As I have shared many times on this blog, the risk of death for babies is higher at home than in the hospital. Most homebirth mothers never think it will happen to them. I never thought I would have my child die. Even as I sat outside that emergency area, I thought “This can’t be happening”. I had had 5 other children and all was fine. I was healthy, ate right, steered clear of anything harmful, etc. I did everything right so how could my baby die? After learning that the homebirth did play a part In her death, I started looking at information I refused to see before.
Lots of us lost our babies. Some of us learned from our mistakes and gave our next children the best possible start by using REAL medical professionals and getting REAL medical care. We learned that birth experiences were unimportant and that our children mattered more. We go through hell to have our rainbow babies.
Sadly, some mothers do not place their baby above their experience. I watched a conversation on Mothering in which a person posted this:
I think we hear a lot of "my birth", "my choices", "my body", etc. I get this. I also understand that having had a really positive hospital birth experience, I don't necessarily have the same insight or perspective as those who have felt taken advantage of by OBs, hospitals, or some aspect of the medical system. I don't have the personal experience to draw from, and can't imagine what it must feel like to lose control at such a crucial time. But I'm always left wondering, what about the baby? Isn't the outcome, not the experience, what's most important? The choices of the patient should be important, yes, but maybe not "above all". Ask any of the brave and wonderful moms on here who are sharing their stories of loss and/or damage - what a c-section can save, an episiotomy, EFM . . . .Safety of mom and of her child, the ability to survive birth without permanent damage, should be the "above all". This of course, puts us in some pretty murky territory, but I thought I'd share those thoughts anyway.
One of the mothers who delivered a stillborn baby boy after a HBA3C attempt replied
Even above the mom's physical autonomy? No. It shouldn't. And, I say that as someone who has lost a child, who might have been saved had I made different choices. He didn't deserve to die. But, I didn't deserve the damage that's been done to me, and that may have ultimately caused his death, either
So, her child died and she knows her choice killed her baby, but her desire for a homebirth was more important. However, the dr who gave her that first c-section is more at fault because the c-section damaged her.
Looking around online, you will find some mothers that don’t seem to care that their child has died. Yeah, it sucks looking in the mirror knowing your choice led to your child’s death. Why is that?? We loved our babies and really thought we were doing what was best for them. I wish I knew why these other mothers care more about themselves. As a mother, you don’t put your experience over your child’s health.
Check this out:
I had a midwife for my 4th child’s birth, and we did just fine.
I had a midwife for my 5th birth and the baby died (surprise footling breech, partly complicated by the midwife freaking and being inexperienced, and partly just because footling breech IS more dangerous than frank breech).
Did I feel guilty about my baby’s death? Yep. EVERY parent feels that even if it was not humanly possible for them to have changed the outcome in any way.
A few weeks after my baby died, a friend called me, and related that she had just met someone whose first child died due to the EXACT same situation that took my son from me. But she was in the hospital for her entire labor. Did my friend know how great a comfort it was to hear that? Probably not, but it was EXACTLY what I needed to know at that time.
Babies sometimes die. Sometimes in retrospect it could have been prevented, sometimes not. Birth is as safe as life gets, and planned attended homebirth with a qualified experienced attendant is no more dangerous than hospital birth for low risk women. No amount of made up scare tactics is going to change that.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I also had a surprise footling breech at home (with cord prolapse). We lost him as well.
I also know someone in a situation similar to mine who lost their baby in the hospital. Sometimes you just cannot predict what the outcome will be.
The doctor who delivered me and 3 of my siblings also lost a baby during birth. No one is completely insulated from death, even doctors
His birth and death have taught me a lot. First of all, not to judge other people's decisions on where to birth. I always thought that women who birthed in the hospital didn't trust their bodies, etc., etc., etc. Now I know that some people just don't want to take any risks. While I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am at peace with my son's passing, I think that every mom who considers having a UC should be aware of the possibility of things going drastically wrong and/or losing her baby. It is a risk that we all take, but for me it wasn't something I ever thought could really happen. My worst case scenario was that I would end up in the hospital with a c-section.
My intent is not to scare anyone out of having a UC, but to make everyone aware that the risks are REAL, and to say that if you couldn't face your decision to UC if your baby died, you should rethink it.
I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one. I believe that no matter where I gave birth, if my baby was meant to die, it would have happened one way or the other. And I am proud that I was able to give him a gentle birth into his parents bed, surrounded only by relatives, those who love him most, even in death. I see this experience as a gift that my son gave me; to realize how precious life really is and to know that every baby that is born alive and healthy is a true miracle. I have learned to be so much less judgemental of others and to see that everyone is in their perfect process wherever they are in life and wherever they choose to birth. It is not our place to judge, only to learn and be grateful. I learn more and find more gifts and blessings through my son's birth and death every day. I am truly grateful.
What kind of mother doesn’t question herself? What kind doesn’t care that her choice killed her baby? Look at Janet Fraser, her baby died during a 5 day labor. Yet her c-section birth traumatized her and left scars. Laura Shanley, watched her baby die without bothering to get any help. She knew her baby needed help. She succeeded in getting her birth and let her baby die. Even now, she does not talk about this baby! Rixa Freeze recently recorded her labor. Baby Inga was born then stopped breathing, went blue, and went floppy. Mom just gave her a few breaths and then the baby perked up. After the midwife assistant arrived, Rixa was more concerned with the assistant blocking the camera and affecting the juju than the fact that her baby needed to be looked over. Other moms decide that their baby would of died regardless and they want the birth they deserve. As if their baby doesn’t deserve to live. Nice!
Perhaps these “mothers” should just stop having kids once they get a dead one. If this baby didn’t matter, obviously no others will either. They are horrid excuses for mothers. Ironically enough, these are the same “I have to breastfeed till high school and RF till college” mothers. After all, Rear facing saves so many lives and she wants her baby to survive a car accident in case they are in that minute percentage who gets in an accident!
Part 2 comig soon