Showing posts with label Victim blaming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Victim blaming. Show all posts

Monday, July 3, 2017

The Blame Game

Being immersed in the world that I am, stories of loss either come to my attention or are brought to my attention. After I read these, I peruse comments. I am oftentimes brokenhearted for the parents that are sure to one day see these terrible things that are written about them. I've seen the horrible comments that people have made placing all the blame for my daughter on me. The things that have been said, I can assure you, are not things that I haven't dwelled upon or felt since that day.

As a human being that wears these shoes, I can assure you that your criticism has a negative impact upon me, even if I don't know you. I have blamed myself since the day she passed away. I wonder if I could have done this or that different. Looking back, I know I could have done something different. I wonder what kind of mother that I am even though those around me tell me that I'm a good mom. It seems that the moms that stay calm and speak in matter-of-fact tones are criticized for not falling apart or freaking out. Let me assure you that those times come, even if you don't feel it when it happens. This is shock, the body and brain go into protection mode. I remember feeling such disbelief that this was happening, I couldn't wrap my brain around it. It's normal for a person going through a trauma to just shut down. Losing your child is one of the worst traumas you can endure.

When a mother chooses to share her story with you, or anyone for that matter, she's sharing her vulnerable heart with you. As a human being, you should feel almost obligated to do what you can to not injure that heart further. Look at it as an open wound. If someone you knew had an open wound that was trying to heal, would you help bandage it to protect it and help it heal or would you injure it further and prevent healing?

Though some of us have chosen to speak out, it's vital to remember that some women can't whether it's due to the emotional/mental aspect or due to the social aspect. I cannot stress how difficult that it is to stand up and say that your child's death was preventable and that you accept responsibility for the choice you made. That was one of the hardest things that I had ever done. I live with this realization every day and I wouldn't wish it upon any other mother. For some, they cannot speak up because their "support network" would turn on them causing them to lose people they value. Though some prefer that mothers share to help prevent deaths, many cannot fathom what is at stake should they choose to go this route. Of course, if they decide to, they can find support with mothers like myself and the friends I have. This should never be expected of them though. We should accept their decision in how they choose to approach the topic.

The ways in which moms are treated directly correlates to the silence that occurs after a death. Sadly, this is the example that other mothers see as well, so nobody will want to say anything about their child's death. If the death was preventable, this means there will be less women wanting to share or make a difference. How can babies be saved when the mothers are blamed and shamed into silence? They can't and won't.

Monday, March 24, 2014

"They're so negative, OMG!"

I have two and a half months, or 73 days, before my daughter's birthday. 4 weeks after her birth/death is when everything came crashing down around me. Everyone and everything I trusted, GONE. Why??? This photo here. Image


This led me on the path that I am on. This was the first indicator that my daughter died a very preventable death. This is why Brenda freaked out and tried every manipulation tactic in her arsenal. This is why I have spent all this time being attacked, harassed, stalked, and threatened by people within the community. All because I have chosen to not let my baby die in vain. Many women like me, they're bullied into silence. They're not allowed to speak up or else. Do people really not get what this is like for any of us??

I got to see an email sent out about Dr Amy and those of us who align ourselves with her. Ananda Lowe chose to make this comment- My feeling, and I have heard others speculate, is that she and her followers are acting out their pain over their own difficult births or difficult breastfeeding experiences and lack of support for mothers in our society, or other difficult experiences in their lives that somehow come out in their anger toward the natural childbirth community- which I find completely patronizing and dismissive. This speaks of us as whiny children. Throughout my experience, how many have taken a step back and said "Why do these women feel the way they do?". How many truly listen? How many are willing to step out of their echo chamber long enough to truly comprehend anything being said? How many are intelligent enough to grasp what is being said?? Can they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to see that they are inflicting harm upon many women?

Allow me to make a comparison here- Let's use RAPE.

1. Rape is about inflicting harm upon another.  *How is this different than inflicting harm on those of us who try to do what is right and speak up??*

2. Rapists use not only physical force, but coercion and manipulation and abuse of authority  **Manipulation, the #1 thing done by midwives to mothers. Throw in the mental abuse by homebirth supporters**

3. When a victim steps forward, she is victimized all over again ** I'm just angry, didn't do my research, I'm bitter, wasn't educated enough, had a difficult experience (as if), etc**

4. Rape goes un-reported 75-95% of the time due to fears, mainly reprisal or emotional trauma  **Speak up and you pay dearly. Now sit down, be a good little mommy, and forget about your baby**

5. 97/100 rapists walk free like nothing ever happened   *** Most midwives with deaths under their belt don't have to pay for their crimes, it's like nothing happened**

6. Victims battle things like depression, substance abuse, suicide, PTSD, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, etc  **Shocking. I've dealt with them all. Yes, due to this ordeal, I have had to get help to keep from taking my own life, however, the worst of it was the stalking and harassment and threats.

Congrats, Ananda Lowe, you are no better than a rape supporter! Women have been victimized and you are only encouraging the revictimization of us. So many homebirth proponents tout themselves as being so incredibly feminist, but you would never see them blaming a rape victim. Now a victim of the homebirth movement, apparently, we're a free for all.

"Blaming the victim releases the man who commits violence from the responsibility for what he has done. Friends or family may blame the victim in order to feel safe themselves: "She got raped because she walked alone after midnight. I'd never do that, so rape won't happen to me."

So, yeah, Please don't listen to me, I'm just a victim and apparently deserve to be shamed for daring to speak up. I guess I should of moved on like nothing happened like a good little girl. Had I kept quiet, I wouldn't of endured the abuse I have. But, apparently I deserve to be mistreated and ignored.

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