Happy Birthday Eve

Written by my husband and taken to the paper today:

When I look up at the sky I see a pair of angel wings go by. It's not a bird, but an angel I see. Through the clouds, she smiles at me. And when I see the brownish red hair I know then that Mary is there. My arms long to hold her next to me. But this is a dream that can never be. She waves and continues on her way, so it is without her that I must face each day. I can only remember her in my heart. With the love and memories, we're not apart.

Written by my 12 year old daughter:

Mary, it's been 4 years since you first came into this world, but, that same day you were taken away. We love you and miss you. Ever since then I have done a lot of things to remember you. Every year for your birthday we go to the cemetery and have lunch there for you. Every year that you've been gone, it drives me to tears because I was there when you were born and when those paramedics took you away from us. Mommy has all of your stuff from that day and she still has the dress she wore for your funeral. We won't ever forget you baby girl. We love you and happy 4th birthday.

Written by my 7 year old son:

Dear Mary, I love you so much. I want you here right now. I miss you. You're so cute. I wish for you to be in my arms right now. I saw your angel at school sometimes. I would buy you anything. I miss you like nuts. When we go to the cemetery to see you I get tears in my eyes. I love you and miss you. Love, Josh

Written by my 10 year old son:

Mary, oh how I wish to hold you in my arms again. Just to show you how much I love you. Just please one last time but up in heaven is where you lay I want to be able to make wishes come true.but it is impossible to make wishes come true. I love you mary.

Written by my 5 year old daughter:

Mary, we love you no matter how old you are we will never forget how much love you angel Mary.
she was the best little sister.


Right now, I cannot form the words to express how I am feeling tonight. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here. I'm angry that she isn't here and that her life was snuffed out before it even began. I hate spending her birthday remembering her. It's just not good enough. Damnit, I want her here, alive and healthy, with her family. No parent should ever go through this, ever. It sucks. I wish I could see her blow out candles. I wish I could see her go nuts over her cake. What flavor ice cream would she want? What flavor cake? Would she love German chocolate like her dad, strawberry like my oldest son, vanilla like the 5 and 7 year olds? What toys would we be buying? What would she be into?? Those are questions that will never be answered. And we will be living with these questions as long as we live. Her siblings will always miss her. Her baby sister will never know her, only hearing stories. One story that has left my oldest daughter almost traumatized. I've had to continuously comfort children today, assuring them that it's ok to feel how they do, knowing tomorrow will be even worse and trying to not fall apart myself.

Happy Birthday Eve

Written by my husband and taken to the paper today:

When I look up at the sky I see a pair of angel wings go by. It's not a bird, but an angel I see. Through the clouds, she smiles at me. And when I see the brownish red hair I know then that Mary is there. My arms long to hold her next to me. But this is a dream that can never be. She waves and continues on her way, so it is without her that I must face each day. I can only remember her in my heart. With the love and memories, we're not apart.

Written by my 12 year old daughter:

Mary, it's been 4 years since you first came into this world, but, that same day you were taken away. We love you and miss you. Ever since then I have done a lot of things to remember you. Every year for your birthday we go to the cemetery and have lunch there for you. Every year that you've been gone, it drives me to tears because I was there when you were born and when those paramedics took you away from us. Mommy has all of your stuff from that day and she still has the dress she wore for your funeral. We won't ever forget you baby girl. We love you and happy 4th birthday.

Written by my 7 year old son:

Dear Mary, I love you so much. I want you here right now. I miss you. You're so cute. I wish for you to be in my arms right now. I saw your angel at school sometimes. I would buy you anything. I miss you like nuts. When we go to the cemetery to see you I get tears in my eyes. I love you and miss you. Love, Josh

Written by my 10 year old son:

Mary, oh how I wish to hold you in my arms again. Just to show you how much I love you. Just please one last time but up in heaven is where you lay I want to be able to make wishes come true.but it is impossible to make wishes come true. I love you mary.

Written by my 5 year old daughter:

Mary, we love you no matter how old you are we will never forget how much love you angel Mary.
she was the best little sister.


Right now, I cannot form the words to express how I am feeling tonight. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here. I'm angry that she isn't here and that her life was snuffed out before it even began. I hate spending her birthday remembering her. It's just not good enough. Damnit, I want her here, alive and healthy, with her family. No parent should ever go through this, ever. It sucks. I wish I could see her blow out candles. I wish I could see her go nuts over her cake. What flavor ice cream would she want? What flavor cake? Would she love German chocolate like her dad, strawberry like my oldest son, vanilla like the 5 and 7 year olds? What toys would we be buying? What would she be into?? Those are questions that will never be answered. And we will be living with these questions as long as we live. Her siblings will always miss her. Her baby sister will never know her, only hearing stories. One story that has left my oldest daughter almost traumatized. I've had to continuously comfort children today, assuring them that it's ok to feel how they do, knowing tomorrow will be even worse and trying to not fall apart myself.

Almost four years- my ranting

As I get closer and closer to my daughter's birthday, I'm on edge.

 I'm feeling a little more triggery. I had an ambulance coming through traffic yesterday and sometimes, just the sound of them sets off alarms in my head. When I see it, I go back to that fateful ride in the front seat and can still see us speeding by Walgreen's and St Joan of Arc on our way to the hospital. I remember the dipwad who didn't want to stop for the ambulance. Sometimes, I swear I can still smell the hospital. I'll have to take deep breaths to just calm myself because I can feel the panic starting to well up in my chest.

I'm feeling the anger creeping back in. I've been fighting for almost four years to get people to listen and to try to change things, hoping that maybe the midwifery/homebirth community would begin to care. Now, some things have changed and a few bloggers are stepping out (The Sensible Midwife, Grateful Mom's of Many, Navelgazing Midwife, Birth Without Fear, and Mama Eve). The community doesn't want change and it's obvious. Mother's are still blamed while midwives are rallied behind. I'm accustomed to this. Still ticks me off, but it's not as shocking to me anymore. However, mother's who are new to this are not accustomed to it. They shouldn't have to deal with it like those before them have had to. The community should be wrapping it's arms around them. The community SHOULD be standing up against negligence. It should NOT be acceptable. Truly, I don't care if a parent blames their midwife or not, but if a baby dies or is injured, that midwife needs handled so it does not continue. That is just unacceptable.

I am angry that Brenda has continued on like nothing ever happened. More babies have died and been hurt under her watch. The anger I feel towards her is like no other. She cost my child her life. She has cost other babies their lives as well. Not a single one of these deaths has mattered. Not a single baby has mattered. Clients, they matter until they are no longer towing the line. We live with knowing we made the decision to hire her. I will carry that to my grave. Her, she's on the way there due to cancer, but the deaths and injuries, they mean nothing. I take that back, my daughter's death did mean something to her, until I questioned Brenda's actions and behavior. THEN, it meant nothing. Now, I feel like an ass for falling for the crap during my pregnancies. These "midwives", they use us and manipulate us so that we won't turn on them. They don't care about us or our babies. As soon as we aren't behaving like they think we should, it is on. The sad thing is, I have seen so many of these "midwives" that attack these loss moms and make wild accusations and question mental status. I recently received a nasty message from Amy Medwin herself for daring to speak about the losses she has caused. I mean, really?? When are these losers going to be held accountable for the harm they inflict because they want to play doctor?

Most of all, I miss my daughter. I have missed out on so much that so many of these advocates take for granted. They push the whole AP thing. Well, I never got to nurse my baby or snuggle with her in bed at night or wear her in my sling or hold her all day or anything. I've missed out on four years of her life. I never got to see her grow. I got nothing. SHE got nothing and it was preventable.

Her life was taken by someone and it's been acceptable and supported because the person calls herself a midwife. The community is perfectly fine with her life being taken. Negligent Homicide. Those words are in a police file with my baby's name on it. What if Brenda were a drunk driver who mowed my child down in a street? Or crashed into our vehicle and killed my daughter? Would it then be ok to place the death of my child on her shoulders?? Because the charge is the same!!!!! Those would also be negligent homicide.

Today, I want to just *headdesk*. My anger probably wouldn't be boiling over today if I hadn't gotten into a discussion where a CBE is blaming mothers who have babies that die. I'm sick of it being put back on us. ANYTHING that happens to a mother in a medical facility is supported and bemoaned while the medical professionals are vilified and it's NEVER questioned. Yet, we do not get that same treatment all because it shows a failure within their community and it's easier to blow us and our babies off then say "OMG, something needs done, theres a failure here". Why?? And those women, most of the time, they do have what we don't, a healthy baby. A c-section gets more contempt than a preventable death. I would of had a hundred c-sections to bypass that death. I truly don't get this community or it's messed up priorities. Hopefully, now that these bloggers have stepped out and said something, hopefully things will change fast. Hopefully no more mothers will join our ranks and no more babies will join ours.