Loss, There IS a Hierarchy

When we have losses, whether it's a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal, infant, child, etc, it's said in support groups that loss is loss. I'm going to take an unpopular stance and say that no, loss isn't loss. I'm sure you're starting to grasp your pearls at reading that. Let me explain.

I will preface this by saying that I have miscarried, twice, in addition to having my daughter pass away. When I had my second miscarriage, I held that little tiny person in my hand and actually had a specimen cup in which to place the tissue in in order to bring it in to the doctor. The experience was terrible. I grieved for a long while over that loss. First one, it didn't really phase me (and that's ok). That baby, I had a whopping eleven weeks with it. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl, so I chose a unisex name. I was so adamant that I refused a D&C! I had to labor and birth my baby myself at home. So, on to my next points now that you know part of my back story.

When I lost Mary Beth, women told me they understood because they had miscarried. I drew on my experience and let me tell you, the experiences didn't compare. I carried my daughter for 36 1/2 weeks, labored, and gave birth to a living child who (supposedly) was healthy. My miscarriage was nothing like what I went through with her, not by a long shot. In groups, women with miscarriages were considered as being in the same camp as those of us who lost our (actual) babies. Let me tell you, you have not gone through what I have. I can commiserate with you, but you are not like me when it comes to losing my daughter.

Got your attention now, don't I? As much as I identify as a grieving mother, my loss with Mary doesn't compare to the people I've seen lose their children. It doesn't. My mother had a special needs child that passed away at 6.5 years old. She had so much time with my sister and add in the medical needs, I can only relate to my mom as fellow loss moms (which is a blessing and curse). Back in August, I wrapped my arms around the mother of one of my child's friends and told her she wasn't alone. Her son was 14 and died at his own hands. She had 14 YEARS and has to live with the decision her child made. Her grief and life aren't even fathomable to me. Last night, I held a mom who was watching her son die from cancer in hospice. He lost his battle today at 21 years of age. I knew her son as a lively, artistic, and eccentric young man. Her grief and what she has been going through, my loss is NOTHING compared to that.

This realization hit me last night. Loss groups are out there telling us there is no hierarchy in grief or loss, but there really is. Yes, some of us didn't know a gender or a personality or memories and that in itself does hurt. But, some people have their child for years only to have them ripped away. They have nothing but memories from years together. I have no problem telling my friends that they have it worse than I do, I can't even wrap my mind around what some of them have endured. I've buried my child and cannot imagine what it would be like to lose an older child. I hope I never have to find out.

I'm going to be honest and say that I feel like I got off easy. My daughter passed away a few hours after she was born. I didn't have the time with her to learn anything or create memories and that will always haunt me. I was shorted with missing out on memories these other women have to draw on. If I listed the moms I've known and/or encountered, who lost children after 2, 5, 6, 8, 14, and 21 years, perhaps you could see your loss from another perspective too. Right now, I admit, what these other moms have went through is so much worse than what I have.

We need to openly admit that there really is a hierarchy on grief within this loss community. Some, they really do have it worse than we do. As much as we all want to see ourselves as being on someone else's level, we're not and never will be. We have some similarities, but, they're still not enough to say we're the same or going through the same thing. Yes, futures are cut short so there are what-ifs, missed memories, and we all have to learn how to get through various milestones, but that really is as far as it goes. Perhaps instead of using the term hierarchy, I should say that our losses are vastly different though similar, though I still believe burying an hours old baby is almost preferable to watching your 21 year old child die from cancer.

Let me end with reiterating the fact that, no matter what happened, we all go to bed with various regrets and heartaches. On holidays, we're all going to see/feel that empty space where our child should be. On birthdays, we're going to feel that heartbreak. On death anniversaries, we're going to remember that day wondering if we could have done something different to change the outcome. We're still hurting and wanting our child here with us.

Dads Grieve Too

Oftentimes, when we lose our children, people are concerned for mom. They are worried about whether or not we've eaten, how are we sleeping, how we are emotionally, how are we feeling physically, etc. The concern lies with mom. That child we have just lost is only half ours, with the other half belonging to dad.

Let me say it- Dads matter too. They've also just lost their child.

During grief these men are overlooked. Nobody asks how they're feeling, if they even acknowledge his roll in that child's life. Us moms, if we have a loss during or immediately following pregnancy, are enduring all the postpartum body changes. Other than that, our partners are dealing with the same emotions.

Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding manhood says that our partners are suppose to be our rock and support us. The stigma says that men don't have feelings surrounding the loss of our babies. It doesn't acknowledge men grieving in any way. All that this does is create hurting men and further the stigma about how men are suppose to be. Look at the support out there, it is predominantly geared towards us mothers. There's virtually nothing for fathers. We even have a Bereaved Mother's Day. There is no Bereaved Fathers Day.

Having spoken with my partner, he's opened my eyes as to the disservice being done to fathers. He really felt as if he didn't matter. When Mary passed away, he had to be strong and support me. Nobody ever asked how he was feeling. He felt like he had to suppress everything he was feeling and I can say that it threw a wrench in how he handled his grief.

The reason I choose the above photo is to illustrate the emotion that so many fathers have to keep inside. This rocks them to their core. They're devastated. They have lost something precious to them that they love. They feel the same way that we do.

More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

The Blame Game

Being immersed in the world that I am, stories of loss either come to my attention or are brought to my attention. After I read these, I peruse comments. I am oftentimes brokenhearted for the parents that are sure to one day see these terrible things that are written about them. I've seen the horrible comments that people have made placing all the blame for my daughter on me. The things that have been said, I can assure you, are not things that I haven't dwelled upon or felt since that day.

As a human being that wears these shoes, I can assure you that your criticism has a negative impact upon me, even if I don't know you. I have blamed myself since the day she passed away. I wonder if I could have done this or that different. Looking back, I know I could have done something different. I wonder what kind of mother that I am even though those around me tell me that I'm a good mom. It seems that the moms that stay calm and speak in matter-of-fact tones are criticized for not falling apart or freaking out. Let me assure you that those times come, even if you don't feel it when it happens. This is shock, the body and brain go into protection mode. I remember feeling such disbelief that this was happening, I couldn't wrap my brain around it. It's normal for a person going through a trauma to just shut down. Losing your child is one of the worst traumas you can endure.

When a mother chooses to share her story with you, or anyone for that matter, she's sharing her vulnerable heart with you. As a human being, you should feel almost obligated to do what you can to not injure that heart further. Look at it as an open wound. If someone you knew had an open wound that was trying to heal, would you help bandage it to protect it and help it heal or would you injure it further and prevent healing?

Though some of us have chosen to speak out, it's vital to remember that some women can't whether it's due to the emotional/mental aspect or due to the social aspect. I cannot stress how difficult that it is to stand up and say that your child's death was preventable and that you accept responsibility for the choice you made. That was one of the hardest things that I had ever done. I live with this realization every day and I wouldn't wish it upon any other mother. For some, they cannot speak up because their "support network" would turn on them causing them to lose people they value. Though some prefer that mothers share to help prevent deaths, many cannot fathom what is at stake should they choose to go this route. Of course, if they decide to, they can find support with mothers like myself and the friends I have. This should never be expected of them though. We should accept their decision in how they choose to approach the topic.

The ways in which moms are treated directly correlates to the silence that occurs after a death. Sadly, this is the example that other mothers see as well, so nobody will want to say anything about their child's death. If the death was preventable, this means there will be less women wanting to share or make a difference. How can babies be saved when the mothers are blamed and shamed into silence? They can't and won't.

It's all about me part 1

As I have shared many times on this blog, the risk of death for babies is higher at home than in the hospital. Most homebirth mothers never think it will happen to them. I never thought I would have my child die. Even as I sat outside that emergency area, I thought “This can’t be happening”. I had had 5 other children and all was fine. I was healthy, ate right, steered clear of anything harmful, etc. I did everything right so how could my baby die? After learning that the homebirth did play a part In her death, I started looking at information I refused to see before.

Lots of us lost our babies. Some of us learned from our mistakes and gave our next children the best possible start by using REAL medical professionals and getting REAL medical care. We learned that birth experiences were unimportant and that our children mattered more. We go through hell to have our rainbow babies.

Sadly, some mothers do not place their baby above their experience. I watched a conversation on Mothering in which a person posted this:

I think we hear a lot of "my birth", "my choices", "my body", etc. I get this. I also understand that having had a really positive hospital birth experience, I don't necessarily have the same insight or perspective as those who have felt taken advantage of by OBs, hospitals, or some aspect of the medical system. I don't have the personal experience to draw from, and can't imagine what it must feel like to lose control at such a crucial time. But I'm always left wondering, what about the baby? Isn't the outcome, not the experience, what's most important? The choices of the patient should be important, yes, but maybe not "above all". Ask any of the brave and wonderful moms on here who are sharing their stories of loss and/or damage - what a c-section can save, an episiotomy, EFM . . . .Safety of mom and of her child, the ability to survive birth without permanent damage, should be the "above all". This of course, puts us in some pretty murky territory, but I thought I'd share those thoughts anyway.

One of the mothers who delivered a stillborn baby boy after a HBA3C attempt replied

Even above the mom's physical autonomy? No. It shouldn't. And, I say that as someone who has lost a child, who might have been saved had I made different choices. He didn't deserve to die. But, I didn't deserve the damage that's been done to me, and that may have ultimately caused his death, either

So, her child died and she knows her choice killed her baby, but her desire for a homebirth was more important. However, the dr who gave her that first c-section is more at fault because the c-section damaged her.

Looking around online, you will find some mothers that don’t seem to care that their child has died. Yeah, it sucks looking in the mirror knowing your choice led to your child’s death. Why is that?? We loved our babies and really thought we were doing what was best for them. I wish I knew why these other mothers care more about themselves. As a mother, you don’t put your experience over your child’s health.

Check this out:

Kat had this to say, Feb 18, 2011 @ 9:45 am Kat(Quote)

I had a midwife for my 4th child’s birth, and we did just fine.

I had a midwife for my 5th birth and the baby died (surprise footling breech, partly complicated by the midwife freaking and being inexperienced, and partly just because footling breech IS more dangerous than frank breech).

Did I feel guilty about my baby’s death? Yep. EVERY parent feels that even if it was not humanly possible for them to have changed the outcome in any way.

A few weeks after my baby died, a friend called me, and related that she had just met someone whose first child died due to the EXACT same situation that took my son from me. But she was in the hospital for her entire labor. Did my friend know how great a comfort it was to hear that? Probably not, but it was EXACTLY what I needed to know at that time.

Babies sometimes die. Sometimes in retrospect it could have been prevented, sometimes not. Birth is as safe as life gets, and planned attended homebirth with a qualified experienced attendant is no more dangerous than hospital birth for low risk women. No amount of made up scare tactics is going to change that.

And this

Kathryn Reply:

February 18th, 2011 at 11:29 am Kathryn(Quote)

I’m sorry for your loss.

I also had a surprise footling breech at home (with cord prolapse). We lost him as well.

I also know someone in a situation similar to mine who lost their baby in the hospital. Sometimes you just cannot predict what the outcome will be.

The doctor who delivered me and 3 of my siblings also lost a baby during birth. No one is completely insulated from death, even doctors

And

His birth and death have taught me a lot. First of all, not to judge other people's decisions on where to birth. I always thought that women who birthed in the hospital didn't trust their bodies, etc., etc., etc. Now I know that some people just don't want to take any risks. While I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am at peace with my son's passing, I think that every mom who considers having a UC should be aware of the possibility of things going drastically wrong and/or losing her baby. It is a risk that we all take, but for me it wasn't something I ever thought could really happen. My worst case scenario was that I would end up in the hospital with a c-section.


My intent is not to scare anyone out of having a UC, but to make everyone aware that the risks are REAL, and to say that if you couldn't face your decision to UC if your baby died, you should rethink it.


I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one. I believe that no matter where I gave birth, if my baby was meant to die, it would have happened one way or the other. And I am proud that I was able to give him a gentle birth into his parents bed, surrounded only by relatives, those who love him most, even in death. I see this experience as a gift that my son gave me; to realize how precious life really is and to know that every baby that is born alive and healthy is a true miracle. I have learned to be so much less judgemental of others and to see that everyone is in their perfect process wherever they are in life and wherever they choose to birth. It is not our place to judge, only to learn and be grateful. I learn more and find more gifts and blessings through my son's birth and death every day. I am truly grateful.

What kind of mother doesn’t question herself? What kind doesn’t care that her choice killed her baby? Look at Janet Fraser, her baby died during a 5 day labor. Yet her c-section birth traumatized her and left scars. Laura Shanley, watched her baby die without bothering to get any help. She knew her baby needed help. She succeeded in getting her birth and let her baby die. Even now, she does not talk about this baby! Rixa Freeze recently recorded her labor. Baby Inga was born then stopped breathing, went blue, and went floppy. Mom just gave her a few breaths and then the baby perked up. After the midwife assistant arrived, Rixa was more concerned with the assistant blocking the camera and affecting the juju than the fact that her baby needed to be looked over. Other moms decide that their baby would of died regardless and they want the birth they deserve. As if their baby doesn’t deserve to live. Nice!

Perhaps these “mothers” should just stop having kids once they get a dead one. If this baby didn’t matter, obviously no others will either. They are horrid excuses for mothers. Ironically enough, these are the same “I have to breastfeed till high school and RF till college” mothers. After all, Rear facing saves so many lives and she wants her baby to survive a car accident in case they are in that minute percentage who gets in an accident!

Part 2 comig soon

It's all about me part 1

As I have shared many times on this blog, the risk of death for babies is higher at home than in the hospital. Most homebirth mothers never think it will happen to them. I never thought I would have my child die. Even as I sat outside that emergency area, I thought “This can’t be happening”. I had had 5 other children and all was fine. I was healthy, ate right, steered clear of anything harmful, etc. I did everything right so how could my baby die? After learning that the homebirth did play a part In her death, I started looking at information I refused to see before.

Lots of us lost our babies. Some of us learned from our mistakes and gave our next children the best possible start by using REAL medical professionals and getting REAL medical care. We learned that birth experiences were unimportant and that our children mattered more. We go through hell to have our rainbow babies.

Sadly, some mothers do not place their baby above their experience. I watched a conversation on Mothering in which a person posted this:

I think we hear a lot of "my birth", "my choices", "my body", etc. I get this. I also understand that having had a really positive hospital birth experience, I don't necessarily have the same insight or perspective as those who have felt taken advantage of by OBs, hospitals, or some aspect of the medical system. I don't have the personal experience to draw from, and can't imagine what it must feel like to lose control at such a crucial time. But I'm always left wondering, what about the baby? Isn't the outcome, not the experience, what's most important? The choices of the patient should be important, yes, but maybe not "above all". Ask any of the brave and wonderful moms on here who are sharing their stories of loss and/or damage - what a c-section can save, an episiotomy, EFM . . . .Safety of mom and of her child, the ability to survive birth without permanent damage, should be the "above all". This of course, puts us in some pretty murky territory, but I thought I'd share those thoughts anyway.

One of the mothers who delivered a stillborn baby boy after a HBA3C attempt replied

Even above the mom's physical autonomy? No. It shouldn't. And, I say that as someone who has lost a child, who might have been saved had I made different choices. He didn't deserve to die. But, I didn't deserve the damage that's been done to me, and that may have ultimately caused his death, either

So, her child died and she knows her choice killed her baby, but her desire for a homebirth was more important. However, the dr who gave her that first c-section is more at fault because the c-section damaged her.

Looking around online, you will find some mothers that don’t seem to care that their child has died. Yeah, it sucks looking in the mirror knowing your choice led to your child’s death. Why is that?? We loved our babies and really thought we were doing what was best for them. I wish I knew why these other mothers care more about themselves. As a mother, you don’t put your experience over your child’s health.

Check this out:

Kat had this to say, Feb 18, 2011 @ 9:45 am Kat(Quote)

I had a midwife for my 4th child’s birth, and we did just fine.

I had a midwife for my 5th birth and the baby died (surprise footling breech, partly complicated by the midwife freaking and being inexperienced, and partly just because footling breech IS more dangerous than frank breech).

Did I feel guilty about my baby’s death? Yep. EVERY parent feels that even if it was not humanly possible for them to have changed the outcome in any way.

A few weeks after my baby died, a friend called me, and related that she had just met someone whose first child died due to the EXACT same situation that took my son from me. But she was in the hospital for her entire labor. Did my friend know how great a comfort it was to hear that? Probably not, but it was EXACTLY what I needed to know at that time.

Babies sometimes die. Sometimes in retrospect it could have been prevented, sometimes not. Birth is as safe as life gets, and planned attended homebirth with a qualified experienced attendant is no more dangerous than hospital birth for low risk women. No amount of made up scare tactics is going to change that.

And this

Kathryn Reply:
February 18th, 2011 at 11:29 am Kathryn(Quote)

I’m sorry for your loss.

I also had a surprise footling breech at home (with cord prolapse). We lost him as well.

I also know someone in a situation similar to mine who lost their baby in the hospital. Sometimes you just cannot predict what the outcome will be.

The doctor who delivered me and 3 of my siblings also lost a baby during birth. No one is completely insulated from death, even doctors

And

His birth and death have taught me a lot. First of all, not to judge other people's decisions on where to birth. I always thought that women who birthed in the hospital didn't trust their bodies, etc., etc., etc. Now I know that some people just don't want to take any risks. While I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am at peace with my son's passing, I think that every mom who considers having a UC should be aware of the possibility of things going drastically wrong and/or losing her baby. It is a risk that we all take, but for me it wasn't something I ever thought could really happen. My worst case scenario was that I would end up in the hospital with a c-section.

My intent is not to scare anyone out of having a UC, but to make everyone aware that the risks are REAL, and to say that if you couldn't face your decision to UC if your baby died, you should rethink it.

I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one. I believe that no matter where I gave birth, if my baby was meant to die, it would have happened one way or the other. And I am proud that I was able to give him a gentle birth into his parents bed, surrounded only by relatives, those who love him most, even in death. I see this experience as a gift that my son gave me; to realize how precious life really is and to know that every baby that is born alive and healthy is a true miracle. I have learned to be so much less judgemental of others and to see that everyone is in their perfect process wherever they are in life and wherever they choose to birth. It is not our place to judge, only to learn and be grateful. I learn more and find more gifts and blessings through my son's birth and death every day. I am truly grateful.

What kind of mother doesn’t question herself? What kind doesn’t care that her choice killed her baby? Look at Janet Fraser, her baby died during a 5 day labor. Yet her c-section birth traumatized her and left scars. Laura Shanley, watched her baby die without bothering to get any help. She knew her baby needed help. She succeeded in getting her birth and let her baby die. Even now, she does not talk about this baby! Rixa Freeze recently recorded her labor. Baby Inga was born then stopped breathing, went blue, and went floppy. Mom just gave her a few breaths and then the baby perked up. After the midwife assistant arrived, Rixa was more concerned with the assistant blocking the camera and affecting the juju than the fact that her baby needed to be looked over. Other moms decide that their baby would of died regardless and they want the birth they deserve. As if their baby doesn’t deserve to live. Nice!

Perhaps these “mothers” should just stop having kids once they get a dead one. If this baby didn’t matter, obviously no others will either. They are horrid excuses for mothers. Ironically enough, these are the same “I have to breastfeed till high school and RF till college” mothers. After all, Rear facing saves so many lives and she wants her baby to survive a car accident in case they are in that minute percentage who gets in an accident!

Part 2 comig soon

Incompetence in Midwifery

Recently, NC CPM Emily "Amy" Medwin was arrested for practicing medicine without a license. This is NOT her first run in with NC authorities. NC Friends of Midwives are rallying behind this midwife in droves. According to them, she is a wonderful midwife.

In the state of NC, it is illegal to practice midwifery unless you are a Certified Nurse Midwife or a CNM. The state of North Carolina is NOT limiting your choices. They are giving you safe options. CPM's have a perinatal mortality rate that is 3X higher than in the hospital. I will go so far as to say that CPM's are a threat to public safety, NOT an asset. When a product causes a few deaths, recalls are performed and products are taken off of shelves. So, why are non-CNM's still practicing??

Having shared my story, many people have said that they cannot believe my midwife is still practicing. Faith Beltz, who caused the death of Aquila, is still practicing. A North Carolina mother lost her baby due to Amy Medwin amnd another has a baby clinging to life. Why don't these friend of midwife organizations stand up and say "We want mothers and babies safe"? If you are supporting a midwife that has caused an infant loss, you are showing people that the health of women and their babies is unimportant, the importance lies in just having midwives. Incompetence should be discouraged. What if it is your baby next?? Don't think it can't happen to you, because it can. Not a single homebirth mother is invincible. This midwife you support could end up being the very person who destroys your world by taking your child's life. Why can't homebirth supporters tell incompetent midwives that they will not support them??

I know people are clamoring about choice. One incompetent midwife does not take away your choice. If anything, you have been given safER choices. If homebirth means more to you than your child's life, hey, find another subpar CPM- they're all over the place. If you want SAFE choices, go to a DR or a CNM. I have to say, CNM's do have better rates than even doctors. However, I think it also shows that CNM's do take on only real low risk mothers. If CPM's were so educated and knew all about "normal birth", their numbers would reflect those of CNM's. CPM numbers don't even reflect those of DR's! Forget choice. Let's think about SAFETY! There is nothing stopping CPM's from becoming CNM's. Oh wait, they don't want to go to school, don't want to learn about the entire body, don't want to spend the money, AND women don't find educated care providers desirable!

Would you support a person performing back alley abortions?? They know all about the reproductive system and how abortions are performed. You might lose a few mothers. Interestingly enough, childbirth is riskier than abortion!

Incompetence in Midwifery

Recently, NC CPM Emily "Amy" Medwin was arrested for practicing medicine without a license. This is NOT her first run in with NC authorities. NC Friends of Midwives are rallying behind this midwife in droves. According to them, she is a wonderful midwife.

In the state of NC, it is illegal to practice midwifery unless you are a Certified Nurse Midwife or a CNM. The state of North Carolina is NOT limiting your choices. They are giving you safe options. CPM's have a perinatal mortality rate that is 3X higher than in the hospital. I will go so far as to say that CPM's are a threat to public safety, NOT an asset. When a product causes a few deaths, recalls are performed and products are taken off of shelves. So, why are non-CNM's still practicing??

Having shared my story, many people have said that they cannot believe my midwife is still practicing. Faith Beltz, who caused the death of Aquila, is still practicing. A North Carolina mother lost her baby due to Amy Medwin amnd another has a baby clinging to life. Why don't these friend of midwife organizations stand up and say "We want mothers and babies safe"? If you are supporting a midwife that has caused an infant loss, you are showing people that the health of women and their babies is unimportant, the importance lies in just having midwives. Incompetence should be discouraged. What if it is your baby next?? Don't think it can't happen to you, because it can. Not a single homebirth mother is invincible. This midwife you support could end up being the very person who destroys your world by taking your child's life. Why can't homebirth supporters tell incompetent midwives that they will not support them??

I know people are clamoring about choice. One incompetent midwife does not take away your choice. If anything, you have been given safER choices. If homebirth means more to you than your child's life, hey, find another subpar CPM- they're all over the place. If you want SAFE choices, go to a DR or a CNM. I have to say, CNM's do have better rates than even doctors. However, I think it also shows that CNM's do take on only real low risk mothers. If CPM's were so educated and knew all about "normal birth", their numbers would reflect those of CNM's. CPM numbers don't even reflect those of DR's! Forget choice. Let's think about SAFETY! There is nothing stopping CPM's from becoming CNM's. Oh wait, they don't want to go to school, don't want to learn about the entire body, don't want to spend the money, AND women don't find educated care providers desirable!

Would you support a person performing back alley abortions?? They know all about the reproductive system and how abortions are performed. You might lose a few mothers. Interestingly enough, childbirth is riskier than abortion!

Homebirth reform- in the words of a loss mom

Death challenged many "facts" i thought i knew, and rocked me to my core. In the rubble left i have been carefully and painstakingly reconstructing something of worth from the pieces. i want, i need my daughter's name to matter. i need the world to change in some way because of her.

http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2011/02/reform-homebirth-needs.html

I encourage all childbearing women to read this. I hope all homebirthers take this to heart.


Liz P, you are such a strong woman and I am honored to be your friend. I love you!!

Homebirth reform- in the words of a loss mom

Death challenged many "facts" i thought i knew, and rocked me to my core. In the rubble left i have been carefully and painstakingly reconstructing something of worth from the pieces. i want, i need my daughter's name to matter. i need the world to change in some way because of her.

http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2011/02/reform-homebirth-needs.html

I encourage all childbearing women to read this. I hope all homebirthers take this to heart.


Liz P, you are such a strong woman and I am honored to be your friend. I love you!!

BabyCenter Group

I have created a group on babycenter just for moms who either were planning a homebirth or had a homebirth and lost their baby. I know I am not the only one!

BabyCenter Group

I have created a group on babycenter just for moms who either were planning a homebirth or had a homebirth and lost their baby. I know I am not the only one!

Survey Statstics

I will update these as I can. If you haven't filled out the loss survey, please do so. Thank you to all of you who have filled this out and allowed us to know the real statistics!

I'm not going to look at biased sites at all. I will NOT go fishing on various sites either. Mothers are free to come here and share if they choose to. I'm tired of the homebirth vs hospital crap. Yes, some midwives are horrific, and my daughter's loss of life is proof. Yes, some dr's suck as well. I want there to be a place to get real statistics that will not be silenced because it doesn't jive with agendas. I have no agenda but truth. This will be updated as the survey is filled out!

Out of 28 respondents
Prenatal Care:::
10 Had a DR for prenatal care
5 Had dual care with a DR and CNM
4 Had a CNM for prenatal care
2 Had Care from a CPM
1 Had care from a DR and Peri
2 Had care from a LM
1 Had no Prenatal Care
1 Had care from a DR, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from DR, DEM, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from a DEM

Home, Hospital, Birth Center:::
22 Moms had Hospital Deliveries
5 Mom had a homebirth
1 Birth Center

Hosital Deliveries:::
13 Vaginal
9 Cesareans

Cesarean reasons:::
1 C-section reulting from long labor after being induced, having EFM, scalp electrode on baby, iv meds, epidural, used forceps (said baby passed from MA, infection, and neg dr)
2 Planned c-section
1 Emergency due to car accident, started having problems, and heartrate dropped
1 Breech, Excess Fluid, and Pre-Eclampsia
1 Heartrate dropped
1 Baby stopped moving
2 Homebirth Transfer

Pregnancy Problems:::
7 No problems at all
4 Genetic Abnormalities
1 Incompetant cervix
6 Unlisted Issue
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in the second trimester, and excess amniotic fluid
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in both first AND second trimesters, excess amniotic fluid, unlisted issue
1 Placenta Accreta
1 Gestational Diabetes, Excess Fuild, Pre-eclampsia
1 Incompetant Cervix, Advanced Maternal Age, Unlisted Issue
1 Unexplained Bleeding in first trimester, unlisted issue
1 Hypertension, Intrauterine Growth Retardation
1 Hypertension, Unexplained bleeding in the first trimester, Preeclampsia, Unlisted Issue
1 Hypertension, Preeclampsia
1 Unexplained bleeding in both the first and second trimester
1 Incompetant Cervix and Unlisted Issue
1 Advanced Maternal Age

Stillbirth vs Neonatal:::
15 Neonatal
12 Stillbirth

Stillbirth:::
2 Cord Accident
3 Unexplained
1 Heart stopped for no reason (that could be seen) less than 24 hours before the birth. No Autopsy
1 Unexplained, slight velementous cord insertion, low-ish amniotic fluid, slightly enlarged placenta, slightly enlarged cord
1 Placental abruption
1 Incompetant Cervix, GBS+, Placental Infection
1 Genetic Issues
1 PIH, Placental Insufficiency
1 Meternal Clotting Disorder
1, Uterine Rupture, Negligent Midwife, Thought mother's HR was baby's

Neonatal:::
1 Premature
1 Meconium Aspiration, Infection, Negligent DR
2 Negligent Midwife
2 Genetic Abnormailities
3 Extreme Prematurity
1 Brain Damage resulting from impact of car accident
1 Bilateral Renal Agenesis
1 Negligent DR, Infection, Hep B Vaccine Reaction
1 Unknown
1 Extreme Prematurity, Infection, Brain Damage from Birth, NICU Acquired Illness, Severe Critical Illness
1 Extreme Prematurity, Negligent DR, NICU Acquired Illness

How mother's researched:::
23 Read Books
20 Read Articles
20 Talked to a DR
20 Online Message Boards
18 Spoke to Friends
14 Spoke to family members
14 Read Medical Studies
12 Read Blogs
9 Spoke to a CNM
6 Medical Training
4 Spoke to a CPM
4 Spoke to a LM
3 Took Birth Classes
2 Had been through it before
2 Spoke to DEM

In the women who had no issues during the prgnancy:
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CPM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a LM
1 Stillbirth at 39+ weeks using a DR
1 Neonatal Death at 40+ weeks using a DR
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DR and CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DEM

So far I am seeing that 7 out of 29 pregnancies had no risk factors and the babies were perfect. Since 5 out of 6 stillbirths in these low risk cases were 40+ weeks, I think it is safe to assume that stillbirth definately increases once a woman hits 40 weeks.

Survey Statstics

I will update these as I can. If you haven't filled out the loss survey, please do so. Thank you to all of you who have filled this out and allowed us to know the real statistics!

I'm not going to look at biased sites at all. I will NOT go fishing on various sites either. Mothers are free to come here and share if they choose to. I'm tired of the homebirth vs hospital crap. Yes, some midwives are horrific, and my daughter's loss of life is proof. Yes, some dr's suck as well. I want there to be a place to get real statistics that will not be silenced because it doesn't jive with agendas. I have no agenda but truth. This will be updated as the survey is filled out!

Out of 28 respondents
Prenatal Care:::
10 Had a DR for prenatal care
5 Had dual care with a DR and CNM
4 Had a CNM for prenatal care
2 Had Care from a CPM
1 Had care from a DR and Peri
2 Had care from a LM
1 Had no Prenatal Care
1 Had care from a DR, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from DR, DEM, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from a DEM

Home, Hospital, Birth Center:::
22 Moms had Hospital Deliveries
5 Mom had a homebirth
1 Birth Center

Hosital Deliveries:::
13 Vaginal
9 Cesareans

Cesarean reasons:::
1 C-section reulting from long labor after being induced, having EFM, scalp electrode on baby, iv meds, epidural, used forceps (said baby passed from MA, infection, and neg dr)
2 Planned c-section
1 Emergency due to car accident, started having problems, and heartrate dropped
1 Breech, Excess Fluid, and Pre-Eclampsia
1 Heartrate dropped
1 Baby stopped moving
2 Homebirth Transfer

Pregnancy Problems:::
7 No problems at all
4 Genetic Abnormalities
1 Incompetant cervix
6 Unlisted Issue
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in the second trimester, and excess amniotic fluid
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in both first AND second trimesters, excess amniotic fluid, unlisted issue
1 Placenta Accreta
1 Gestational Diabetes, Excess Fuild, Pre-eclampsia
1 Incompetant Cervix, Advanced Maternal Age, Unlisted Issue
1 Unexplained Bleeding in first trimester, unlisted issue
1 Hypertension, Intrauterine Growth Retardation
1 Hypertension, Unexplained bleeding in the first trimester, Preeclampsia, Unlisted Issue
1 Hypertension, Preeclampsia
1 Unexplained bleeding in both the first and second trimester
1 Incompetant Cervix and Unlisted Issue
1 Advanced Maternal Age

Stillbirth vs Neonatal:::
15 Neonatal
12 Stillbirth

Stillbirth:::
2 Cord Accident
3 Unexplained
1 Heart stopped for no reason (that could be seen) less than 24 hours before the birth. No Autopsy
1 Unexplained, slight velementous cord insertion, low-ish amniotic fluid, slightly enlarged placenta, slightly enlarged cord
1 Placental abruption
1 Incompetant Cervix, GBS+, Placental Infection
1 Genetic Issues
1 PIH, Placental Insufficiency
1 Meternal Clotting Disorder
1, Uterine Rupture, Negligent Midwife, Thought mother's HR was baby's

Neonatal:::
1 Premature
1 Meconium Aspiration, Infection, Negligent DR
2 Negligent Midwife
2 Genetic Abnormailities
3 Extreme Prematurity
1 Brain Damage resulting from impact of car accident
1 Bilateral Renal Agenesis
1 Negligent DR, Infection, Hep B Vaccine Reaction
1 Unknown
1 Extreme Prematurity, Infection, Brain Damage from Birth, NICU Acquired Illness, Severe Critical Illness
1 Extreme Prematurity, Negligent DR, NICU Acquired Illness

How mother's researched:::
23 Read Books
20 Read Articles
20 Talked to a DR
20 Online Message Boards
18 Spoke to Friends
14 Spoke to family members
14 Read Medical Studies
12 Read Blogs
9 Spoke to a CNM
6 Medical Training
4 Spoke to a CPM
4 Spoke to a LM
3 Took Birth Classes
2 Had been through it before
2 Spoke to DEM

In the women who had no issues during the prgnancy:
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CPM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a LM
1 Stillbirth at 39+ weeks using a DR
1 Neonatal Death at 40+ weeks using a DR
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DR and CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DEM

So far I am seeing that 7 out of 29 pregnancies had no risk factors and the babies were perfect. Since 5 out of 6 stillbirths in these low risk cases were 40+ weeks, I think it is safe to assume that stillbirth definately increases once a woman hits 40 weeks.

Just an idea

Since I want so badly to be able to donate these impression kits to the hospital, I have to find a way to purchase them. My idea is to create a website offering announcement cards. Since they are hard to find, I would like to do loss ones. I know that one of the hard things for me was that there weren't any little things to do that you normally would. Would it be too morbid to maybe do up It's a Boy or It's a Girl congratulation cards?? I would have to add something to make them sweet. I've thought of buying myself something that says It's a Girl.

Yesterday Mary sent me a sign! It was a tiny white feather that literally just fell from the sky. What makes it even neater is that yesterday was the three month mark. It was on my mind all day.

Just an idea

Since I want so badly to be able to donate these impression kits to the hospital, I have to find a way to purchase them. My idea is to create a website offering announcement cards. Since they are hard to find, I would like to do loss ones. I know that one of the hard things for me was that there weren't any little things to do that you normally would. Would it be too morbid to maybe do up It's a Boy or It's a Girl congratulation cards?? I would have to add something to make them sweet. I've thought of buying myself something that says It's a Girl.

Yesterday Mary sent me a sign! It was a tiny white feather that literally just fell from the sky. What makes it even neater is that yesterday was the three month mark. It was on my mind all day.

It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.