More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Experiencing Loss After Infant Loss

       

           Death is a rather uncomfortable topic to address in society. Unfortunately, this is something that we all must face at some point or another. Our family, sadly, was hit by this last month when my husband's grandmother passed away. This was the first loss in the family since our daughter. I know, for me, this caused multiple triggers from when we lost Mary Beth. One of my concerns was that of my children. Back when we lost their sister, they had all been around loss, so I knew the older ones would be ok. However, seeing me break down did cause my oldest daughter to break down as well, but she and I are very close.

          My biggest concern was having to help the youngest two girls navigate this. Yes, the one also went through the loss of her sister, but she wasn't even two when that happened. I almost felt like I was in unfamiliar territory this time. As much as I would love to take them and go hide them from everything that could ever hurt them, I know it's not realistic. Nobody can hide from death. Navigating these waters with children who have, essentially, been untouched by death was a concern as it is for any other parent. So, I began this by being honest. There's no point in trying to lie or sugarcoat this loss. We did have a few advantages in that we do keep photos of Mary around from the funeral home, so they knew there would be a casket and she wouldn't quite look the same. They also were familiar with the cemetery, so there was nothing spooky about going there.

 Mary is laid to rest beside her great grandparent's, with her great grandmother's place being between Mary and her husband. So, in getting the spot ready the caretaker's took it upon themselves to haphazardly toss our daughter's belongings around, which meant broken items. That angered the kids and I. We are on first name basis with one of the guys and he knows this is a family.

The biggest thing that hit me was lost time. I know we can't always spend every moment with someone, but it still hurts when you don't get that last chance. I'm learning that, no matter what, when someone dies, we're gonna have regrets and things we wished we would of said or done. This, to me, is one of the reasons that I believe we should always tell and show those around us that we love them. She knew I loved her because I told her every time I would hug her. As far as I've always been concerned, she was my grandmother too. I didn't get to really have close relationships with any of my grandparents. She just meant the absolute world to me.

Don't Beat Yourselves Up!

          Yesterday we had another birthday in our home. My third child turned 13! I have three teenagers in my house. Holy cow! This led me to thinking about the early days of parenting versus the teen years. Does it really matter how they came into the world? Did sleeping arrangements or feeding methods affect anything?? Was it worth the stress now that they're older? Let's play a fun game called Match The Kid!

       A.   This child was the 21.5 hour labor where I received an epidural 4 hours before birth. We also had pitocin. Said child slept with us, was breastfed for 16 months, but also had formula.

       B.   Next child was a 12 hour completely natural labor and birth. Child was breastfed for three months and then put on formula. Baby slept with us most of the time.

        C.  Last child was a 6 hour completely natural labor and birth. This one was breastfed for 18 months, but given formula on occasion. Baby also slept with us.

          Now that you know those little tidbits, I'll tell you about each child.

        1.  This child is very sweet, loves their siblings, gets straight A's, listens 99% of the time. Has only ever had one health problem. Child is very respectful and helpful.

        2.  Next child can be moody, but is generally an angel. Get's B's. Is helpful towards older adults and seniors. No health issues, healthy as can be. Respectful when not moody.

         3. Next child can also be moody, but an angel as well 99% of the time. Gets straight A's. No health problems. Very helpful and respectful, also when not moody.


So, going with what mothers are told and fed about birth and trivial parenting decisions, I'm here to say it doesn't matter. Our kids will become who they become due to not only their personalities, but in how we actually raise them. What are you TEACHING them? How do you TREAT them?? That is where it all lies. If your child feels loved, accepted, and supported you're going to have an awesome kid! If you put your child down, don't show love, or treat them horribly you are going to be in for a huge rude awakening.

All of our kids are going to go through stages where they test the waters and, I believe, this also plays a part in who they turn into. Your reaction and behavior will determine the severity of these tests. We don't have to be doormats, but we also can't be doorstops. Sometimes we have to seriously lay down the law regardless, but many of the things kids do aren't really worth getting into it with them over. Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? In child-rearing, this is vital.

Next time you berate yourself for not doing what the sanctimommies tell you that you should do, walk into a high school and try to pick out the children who were birthed or fed certain ways. I promise, you won't be able to tell!

Children are a blessing

As a grieving mother, I want people to see just how precious their children are and to act like it. If there is one thing that I want to come out of Mary's death, it is for a lightbulb moment to happen and someone take a look at their child and decide that they will do their very best for them.

1. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.
2. Please do not do any kind of drug. They are illegal for a reason.
3. Put down the cigarettes. for starters, cigarette smoke actualy kills spots of the placenta which leads to there being less nutrients for your growing baby. Essentially, you are starving your un born child. I use to smoke and know how addicting it is. But, as a mother, your kids come before you do!! If you are going to smoke, please do it away from your children. NO child should have to breathe that crap in. You are pretty much abusing your child by subjecting it to secondhand smoke.
4. Do not cuss at your children! I think that is pretty self explanatory.
5. Don't hit your children. A swat on the butt or a smack on the hand or mouth is understandable. However, to constantly be hitting, is abuse and it's wrong.
6. Never tell your child things like you hate them, wish they were dead, call them names, say you wish they lived with another person, etc. Speak love at all times.

Children are a blessing

As a grieving mother, I want people to see just how precious their children are and to act like it. If there is one thing that I want to come out of Mary's death, it is for a lightbulb moment to happen and someone take a look at their child and decide that they will do their very best for them.

1. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.
2. Please do not do any kind of drug. They are illegal for a reason.
3. Put down the cigarettes. for starters, cigarette smoke actualy kills spots of the placenta which leads to there being less nutrients for your growing baby. Essentially, you are starving your un born child. I use to smoke and know how addicting it is. But, as a mother, your kids come before you do!! If you are going to smoke, please do it away from your children. NO child should have to breathe that crap in. You are pretty much abusing your child by subjecting it to secondhand smoke.
4. Do not cuss at your children! I think that is pretty self explanatory.
5. Don't hit your children. A swat on the butt or a smack on the hand or mouth is understandable. However, to constantly be hitting, is abuse and it's wrong.
6. Never tell your child things like you hate them, wish they were dead, call them names, say you wish they lived with another person, etc. Speak love at all times.

Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.

Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.