It never ceases to amaze me that any time an adverse outcome is discussed, the term "personal responsibility" is thrown towards parents. This is the only time I see it used within the community, when parents speak up. Essentially, this is their way of telling you that you are at fault for your baby dying. This is nothing more than a protection mechanism because nobody wants to see fault in something they love and support.
This bothers me for a few reasons-
We relied on someone that we were led to believe was a medical professional. We believed the information given to us. Women are reassured that various high risk circumstances are "variations of normal". We are told homebirth is safer than hospital birth and given studies to back up that statement. You never hear stories about things going wrong. You get wrapped up in the entire homebirth culture. Your midwife is your friend and all your friends are homebirthers. You're steadfast in this community.
Let's look at one of their popular subjects- The Unnecesarean. The name is exactly what it sounds like, an unnecessary c-section. It is deemed unnecessary when baby is born alive and well. This is always blamed on a doctor wanting to hurry a mother along whether it's to free up a room, ruin her experience, they have no faith in mom's abilities, get to a golf game, get to dinner, get to a family function, etc. All the women who use this term are loved, supported, and validated in their feelings within the community. I can honestly say I have never seen anyone in the community be nasty to a mother who feels she had an unnecesarean. Those within this subculture track cesarean rates for various practitioners so that women can avoid those with high cesarean rates. They discuss all the ways in which cesareans are horrible and awful. I won't lie, I've even read stories and witnessed things that have made ME question the validity of a c-section in cases. These mothers are never told they should accept "personal responsibility" for their c-section. They are not blamed for it. They are seen as a victim of the obstetrical movement. Everyone is worried about preventing these surgeries and lowering rates.
They are worried about PPD due to c-sections as well. What about the PPD you have when you suddenly have empty arms? They talk about PTSD from the c-section, but what about our PTSD after a loss?? It's been almost 5 years and I still will trigger when I see an ambulance or I see that Lincoln Towncar that took my daughter from the funeral home to the cemetery. When I have to physically talk about that morning, I won't lie, I panic inside. My heart races, I can't breathe, my palms sweat. What about what we go through? Why doesn't that matter?
Can anyone, anyone, tell me why these mothers are treated better than homebirth loss mothers and shown much more respect? "You had a c-section, you poor thing, we have to do something about this" vs "You need to accept personal responsibility for your midwife being negligent and causing your baby's death". How can an OB be so horrible for doing a surgery (no matter the reason), but a midwife is on par with Jesus himself after negligently causing a death (or even multiple ones)? Is it just me or is something majorly messed up here?
I am sick to death of being told to accept responsibility for my daughter's death. Yes, I chose the midwife and birth location and I realize I failed horribly. This is something I live with every single day of my life. ME. If I had known there was something wrong, I would of went to the hospital immediately. However, when Brenda explained everything to me, it really did sound plausible and I had no reason to think otherwise. I've had advocates tell me why those explanations were plausible as well!! She was the "professional" and was hired because of it. We relied on her. How did she not know something was wrong when midwives are suppose to know all about what is normal? She gets to go about her life like nothing happened. I don't have that luxury. I've been blaming myself and battling the guilt since she died and when advocates insist on heaping that blame on my shoulders, it does affect me, more than I should let it. We get punished for wanting to prevent other parents from enduring this. The midwives we relied on, they get fundraising rallies and support.
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