My Childs Friend Took His Life

As I sat in my room yesterday morning, my 15 year son walked in and sat on the edge of my bed after having been fishing with friends. His demeanor was off while his friend seemed very solemn. When he sat, he began crying. My son is one of those tough boys who doesn't cry, ever. I knew something major had transpired, I just didn't know what.

After several minutes, he was finally able to utter the words that his friend, whom he had known since Kindergarten, had taken his life late the night before. Being a mom, my heart broke for my child who was now wracked with grief, anger, disbelief, and guilt. This boy had been smiling as he talked to my son last week when we were at the school picking up essentials. As a mom, I cried over this innocent lost life, over what his parents are going through, over what my child is now carrying, and lastly asked myself how I could keep one of my children from feeling that this was their only option. 

My son has taken to rambling on about the situation trying to piece together the whys. He knew of the issues that his friend dealt with throughout school, with the most prominent one being bullying from other children. There is so much talked about in regards to this, so I wonder why it's just not working. Are we not taking this seriously? We know children commit suicide over this. I know and have seen bullying not taken seriously by administrators as I've been that parent. My child was bullied and it wasn't taken seriously until my son sent his bully to the hospital. It shouldn't have reached that point. It should have been taken seriously when my child was hurt six months prior!

My son is trying to figure out what he could have done. He's angry with the kids that knowingly bullied his friend and are now posting RIP things on social media. He wonders if he should have tried spending more time with his friend over the summer, but his parents disliked their sons friends. My son helped him the last time he felt this way and wonders if he could have helped him the other day. 

I feel terrible that he is now carrying this weight, it's not something that a child should deal with. He already told me he can do services alone, which I nixed. He needs our support as he works through this. 

More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Don't Beat Yourselves Up!

          Yesterday we had another birthday in our home. My third child turned 13! I have three teenagers in my house. Holy cow! This led me to thinking about the early days of parenting versus the teen years. Does it really matter how they came into the world? Did sleeping arrangements or feeding methods affect anything?? Was it worth the stress now that they're older? Let's play a fun game called Match The Kid!

       A.   This child was the 21.5 hour labor where I received an epidural 4 hours before birth. We also had pitocin. Said child slept with us, was breastfed for 16 months, but also had formula.

       B.   Next child was a 12 hour completely natural labor and birth. Child was breastfed for three months and then put on formula. Baby slept with us most of the time.

        C.  Last child was a 6 hour completely natural labor and birth. This one was breastfed for 18 months, but given formula on occasion. Baby also slept with us.

          Now that you know those little tidbits, I'll tell you about each child.

        1.  This child is very sweet, loves their siblings, gets straight A's, listens 99% of the time. Has only ever had one health problem. Child is very respectful and helpful.

        2.  Next child can be moody, but is generally an angel. Get's B's. Is helpful towards older adults and seniors. No health issues, healthy as can be. Respectful when not moody.

         3. Next child can also be moody, but an angel as well 99% of the time. Gets straight A's. No health problems. Very helpful and respectful, also when not moody.


So, going with what mothers are told and fed about birth and trivial parenting decisions, I'm here to say it doesn't matter. Our kids will become who they become due to not only their personalities, but in how we actually raise them. What are you TEACHING them? How do you TREAT them?? That is where it all lies. If your child feels loved, accepted, and supported you're going to have an awesome kid! If you put your child down, don't show love, or treat them horribly you are going to be in for a huge rude awakening.

All of our kids are going to go through stages where they test the waters and, I believe, this also plays a part in who they turn into. Your reaction and behavior will determine the severity of these tests. We don't have to be doormats, but we also can't be doorstops. Sometimes we have to seriously lay down the law regardless, but many of the things kids do aren't really worth getting into it with them over. Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? In child-rearing, this is vital.

Next time you berate yourself for not doing what the sanctimommies tell you that you should do, walk into a high school and try to pick out the children who were birthed or fed certain ways. I promise, you won't be able to tell!

School and Kids

   

     I'm in my seventh week of school and slowly questioning my sanity! It seems as though my perceptions of how my classes would go were wrong. I figured I would ace English Composition and completely fail at Pre-Algebra. English Comp has shown me that I still have quite a bit to master where writing is concerned and it's kind of tough! The math, I'm blowing that out of the water and am way past where I need to be. I'm pretty impressed with myself! I did register for some summer classes (10 credit hours, to be exact), but still need to get everything that entails squared away.

     I've noticed that trying to juggle everything has left me pretty frazzled and semi anti-social. It's not incredibly fun. I'm lucky in the fact that I do have two teens (almost three) that can help watch younger siblings when the husband isn't home. Dinner can be ready to go in the crockpot, so everyone gets fed. My kids, thank goodness, are highly intelligent and have been able to help me grasp some of the math I've had to re-learn. It's amazing what these kids are learning these days!

     I have a new found respect for parents who work and go to school. It's a lot to juggle! This also shows my children the benefits of waiting to have children until you have an education and a career. As parents, we always want better for our kids and you never want them to struggle. I want them to have it easier than we did and they know it. I guess that's one of the benefits to having older kids that are here to see and learn. It won't be an old story, it'll be our story.