I hate holidays

Driving to my dad's house yesterday, I couldn't help but notice all the halloween and harvest stuff out. Not to mention, I think I have hit my anger stage in a major way. I am pissed that my daughter is in a cemetary and not here. Last year we got to dream about taking our 6 kids trick or treating and have our little baby all dressed up. Now, there's no baby to dress up. There will never be anything. I hate living this life, I really do. Seeing holiday stuff depresses me. I'm usually gung ho about christmas too. Now, I could care less if it got celebrated or not. Our driving around looking at lights around christmas time doesn't sound like it use to. I have ZERO interest in holidays or celebrations. If I could hole up in my room and never come out again, I would. I feel like I just hate everything right now. It's nice doing even family stuff, but, it doesn't feel the same anymore. I hate what that midwife has done to my life. Midwives are not always safer or better!! I hate that I fell for that BS.