Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Raptors, what we are and what we aren't

I've recently been drug into drama created by a blogger who calls herself The Mom:Informed. I was a fan of hers on facebook because I enjoyed her posts and the discussions that went on on her wall. I also enjoyed her blog.

Since people choose to watch the open group Fed Up, they make snap judgements about us. They assume we stand for c-sections and formula for all. They also assume that because we do talk about things and do make jokes on the group that we are just horrible and spiteful and out for blood. They call us liars when we discuss the fact that we have/do the same things they do. This blogger, in particular, has written about us being Amy's minions. Yeah, I know I've addressed that multiple times!

So, I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss The Raptors. The name was a joke that stuck. I can't even tell you what was going on that we were up in arms over, so a joke was made about velociraptors and many of us changed our profile pictures to that dinosaur. Of course, this is when we were accused of hacking Birth Without Fear and threatening her/her family. What better chance to try and make us all look like crap than by copying names of all the women complete with links to their profiles due to them having a dinosaur as their profile picture. That was great! Thus, The Raptors were born!

We normally do NOT go trolling pages, at all. We have things we do enjoy talking about. Just like Natural Childbirth and Homebirth Advocates, we like talking about pregnancy and childbirth. We like talking about all aspects of parenting. However, we are not keen on the whole Natural Birth/Homebirth idolization. My Dear Friend writes the blog Birthing Pains. She just recently wrote a post about how people don't see death of a baby as a bad outcome. It rocked!! It relates to the discussion because many advocates don't see death of a baby as a bad thing. It's preferable to a c-section that could possibly prevent you from birthing in the future. IOW, sacrifice the baby you are carrying for ones you could possibly carry in the future. I have yet to see a mother be told "you are too high risk for homebirth". Risk factors are blown off all the time! The Brewer diet is a treatment for pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes doesn't exist, you don't make a baby too big to birth, babies come when they are ready, etc. This is all stuff that we say "Hey, this isn't accurate" and it gets us blacklisted!

We also try to address the sanctimommy stuff. Nothing drives us battier, I think. The breastfeeding browbeating of women gets old, very old. Women who formula feed for ANY reason deserve support. Over the years, I cannot tell you how much crap I have been given because I support and defend formula. I've been told that I have no idea about breastfeeding because I haven't done it and if I had ever experienced a breastfeeding relationship, I would shout it from the rooftops. What really trips me out about that kind of stuff is all of my living children have been breastfed. That's right, I have nursed 6 children, with most of them stopping around a year and half when I'm usually pregnant again (and, lol, since I can't get pregnant again, my youngest is still going at it). And yes, I've given formula too. A lot of the time, I don't want to tell people I breastfeed because I don't want someone to think "Oh, she's one of those". Women shouldn't be treated like crap because they aren't doing what another mom thinks they should. While I was on TM:I's facebook page, I saw a woman post complaining because she kept trying to "educate" her friend about different parenting practices and her friend just wasn't listening. That is the kind of woman that we deal with regularly!

Yes, some bloggers have been talked about. Generally, this is because dangerous ideals have been promoted and dissension silenced. Course, people like Dr Momma, she's easy to chuckle over because of her sanctimommy behavior and fake DR credential. How many other bloggers create business cards that they have followers buy and place in products in stores to promote their agenda?? It's also the only place I've ever seen that totally trashes fathers!

I know that people target ALL members of our group, even those who are amongst them that aren't as hardcore. My friend above has been treated horribly just for daring to be friends with any of us. It's guilt by association, no matter what you do or stand for. Like friends, yes, we do like some of the same pages. It's where one person joins and you're like "Hey, sounds interesting" and check it out. Just because there are a few of us in one place doesn't mean we are out to get anybody. The paranoia displayed is amazing, but with TM:I, pretty good publicity stunt! We see those a lot and they do get talked and laughed about. Several times bloggers have said they are taking breaks and accusations against us start flying (although there has never been proof of anything!). This is how our screencap thing began. We were tired of saying something, having it erased, and being accused of saying something different. So, we would screencap what we said to pretty much cover our asses. Now, caps can be done to show what people say. Heck, I use them in my own family, to be honest. Now, if we think a thread or comment will poof, we get a cap of it, just in case. Caps are also used as discussion topics or "OMG, this person is insane" or "OMG, people actually say/think this".

The Raptors are actually a fun loving group. Those who have taken the time and effort to get to know us know that. We gush about our kids and our spouses and jobs. We share sorrows. The babies lost aren't just soandso's kid. These are babies we all care about. We have cried with our friends who have been hurt. When I had Amber write Paying for Perfection, I cried like a damn baby when I read it. I see how women are treated and it hurts me. It hurts us all. Really, as long as you try to make us into something we aren't, you will not be able to see us for who we really are because your judgement is clouding your thoughts. We try and tell people that we really do parent like they do and due to their preconceived notions about us, it doesn't sink in (newest is accusing us of letting our babies CIO and our guilt over it though I can't think of a single one of us who has done that).

We can show you that you don't have to be a sanctimonious bitch about parenting choices. We can also show that there is a place for science in parenting choices. We can also teach women that it is ok to have epidurals and ultrasounds and inductions and c-sections. We don't want women feeling bad for not holding themselves to a certain standard set forth by the natural community. How many women say "I had a c-section" and are automatically told how it could of been avoided or told how other women grieving her loss. C'mon. When someone has a baby, what is so hard about saying "Congratulations"??? Why does it have to be "I'm sorry for your c-section", "Congrats on your vbac", "Congrats on your homebirth", etc, etc, etc. I have pushed 7 children out of my body, SEVEN. 3 hospital birth with epidurals, 2 unmedicated hospital birth, 2 homebirths and I can confidently say "It doesn't freaking matter how a baby is born" It is the getting a baby here alive and healthy that matters!!! You can look at my children and you couldn't tell me which ones were born or fed in any particular way.

Yes, we can be snarky as hell. I won't deny that and neither will the rest of the women, though some of our friends are more softspoken and sweet. We WILL keep battling with people until they stop promoting dangerous ideas and behaving like sanctimonious bitches. I see some women talking about unification and support of mothers, but I really see NO effort made. I think it's more a "birth, feed, and parent how I tell you so you can be worthy of my attention" kind of thing. Seriously, when your insults are "you must formula feed and make your baby cio", you are showing women that you think these are bad things and creating a nice little divide there. You know any level headed mom who FF's is going to see that "insult" thrown out there and think "Well, F you". The only unification that you will promote will be women just like you. Funny enough, us ladies all birth and parent in different ways and are the closest friends ever. It's because we don't put one another's choices down. We support eachother in everything we do. That is being united. If that means people dog me while thinking I am a FF mother like my friends, I'm fine with it! I see a bunch of happy and healthy kids who are loved, which is what we all should be striving for to begin with. Course, thanks to dangerous ideals, supporting of negligence, support of crappy midwives, and nobody wanting rules or regulations or standards, there are some unhealthy kids thrown in there and some missing ones too. You would think mothers wouldn't want to see their peers burying their brand new babies, but lots of mothers are selfish that way, after all look at all the anti-vaxers out there, dead babies and kids are no big deal as long as it's not your own!

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Awesome post, Bambi!

Elena said...

"It doesn't freaking matter how a baby is born" It is the getting a baby here alive and healthy that matters!!!"


I've had three Cesareans, three vaginal births, one stillbirth.

It does matter how the baby is born. and I think we are heading down a dangerous path if we instill in our sons and daughters that treatment of the mother is simply not important. That instills pictures of baby pods somewhere with eggs and sperm being harvasted and babies being grown as a crop - with "alive and healthy" being the criteria for success.


If you want to change hearts and minds, or at least challenge the radical - "homebirth always and in every situation" mindset, you're going to have to come up with something more compassionate and compelling than that. I suggest starting with something as simple as the dignity of the woman as a person and the miracle of birth and building on that.

Heather said...

I have no idea how I missed this post before, but RIGHT ON!

Whitney Canales said...

I like this... and I like your blog.. I have sobbed while reading about precious Mary more than once... at the same time, this post makes me sad. In the same way that you see those in the NCB community passing judgement over you & your friends, you are clumping all NCB advocates into one group. I used to be much more outspoken about HB & have, in the past, had to apologize for hurting feelings (never intentionally). I have become much quieter about it and I no longer judge a woman for her birthing choices. When I saw a couple friends plan homebirths & end up with csections, it broke my heart that they would ever feel guilt over that, and made me angry that anyone would respond with an attitude of, "well. You must have not tried hard enough." That, and learning about the negligence of midwives & avoidable deaths of babies made me calm down a bit about natural/home birth. It helped me peel off my rose-colored birthing glasses & has made me an advocate for SAFE homebirth. So I thank you for having a part in that influence.

However, it's not fair that you clump us together as all sanctimommies, or breastfeeding bitches, or just bitches in general. Yes, I support homebirth. Yes, I am a huge breastfeeding advocate (not bitch, I assure you). No, I don't vaccinate my kids, because I am trying to make the best decisions I know how to make for my precious children with the infortmation I have (I already know how you feel about that... you think I should have my ass kicked, hard. Your words.) I understand that we are all mothers making the best decisions we can for our own families. You have to understand that too. Because while I consider myself a homebirth advocate, lactivist & attachment parenter, & I read natural mommy blogs, I am not the arrogant bitch you may think I am.

Whitney Canales said...

...and the women I choose to surround myself with, my friends, aren't either. You are passing judgement over us based simply on lifestyle choices.

Laura said...

Whitney, I can honestly say that if your self-perception and the perception of your friends is true, then you are in the VAST minority. You can bitch and moan about being stereotyped, but that's what happens when the vast majority of a group behaves the same way. If you're different- great- then this doesn't apply to you... but, like I said, it's absurd to be oblivious to the fact that you're in the minority, or at least are not as vocal as the rotten bitch component.

I've never met a home birth advocate who didn't glorify primal birth at the expense of demonizing hospital birth. (says the woman who endured a 42 hour natural labor)

I've never met a lactivist who didn't harbor fascist tendencies. (says the woman who is still breastfeeding her 23-month-old)

I've never met an anti-vaxxer who gave a damn about anyone else's children or opinions or who were open minded about... well... anything. (says the woman who became a vaccine advocate only after harboring anti-vax tendencies)

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