Showing posts with label negative homebirth experiences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negative homebirth experiences. Show all posts

Friday, June 5, 2015

To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth




Dear Mother,

          I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.

          Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.

          Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.

          Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.

          I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Looking to start up other blogs

I am looking for other mothers who have had negative homebirth experiences that would be willing to be authors on a collaborative blog. It is time to make our voices heard!

In addition to that idea, I would also like to start a memorial blog strictly for homebirth loss moms to share their stories and maybe even a picture of their child.

If you are interested in either of these, you can contact me at momma6_2angels at yahoo.com

Looking to start up other blogs

I am looking for other mothers who have had negative homebirth experiences that would be willing to be authors on a collaborative blog. It is time to make our voices heard!

In addition to that idea, I would also like to start a memorial blog strictly for homebirth loss moms to share their stories and maybe even a picture of their child.

If you are interested in either of these, you can contact me at momma6_2angels at yahoo.com

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