortality rate is 2.06 per thousand. This means that 2 babies out of 1,000 are dying that shouldn't be. I can guarantee this number is realistically higher than what has been shared. That's not exactly where I'm going here, but I digress, higher chance of death every way you look at it. If I recall, a recent study said that there are more brain damaged babies as well. We have all of that to look at. So, keep it in mind. </p><p>With all the discussion, we hear about absolute risk and statistical risk as though its small and insignificant. One huge thing is missing here. I think people are tending to forget that every number we see is someone's baby. I can look and see that although my child is "one of those statistics" (although not really because I know we weren't included in any MANAstats), she is more than a number. People see a number and that's it. There are no cares about WHO that number represents or what happened to that baby that caused it's demise. These are babies, not numbers. If you haven't been touched by loss, maybe you don't understand the impact that it has on all of those who loved that baby. As I see these higher mortality and morbidity numbers thrown around as not meaning anything, I see it as people telling us our babies really don't matter and their deaths are insignificant. That couldn't be any farther from the truth. Our extended families are fairly large (around 82 people) and our daughter's death impacted all of these people, moreso our more immediate families, but impacted nonetheless. If you add in friends, that's one loss that affects at least 150 people of varying ages and degrees. These babies, they're important to many people. I'm still close with many of the girls from my June 08 board and as birthday's start hitting, they all start feeling it. She's important and she matters. Seeing her as just a number dismisses the importance of her and what happened to her. There are many more just like her. </p><p>Our babies are not a number, they are babies with names and families, who had tiny toes and fingers and sweet features that we had to memorize, whose lives were lost when they shouldn't of been. </p><p> </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186544673922960059.post-35400800718917031312013-10-10T19:38:00.000-04:002015-01-22T06:05:30.523-05:00In Defense of Mothers and Babies, A response to In Defense of MidwivesShannon Mitchell recently created a blog post titled<a href="http://birthaction.org/in-defense-of-midwifery/" target="_blank"> In Defense of Midwifery</a>. I read this with my jaw dropped. This, it just, it needs it's own post.<br/><br/>I want to address a few things here:<br/><br/>Shannon, you bring up knowing stories of midwives who have been arrested, investigated, have a "bad outcome" that makes the state take notice or parents being upset over the outcome. You nonchalantly say "It happens, it's inevitable, all midwives face it at some point". What you call a bad outcome is an incredibly dehumanizing term. Let's call it what it is- a DEATH or DISABILITY. Most of the time, at home, these outcomes ARE avoidable. If you have all of these midwives being arrested or investigated, there's a reason. It's not persecution of poor little midwives. It's someone caring about the "bad outcomes" the community cares to not address. If the community had a choice, our babies deaths/injuries would be swept under the rug and never addressed.<br/><br/>Shannon, you say this goes beyond various denialist mindsets such as, "it could never happen to me", "there must be more to the story", and "what was really going on". Actually, no, this does NOT go beyond denialist mindsets. If a midwife is educated and trained and knows not to take risks, it very well may never happen to her. Most of the time, there IS more to the story. Looking at the role your midwife buddy may of played in a death or disability is necessary. It's important to question, esp in the midwifery community.<br/><br/>Shannon, you are worried that if Rowan Bailey is charged that a precedent may be set and other midwives could be found guilty of murder. The issue here is that Rowan screwed up. The law states that murder is the unlawful killing of a human by another human with malicious aforethought. One of the definitions of malice is "Reckless indifference to an unjustifiably high risk to human life". So, yes, she has committed murder. Let's be honest, most homebirth deaths are due to a reckless indifference to human life. A precedent needs set to protect mothers and babies. If the community won't handle this, then the law needs to.<br/><br/>Shannon, you say that one day it will be a fellow midwife looking into a grieving mother's eyes helping her comprehend her loss saying you hope there isn't a DA behind her calling that midwife a murderer. As that grieving mother whose midwife attempted to manipulate her multiple times, I'm of the opinion that midwives have absolutely no business trying to help us comprehend our losses. Midwives have shown us that they are all about themselves as this blog posts blatantly expresses. If there is a DA behind the parents, then yes, that midwife messed up. The DA doesn't get involved if a death is from congenital anomalies! If this death was preventable, oh yeah, they need to be involved!<br/><br/>Shannon, you tell fellow midwives to get off their asses, pull their heads out of the sand, and realize ramifications of this stuff on midwives. Here is where I will agree with you. Yes, the community needs to get off it's lazy ass and start really looking at their fellow midwives actions and see how their "sisters" are harming them. You are sticking up for a murderer and encouraging others to stick up for them as well. You are completely minimizing the actions of these midwives. You are telling every single grieving mother that her baby is unimportant, that only the midwife she had matters.<br/><br/>Lastly, Shannon, you tell fellow midwives to imagine having to tell someone they love and respect that they are being charged with murder in the death of a baby. How about you having to call your friends and family and tell them that your baby is dead? Or how about having to tell people that your decision is why your baby is dead. I have had to look people in the eye and admit that my choice to have a homebirth with a CPM is why my daughter isn't here. I have to look at that person in the mirror every day. I would of never of made the same decisions if I knew the outcome would be this.<br/><br/>Lucky for Shannon, a CPM by the name of Jessica Weed ran to her rescue in the comments about how midwives need to stand in solidarity. Why?? Jessica herself managed to get herself arrested for child abuse because she chose to take on a breech delivery where the baby ended up with bleeding on the brain and behind the retinas on top of mom ending up with an infection due to retained placenta. Wood also asked parents not to disclose her involvement in the delivery. I certainly don't question why someone like Weed would promote the solidarity ideals!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0