It never ceases to amaze me that any time an adverse outcome is discussed, the term "personal responsibility" is thrown towards parents. This is the only time I see it used within the community, when parents speak up. Essentially, this is their way of telling you that you are at fault for your baby dying. This is nothing more than a protection mechanism because nobody wants to see fault in something they love and support.
This bothers me for a few reasons-
We relied on someone that we were led to believe was a medical professional. We believed the information given to us. Women are reassured that various high risk circumstances are "variations of normal". We are told homebirth is safer than hospital birth and given studies to back up that statement. You never hear stories about things going wrong. You get wrapped up in the entire homebirth culture. Your midwife is your friend and all your friends are homebirthers. You're steadfast in this community.
Let's look at one of their popular subjects- The Unnecesarean. The name is exactly what it sounds like, an unnecessary c-section. It is deemed unnecessary when baby is born alive and well. This is always blamed on a doctor wanting to hurry a mother along whether it's to free up a room, ruin her experience, they have no faith in mom's abilities, get to a golf game, get to dinner, get to a family function, etc. All the women who use this term are loved, supported, and validated in their feelings within the community. I can honestly say I have never seen anyone in the community be nasty to a mother who feels she had an unnecesarean. Those within this subculture track cesarean rates for various practitioners so that women can avoid those with high cesarean rates. They discuss all the ways in which cesareans are horrible and awful. I won't lie, I've even read stories and witnessed things that have made ME question the validity of a c-section in cases. These mothers are never told they should accept "personal responsibility" for their c-section. They are not blamed for it. They are seen as a victim of the obstetrical movement. Everyone is worried about preventing these surgeries and lowering rates.
They are worried about PPD due to c-sections as well. What about the PPD you have when you suddenly have empty arms? They talk about PTSD from the c-section, but what about our PTSD after a loss?? It's been almost 5 years and I still will trigger when I see an ambulance or I see that Lincoln Towncar that took my daughter from the funeral home to the cemetery. When I have to physically talk about that morning, I won't lie, I panic inside. My heart races, I can't breathe, my palms sweat. What about what we go through? Why doesn't that matter?
Can anyone, anyone, tell me why these mothers are treated better than homebirth loss mothers and shown much more respect? "You had a c-section, you poor thing, we have to do something about this" vs "You need to accept personal responsibility for your midwife being negligent and causing your baby's death". How can an OB be so horrible for doing a surgery (no matter the reason), but a midwife is on par with Jesus himself after negligently causing a death (or even multiple ones)? Is it just me or is something majorly messed up here?
I am sick to death of being told to accept responsibility for my daughter's death. Yes, I chose the midwife and birth location and I realize I failed horribly. This is something I live with every single day of my life. ME. If I had known there was something wrong, I would of went to the hospital immediately. However, when Brenda explained everything to me, it really did sound plausible and I had no reason to think otherwise. I've had advocates tell me why those explanations were plausible as well!! She was the "professional" and was hired because of it. We relied on her. How did she not know something was wrong when midwives are suppose to know all about what is normal? She gets to go about her life like nothing happened. I don't have that luxury. I've been blaming myself and battling the guilt since she died and when advocates insist on heaping that blame on my shoulders, it does affect me, more than I should let it. We get punished for wanting to prevent other parents from enduring this. The midwives we relied on, they get fundraising rallies and support.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Man Behind the Curtain
Midwifery is legal in North Carolina if you are a Certified Nurse Midwife. The thing with CPM's/lay midwives is that they are uneducated, have no accountability, do not carry malpractice insurance, have no standards, etc. In states where they are licensed to practice, there is still no accountability. In Colorado, for instance, the perinatal mortality rate for their licensed midwives, is 2.5 X higher than the state as a whole. How will licensing help?? How about supporting a bill that says CNM's can practice without having to have a physician babysitting them so that CNM's could be providing homebirth services? Give women access to safe and qualified providers.
I think the homebirth community, as a whole, would fare better if they held midwives up to higher standards and did not blindly support negligence. People are seeing the reactions from some within the community and saying "Whoa, hold up, babies are dying here and we cannot allow this anymore". When you defend negligence and ignore what is occurring, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
When it comes to bullies, I can honestly say I have seen that coming directly from the community to anyone who stands up, especially us mothers who speak out about the preventable deaths of our babies at the hands of our homebirth midwives.
I think the homebirth community, as a whole, would fare better if they held midwives up to higher standards and did not blindly support negligence. People are seeing the reactions from some within the community and saying "Whoa, hold up, babies are dying here and we cannot allow this anymore". When you defend negligence and ignore what is occurring, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
When it comes to bullies, I can honestly say I have seen that coming directly from the community to anyone who stands up, especially us mothers who speak out about the preventable deaths of our babies at the hands of our homebirth midwives.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
What Really Matters
At this moment, the homebirth world is reeling from the arrest of a North Carolina Midwife, Rowan Bailey, for murder. It seems as though this arrest has split the community in half. On one hand, you have one group saying "She did something wrong and I cannot support this" and then the other group is saying "we don't care what she did, she is a midwife and we support her".
This second group has literally had me ready to cry. I feel this way because they are telling those of us with preventable midwife losses that it doesn't matter if babies die. They seem to care more about the sisterhood and midwives than they do the women/babies midwives are serving. I have been reading various facebook pages over the last few days so that I can see what types of things are being said about this situation and it never ceases to amaze me at how callous some are towards preventable losses. Many see the sisterhood and will support it regardless.
I found this from Gloria Lemay " I donated selfishly because I know I'm going to want to be part of the fun when we hear that Rowan is free again. This is history in the making. If you've ever wished you could have funded the freeing of the slaves, the vote for women, availability of birth control, freedom to home school the kids, etc.,THIS is your chance today. I've been on the receiving end of $2, $5, $10 donations and you'd be surprised how it all adds up fast if everyone plays."
I bolded the part that stuck out to me. Nothing about this woman being in jail is related to civil rights. This woman broke the law. This woman's negligence cost a family their baby. She doesn't have a right to do as she pleases because she claims to be a midwife. The main theme I am seeing here is "We support midwives because they are there, end of story."- Another fantastic Lemay quote. Isn't that woman a gem?? Is that ALL it takes to get their support? You and your actions do not matter, what matters is that you are a midwife. If you are negligent, that's ok, we will support you.
I have seen the parents blamed and I will not share or copy any of those comments. Just know that if you choose to blame parents for their baby's death, you my friend, are a deplorable human being. When you place the death on our shoulders while absolving the midwife, you are only serving to compound the grief we feel. Most are already beating up and blaming themselves. Parents do not need the additional blame. Parents need love and support. Parents need people who are strong enough in their convictions that say "Whoa, this was wrong and shouldn't of happened".
I understand wanting to support those within the "Sisterhood", I do. Nobody wants to look at their friend and think their friend messed up! This "Sisterhood or Bust" mentality is only serving to harm the homebirth community as a whole.
Joy, from The Joy of This, wrote a wonderful blog post about this very subject and I just wanted to hug her for it! Let me share an excerpt:
"We cannot ignore our need to change. As any healthy relationship moves forward in growth, there are times when we have to acknowledge our failings to each other – with love and care, so that the fruit of the relationship stays sweet. It’s time, birth lovers, it is imperatively… time."
It makes my heart happy to see the advocates that are seeing that things need changed. Many are learning and researching the reasons for this midwife arrest instead of seeing the word Midwife and handing over their pocketbooks. They are standing up and showing us that they will no longer stand for this degree of incompetence. These advocates are the ones who have a true love for not only midwifery and homebirth, but mothers and babies.
Even if you don't know our stories, you are showing me that our babies truly matter. You are showing me that our babies did not die in vain. For that, I am grateful. Although we may not agree on everything, we are slowly reaching a middle ground in fighting for mothers and babies. That is the most important part of the midwifery/homebirth movement!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Loving Thyself
Since this is February, I figured what better than to talk about loving oneself. So many of us have body issues and I believe it needs discussed. These issues can affect any of us regardless of the type of body we have. This isn't discriminatory. And it sucks.
I've been working out for a year now. While on this journey, I've met many people traveling with me. One thing I have noticed about most of us- we are still critical of ourselves. Why is beyond me. You would think we would love what we see and not be critical. I think I understand what part of the issue is- society has a certain standard that most of us cannot attain. We look at celebrities and then ourselves and critique every little thing that we have that they don't. Since when did THAT become the standard we are suppose to adhere to?? Ok, I'm going to say- BITE ME. We don't all have those body types and we don't have the resources available to us, therefore the standard is unrealistic.
So, how can we love ourselves??
Look at what our bodies have done for us. Mine- I am alive. I have carried a total of nine babies. Seven of those babies made it to nine months within my body. My breasts have fed six children, including the three year old who is still going. My body is strong. I can walk into that gym everyday . Some men cannot do what I can. Occasionally, I can talk one of the guys into trying something I do, but most say "F that". Sometimes, one will challenge me to try something new or heavier and sometimes I succeed at it. I give it my all though. This is MY body. What about you, what has your body done for you?
Truly look at your body and tell yourself what you like about it. Me- I drive everyone crazy because I have a horrible mirror fascination now. I look at myself and say "Dang, I like this and that and this and that". This attitude has made a huge difference in how I see myself. IF you look at yourself, what do you see that you like??
Know there is not another you out there, you're one of a kind. That's pretty awesome.
Lastly, who are you inside that body?? What makes you happy? How do you make others happy? What attributes do you have that you love? Loving who you are inside is the last key to truly loving yourself, in my opinion.
I've been working out for a year now. While on this journey, I've met many people traveling with me. One thing I have noticed about most of us- we are still critical of ourselves. Why is beyond me. You would think we would love what we see and not be critical. I think I understand what part of the issue is- society has a certain standard that most of us cannot attain. We look at celebrities and then ourselves and critique every little thing that we have that they don't. Since when did THAT become the standard we are suppose to adhere to?? Ok, I'm going to say- BITE ME. We don't all have those body types and we don't have the resources available to us, therefore the standard is unrealistic.
So, how can we love ourselves??
Look at what our bodies have done for us. Mine- I am alive. I have carried a total of nine babies. Seven of those babies made it to nine months within my body. My breasts have fed six children, including the three year old who is still going. My body is strong. I can walk into that gym everyday . Some men cannot do what I can. Occasionally, I can talk one of the guys into trying something I do, but most say "F that". Sometimes, one will challenge me to try something new or heavier and sometimes I succeed at it. I give it my all though. This is MY body. What about you, what has your body done for you?
Truly look at your body and tell yourself what you like about it. Me- I drive everyone crazy because I have a horrible mirror fascination now. I look at myself and say "Dang, I like this and that and this and that". This attitude has made a huge difference in how I see myself. IF you look at yourself, what do you see that you like??
Know there is not another you out there, you're one of a kind. That's pretty awesome.
Lastly, who are you inside that body?? What makes you happy? How do you make others happy? What attributes do you have that you love? Loving who you are inside is the last key to truly loving yourself, in my opinion.
Loving Thyself
Since this is February, I figured what better than to talk about loving oneself. So many of us have body issues and I believe it needs discussed. These issues can affect any of us regardless of the type of body we have. This isn't discriminatory. And it sucks.
I've been working out for a year now. While on this journey, I've met many people traveling with me. One thing I have noticed about most of us- we are still critical of ourselves. Why is beyond me. You would think we would love what we see and not be critical. I think I understand what part of the issue is- society has a certain standard that most of us cannot attain. We look at celebrities and then ourselves and critique every little thing that we have that they don't. Since when did THAT become the standard we are suppose to adhere to?? Ok, I'm going to say- BITE ME. We don't all have those body types and we don't have the resources available to us, therefore the standard is unrealistic.
So, how can we love ourselves??
Look at what our bodies have done for us. Mine- I am alive. I have carried a total of nine babies. Seven of those babies made it to nine months within my body. My breasts have fed six children, including the three year old who is still going. My body is strong. I can walk into that gym everyday . Some men cannot do what I can. Occasionally, I can talk one of the guys into trying something I do, but most say "F that". Sometimes, one will challenge me to try something new or heavier and sometimes I succeed at it. I give it my all though. This is MY body. What about you, what has your body done for you?
Truly look at your body and tell yourself what you like about it. Me- I drive everyone crazy because I have a horrible mirror fascination now. I look at myself and say "Dang, I like this and that and this and that". This attitude has made a huge difference in how I see myself. IF you look at yourself, what do you see that you like??
Know there is not another you out there, you're one of a kind. That's pretty awesome.
Lastly, who are you inside that body?? What makes you happy? How do you make others happy? What attributes do you have that you love? Loving who you are inside is the last key to truly loving yourself, in my opinion.
I've been working out for a year now. While on this journey, I've met many people traveling with me. One thing I have noticed about most of us- we are still critical of ourselves. Why is beyond me. You would think we would love what we see and not be critical. I think I understand what part of the issue is- society has a certain standard that most of us cannot attain. We look at celebrities and then ourselves and critique every little thing that we have that they don't. Since when did THAT become the standard we are suppose to adhere to?? Ok, I'm going to say- BITE ME. We don't all have those body types and we don't have the resources available to us, therefore the standard is unrealistic.
So, how can we love ourselves??
Look at what our bodies have done for us. Mine- I am alive. I have carried a total of nine babies. Seven of those babies made it to nine months within my body. My breasts have fed six children, including the three year old who is still going. My body is strong. I can walk into that gym everyday . Some men cannot do what I can. Occasionally, I can talk one of the guys into trying something I do, but most say "F that". Sometimes, one will challenge me to try something new or heavier and sometimes I succeed at it. I give it my all though. This is MY body. What about you, what has your body done for you?
Truly look at your body and tell yourself what you like about it. Me- I drive everyone crazy because I have a horrible mirror fascination now. I look at myself and say "Dang, I like this and that and this and that". This attitude has made a huge difference in how I see myself. IF you look at yourself, what do you see that you like??
Know there is not another you out there, you're one of a kind. That's pretty awesome.
Lastly, who are you inside that body?? What makes you happy? How do you make others happy? What attributes do you have that you love? Loving who you are inside is the last key to truly loving yourself, in my opinion.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Fitness Friday Week 4
I missed last week due to not having my laptop up, so let me do a quick catch up!
My goal of more cardio is shot! Truthfully, I hate cardio more than you can imagine. Now lifting, OMG, I love it and would spend hours a day doing it! So, yeah, I've been lifting. I missed my Insanity class last night due to this cold I have. I will pop some Alka Seltzer in a few and see if I'm feeling up to working out this morning. I pushed myself a little harder than I probably should of yesterday.
Eating has been pretty good. I haven't been counting calories this week, just sticking to my good foods and high protein stuff. It's working out well!
I don't remember what weight I was 2 weeks ago, but I'm at 122.4 and 24.5% bodyfat. I'm happy, but I'm also feeling a little discouraged over the whole post baby body. If I pull the belly skin tight, I have a six pack. So, either I get the AB muscles a little bigger or I will have a little excess skin. I wonder what I can do to help this in a non-surgical way? It's got me down today.
Well, I think that's about it! I'm going to keep plugging away and hope you are doing the same!! You can follow the Momofmanyfeet Facebook page for lots of motivation, support, and discussion.
Fitness Friday Week 4
I missed last week due to not having my laptop up, so let me do a quick catch up!
My goal of more cardio is shot! Truthfully, I hate cardio more than you can imagine. Now lifting, OMG, I love it and would spend hours a day doing it! So, yeah, I've been lifting. I missed my Insanity class last night due to this cold I have. I will pop some Alka Seltzer in a few and see if I'm feeling up to working out this morning. I pushed myself a little harder than I probably should of yesterday.
Eating has been pretty good. I haven't been counting calories this week, just sticking to my good foods and high protein stuff. It's working out well!
I don't remember what weight I was 2 weeks ago, but I'm at 122.4 and 24.5% bodyfat. I'm happy, but I'm also feeling a little discouraged over the whole post baby body. If I pull the belly skin tight, I have a six pack. So, either I get the AB muscles a little bigger or I will have a little excess skin. I wonder what I can do to help this in a non-surgical way? It's got me down today.
Well, I think that's about it! I'm going to keep plugging away and hope you are doing the same!! You can follow the Momofmanyfeet Facebook page for lots of motivation, support, and discussion.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Diets- The GM Diet
Diet. That word is enough to make us all cringe as we think, "OMG, I have to give up this food and that food until I lose this weight!". That in itself is enough to cause many of us to throw in the towel. Honestly, how many of us really want to give up chocolate? Or cookies? Yeah, no! I would probably harm somebody!
Let's look at a few of these:
The GM Diet. According to Livestrong,
The GM Diet is a seven-day diet. Day 1 calls for all the fruit you want, but no bananas. It urges you to eat cantaloupe and watermelon in particular. The second day is for vegetables, but no starchy vegetables, such as corn, peas or beans. The exception is one baked potato with butter for dinner. Day 3 is designated for unlimited fruits and vegetables, but bananas and starchy vegetables are still excluded, and you can't have a potato. The fourth day will allegedly ease any cravings you're having for sweets: three to eight bananas and as much skim milk as you want. Day 5 allows up to 20 oz. of beef and as many as six tomatoes. On Day 6 you can have unlimited amounts of beef and nonstarchy vegetables. The last day is for brown rice, nonstarchy vegetables and unsweetened fruit juice.
Now, why is it a major fail?
You are not partaking in a balanced diet at all. Only certain foods on certain days, really???? If you aren't consuming adequate amounts of fat and protein, you're going to be STARVING. Fat and protein help fill you up and are necessary for our bodies to function properly. No bananas? Hello, they have fantastic nutrients in them! You can have a baked potato with butter, but no bananas? That makes NO sense whatsoever. One day you get up to 20 OZ of beef? Sorry, but beef is one of the worst meats you can eat. 20 oz of it would be at least 2,000 calories. One day of brown rice?
This diet is very poor nutritionally. While it may result in some weight loss, you are probably looking at water weight and poop. We all know that consuming large amounts of fruits and vegetables can send you to the bathroom constantly! You will have diarrhea for days. That sucks! Those bananas you get on day 4 may help curb the bathroom habit. You will also feel like crap because you aren't getting the nutrients your body needs to function.
This diet also does not take into consideration the proper ratio of fats/carbs/proteins that we need. Some of us consume various ratios of each to achieve our goals. Some, pay their macros no mind. that's fine. However, again, you do need fats and proteins and can't just skip them. There are different types of fats that can be good for your heart, brain, and even fat loss. Yes, some we should try to avoid consuming in mass quantities! To avoid them altogether, no. Protein, your muscles need it and it helps with your metabolism. Protein saves those muscles and if you aren't feeding the muscles, you lose them. Lack of protein can also cause hair loss. Isn't that a pretty side effect??
This diet also does not address caloric needs. Yes, fruits and veggies can be eaten out the wazoo with not a huge calorie hit if you are watching them. That's the thing, we all have a certain amount of calories that our bodies need to just function. I believe it is important to know this number. For me, it's around 1740. If you begin depriving your body of this huge amount of calories, it's going to mess up your metabolism. Then to overload it with calories you don't need, they'll stick around. Now, if you practice cycling your calories, it probably will not affect you.
This diet, it's not worth it.
Diets- The GM Diet
Diet. That word is enough to make us all cringe as we think, "OMG, I have to give up this food and that food until I lose this weight!". That in itself is enough to cause many of us to throw in the towel. Honestly, how many of us really want to give up chocolate? Or cookies? Yeah, no! I would probably harm somebody!
Let's look at a few of these:
The GM Diet. According to Livestrong,
The GM Diet is a seven-day diet. Day 1 calls for all the fruit you want, but no bananas. It urges you to eat cantaloupe and watermelon in particular. The second day is for vegetables, but no starchy vegetables, such as corn, peas or beans. The exception is one baked potato with butter for dinner. Day 3 is designated for unlimited fruits and vegetables, but bananas and starchy vegetables are still excluded, and you can't have a potato. The fourth day will allegedly ease any cravings you're having for sweets: three to eight bananas and as much skim milk as you want. Day 5 allows up to 20 oz. of beef and as many as six tomatoes. On Day 6 you can have unlimited amounts of beef and nonstarchy vegetables. The last day is for brown rice, nonstarchy vegetables and unsweetened fruit juice.
Now, why is it a major fail?
You are not partaking in a balanced diet at all. Only certain foods on certain days, really???? If you aren't consuming adequate amounts of fat and protein, you're going to be STARVING. Fat and protein help fill you up and are necessary for our bodies to function properly. No bananas? Hello, they have fantastic nutrients in them! You can have a baked potato with butter, but no bananas? That makes NO sense whatsoever. One day you get up to 20 OZ of beef? Sorry, but beef is one of the worst meats you can eat. 20 oz of it would be at least 2,000 calories. One day of brown rice?
This diet is very poor nutritionally. While it may result in some weight loss, you are probably looking at water weight and poop. We all know that consuming large amounts of fruits and vegetables can send you to the bathroom constantly! You will have diarrhea for days. That sucks! Those bananas you get on day 4 may help curb the bathroom habit. You will also feel like crap because you aren't getting the nutrients your body needs to function.
This diet also does not take into consideration the proper ratio of fats/carbs/proteins that we need. Some of us consume various ratios of each to achieve our goals. Some, pay their macros no mind. that's fine. However, again, you do need fats and proteins and can't just skip them. There are different types of fats that can be good for your heart, brain, and even fat loss. Yes, some we should try to avoid consuming in mass quantities! To avoid them altogether, no. Protein, your muscles need it and it helps with your metabolism. Protein saves those muscles and if you aren't feeding the muscles, you lose them. Lack of protein can also cause hair loss. Isn't that a pretty side effect??
This diet also does not address caloric needs. Yes, fruits and veggies can be eaten out the wazoo with not a huge calorie hit if you are watching them. That's the thing, we all have a certain amount of calories that our bodies need to just function. I believe it is important to know this number. For me, it's around 1740. If you begin depriving your body of this huge amount of calories, it's going to mess up your metabolism. Then to overload it with calories you don't need, they'll stick around. Now, if you practice cycling your calories, it probably will not affect you.
This diet, it's not worth it.
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