Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.