My Birth Stories- Miscarriage #2

In February 03, I found out I was pregnant. My hubby was over the moon, but I had reservations. I feel badly saying that, but it's how I felt. Slowly, I began getting excited. I had some friends who thought "4 kids is too many, just abort". Yeah, I didn't even entertain that thought!

At 6 weeks, I had cramping so a doctor at the air force hospital did an ultrasound . A little fish with a flicker. Awesome! She told me she couldn't guaruntee I wouldn't miscarry. I thought, there's a heartbeat, I'm good.

At 11weeks, I went in for a regular prenatal appointment. They were suppose to do the heartbeat and everything. The nurse puts the doppler to my belly and nothing. In my head, I'm thinking she doesn't know what she's doing. The doctor goes to try and he gets nothing as well. At the moment, I just began crying. I was by myself in this room. The doctor grabbed a portable ultrasound machine and put the wand to my belly. There it was, a tiny little person with arms and legs. Unfortunately, the little person no longer had a heartbeat. I ask for a picture. He let me know I could get myself together and meet him in his office. My husband was sitting in his office and the doctor let me know he was going to schedule a D&C. Having the pro-life stance I did, I equated D&C's with people who were volunteering to abort their babies. I didn't want to abort my baby.

   Two later, I returned to confirm the baby's death. No growth, no heartbeat, it was over. The doctor let me know that, had I been an earlier gestational age, he could just induce the miscarriage, but I was too far along and it was risky. Being the difficult person I am, I told him I wanted to do that because I wanted to give birth to my baby. He called in a script for Cytotec, had me go down to the pharmacy to get it, and bring it back up to him. Of course, on my way down the elevator, it stopped as a nurse wheeled a brand new mother and baby down to an eager spouse. Talk about a knife in my heart.

  About 2:30, the cytotec is inserted and I'm sent home. A little time passes and I start feeling crampy. I'm starting to bleed some. Of course, I had to drive to go get my husband from the base and by the time I get there, the pain is horrible, so he drives home. I continue "laboring" in our bathroom and bedroom. I think it was about 7/7:30pm when I felt the pop of the sac. Talk about an odd sensation. Two hours later, I had the baby. Perfectly formed with a mouth, tongue, arms, legs, hands, feet. A tiny dead baby. The doctor had given me a specimen cup to place the baby in. The deal was, I wanted testing to find out what the baby was gender wise and why it died. The next morning, I began passing chunks of placenta. That's not usually a good thing. I began losing blood. So, when I went in to the doctor he admitted me. One nurse tried taking my blood pressure and was like "No, this isn't right". HE tries again and runs into the hall. Several nurses try and my blood pressure is not changing. One nurse told me I should be dead with a blood pressure that low. I was taken to the ICU to await my emergency d&c as they were having trouble finding blood for me. I don't remember anything after that.

  I woke up to people trying to wake me up after the surgery. I couldn't come out of the anesthesia. When I did finally come out of it, my husband and friend were sitting in my room.

  Testing on the baby was inconclusive and they never even tested for gender. I tried finding out what happened to the baby, but those efforts failed. Does it haunt me? Sure does. But I got to hold and see my baby. I needed that. I just hope that these days, there are better resources for women who lose babies than there were for me down there.