It's Been Nine Years

As I was at the cemetery tonight, hoping to not accidently get locked in, I kissed my daughter's headstone and caught a glimpse of the birthday candle we left on the top earlier this month. It's been nine years- Nine years since that fateful day, nine years since I held my daughter in my arms, nine years since I've seen her face, nine years since I've stroked her hair, nine years since I held those tiny fingers. Nine years. Nine years later I still get teary having to leave my daughter, my baby, in a cemetery.

The woman I was on June 4th, 2008 is nowhere to be found. She died with her child. Instead, this woman was born in her place. I was thrust into a role that no mother wants to find herself in. That role became a vital part of my identity. For a time, my role as a bereaved mother consumed my life. I had to grieve and find the strength to fight for my child because I was the only voice she had. Many hoped that I would fade off into the distance, and I did for a time, but I still held that voice because I'm her mother.

Looking at life now, I still have posters tell me they remember her story and share the ways that it helped them whether it was after their child passed or those who chose to change birth plans. Some remember things I've written that impacted them in some way. It humbles me to know that my daughter has made a difference in this world. I remember being threatened into being quiet, and I did it for a little while, but, I overcame these homebirth bullies.

Somehow, I've made it this far. How it happened can only be attributed to the loving family and friends that I have. As I drove away from that cemetery, I cried that I was the one that should have been in the ground, I'd trade places with her in a second. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I really think we're usually numb to the pain of leaving our child where they don't belong. After this, I'm reminded of everything GOOD that has come out of this HORRIBLE situation. Sometimes, you just need to know that she mattered, her story matters, and sharing your pain can help to bring about something positive for someone else- like watching their child grow up. I need to be reminded that she didn't die in vain.

Improving Birth, Making a Mockery of Fallen Soldiers

          Improving Birth has, once again, outdone themselves with their newest event. According to Michelle Hartney, " Participants will stand together in pairs and fold the hospital gowns into triangles, similar to the way U.S. soldiers fold flags at a military funeral.". That's right, folks, they will be folding up hospital gowns mimicking flag folding at military funerals.  The purpose of this is "It’s about women being capable of making safer, more informed decisions about their care and that of their babies, when they are given full and accurate information about their care options, including the potential harms, benefits, and alternatives. It’s about respect for women and their decisions in childbirth, including how, where, and with whom they give birth; and the right to be treated with dignity and compassion.". I am unsure as to how this has anything to do with military honors as the organizer, Michelle, has chosen to remove or make this even private due to the sheer amount of posters that could not support this behavior. 

                   With my military ties, I find this idea to be highly offensive, yet was told that UI was just a troll who didn't care about the military (although this person had no idea of my familial makeup). Our soldiers give their lives for our freedom, even the freedom for these first world women to mock them. However, my question is why?? Why make a mockery of this very sacred tradition?? The name of the event is Mother's Right. Oddly enough, for this group being about mother's rights, they trample all over homebirth loss mothers like myself, taking away all rights to, not only informed consent, but rights to respect, rights to be treated with dignity, and especially rights to compassion. 

                    Birth has absolutely nothing to do with military service! If you want to have a protest, burn some hospital gowns, it's up to you, but please don't make a mockery of our fallen service members. It has now come to my attention that Michelle removed this event (or made it private). However, the fact that she and multiple women wanted to hold this is enough to make us take pause and question their motives. 

To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth

Dear Mother,

          I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.

          Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.

          Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.

          Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.

          I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.