Almost 5 years, my ramblings

over the last several months I have been acutely aware that Mary's birthday was approaching. So many things served as a reminder of this. It almost feels like my heart has taken repeated beatings. I rarely show any sign of "I'm hurting" when it comes to her. Why, I don't know. Maybe I don't want to drag people down or maybe it's because it has been awhile or I'm too stubborn. I don't know. I've already given a few buddies a heads up about her impending birthday just in case I'm not my normal self. Everybody is supportive, which is awesome.

I actually got a wild hair up my behind and chose to create a facebook event for her birthday. I want her remembered by more than just us. I want her life to matter. Maybe, If you find a thread about CPM's/homebirth, share her story (but cap it because they generally get deleted because dead babies don't matter to them). Maybe I'll ask for kindergarten school supplies so we can donate something for a little girl this school year. I need ideas. We have 20 days (yes, I am counting the days). I better hurry up and think!

Even though it has been this long, my heart is still broken. Losing your child, it shatters it. You go about life trying to put the pieces back together hoping your heart will be healed. Like a vase, it never goes back to how it once was, ever. I still deal with triggers. I still hate Brenda. I still feel guilty every day (which is one hell of a burden to carry). I still wish I had made different choices. I would change this in a heartbeat. I don't like being a loss mom, esp not this kind! 

I have learned that I'm strong, stronger than I ever knew I could be. I've learned that I'm glad I had her. I've learned who my friends truly are. I learned about the bonds of family due to the support I've received from mine since her death. I've learned about hope. I've learned about survival. I've learned that one subject can unite people as a family such as my fellow loss mothers. I don't know what I would of done without them. I love them and would do anything in this world for them. We know eachother like nobody else does. However, we all wish this wasn't what we have in common! I've learned that self-reflection is painful, but changes us for the better if we are willing to acknowledge it.