It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.

Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.

Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.