Experiencing the rainbow

When my daughter died, all I wanted was to hold another baby in my arms. Sometimes I didn't. We bounced around on this issue for awhile then ultimately decided Mary would be our last child and I would just have my tubes tied. We were happy with our choice. You know what happens when you decide you're done having children?? You get pregnant, lol.

The pregnancy was very rough to say the least. I was a very high risk patient who had to take shots and have testing all the time. This was a very expensive pregnancy as well!! Mentally, It was very taxing. I would go to appointments and just cry. My Dr's would hold my hand and listen, hand me a tissue, reassure me, and give me a big hug. When I talked about Mary, my Dr's would cry with me. I knew if I just needed an ear, they were a phone call away and if I decided to medicate, I could (but chose not to). Physically, I was a wreck. I had progesterone shots weekly that hurt horribly. The ultrasounds that began as nice and cool lost their luster as I got bigger. It is possible to pass out during an ultrasound! Luckily, one of my techs was really good at doing ultrasounds with mom laying on her side. My rainbow, Ireland, would often give the techs a hard time. She would hit the wand and then move so the area we were trying to see was again out of our sights, lol. One neat thing was being able to watch her grow and the manifestation of her personality. I knew before birth that she was going to be very tempermental and strong-willed.

Having the high risk status I did, we knew that we would need to be induced. This would occur at exactly 39 weeks. Of course, all the arrangements were made and the induction was set for Nov 5th. Ireland being the baby she was, did not like plans and decided to do as she pleased. So, I went into labor the week before the induction was scheduled. The labor went pretty good. We had one decel and at that moment, the build up of everything came rushing out and I became an emotional mess. Plans were made for an emergency c-section should we have another one. I was so close to holding her in my arms and I didn't care what needed to be done to get her here. If the decision had been left to me, I would of had a c-section after that decel. I knew they would have to knock me out and I would miss the first few hours of her life. That was fine with me if that meant she would live. They could of done anything they wanted to me as long as it gave me a healthy, living baby.

At 11:20AM, Ireland Elyse was born. She was IDENTICAL to her sister. The emotional breakdown I thought I would have didn't happen then. We just basked in the glory of this baby. When Mary died, my mother came to the hospital, held her granddaughter, and wept horribly. My mother got to be one of my labor coaches with Ireland (luckily since James had worked the night before and was sleeping) and was able to be there for her birth. It was kind of a healing thing for us all. Unfortunately, about six hours after Ireland's birth she had to go to the NICU. We knew that was probably going to happen so we weren't too shocked. The NICU at our hospital has private rooms, so I was able to stay with her after my discharge. I had to go home one night and that really shook me up. Leaving the hospital empty handed again was absolutely horrible. It really brought back the day Mary died when we had to hand her over and leave. I don't think anybody understood why I felt the way I did. My mom kept reassuring me that the situation was nothing like Mary. Luckily, this was the only night I spent away from her.In an odd turn of events, one of the neonatologists that worked on Mary ended up being Ireland's DR! She asked me the one day if Ireland looked like any of her siblings. I told her Yes but the sibling didn't make it and she was the one who worked on her. I later learned that several nurses quit their jobs that day because they couldn't handle it. Dr. Ford them did her best to reassure me that what happened to Mary would not happen to Ireland. After 5 1/2 days in the NICU, Ireland came home!

Bringing our rainbow home introduced a whole new set of challenges. I was always scared that she would just die as soon as I went to sleep. I spent many nights awake. Some nights I would have her in her car seat sleeping while I slept on the couch or have her in the cradle beside my bed with my hand in it so I could feel her chest move or have her in the co-sleeper in my bed so I could be touching her. I always had to be touching her. Those first months were horrible to be honest. Already having a loss and knowing it is possible was the first strike. Then add in all the SIDS moms I knew and continued to come into contact with was another strike to my sanity. I never felt safe. I still don't feel safe with any of my kids. I know I can lose them in an instant. Facing your child's mortality shatters your innocence.

Here we are 15+ months into the journey of having a rainbow baby. I am even more convinced than ever that Mary had a hand in sending this baby sister to us. She is the light of all of our lives. You can see that all the kids feel differently about her than they do eachother. She is Trouble and into everything humanly possible, hence why we recently childproofed for the first time ever! Her personality is off the wall. We have truly been given a run for our money. I would go through the entire pregnancy with her all over again if that meant we would still have her.