More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Don't Beat Yourselves Up!

          Yesterday we had another birthday in our home. My third child turned 13! I have three teenagers in my house. Holy cow! This led me to thinking about the early days of parenting versus the teen years. Does it really matter how they came into the world? Did sleeping arrangements or feeding methods affect anything?? Was it worth the stress now that they're older? Let's play a fun game called Match The Kid!

       A.   This child was the 21.5 hour labor where I received an epidural 4 hours before birth. We also had pitocin. Said child slept with us, was breastfed for 16 months, but also had formula.

       B.   Next child was a 12 hour completely natural labor and birth. Child was breastfed for three months and then put on formula. Baby slept with us most of the time.

        C.  Last child was a 6 hour completely natural labor and birth. This one was breastfed for 18 months, but given formula on occasion. Baby also slept with us.

          Now that you know those little tidbits, I'll tell you about each child.

        1.  This child is very sweet, loves their siblings, gets straight A's, listens 99% of the time. Has only ever had one health problem. Child is very respectful and helpful.

        2.  Next child can be moody, but is generally an angel. Get's B's. Is helpful towards older adults and seniors. No health issues, healthy as can be. Respectful when not moody.

         3. Next child can also be moody, but an angel as well 99% of the time. Gets straight A's. No health problems. Very helpful and respectful, also when not moody.


So, going with what mothers are told and fed about birth and trivial parenting decisions, I'm here to say it doesn't matter. Our kids will become who they become due to not only their personalities, but in how we actually raise them. What are you TEACHING them? How do you TREAT them?? That is where it all lies. If your child feels loved, accepted, and supported you're going to have an awesome kid! If you put your child down, don't show love, or treat them horribly you are going to be in for a huge rude awakening.

All of our kids are going to go through stages where they test the waters and, I believe, this also plays a part in who they turn into. Your reaction and behavior will determine the severity of these tests. We don't have to be doormats, but we also can't be doorstops. Sometimes we have to seriously lay down the law regardless, but many of the things kids do aren't really worth getting into it with them over. Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? In child-rearing, this is vital.

Next time you berate yourself for not doing what the sanctimommies tell you that you should do, walk into a high school and try to pick out the children who were birthed or fed certain ways. I promise, you won't be able to tell!

"They're so negative, OMG!"

I have two and a half months, or 73 days, before my daughter's birthday. 4 weeks after her birth/death is when everything came crashing down around me. Everyone and everything I trusted, GONE. Why??? This photo here. 

 

This led me on the path that I am on. This was the first indicator that my daughter died a very preventable death. This is why Brenda freaked out and tried every manipulation tactic in her arsenal. This is why I have spent all this time being attacked, harassed, stalked, and threatened by people within the community. All because I have chosen to not let my baby die in vain. Many women like me, they're bullied into silence. They're not allowed to speak up or else. Do people really not get what this is like for any of us??

I got to see an email sent out about Dr Amy and those of us who align ourselves with her. Ananda Lowe chose to make this comment- My feeling, and I have heard others speculate, is that she and her followers are acting out their pain over their own difficult births or difficult breastfeeding experiences and lack of support for mothers in our society, or other difficult experiences in their lives that somehow come out in their anger toward the natural childbirth community- which I find completely patronizing and dismissive. This speaks of us as whiny children. Throughout my experience, how many have taken a step back and said "Why do these women feel the way they do?". How many truly listen? How many are willing to step out of their echo chamber long enough to truly comprehend anything being said? How many are intelligent enough to grasp what is being said?? Can they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to see that they are inflicting harm upon many women?

Allow me to make a comparison here- Let's use RAPE.

1. Rape is about inflicting harm upon another.  *How is this different than inflicting harm on those of us who try to do what is right and speak up??*

2. Rapists use not only physical force, but coercion and manipulation and abuse of authority  **Manipulation, the #1 thing done by midwives to mothers. Throw in the mental abuse by homebirth supporters**

3. When a victim steps forward, she is victimized all over again ** I'm just angry, didn't do my research, I'm bitter, wasn't educated enough, had a difficult experience (as if), etc**

4. Rape goes un-reported 75-95% of the time due to fears, mainly reprisal or emotional trauma  **Speak up and you pay dearly. Now sit down, be a good little mommy, and forget about your baby**

5. 97/100 rapists walk free like nothing ever happened   *** Most midwives with deaths under their belt don't have to pay for their crimes, it's like nothing happened**

6. Victims battle things like depression, substance abuse, suicide, PTSD, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, etc  **Shocking. I've dealt with them all. Yes, due to this ordeal, I have had to get help to keep from taking my own life, however, the worst of it was the stalking and harassment and threats.

Congrats, Ananda Lowe, you are no better than a rape supporter! Women have been victimized and you are only encouraging the revictimization of us. So many homebirth proponents tout themselves as being so incredibly feminist, but you would never see them blaming a rape victim. Now a victim of the homebirth movement, apparently, we're a free for all.

"Blaming the victim releases the man who commits violence from the responsibility for what he has done. Friends or family may blame the victim in order to feel safe themselves: "She got raped because she walked alone after midnight. I'd never do that, so rape won't happen to me."

So, yeah, Please don't listen to me, I'm just a victim and apparently deserve to be shamed for daring to speak up. I guess I should of moved on like nothing happened like a good little girl. Had I kept quiet, I wouldn't of endured the abuse I have. But, apparently I deserve to be mistreated and ignored.

Mind your own birth

Since I began blogging and immersing myself in the birthing world, I get to come across lots of interesting blogs and people. On one facebook group, members can talk about how uneducated and uninformed their friends are when it comes to giving birth. It also hurts these women so very much when their friends don't have the births they feel their friends should. The only places I see this is on natural birth groups.

Another friend told me of a family member's horrible, mismanaged, traumatic (for mom, dad and baby), intervention-happy birth. I almost told her to stop...it broke my heart. Keep preaching the education and information mamas. Our friends and families need to be educated to be make informed choices for themselves! Start with a competent, knowledgeable, respectful care provider!!!

This is strictly opinion. However it proves that anyone who does not fall for the natural agenda MUST be uneducated and uninformed! How heartbreaking that someone had a birth with interventions!

Sad thing is most women think its normal. Its part of satans plan to destroy the family. To make women fear birth.

Yeah, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! So, if you have a birth with interventions it's because you fear birth and satan will destroy your family for it? Um, so, since over half of my births were natural, am I spared??

I am worried about my friend! She had wanted a natural birth, I sent her all my books (Ina May, Birthing From Within, etc.) She's been texting me for support all along, including last night when she was having contractions. She lives in a different state, near my sister, who just texted me that our friend is at the hospital. Her water broke around 1 this afternoon and she is at 2 cm, has been put on pitocin and already got her epidural. What?! Of course I'm not there so I don't know what kind of support she has or what is truly going on but I can' t help but feel disappointed! Why did she spend so much time preparing for natural to get an epidural at 2 cm? Did she not read the books I sent, does she not understand an epi at 2 can stall her labor? I am trying not to judge, I swear, but I know I am anyway. Maybe I'm taking this too personal because I have spent so much time with her about this I almost feel like her long distance labor coach. I hope the best for her but I don't feel good about this. This is the only place I could think of to come and "rant" a little. I would hate to take any of my frustration out on her. Pray for a good outcome for mama and baby.

Perhaps her friend decided she did not want to go natural after all?? Perhaps she realized labor HURT and didn't want to feel it anymore. At least this poster cannot claim her friend was uninformed right?? But, poor poster, how frustrating that her friends aren't birthing exactly how she wants them to!! I also love the pray for a good outcome statement as if having interventions or an epidural means impending death.

So, in the mind of natural birthers, if you don't give birth how they do, they are mad and heartbroken and all that other jazz. Really, with friends like these, who needs enemies? I am truly amazed that women are so quick to bash friends who aren't having all natural births. I have given birth seven times, with 4 of them being unmedicated. It hurts like hell. It really does. No amount of frau frau language is going to change it. If you want to give birth drug free, do it. Seriously, leave your friends to give birth how they want. Friends don't have to take a test to prove to you that they are informed about interventions. Why is it always assumed that women who do not have all natural non-intervention births aren't informed?? I come across this quite a bit. When I was a homebirther, I was so informed and knew my stuff, but as soon as I stepped into the mainstream, suddenly I knew nothing. Seriously?? Natural birthers don't know everything. It amazes me that they assume anyone who shuns the natural agenda is some uneducated moron when that is certainly not the case.

NCB advocates, when you are pregnant, have the birth you want (but please make sure you are REALLY informed and educated- no, reading a few Ina May books does not make you that way). When your friends are pregnant, it is their turn to decide what works for them and truly is not your business. So, mind YOUR own birth!

Mind your own birth

Since I began blogging and immersing myself in the birthing world, I get to come across lots of interesting blogs and people. On one facebook group, members can talk about how uneducated and uninformed their friends are when it comes to giving birth. It also hurts these women so very much when their friends don't have the births they feel their friends should. The only places I see this is on natural birth groups.

Another friend told me of a family member's horrible, mismanaged, traumatic (for mom, dad and baby), intervention-happy birth. I almost told her to stop...it broke my heart. Keep preaching the education and information mamas. Our friends and families need to be educated to be make informed choices for themselves! Start with a competent, knowledgeable, respectful care provider!!!

This is strictly opinion. However it proves that anyone who does not fall for the natural agenda MUST be uneducated and uninformed! How heartbreaking that someone had a birth with interventions!

Sad thing is most women think its normal. Its part of satans plan to destroy the family. To make women fear birth.

Yeah, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! So, if you have a birth with interventions it's because you fear birth and satan will destroy your family for it? Um, so, since over half of my births were natural, am I spared??

I am worried about my friend! She had wanted a natural birth, I sent her all my books (Ina May, Birthing From Within, etc.) She's been texting me for support all along, including last night when she was having contractions. She lives in a different state, near my sister, who just texted me that our friend is at the hospital. Her water broke around 1 this afternoon and she is at 2 cm, has been put on pitocin and already got her epidural. What?! Of course I'm not there so I don't know what kind of support she has or what is truly going on but I can' t help but feel disappointed! Why did she spend so much time preparing for natural to get an epidural at 2 cm? Did she not read the books I sent, does she not understand an epi at 2 can stall her labor? I am trying not to judge, I swear, but I know I am anyway. Maybe I'm taking this too personal because I have spent so much time with her about this I almost feel like her long distance labor coach. I hope the best for her but I don't feel good about this. This is the only place I could think of to come and "rant" a little. I would hate to take any of my frustration out on her. Pray for a good outcome for mama and baby.

Perhaps her friend decided she did not want to go natural after all?? Perhaps she realized labor HURT and didn't want to feel it anymore. At least this poster cannot claim her friend was uninformed right?? But, poor poster, how frustrating that her friends aren't birthing exactly how she wants them to!! I also love the pray for a good outcome statement as if having interventions or an epidural means impending death.

So, in the mind of natural birthers, if you don't give birth how they do, they are mad and heartbroken and all that other jazz. Really, with friends like these, who needs enemies? I am truly amazed that women are so quick to bash friends who aren't having all natural births. I have given birth seven times, with 4 of them being unmedicated. It hurts like hell. It really does. No amount of frau frau language is going to change it. If you want to give birth drug free, do it. Seriously, leave your friends to give birth how they want. Friends don't have to take a test to prove to you that they are informed about interventions. Why is it always assumed that women who do not have all natural non-intervention births aren't informed?? I come across this quite a bit. When I was a homebirther, I was so informed and knew my stuff, but as soon as I stepped into the mainstream, suddenly I knew nothing. Seriously?? Natural birthers don't know everything. It amazes me that they assume anyone who shuns the natural agenda is some uneducated moron when that is certainly not the case.

NCB advocates, when you are pregnant, have the birth you want (but please make sure you are REALLY informed and educated- no, reading a few Ina May books does not make you that way). When your friends are pregnant, it is their turn to decide what works for them and truly is not your business. So, mind YOUR own birth!