Change is okay

I'm the kind of person who lives life trying to keep everything the same. Change is a very difficult concept for me. I make my family many of the same meals, listen to the same music/artists, wear the same shirts with a certain pair of jeans, have certain undies I wear with certain pants, order the same coffee when I have the chance to get it, etc. I'm set in my ways.

Over the past few months, I've realized the need for change and its been a battle. I've seen areas that were just no longer good for me. This constant homebirth battle has drained me so much. It's like my life was full of negativity all the time. I was hard nosed and I did stay tapped into a lot of negative emotions and the only person it hurt was me. I'm finally able to see that all of my anger was nothing more than depression and grief. I need to work through those somehow and need to surround myself with those who can help me facilitate some kind of healing. Part of this has been trying to look beyond what is on the surface and really searching my heart. This has been and will continue to be a very painful process. Who really wants to look at themselves and see fault? Not me! The fact is we all have them. Nobody is perfect and even in a hurtful situation, we can choose our reaction.

So, I'm going to take this time to apologize to others. I posted a blog a little while back saying I had no sympathy for parents who lost their babies and didn't blame either the midwife or homebirth. I am truly sorry for any feelings I hurt in doing that. I had no right to say that to anyone. Its not my place to question, only support, and I went too far. I should never of allowed my pain to overrule anything. I am also sorry to anyone I've hurt in my "raptor" activities. I know it brought a lot of crap on to myself and I wish I could go back and change it all. Several times I was told that I fed off the negativity and I said "no, this is me". Well, I was wrong. I did. That's not me, at least, not anymore.

So, I'm standing here asking to be given second chances, asking to be seen for who I am now. In regards to the fight, well, honestly, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love my daughter and hate what happened, but I need to go forward. Having faith in God, I don't believe that's what I'm suppose to be doing. I think it served a purpose for a little while, but that's not what I was suppose to keep doing. I began stepping back months ago and continued to have loss mother's brought across my path. This even happened when I took breaks and tried pursuing new activities. You know, when you are going to the gym and the women you keep meeting are loss moms, it is being orchestrated by a power larger than yourself. I shared this with Heidi and I think she's just been waiting for me to accept it. So, I have and I'm going to try to listen to what God's telling me.

I hurt more than I imagined I would, but I have faith that this change will be a blessing in my life, somehow. And in the meantime, I hope to share more of myself here on a personal level so people get to know me better.