Mary's life....... I'm so thankful

My daughter spent a whopping 6 hours and 54 minutes on this earth, but 9 months carried inside of me. Through the last 3.5 years, I've spent so much time being angry that I've overlooked the blessings her life bestowed upon me. Am I still angry about what happened and how it happened?? I won't lie, I'm still furious. However, now I'm able to look back on HER, and everything I have gained, with fondness.

   I'm thankful for the people my daughter has brought into my life. Some have taught me so much about faith while grieving. One huge example that I have had is my friend Jill, who lost her son to hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I don't even think she realizes how many times I have read her blog and cried while in awe at her faith and strength. My friend Heidi, she has maintained her faith and now uses it to run StillBirthday, a site full of help and resources for parents who lose babies. She has also taken it upon herself to enlist doulas that can help grieving families (including myself). My dear friend Liz, who although her heart is hurting maintains her faith and does her best to help give other children/babies a loving home. All of these women reach out to other grieving moms as well.

  I'm thankful for the support and love of all the ladies from The Skeptical OB. That blog has allowed me to meet other women like myself and women who truly care about those of us who have been harmed. Together, we have started this safe homebirth movement, consisting of all the blogs on my Dear Friends list. Although people would have others believe that we are just some mean spirited group of women, we are so incredibly far from that. We help one another and reach out to others. The amount of kindness that I have seen from these ladies has just blown me away. I also met my best friend Lindsay because of our groups. She is so sweet and spunky. We are like two peas in a pod. Our children have gained the others as friends and so have our husbands. I've been embraced by her family and it just doesn't get any better than that.

  I'm thankful for the lessons my daughter taught me. Even though, at times, I really would love to give up, but I look at her precious face and find the strength to keep going. I never knew what kind of an impact someone could have on my life in such a short time. She taught me that in pain, I can still make a difference and help others. I have met so many women that have lost babies that have had as much an impact on me as I have. I'm able to take my loss and help someone else who is new to this "club". Losing a child is such a lonely experience and it really helps to know "I'm not alone and there IS hope". I can hold another mother's hand through all of this. There really is strength in numbers.

   I'm so thankful that she was OUR daughter and OUR children's sister. She could of been one of those swept under the rug babies that are so rampant in the homebirth community. I couldn't imagine not caring about her and only thinking of myself. She hasn't just been forgotten about. At times, I admit, I've thought to myself "I wish someone else could of gone through it instead of us", but then I imagine what kind of parent they would of been to their deceased child and it makes me sad. My daughter has a family that still keeps her memory alive. We still go to the cemetery every sunday and care for her "prime real estate". She is part of every holiday. We are involved in our support group. My children, CHILDREN, reach out to their peers who lose siblings and teachers who have lost babies. Although my children have endured something so horrific so early on in life, they have become such compassionate and loving individuals. Man, I am so proud of them and so honored to be their mother. And my husband, he has been so wonderful. We have been the perfect pair for dealing with this together. His love and support has done wonders and vice versa. I'm thankful that he is my husband and the father of all of these children.

    I'm thankful that she just existed. I'm glad she chose us as her family. I know losing her has been the MOST painful experience of my life, but I have survived and AM stronger than I ever knew I was. I will continue loving and missing her for the rest of my life, but I'm thankful she was here. I HAVE a beautiful, beautiful baby girl and I'm honored to be her mother.

Mary Beth, Mommy is so thankful for YOU.

Mary's life....... I'm so thankful

   My daughter spent a whopping 6 hours and 54 minutes on this earth, but 9 months carried inside of me. Through the last 3.5 years, I've spent so much time being angry that I've overlooked the blessings her life bestowed upon me. Am I still angry about what happened and how it happened?? I won't lie, I'm still furious. However, now I'm able to look back on HER, and everything I have gained, with fondness.

   I'm thankful for the people my daughter has brought into my life. Some have taught me so much about faith while grieving. One huge example that I have had is my friend Jill, who lost her son to hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I don't even think she realizes how many times I have read her blog and cried while in awe at her faith and strength. My friend Heidi, she has maintained her faith and now uses it to run StillBirthday, a site full of help and resources for parents who lose babies. She has also taken it upon herself to enlist doulas that can help grieving families (including myself). My dear friend Liz, who although her heart is hurting maintains her faith and does her best to help give other children/babies a loving home. All of these women reach out to other grieving moms as well.

  I'm thankful for the support and love of all the ladies from The Skeptical OB. That blog has allowed me to meet other women like myself and women who truly care about those of us who have been harmed. Together, we have started this safe homebirth movement, consisting of all the blogs on my Dear Friends list. Although people would have others believe that we are just some mean spirited group of women, we are so incredibly far from that. We help one another and reach out to others. The amount of kindness that I have seen from these ladies has just blown me away. I also met my best friend Lindsay because of our groups. She is so sweet and spunky. We are like two peas in a pod. Our children have gained the others as friends and so have our husbands. I've been embraced by her family and it just doesn't get any better than that.

  I'm thankful for the lessons my daughter taught me. Even though, at times, I really would love to give up, but I look at her precious face and find the strength to keep going. I never knew what kind of an impact someone could have on my life in such a short time. She taught me that in pain, I can still make a difference and help others. I have met so many women that have lost babies that have had as much an impact on me as I have. I'm able to take my loss and help someone else who is new to this "club". Losing a child is such a lonely experience and it really helps to know "I'm not alone and there IS hope". I can hold another mother's hand through all of this. There really is strength in numbers.

   I'm so thankful that she was OUR daughter and OUR children's sister. She could of been one of those swept under the rug babies that are so rampant in the homebirth community. I couldn't imagine not caring about her and only thinking of myself. She hasn't just been forgotten about. At times, I admit, I've thought to myself "I wish someone else could of gone through it instead of us", but then I imagine what kind of parent they would of been to their deceased child and it makes me sad. My daughter has a family that still keeps her memory alive. We still go to the cemetery every sunday and care for her "prime real estate". She is part of every holiday. We are involved in our support group. My children, CHILDREN, reach out to their peers who lose siblings and teachers who have lost babies. Although my children have endured something so horrific so early on in life, they have become such compassionate and loving individuals. Man, I am so proud of them and so honored to be their mother. And my husband, he has been so wonderful. We have been the perfect pair for dealing with this together. His love and support has done wonders and vice versa. I'm thankful that he is my husband and the father of all of these children.

    I'm thankful that she just existed. I'm glad she chose us as her family. I know losing her has been the MOST painful experience of my life, but I have survived and AM stronger than I ever knew I was. I will continue loving and missing her for the rest of my life, but I'm thankful she was here. I HAVE a beautiful, beautiful baby girl and I'm honored to be her mother.

Mary Beth, Mommy is so thankful for YOU.

My Birth Stories-- Child #1

I am going to be doing a series sharing with you all my various labor/birth stories over the next few weeks. I feel that, in order to really understand me, I should share with you all. All in all, they really aren't too bad and I'm thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way. I think I may even share the story of my second miscarriage in the hopes that maybe it can help someone else. 

When I got pregnant with my oldest in 1997 when I was 17 years old. I took Lamaze, but unfortunately, only got three classes in before I went into preterm labor. We had only left at 8pm on wednesday and my water broke at 1:30am. I was 36 weeks exact. Of course, when your water breaks and it just trickles, you wonder, "was that my water or is it me". So, I waited for a few hours until I was finally convinced that my water had broke. I had also begun feeling weird little things and they were 6 minutes apart. I tried waking up my fiancee, but he just said to let him know when they were 5 minutes apart because he was convinced I wet myself. At 6:30am, I convinced him that this was it and we needed to go to the hospital. Before we left, I called my step-grandmother to get the hospitals number so I could check with them. Called them and they did say to come in. Of course, my fiancee threw on his work clothes because he still wasn't convinced (Yes, the man is stubborn, lol). 

Get to the hospital and get checked. Yep, water broke and was just trickling. I think we got there about 7am. Contractions weren't regular or doing anything and were pretty painless. My doctor figured it would be good to just break my water more. Fiancee went ahead to work so I just sat chatting with nurses. At one point, I was concerned about my long nails scratching my baby so the nurse found me some fingernail clippers! The doctor ordered some pitocin to help me along. Then my fiancee came back from work. The family he was working for was very old fashioned. so he had never shared my pregnancy with them until that day, and was promptly told to go be with me. Unfortunately, with my water being broken, I was losing too much fluid, so I got to have an internal catheter placed. Fun times!! The labor was quite painful, but with the help of my fiancee and nurses, I was able to breathe and focus on what I was doing. At one point they had to place an electrode in my son's scalp because he seemed to be having some trouble. The pitocin was increased and decreased throughout the day. 

Around 7:45pm, I asked for an epidural. Got that and was able to rest. It was nice. Around 10:00pm, I was complete and began pushing. Epidural was turned off so I could feel everything. THAT was awesome (Can you sense the sarcasm??)!! Around 11:30, the doctor had to do an emergency c-section on another mom and, due to the decels my son kept having, he let me know if I didn't have him out soon, I would have to have one as well. When he came back to my room, he had to hurry up and don his outfit so he could catch my son. I was given an episiotomy too. After my son's head came out, the doctor found that the cord was around his neck three times. He was delivered blue and limp. He was handed off to a resus team and then taken to the NICU. 

On top of my son's cord, his newborn exam found that he had a Ventricular Septal Defect. C was in the NICU until sunday when he was released. Monday, we were back at the hospital to check bilirubin levels and weight. Tuesday morning, same. Shortly after my stepmother took me home, she came back because the doctor had called and let us know C needed readmitted. We spent 3 more days in the nicu. Luckily, the hospital hooked us up with a private room and I was able to nurse and pump for him.

 I continued to pump for two months until I got tired of it and put him back on the breast, where he stayed until he was 16 months old. We also supplemented from 5 months on. He was such a great baby and a total Momma's Boy!!