In the Eyes of a Sibling

My daughter, age 11, chose to write about her sister for a Language Arts assignment. I just wanted to share.

                 By Mxxxxxxx Cxxxxxx

              The Little Angel                                                                                                                                                                 Little did I know that day was going to be the first and the last time I saw her. The day was June 5th, 2008. At the time I was only two all my siblings were there, Cxxx, Pxxxx, Exxxxx, and Jxxx. It was early in the morning suddenly my mom went into labor with her second home birth.                                                                        

 

   I was pushed out of the room and left puzzled while I heard my mom scream. Fourteen hours later a baby cried, “ It’s a healthy baby girl “, said brenda the midwife. We all got to hold her I was majorly excited about being a big sister. My mom went to sleep and we all played with mary the new baby. When I got to hold her I thought she smelled a little like baby powder. My dad thought mary went to sleep, but she wasn’t breathing he woke up my mom in a flash and they left for the hospital. I was honestly a little frightened, Mary was pronounced dead at the hospital and my parents held her for four hours crying no more like breaking down. They were forced to hand mary over, so they came home my older brother josh asked were the new baby was and they told us everything. I was very sad, We went to the funeral my mom bambi said “ we walked in mary was in a tiny casket we should have been burying her in a bassinet”. I saw her in her little white dress she was so adorable, I gave her a kiss and she was cold like ice.

In the end MaryBeth Chapman was taken from us as soon as she was given to us. She will always be our little angel.  

More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth

Dear Mother,

          I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.

          Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.

          Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.

          Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.

          I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Looking to start up other blogs

I am looking for other mothers who have had negative homebirth experiences that would be willing to be authors on a collaborative blog. It is time to make our voices heard!

In addition to that idea, I would also like to start a memorial blog strictly for homebirth loss moms to share their stories and maybe even a picture of their child.

If you are interested in either of these, you can contact me at momma6_2angels at yahoo.com

Looking to start up other blogs

I am looking for other mothers who have had negative homebirth experiences that would be willing to be authors on a collaborative blog. It is time to make our voices heard!

In addition to that idea, I would also like to start a memorial blog strictly for homebirth loss moms to share their stories and maybe even a picture of their child.

If you are interested in either of these, you can contact me at momma6_2angels at yahoo.com