Loss, There IS a Hierarchy

When we have losses, whether it's a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal, infant, child, etc, it's said in support groups that loss is loss. I'm going to take an unpopular stance and say that no, loss isn't loss. I'm sure you're starting to grasp your pearls at reading that. Let me explain.

I will preface this by saying that I have miscarried, twice, in addition to having my daughter pass away. When I had my second miscarriage, I held that little tiny person in my hand and actually had a specimen cup in which to place the tissue in in order to bring it in to the doctor. The experience was terrible. I grieved for a long while over that loss. First one, it didn't really phase me (and that's ok). That baby, I had a whopping eleven weeks with it. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl, so I chose a unisex name. I was so adamant that I refused a D&C! I had to labor and birth my baby myself at home. So, on to my next points now that you know part of my back story.

When I lost Mary Beth, women told me they understood because they had miscarried. I drew on my experience and let me tell you, the experiences didn't compare. I carried my daughter for 36 1/2 weeks, labored, and gave birth to a living child who (supposedly) was healthy. My miscarriage was nothing like what I went through with her, not by a long shot. In groups, women with miscarriages were considered as being in the same camp as those of us who lost our (actual) babies. Let me tell you, you have not gone through what I have. I can commiserate with you, but you are not like me when it comes to losing my daughter.

Got your attention now, don't I? As much as I identify as a grieving mother, my loss with Mary doesn't compare to the people I've seen lose their children. It doesn't. My mother had a special needs child that passed away at 6.5 years old. She had so much time with my sister and add in the medical needs, I can only relate to my mom as fellow loss moms (which is a blessing and curse). Back in August, I wrapped my arms around the mother of one of my child's friends and told her she wasn't alone. Her son was 14 and died at his own hands. She had 14 YEARS and has to live with the decision her child made. Her grief and life aren't even fathomable to me. Last night, I held a mom who was watching her son die from cancer in hospice. He lost his battle today at 21 years of age. I knew her son as a lively, artistic, and eccentric young man. Her grief and what she has been going through, my loss is NOTHING compared to that.

This realization hit me last night. Loss groups are out there telling us there is no hierarchy in grief or loss, but there really is. Yes, some of us didn't know a gender or a personality or memories and that in itself does hurt. But, some people have their child for years only to have them ripped away. They have nothing but memories from years together. I have no problem telling my friends that they have it worse than I do, I can't even wrap my mind around what some of them have endured. I've buried my child and cannot imagine what it would be like to lose an older child. I hope I never have to find out.

I'm going to be honest and say that I feel like I got off easy. My daughter passed away a few hours after she was born. I didn't have the time with her to learn anything or create memories and that will always haunt me. I was shorted with missing out on memories these other women have to draw on. If I listed the moms I've known and/or encountered, who lost children after 2, 5, 6, 8, 14, and 21 years, perhaps you could see your loss from another perspective too. Right now, I admit, what these other moms have went through is so much worse than what I have.

We need to openly admit that there really is a hierarchy on grief within this loss community. Some, they really do have it worse than we do. As much as we all want to see ourselves as being on someone else's level, we're not and never will be. We have some similarities, but, they're still not enough to say we're the same or going through the same thing. Yes, futures are cut short so there are what-ifs, missed memories, and we all have to learn how to get through various milestones, but that really is as far as it goes. Perhaps instead of using the term hierarchy, I should say that our losses are vastly different though similar, though I still believe burying an hours old baby is almost preferable to watching your 21 year old child die from cancer.

Let me end with reiterating the fact that, no matter what happened, we all go to bed with various regrets and heartaches. On holidays, we're all going to see/feel that empty space where our child should be. On birthdays, we're going to feel that heartbreak. On death anniversaries, we're going to remember that day wondering if we could have done something different to change the outcome. We're still hurting and wanting our child here with us.

My Childs Friend Took His Life

As I sat in my room yesterday morning, my 15 year son walked in and sat on the edge of my bed after having been fishing with friends. His demeanor was off while his friend seemed very solemn. When he sat, he began crying. My son is one of those tough boys who doesn't cry, ever. I knew something major had transpired, I just didn't know what.

After several minutes, he was finally able to utter the words that his friend, whom he had known since Kindergarten, had taken his life late the night before. Being a mom, my heart broke for my child who was now wracked with grief, anger, disbelief, and guilt. This boy had been smiling as he talked to my son last week when we were at the school picking up essentials. As a mom, I cried over this innocent lost life, over what his parents are going through, over what my child is now carrying, and lastly asked myself how I could keep one of my children from feeling that this was their only option. 

My son has taken to rambling on about the situation trying to piece together the whys. He knew of the issues that his friend dealt with throughout school, with the most prominent one being bullying from other children. There is so much talked about in regards to this, so I wonder why it's just not working. Are we not taking this seriously? We know children commit suicide over this. I know and have seen bullying not taken seriously by administrators as I've been that parent. My child was bullied and it wasn't taken seriously until my son sent his bully to the hospital. It shouldn't have reached that point. It should have been taken seriously when my child was hurt six months prior!

My son is trying to figure out what he could have done. He's angry with the kids that knowingly bullied his friend and are now posting RIP things on social media. He wonders if he should have tried spending more time with his friend over the summer, but his parents disliked their sons friends. My son helped him the last time he felt this way and wonders if he could have helped him the other day. 

I feel terrible that he is now carrying this weight, it's not something that a child should deal with. He already told me he can do services alone, which I nixed. He needs our support as he works through this.