Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Change is okay

I'm the kind of person who lives life trying to keep everything the same. Change is a very difficult concept for me. I make my family many of the same meals, listen to the same music/artists, wear the same shirts with a certain pair of jeans, have certain undies I wear with certain pants, order the same coffee when I have the chance to get it, etc. I'm set in my ways.

Over the past few months, I've realized the need for change and its been a battle. I've seen areas that were just no longer good for me. This constant homebirth battle has drained me so much. It's like my life was full of negativity all the time. I was hard nosed and I did stay tapped into a lot of negative emotions and the only person it hurt was me. I'm finally able to see that all of my anger was nothing more than depression and grief. I need to work through those somehow and need to surround myself with those who can help me facilitate some kind of healing. Part of this has been trying to look beyond what is on the surface and really searching my heart. This has been and will continue to be a very painful process. Who really wants to look at themselves and see fault? Not me! The fact is we all have them. Nobody is perfect and even in a hurtful situation, we can choose our reaction.

So, I'm going to take this time to apologize to others. I posted a blog a little while back saying I had no sympathy for parents who lost their babies and didn't blame either the midwife or homebirth. I am truly sorry for any feelings I hurt in doing that. I had no right to say that to anyone. Its not my place to question, only support, and I went too far. I should never of allowed my pain to overrule anything. I am also sorry to anyone I've hurt in my "raptor" activities. I know it brought a lot of crap on to myself and I wish I could go back and change it all. Several times I was told that I fed off the negativity and I said "no, this is me". Well, I was wrong. I did. That's not me, at least, not anymore.

So, I'm standing here asking to be given second chances, asking to be seen for who I am now. In regards to the fight, well, honestly, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love my daughter and hate what happened, but I need to go forward. Having faith in God, I don't believe that's what I'm suppose to be doing. I think it served a purpose for a little while, but that's not what I was suppose to keep doing. I began stepping back months ago and continued to have loss mother's brought across my path. This even happened when I took breaks and tried pursuing new activities. You know, when you are going to the gym and the women you keep meeting are loss moms, it is being orchestrated by a power larger than yourself. I shared this with Heidi and I think she's just been waiting for me to accept it. So, I have and I'm going to try to listen to what God's telling me.

I hurt more than I imagined I would, but I have faith that this change will be a blessing in my life, somehow. And in the meantime, I hope to share more of myself here on a personal level so people get to know me better.

8 comments:

Nikki Bartel said...

That would be *think. Lol

Tamale said...

Thank you for being a part of my life for the time that you were. I have always adored your strength, and am genuinely proud of you that you are able to have had an epiphany like this. Above all else, you deserve happiness. Helping others through their grief is an unfortunate way to do that; but it's necessary, and I am SO happy for you to have found a new path.

Seili Wennam said...

This is a lovely post! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!

a + j said...

dear bambi,

i don't know you in real life. but i borrow in your grief every day.

my own daughter is gone. lost before i heard her cry. gone before i saw the color of her eyes.

the anger. the deep sadness. the sense that nothing will ever be right again. it is so real. and in everything i do, i see it. feel it. i have tried to will it all away...the pain. i have tried to ignore it. i have tried to be strong, so that others would not worry about me.

i tried to --wanted to --care about the issue of home birth and midwifery. i wanted to be an example. to help others. to stand up for what is right.

instead, i find that standing up in my life --each day--being a wife, mother, friend--it is so much more worth my time & energy.

each time that i delve into the mess that is the 'home birth issue' i feel that i sink just a little bit lower into my skin. a little lower into my bed each night. i little lower...

and each time i sink lower into the issue, the harder it is for me to pull myself out of it again. to be normal. happy. wife-mama-friend. the 'issue' drags me down to a very unhappy place.

so i try my best, now, to steer clear. bring it up if/when it seems like its what my heart truly wants.

if what you need is to step back, then you should do it. take care of yourself.

i am so sorry about your daughter. know she has a friend in my sofia.

from a song called 'the wind'
by alela diane

"cause i'm on the wind, i can't go back.
i am a dream on a wind.

too late darling, it was too late
too late mama, i've gone to the sky
how can we learn, learn to lose
how can we learn, learn to lose

death is a hard act to follow, ooh
death is a hard act to follow

now i give grace to you & yours
from this bright new home of silver moon
sweet sister, i am with you forever more."

love to you,
adrienne

Safer Midwifery MI said...

Adrienne and Bambi, I don't have the right words, but I'm so proud of both of you, as are your daughters. You both contribute a great deal to the healing of others. You are wonderful examples of friends and of mothers. I am happy to know you both and wish you many happy days to come.

Elle's mommy said...

This is wonderful! I will be praying for you Bambi and your family...

Michelle said...

As someone who was hurt by some of the comments you made about my own loss, I just want to say I appreciate your honesty in this blog post. I truly hope that you can reach some type of healing regarding your loss. And remember that having peace doesn't equal you not loving your daughter. It is okay to be okay. It doesn't mean you don't still love her.

Suburban Flock said...

Bambi, I am not a religious person, but my heart lifted to read this.

Your strength and your capacity for honesty is like a light that is slowly getting brighter, and clearer, and warmer.

You're going to a good place and you deserve to reach it.

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