Tonight, I seem to of hit a wall and all I can think is that I hate being a bereaved parent. Nobody asked me if I wanted this, it was thrust upon me. Many think I use it to garner sympathy or use it to be a bitch or use it to hurt others. Yeah, not hardly. I don't enjoy this.
This destroyed my belief system. I believed in homebirth and midwifery. Actually, I believed in midwifery to the point that I wanted to be one. Yes, I talked to Brenda about enrolling in an online midwifery school. My life was all about promoting natural birth, homebirth, and midwives. I know I pushed many people away and drove others crazy. I saw hospital birth and knew everything wrong. I wanted women to have what I did. I still, occasionally, have to battle that birth demon. It hasn't been easy.
I have to deal with others who see my daughter's death and think it doesn't matter. It matters. I wish I could tell myself that it would of happened regardless, but, I know different. I have to look at myself every single day knowing it was my choice that led to this. I'm harder on myself than I am on Brenda.
I have to keep fighting. This makes me the bad guy. What gets me is this seems like the only time you can't fight. I'm the enemy although I don't want to be. Let me share an example- car seat techs. They see a few accidents (likely more than a few) and see the importance of various safe riding initiatives. They go on and on hoping people can hear the message. They know many aren't receptive, but continue on. They don't want to see preventable deaths. Yet, they are heralded as wonderful advocates. So, how can those who promote safer midwifery be an enemy? If a baby/toddler dies from unsafe car sea useage it's a horrible tragedy, but baby dies preventable death it's no big deal. If someone uses that child as a reason to practice this car seat recommendation, it's heroic and the child has a legacy. However, in a homebirth, it doesn't matter, the baby would of died regardless. I have yet to see anyone say an unsafe car seat child would of died regardless. No one child matters more than another and I think people tend to forget it.
I hate having Sunday's at the cemetery. I hate watching the peony buds she has knowing that as they larger, its that much closer to her birthday. I love my friends, but, I can't deny that it breaks my heart when our due date club babies start having birthdays. This shouldn't be my life. I wish I could have a do over. I want my daughter more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.
I want her to matter. I want people to care about her needless and preventable death. I want people to care about how this has been on our family. Yes, it may of happened almost 5 years ago, but SHE still matters and will until the day I die. I want good to come of this. I don't want other parents to endure this, ever, ever, ever. I want the midwifery and homebirth communities to come together, support us, and say it's not ok and do everything in their power to prevent this. Show us our babies matter. Mine is not the only one, nor is she the last. I hate that. Does the homebirth community hate it? Does the midwifery community hate it?
2 comments:
Hugs to you Bambi. Mary does matter and you and she are making a difference. I know it's hard to see with all of the muckety muck, but she does matter.
I can only imagine how extremely hard you are being on yourself in this too. We're supposed to protect our children and not let any harm come to them. But just know that Mary Beth would be proud of you. Your cause is a valiant one and you have hit a lot of walls along the way, but the fact that you're still here fighting shows the kind of passionate caring person that you are. Don't give up, this is important and people will begin to see that eventually.
She matters. What you are doing in her memory is making a difference.
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