Mary's life....... I'm so thankful

My daughter spent a whopping 6 hours and 54 minutes on this earth, but 9 months carried inside of me. Through the last 3.5 years, I've spent so much time being angry that I've overlooked the blessings her life bestowed upon me. Am I still angry about what happened and how it happened?? I won't lie, I'm still furious. However, now I'm able to look back on HER, and everything I have gained, with fondness.

   I'm thankful for the people my daughter has brought into my life. Some have taught me so much about faith while grieving. One huge example that I have had is my friend Jill, who lost her son to hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I don't even think she realizes how many times I have read her blog and cried while in awe at her faith and strength. My friend Heidi, she has maintained her faith and now uses it to run StillBirthday, a site full of help and resources for parents who lose babies. She has also taken it upon herself to enlist doulas that can help grieving families (including myself). My dear friend Liz, who although her heart is hurting maintains her faith and does her best to help give other children/babies a loving home. All of these women reach out to other grieving moms as well.

  I'm thankful for the support and love of all the ladies from The Skeptical OB. That blog has allowed me to meet other women like myself and women who truly care about those of us who have been harmed. Together, we have started this safe homebirth movement, consisting of all the blogs on my Dear Friends list. Although people would have others believe that we are just some mean spirited group of women, we are so incredibly far from that. We help one another and reach out to others. The amount of kindness that I have seen from these ladies has just blown me away. I also met my best friend Lindsay because of our groups. She is so sweet and spunky. We are like two peas in a pod. Our children have gained the others as friends and so have our husbands. I've been embraced by her family and it just doesn't get any better than that.

  I'm thankful for the lessons my daughter taught me. Even though, at times, I really would love to give up, but I look at her precious face and find the strength to keep going. I never knew what kind of an impact someone could have on my life in such a short time. She taught me that in pain, I can still make a difference and help others. I have met so many women that have lost babies that have had as much an impact on me as I have. I'm able to take my loss and help someone else who is new to this "club". Losing a child is such a lonely experience and it really helps to know "I'm not alone and there IS hope". I can hold another mother's hand through all of this. There really is strength in numbers.

   I'm so thankful that she was OUR daughter and OUR children's sister. She could of been one of those swept under the rug babies that are so rampant in the homebirth community. I couldn't imagine not caring about her and only thinking of myself. She hasn't just been forgotten about. At times, I admit, I've thought to myself "I wish someone else could of gone through it instead of us", but then I imagine what kind of parent they would of been to their deceased child and it makes me sad. My daughter has a family that still keeps her memory alive. We still go to the cemetery every sunday and care for her "prime real estate". She is part of every holiday. We are involved in our support group. My children, CHILDREN, reach out to their peers who lose siblings and teachers who have lost babies. Although my children have endured something so horrific so early on in life, they have become such compassionate and loving individuals. Man, I am so proud of them and so honored to be their mother. And my husband, he has been so wonderful. We have been the perfect pair for dealing with this together. His love and support has done wonders and vice versa. I'm thankful that he is my husband and the father of all of these children.

    I'm thankful that she just existed. I'm glad she chose us as her family. I know losing her has been the MOST painful experience of my life, but I have survived and AM stronger than I ever knew I was. I will continue loving and missing her for the rest of my life, but I'm thankful she was here. I HAVE a beautiful, beautiful baby girl and I'm honored to be her mother.

Mary Beth, Mommy is so thankful for YOU.