In the Eyes of a Sibling

My daughter, age 11, chose to write about her sister for a Language Arts assignment. I just wanted to share.

                 By Mxxxxxxx Cxxxxxx

              The Little Angel                                                                                                                                                                 Little did I know that day was going to be the first and the last time I saw her. The day was June 5th, 2008. At the time I was only two all my siblings were there, Cxxx, Pxxxx, Exxxxx, and Jxxx. It was early in the morning suddenly my mom went into labor with her second home birth.                                                                        

 

   I was pushed out of the room and left puzzled while I heard my mom scream. Fourteen hours later a baby cried, “ It’s a healthy baby girl “, said brenda the midwife. We all got to hold her I was majorly excited about being a big sister. My mom went to sleep and we all played with mary the new baby. When I got to hold her I thought she smelled a little like baby powder. My dad thought mary went to sleep, but she wasn’t breathing he woke up my mom in a flash and they left for the hospital. I was honestly a little frightened, Mary was pronounced dead at the hospital and my parents held her for four hours crying no more like breaking down. They were forced to hand mary over, so they came home my older brother josh asked were the new baby was and they told us everything. I was very sad, We went to the funeral my mom bambi said “ we walked in mary was in a tiny casket we should have been burying her in a bassinet”. I saw her in her little white dress she was so adorable, I gave her a kiss and she was cold like ice.

In the end MaryBeth Chapman was taken from us as soon as she was given to us. She will always be our little angel.  

More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth

Dear Mother,

          I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.

          Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.

          Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.

          Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.

          I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.

The More You Learn

          Being in school, I've chosen to use my experiences when it comes to writing projects. This was probably not the best idea that I've ever had. Right now, I'm tackling a research project in regards to midwifery, their education, and birth outcomes in relation to that. I'm finding out more than I ever knew in regards to the entire CPM title/certification and sometimes it causes me to have to close my laptop and walk away. This is infuriating and I don't get how I fell for this crap nor how others are ok with it.

          MANA, did you know, they are the ones that created all these other little organizations. We see stuff about how CPM's can CHOOSE to go to an MEAC accredited school. Did you know members of MANA are the MEAC??? I sure as heck didn't know that! Everything in regards to CPM's always sounds so legit and they throw out organization names without telling anybody that they are one big conglomerate. Even NARM was created by them.It's great that they set their mind on trying to be legit, although there is already legit midwifery credentials and organizations out there. However, to have one group decide on everything is just corrupt.

          I happened to come across something called a job analysis, which is what NARM bases their exam on. How is this analysis done?? By surveying direct entry midwives about what skills and knowledge bases they deem important in midwifery. In the latest analysis the survey says they are more concerned with counseling women on alcohol consumption in pregnancy than in knowing how to treat group B strep. Lets take a good look at that. Group B Strep, untreated, will affect 1 in 200 babies and kill 1 in 20.  FAS affects .2-2 in 1,000 babies, with the mortality rates at 2.4%. Can anyone with a mathematical background please tell me which one of these is more prevalent? Why in the world are these uneducated women picking and choosing which skill sets they believe are unimportant?? Why is NARM changing the exam to cater to women that have decided they don't see the importance of various skills or knowledge bases? Am I the only one that thinks this is completely nuts??

          Something really has to change. This whole CPM credential needs abolished. We are already seeing the mortality rates rising, in not only babies, but in mothers as well. There is absolutely no excuse as to why these people should be practicing. Frankly, I think the majority are just too lazy and stupid to get a proper education. That's all it is. You want to do something with your life, well, make it happen, properly! Hell, I will need a Bachelors to work in my field. I can't just decide I want to do something and follow another clueless person around. I also won't be facing a life or death situation. For those CPM supporters, you guys need to pull your heads out of your asses and look at this situation without the rose colored glasses.

           You may be thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sounds angry". You're right, I am. I am beyond angry that this piss poor standard is promoted. I am pissed that not only did I lose my child, but I have friends that have lost their beautiful babies too. I am pissed that children are losing their mothers. I am pissed that these numbers are on the upswing. I know that it's only a matter of time before some celebrity either losses their baby, dies themselves, or worse- lose both mother and baby (happened recently). Something has to give, people have to stand up. This is getting worse.

"They're so negative, OMG!"

I have two and a half months, or 73 days, before my daughter's birthday. 4 weeks after her birth/death is when everything came crashing down around me. Everyone and everything I trusted, GONE. Why??? This photo here. 

 

This led me on the path that I am on. This was the first indicator that my daughter died a very preventable death. This is why Brenda freaked out and tried every manipulation tactic in her arsenal. This is why I have spent all this time being attacked, harassed, stalked, and threatened by people within the community. All because I have chosen to not let my baby die in vain. Many women like me, they're bullied into silence. They're not allowed to speak up or else. Do people really not get what this is like for any of us??

I got to see an email sent out about Dr Amy and those of us who align ourselves with her. Ananda Lowe chose to make this comment- My feeling, and I have heard others speculate, is that she and her followers are acting out their pain over their own difficult births or difficult breastfeeding experiences and lack of support for mothers in our society, or other difficult experiences in their lives that somehow come out in their anger toward the natural childbirth community- which I find completely patronizing and dismissive. This speaks of us as whiny children. Throughout my experience, how many have taken a step back and said "Why do these women feel the way they do?". How many truly listen? How many are willing to step out of their echo chamber long enough to truly comprehend anything being said? How many are intelligent enough to grasp what is being said?? Can they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to see that they are inflicting harm upon many women?

Allow me to make a comparison here- Let's use RAPE.

1. Rape is about inflicting harm upon another.  *How is this different than inflicting harm on those of us who try to do what is right and speak up??*

2. Rapists use not only physical force, but coercion and manipulation and abuse of authority  **Manipulation, the #1 thing done by midwives to mothers. Throw in the mental abuse by homebirth supporters**

3. When a victim steps forward, she is victimized all over again ** I'm just angry, didn't do my research, I'm bitter, wasn't educated enough, had a difficult experience (as if), etc**

4. Rape goes un-reported 75-95% of the time due to fears, mainly reprisal or emotional trauma  **Speak up and you pay dearly. Now sit down, be a good little mommy, and forget about your baby**

5. 97/100 rapists walk free like nothing ever happened   *** Most midwives with deaths under their belt don't have to pay for their crimes, it's like nothing happened**

6. Victims battle things like depression, substance abuse, suicide, PTSD, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, etc  **Shocking. I've dealt with them all. Yes, due to this ordeal, I have had to get help to keep from taking my own life, however, the worst of it was the stalking and harassment and threats.

Congrats, Ananda Lowe, you are no better than a rape supporter! Women have been victimized and you are only encouraging the revictimization of us. So many homebirth proponents tout themselves as being so incredibly feminist, but you would never see them blaming a rape victim. Now a victim of the homebirth movement, apparently, we're a free for all.

"Blaming the victim releases the man who commits violence from the responsibility for what he has done. Friends or family may blame the victim in order to feel safe themselves: "She got raped because she walked alone after midnight. I'd never do that, so rape won't happen to me."

So, yeah, Please don't listen to me, I'm just a victim and apparently deserve to be shamed for daring to speak up. I guess I should of moved on like nothing happened like a good little girl. Had I kept quiet, I wouldn't of endured the abuse I have. But, apparently I deserve to be mistreated and ignored.