I participated way more than I should of on a thread today on Mama Birth. She is essentially blaming those who want midwives to have educations/training/and insurance for babies dying.
I poured my heart out on there. I talked about my daughter and had one woman who was hellbent on tearing my story apart. She had to know exactly what happened and what was the cause of death and the kicker was she couldn't place any blame on the midwife because it was quite possible my baby would of died had I used a different midwife or gone to the hospital.
There were several women who blamed homebirth loss moms for not doing their research and not listening to our instincts. Gotta love the blame they place on US and not the women who caused our babies deaths.
This leads me to wonder why it is so hard to admit that a midwife screwed up?? They claim we don't listen to them, yet, we are always met with the same condescending attitude. We are supposed to be anti-homebirth, anti-midwife, anti-ncb, anti-bf, pretty much anti-everything. I am so burnt out and just plain worn out from dealing with this all the time. These discussions are so personal, emotionally charged, and really do lead to me being hurt because most of these women seriously lack any compassion or empathy or sympathy or anything towards a homebirth loss mom. Had my daughter's death been caused by an OB or Nurse or Pediatrician in the hospital, these women would be at my side advocating and calling for this professionals head. BUT because it's a homebirth loss caused by a midwife, they really don't care and have to find some reason that it is our fault. Intellectually, I know that this is their way of trying to protect themselves. They don't want to think that it could be them and their baby. I understand. I don't know if they do, but I do. Just once, I want them to care. Why is it ok for bad midwives to keep going?? Why is it ok for one midwife to continuously have babies dying on their watch?
This ties into my next rant. I was told that if I just chose it, I could heal. I think not having had a baby die, you have no right to tell a grieving mom this. Would you look at the mother of a murder victim and say "You can heal from this, just let it go"? Essentially, this is the same. A person has taken our child's life. There is NO healing from that. There is a new life you have grieving the child you loved facing a future without that child. Someone took my baby's life. She didn't just slip away due to SIDS or an anomaly or an illness. The person who took her life is still going about her business like my baby didn't matter. Nobody was willing to help fight for her, or us for that matter. This midwife got a free pass to keep on, like she has done FIVE other times. I shudder to think of the babies that have died since my daughter. Does anyone really wonder why I am angry and why it's impossible to do more than move forward with my life?? The more murderous midwives that are supported by advocates, the more women that are going to suffer like we have leading there to be an even larger voice. If you want us quiet, take the deaths of our babies seriously and insist upon change within the movement. Several women claimed that our stories made them cry, but if it really got to them, they would say "This isn't ok, this baby should not of died, we need to prevent these deaths from happening", but nobody ever thinks that or says it.
If it wasn't for the way I feel, I wouldn't be able to continue on in this fight, and believe me, fight I will. Those with passion are the ones who make a difference. How do you think these cancer research organizations started?? Should those survivors have just healed and moved on?? Look at organizations such as MADD, SHARE, Angels On Track, Cure Search, etc. They began because someone was affected by something and set out to change things. That's admirable. Would you of told these people to just heal and that by starting a movement they must not be healing and are angry? No. So, why are us women villified the way we are?? What is there to hate about women who WANT to see SAFE homebirth practices?
I hate that as soon as we start talking, no matter what we say or how nice it is said, we are full of hate and angry and attacking people. There were many hurtful things said, but in no way was I attacked because anyone had a differing viewpoint. I think all these women that hang out in these echo chambers should really broaden their horizons. Life isn't all about someone coddling us. We (Liz and I) had one woman actually completely block us once we started talking about our losses. Why can't they acknowledge or listen??
I really don't even know if I have a point here. I guess I just needed to vent about this. It just really bothers me. We have one psycho who screencaps stuff and completely twists it around to make us all seem just horrible. She even created a video laughing at homebirth loss moms and completely minimizing baby deaths. Really?? She is the one running around claiming that we are anti-everything. I did go to her little facebook fan page and she had taken a HIGH RISK mothers post and tried to make it seem like the mother thought all moms should have a c-section at 37 weeks with a NICU team there. Luckily, not all the commenters were as crazy as she is. People really tend to forget that so many of us really do practice and support the same things, just not in the same ways. We all support natural birth. However, we are more "Not all women should have to do it or be guilted into it and it's not all that". I guess you can say we don't push the militant crap. Not all of us support homebirth, but for those that do, they support CNM's because they do have real training and educations. We know CNM's are real medical professionals and not just some birth junky. We are supportive of doulas, just can't stand those who push their agenda, and several of us want to be doulas. One doula has been a target because she doesn't push natural birth. Isn't it good that a doula isn't pushing her agenda on a client??
I tell ya, I probably have more in common with these women that they realize. I probably am more AP than I care to admit. I've been at this parenting thing for 13 1/2 years and have been doing many of these things since before I knew it had a name. I never thought "Dang, I'm so awesome for doing this". I just always did what I did. I've been been out down and accused of being a formula feeding mother because I'm not all about breasts. I think these women would be in shock here. It's not hard to not be a shrew about your parenting style. Do what works and back off others. It's quite easy.
I'm going to jump off of here and snuggle with my sweetie. I probably didn't even make a point here, but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.
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9 comments:
I always come back here, I am someone who cried over yours and. Liz's stories and the loss of your little girls. I have learned so much & have had opportunites to share in my own corner of the world. You are having an impact, you just can't see it all just yet. Sharing your Mary is a testimony to your love for her.
((((((((Hug))))))))
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, and for continuing to fight so that no one else has to lose a baby at the hands of a negligent birth junkie. Hearing your story, and others like yours, has genuinely changed my perspective on homebirth and on midwifery standards. I had a homebirth VBAC less than 6 months ago with a CPM (I know, right?). I had no complications and a fairly simple recovery. Throughout my pregnancy I really only listened to the extreme NCB community when looking for information. I didn't know where else to look for information - because the mainstream/medical view on childbirth just doesn't seem to have as many (or maybe as aggresive?) advocates. I truly did not realize what I was risking by having my daughter at home. I am humbled and thankful that things went smoothly. And now that I know the risks (increased risk of fetal death, increased risk of maternal death) I will never again place the experience above the safety and life of my child.
Don't ever think that no one cares, or no one is listening. Sure, its not enough of them out there, and far too many stick their fingers in their ears and insist on believing what they want to believe. But I listen. I cried with you. I speak out. I'm in the trenches with you. I'm sorry for your loss and for the lies we were both told. You have lots of friends like me.
Those women have not right to tell you how to grieve. But for the grace of God, any one of them could be walking in your shoes right now. They don't want you to share your story because it might force them out of their comfortable little world of illusions about childbirth. You force them to face the cold reality of what happens when professional standards and accountability are thrown away. It's much easier to blame you for not being an "informed consumer" than it is to admit that homebirth midwifery in the United States is a broken system.
Keep fighting Bambi, and know that there are plenty of us right there with you.
Okay Bambi. I have heard your story, numerous times. I have listened. Here is me, giving you exactly what you want, just listening.
I am very sorry for your loss.
theperfectbirth - do more than just listen! Think about the advice that you regularly give out, and understand that many of the things that you tell women to do are dangerous, both to themselves and their babies! You regularly malign loss moms, and then have the nerve to show up over here!?
I don't malign anyone, I just disagree with some of the things you all are saying. I had the "nerve" to do this because it is what Bambi has been asking for. She requested, I delivered. I'm trying to do something once that she says she needs me and people like me to do. To "just listen". I wanted her to know that right here, right now, I am doing this for her. I guess even when I try to do what she is asking, I just can't win. Oh well. Since it will never be good enough, I guess I'll just go back to being me.
If this is true, don't ask for things you don't want. The truth is, you don't want people to "just listen"... you want much, much more. You want them to let you win an argument. You want them to agree with you. I can't. Let me know if you want me to go back to just being the sympathetic ear, though. I am available. We can always try again.
There are way to many home birth deaths--its a turf battle on both sides.
Only certified nurse midwives should be allowed to deliver outside of the hospital. And there should be full disclosure about the risks of home birth, which would mean have a real accounting of the statistics in Oregon. I think we may have a lot of dead babies that are buried in the back yard that have never been accounted for.
Home birth for low risk women can be fine, as can a birth center--but the midwife needs to be a CNM and they need to have privileges at a hospital in case something goes wrong and you need emergency treatment NOW and you don't need to be wrangling with turf issues.
there is a reason there are no statistics released in Oregon, you can bet if the results were in favor of lay midwives the news would be all over the place.
So no one has the right to tell you how to grieve but you have the right to tell another grieving mother that she didn't love her child because she chose not to allow blame and anger consume her. Did I get that right? Just want to make sure I am clear.
And in defense of Elizabeth, I AM that loss mom that Bambi told I couldn't possible care about my son because I didn't agree with her. And I actually "met" Elizabeth through that conversation after she stood up for me. She has on more than one occasion had my back when others were complete assholes. She has never once been even an ounce of cruel to me over my homebirth loss. I can't say the same about Bambi.
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