Showing posts with label homebirth loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homebirth loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Friday, June 5, 2015

To The Mother Contemplating Homebirth




Dear Mother,

          I am coming to you today to beg you to please don't make the same decisions I did. You see, I chose to homebirth with a CPM. I had previously had a successful homebirth with the same midwife. I ran in many of the circles that you do now. I did the research, got midwife references, grilled my midwife, etc. Basically, I did everything you've done. I was confident in my decisions and considered myself well educated. When well-meaning people would give me grief about my decisions, I would throw out the studies proving that what I was doing was completely safe.

          Today marks 7 years since my second homebirth. Like any other mother, I get to mark today with cupcakes, crafts, balloons, and gifts. We had funfetti cupcakes with pink icing and pink sugar crystals, pink and purple balloons, 3D stickers, a cute butterfly, and two new pinwheels. We had a friend and her grandchildren join us in the festivities. It was a really nice time.

          Today also marks seven years ago that my daughter died. Scattered in with our yearly celebration are tears and pain. Picking out balloons consisted of me crying in the store and some poor unknowing cashier setting out Kleenex for me. A trip to the craft store consisted of me crying while looking at bows. When I woke up today, I instinctively cried, so my amazing doberman hopped up in my bed to help comfort me. My friend, well, she's the lovely woman that donates her time to other bereaved families by photographing our babies. She was been a gem throughout this process. Today, I received things in my daughter's memory.

          Seven years ago, my daughter died a completely preventable death because my midwife (somehow) missed the signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and was in respiratory distress. Instead of actually saying "I think this baby needs evaluated, transport", she told us our daughter was perfectly healthy. Perfectly HEALTHY. I have to live with the fact that I believed what I was told. My midwife, well, she's still off delivering babies even though her negligence has claimed more innocent lives than Lisa Barrett! Choosing to speak out, it made me a pariah among my friends within the homebirth community, therefore I was completely abandoned and ostracized. My grief was judged, my child's death completely disregarded.

          I do not wish this life upon any other person. It hurts so very much. I want you to have a beautiful healthy baby. I want that baby to be in your arms! I want you to be able to do all the things that were robbed of me like those sweet smiles, giggles, coos, hearing MA-MA, hugs, kisses, first teeth, holidays, etc. The list of beautiful milestones grows every day. My heart and my body, they feel this absence every single day. I don't want this for you. I urge you to please reconsider the decisions that you are making. When told that this birth will affect everything, please remember that it isn't always good change. Grief is a terrible burden to carry.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The More You Learn





          Being in school, I've chosen to use my experiences when it comes to writing projects. This was probably not the best idea that I've ever had. Right now, I'm tackling a research project in regards to midwifery, their education, and birth outcomes in relation to that. I'm finding out more than I ever knew in regards to the entire CPM title/certification and sometimes it causes me to have to close my laptop and walk away. This is infuriating and I don't get how I fell for this crap nor how others are ok with it.

          MANA, did you know, they are the ones that created all these other little organizations. We see stuff about how CPM's can CHOOSE to go to an MEAC accredited school. Did you know members of MANA are the MEAC??? I sure as heck didn't know that! Everything in regards to CPM's always sounds so legit and they throw out organization names without telling anybody that they are one big conglomerate. Even NARM was created by them.It's great that they set their mind on trying to be legit, although there is already legit midwifery credentials and organizations out there. However, to have one group decide on everything is just corrupt.

          I happened to come across something called a job analysis, which is what NARM bases their exam on. How is this analysis done?? By surveying direct entry midwives about what skills and knowledge bases they deem important in midwifery. In the latest analysis the survey says they are more concerned with counseling women on alcohol consumption in pregnancy than in knowing how to treat group B strep. Lets take a good look at that. Group B Strep, untreated, will affect 1 in 200 babies and kill 1 in 20.  FAS affects .2-2 in 1,000 babies, with the mortality rates at 2.4%. Can anyone with a mathematical background please tell me which one of these is more prevalent? Why in the world are these uneducated women picking and choosing which skill sets they believe are unimportant?? Why is NARM changing the exam to cater to women that have decided they don't see the importance of various skills or knowledge bases? Am I the only one that thinks this is completely nuts??

          Something really has to change. This whole CPM credential needs abolished. We are already seeing the mortality rates rising, in not only babies, but in mothers as well. There is absolutely no excuse as to why these people should be practicing. Frankly, I think the majority are just too lazy and stupid to get a proper education. That's all it is. You want to do something with your life, well, make it happen, properly! Hell, I will need a Bachelors to work in my field. I can't just decide I want to do something and follow another clueless person around. I also won't be facing a life or death situation. For those CPM supporters, you guys need to pull your heads out of your asses and look at this situation without the rose colored glasses.

           You may be thinking to yourself, "Wow, she sounds angry". You're right, I am. I am beyond angry that this piss poor standard is promoted. I am pissed that not only did I lose my child, but I have friends that have lost their beautiful babies too. I am pissed that children are losing their mothers. I am pissed that these numbers are on the upswing. I know that it's only a matter of time before some celebrity either losses their baby, dies themselves, or worse- lose both mother and baby (happened recently). Something has to give, people have to stand up. This is getting worse.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My sympathy has limits

I'm going to step out here and place myself under fire.

My heart breaks for every parent out there that goes through the loss of a child. There is just nothing that compares. This is an experience that I can't just get over nor will I ever heal from it nor will I find peace or any of that. I do what I can to help others like me and I speak out against unsafe homebirth practices/practitioners.

Sometimes my heart aches when I read stories of loss, but I have nothing but contempt and disdain for the parents. Why? Because they continue on promoting the very practice that killed their child. If you are a part of the movement and encouraging other women to take the risks you chose to take, you do not deserve sympathy. I know when Dr Amy blamed a mother a few months ago, she wasn't doing it to be mean. She is doing it because she has seen how many of these people have lost children and she's baffled by those who don't seem to really care.

You have four types of homebirth loss moms:

1. Mom is in an echo chamber during conception and/or pregnancy. Baby dies preventable death and mom turns from the movement. These are the moms who really thought they were doing best for their baby and are pissed!

2. Mom spends conception and/or pregnancy in an echo chamber. Baby dies preventable death and mom decides to not do it again, but is still very supportive. These are usually the ones who are sad, but think it would of happened regardless.

3. Mom is deeply involved with the movement, baby dies preventable death. Mom doesn't care and continues on.

4. Baby has an actual defect that would of claimed it's life regardless. This one is rare!

In my book, if your baby dies and you are so deeply rooted that you don't change at all, you don't deserve sympathy. You are no more than a child killer. You took your baby's life and are fine with that. I can think of one mother that Amy went after with a vengence. As an angel mom, I felt sad for her loss, but I'm also angered that she just didn't care and continued on her path. I know I'm going to piss people off here. Some of these mothers, they do not deserve sympathy at all. These babies are no treated different by their parents than the ones thrown into the trash. It's disgusting. If we wonder how a mother can throw her infant in the garbage or a dumpster, we need look no further than the leaders who have buried their children.

On another note, I'm using a different commenting system, so it should be easier to comment on here.

My sympathy has limits

I'm going to step out here and place myself under fire.

My heart breaks for every parent out there that goes through the loss of a child. There is just nothing that compares. This is an experience that I can't just get over nor will I ever heal from it nor will I find peace or any of that. I do what I can to help others like me and I speak out against unsafe homebirth practices/practitioners.

Sometimes my heart aches when I read stories of loss, but I have nothing but contempt and disdain for the parents. Why? Because they continue on promoting the very practice that killed their child. If you are a part of the movement and encouraging other women to take the risks you chose to take, you do not deserve sympathy. I know when Dr Amy blamed a mother a few months ago, she wasn't doing it to be mean. She is doing it because she has seen how many of these people have lost children and she's baffled by those who don't seem to really care.

You have four types of homebirth loss moms:

1. Mom is in an echo chamber during conception and/or pregnancy. Baby dies preventable death and mom turns from the movement. These are the moms who really thought they were doing best for their baby and are pissed!

2. Mom spends conception and/or pregnancy in an echo chamber. Baby dies preventable death and mom decides to not do it again, but is still very supportive. These are usually the ones who are sad, but think it would of happened regardless.

3. Mom is deeply involved with the movement, baby dies preventable death. Mom doesn't care and continues on.

4. Baby has an actual defect that would of claimed it's life regardless. This one is rare!


In my book, if your baby dies and you are so deeply rooted that you don't change at all, you don't deserve sympathy. You are no more than a child killer. You took your baby's life and are fine with that. I can think of one mother that Amy went after with a vengence. As an angel mom, I felt sad for her loss, but I'm also angered that she just didn't care and continued on her path. I know I'm going to piss people off here. Some of these mothers, they do not deserve sympathy at all. These babies are no treated different by their parents than the ones thrown into the trash. It's disgusting. If we wonder how a mother can throw her infant in the garbage or a dumpster, we need look no further than the leaders who have buried their children.


On another note, I'm using a different commenting system, so it should be easier to comment on here.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Yes, they really do say this stuff

I've spoken a few times on the crap said to homebirth loss moms who dare to speak up. I happened to of joined the facebook page for Business of Being Born. I shared my story and gave my spiel on CPM's, why they are dangerous, why they aren't comparable to European midwives, etc. Of course, we are called trolls because we don't clamor about how changed our lives were due to that docrapumentary and actually share real facts. Very few pwople have stood up to say "Hey, this other side needs to be shown instead of begging for the banning of these women". Yes, someone actually called for us to be banned from the page. For sharing facts! This really proves that advocates cannot handle dissenting opinion. The anger is comical. Now, I did get angry. Why?? Perhaps these statements will shed some light onto why some of us are so angry and this is really what we are up against when we choose to speak up

Your daughter probably would have lived if born in a hospital, or maybe the nurse/doctor there would have been in a rush and missed the signs....maybe you should have thought about all those risks BEFORE deciding to have a homebirth. Maybe you should have brushed up on the signs of not breathing and distress etc. Any mother that has a home birth should know the warning signs and seek help ASAP.

You need to accept some blame for this, or else you will never heal.

Just like we shouldn't put all our trust into our doctor, we shouldn't put all our trust into our midwives, no matter what initials come after their name. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR family at the end of the day. You chose where you wanted to birth, not anyone else.

I do agree that there should be some liability for midwives, such as malpractice so families can sue in the event something happens like yours Bambi, but you don't get off with nothing. Woman up and own your choice. If everything went wonderful, you'd be proud of your decision to homebirth.

I know many women who regret going to a hospital, to only be forced with a c-section, episiotomies, etc..but they know it was their choice to go there!

Isn't that so sweet??

Bambi, no one is trying to make you feel guilty. Fact is fact, YOU hired her. It sucks. It sucks so very much.

I never said it was ALL your fault but you it wasn't all your midwife's fault either. I think you should go troll somewhere else, it's obvious how you feel and what you are trying to do on this page...

I am for informed birth whether that's at home, hospital, birth center, in the woods or wherever you so choose!

One comment here was made by a doula, the other two a woman who wants to be a CPM! This is how mothers with homebirth losses are talked to for daring to share their stories. If we wonder why there aren't more women speaking up, we can certainly look to the homebirth advocates themselves. Silence anyone who doesn't speak how you approve of. Sadly, I did share the link to my last post pouring my heart out over how I feel. Homebirth advocates WANT loss moms broken and weak, like them.

Yes, they really do say this stuff

I've spoken a few times on the crap said to homebirth loss moms who dare to speak up. I happened to of joined the facebook page for Business of Being Born. I shared my story and gave my spiel on CPM's, why they are dangerous, why they aren't comparable to European midwives, etc. Of course, we are called trolls because we don't clamor about how changed our lives were due to that docrapumentary and actually share real facts. Very few pwople have stood up to say "Hey, this other side needs to be shown instead of begging for the banning of these women". Yes, someone actually called for us to be banned from the page. For sharing facts! This really proves that advocates cannot handle dissenting opinion. The anger is comical. Now, I did get angry. Why?? Perhaps these statements will shed some light onto why some of us are so angry and this is really what we are up against when we choose to speak up

Your daughter probably would have lived if born in a hospital, or maybe the nurse/doctor there would have been in a rush and missed the signs....maybe you should have thought about all those risks BEFORE deciding to have a homebirth. Maybe you should have brushed up on the signs of not breathing and distress etc. Any mother that has a home birth should know the warning signs and seek help ASAP.

You need to accept some blame for this, or else you will never heal.

Just like we shouldn't put all our trust into our doctor, we shouldn't put all our trust into our midwives, no matter what initials come after their name. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR family at the end of the day. You chose where you wanted to birth, not anyone else.

I do agree that there should be some liability for midwives, such as malpractice so families can sue in the event something happens like yours Bambi, but you don't get off with nothing. Woman up and own your choice. If everything went wonderful, you'd be proud of your decision to homebirth.

I know many women who regret going to a hospital, to only be forced with a c-section, episiotomies, etc..but they know it was their choice to go there!

Isn't that so sweet??

Bambi, no one is trying to make you feel guilty. Fact is fact, YOU hired her. It sucks. It sucks so very much.

I never said it was ALL your fault but you it wasn't all your midwife's fault either. I think you should go troll somewhere else, it's obvious how you feel and what you are trying to do on this page...

I am for informed birth whether that's at home, hospital, birth center, in the woods or wherever you so choose!

One comment here was made by a doula, the other two a woman who wants to be a CPM! This is how mothers with homebirth losses are talked to for daring to share their stories. If we wonder why there aren't more women speaking up, we can certainly look to the homebirth advocates themselves. Silence anyone who doesn't speak how you approve of. Sadly, I did share the link to my last post pouring my heart out over how I feel. Homebirth advocates WANT loss moms broken and weak, like them.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Angel Stella's Story


This is Stella's story, written by her mother Krystal:

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd, and what we were calling, our last addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural home birth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there)
The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appmt. and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, any day. I prepped the birth pool and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
Thursday morning i woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am DH woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and I decided to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since i woke so i started playing with my belly, still no movement. DS woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15 when I placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 I was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am I talked with the nurse and she insisted I come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There I met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins and I was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a Doppler. Baby's HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine when DH arrived. We sat for a min listening to the sweet sound of our child's heartbeat feeling relieved she was still kicking it in there. Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. Suddenly the machine started alarming and DH went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, stared an IV, and hooked up the monitors again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dilated. Not favorable for induction. The baby's HB then again went from 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. she sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and I would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off I went into surgery. This was at 11:15am I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. I prayed.
Then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, i couldn't open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I remember seeing DH on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me. The Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.



All i could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to DH sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
It took me a long time to talk at all, even to DH. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Drs and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. how helpless he felt not being able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occurring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started waring off, I felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasn't in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a separate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
I told the nurses that I didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one i wanted to see but DH. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.


We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curly hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell I will never forget.
DH held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.





I couldn't understand how a child so perfect couldn't be living, breathing, crying, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why.
Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and i am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as i prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did i do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on Friday as well. I am glad i could see them, for they've been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do.
By Saturday I had to get strong, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, i am hoping i can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They brought that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.
I had contacted my MW asking for our money back that we paid her for the home birth the day before as well as letting her know about Stella's service. She had not tried contacting me or tried visiting us at all Since the day i called he in distress. She ended up sending the check back wrapped in scrap paper tore from a notebook with not even a note written on it. She never sent a card of condolence or attend my daughters service. After 5 1/2 months she not once tried contacting me or try sending any kind of bereavement information. She bailed 100% and acted like me had never existed.

I contacted her through email with this note:
Rosemary,

I wanted to write you and get a few things off of my chest. I have been having a really hard time coping with this loss and i feel the way you handled our situation was completely unacceptable and unprofessional. I had so much trust in you and felt very close friendship with you as well. I had always dreamed of having a home birth and a close friend like relationship with the care provider that would accompany us at our home durring the birth of our child. I felt i had found that in you durring my entire pregnancy & I expected if things were to go awry, that you would be there for me. You told my husband and I, that in care of transfer or emergency, that you would be there for us by our sides in the hospital. You were not. I also expected, with you being a mother of 9 children yourself, that you would have the compassion to send at least a note of sympathy or card of condolence. When i received the check back just wrapped in a piece of paper tore from a notebook with not even a single word written on it, my heart, or what was left of it at the time, shattered along with all of my dreams and expectations of this entire experience. I begged and pleaded with Matt to have this home birthing experience, and the turn out was even WORSE that i could have EVER IMAGINED and how you "handled" the situation, made it all that much harder on us both. I would expect a professional midwife to take the initiative to be there for her patients in the good times and the bad. You could have also joined us for the service or sent a card of sympathy. When you didn't do a single thing i felt that you had lied to me the entire time i was entrusting you with our family. Like we didn't matter at all. I felt completely abandoned and still do. You could have also sent some bereavement information to let us know you care, and what we could expect from this disaster that has become our life.

I suggest and personally ask that as you carry on as a professional certified nurse midwife, that God forbid in the event that another family has to endure the tragedy of stillbirth, you would show more compassion and care in you dealings with them. I am not sure if i was the first experience of stillbirth you have encountered in your career, but i know i will surely NOT be the last with the rates of this occurring. You should really think about how to handle situations like this in a more professional and compassionate manner. Such as sending out information on bereavement, attending the service and helping them through the grief. I am also hoping this letter may have opened your eyes to this tragedy and how it truely effected me and my family, and that you learn to deal with this kind of situation in a more professional manner. I would also like to know why you decided to act in the manner that you did? Why did you just seem to dissappear and leave us alone in this grief? Maybe in knowing this and expressing my feelings to you i will be able to move on in my grief.
Was this too much to expect from a midwife i trusted and felt was also a friend.
Sincerely,

~Krystal

She wrote me back a few days later with nothing but a ton of lame excuses and not even once on that letter did she extend any kind of condolence to the fact that my daughter DIED. The experience i wished and hoped for turned out to be the biggest disaster that engulfed my life. Had i made a better decision and stick it out with a professional my entire pregnancy, there may be a chance my daughter would still be here. The choice of wanting a home birth was selfish of me and it cost my daughters life and my MW could care less. I just pray that this doesnt happen to any other family with her practicing with such unprofessionalism. There were so many warning signs i now see she totally looked over though out my pregnancy with Stella. The day before i mentioned to her that Stella was not moving like she normally does and she brushed it off like she had dropped and was ready to join us. She had her midwife in training do the entire appointment that day when she should have been looking into Stella's condition herself. The next day, not even 24 hours later my daughter was dead. If only she wouldve used the protocols for non moving babies and listened to Stella's HB for 15 mins even, i bet she wouldve found concern and sent me in for a NST, and my daughter could be here and alive and almost 6 months old. But no. That is not how it works when MWs think everything is always OK. Stillbirth and complications are FAR TOO common and should never be brushed off. Women and families need to know the facts and stop thinking everything will always be OK, because its not, more than 1 in 115 births end in stillbirth, that is about 70 families a day...now add in the statistics of complications and it is staggering. I wouldn't put my child into a car with out a belt or car seat because just maybe we will have an accident, so why did i feel it was OK to birth at home and let an "inexperienced" MW (she claimed to be a CNW with loads of experience but showed her true colors after the fact) deal with my pregnancy and delivery? It was like riding with no seat belt and we were the ones who got into the crash.



Krystal blogs at My Star In Heaven. Please go over and show her some love and support!!

Angel Stella's Story


This is Stella's story, written by her mother Krystal:

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd, and what we were calling, our last addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural home birth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there)
The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appmt. and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, any day. I prepped the birth pool and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
Thursday morning i woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am DH woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and I decided to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since i woke so i started playing with my belly, still no movement. DS woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15 when I placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 I was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am I talked with the nurse and she insisted I come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There I met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins and I was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a Doppler. Baby's HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine when DH arrived. We sat for a min listening to the sweet sound of our child's heartbeat feeling relieved she was still kicking it in there. Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. Suddenly the machine started alarming and DH went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, stared an IV, and hooked up the monitors again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dilated. Not favorable for induction. The baby's HB then again went from 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. she sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and I would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off I went into surgery. This was at 11:15am I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. I prayed.
Then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, i couldn't open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I remember seeing DH on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me. The Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.



All i could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to DH sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
It took me a long time to talk at all, even to DH. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Drs and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. how helpless he felt not being able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occurring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started waring off, I felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasn't in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a separate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
I told the nurses that I didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one i wanted to see but DH. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.


We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curly hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell I will never forget.
DH held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.





I couldn't understand how a child so perfect couldn't be living, breathing, crying, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why.
Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and i am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as i prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did i do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on Friday as well. I am glad i could see them, for they've been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do.
By Saturday I had to get strong, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, i am hoping i can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They brought that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.
I had contacted my MW asking for our money back that we paid her for the home birth the day before as well as letting her know about Stella's service. She had not tried contacting me or tried visiting us at all Since the day i called he in distress. She ended up sending the check back wrapped in scrap paper tore from a notebook with not even a note written on it. She never sent a card of condolence or attend my daughters service. After 5 1/2 months she not once tried contacting me or try sending any kind of bereavement information. She bailed 100% and acted like me had never existed.

I contacted her through email with this note:
Rosemary,

I wanted to write you and get a few things off of my chest. I have been having a really hard time coping with this loss and i feel the way you handled our situation was completely unacceptable and unprofessional. I had so much trust in you and felt very close friendship with you as well. I had always dreamed of having a home birth and a close friend like relationship with the care provider that would accompany us at our home durring the birth of our child. I felt i had found that in you durring my entire pregnancy & I expected if things were to go awry, that you would be there for me. You told my husband and I, that in care of transfer or emergency, that you would be there for us by our sides in the hospital. You were not. I also expected, with you being a mother of 9 children yourself, that you would have the compassion to send at least a note of sympathy or card of condolence. When i received the check back just wrapped in a piece of paper tore from a notebook with not even a single word written on it, my heart, or what was left of it at the time, shattered along with all of my dreams and expectations of this entire experience. I begged and pleaded with Matt to have this home birthing experience, and the turn out was even WORSE that i could have EVER IMAGINED and how you "handled" the situation, made it all that much harder on us both. I would expect a professional midwife to take the initiative to be there for her patients in the good times and the bad. You could have also joined us for the service or sent a card of sympathy. When you didn't do a single thing i felt that you had lied to me the entire time i was entrusting you with our family. Like we didn't matter at all. I felt completely abandoned and still do. You could have also sent some bereavement information to let us know you care, and what we could expect from this disaster that has become our life.

I suggest and personally ask that as you carry on as a professional certified nurse midwife, that God forbid in the event that another family has to endure the tragedy of stillbirth, you would show more compassion and care in you dealings with them. I am not sure if i was the first experience of stillbirth you have encountered in your career, but i know i will surely NOT be the last with the rates of this occurring. You should really think about how to handle situations like this in a more professional and compassionate manner. Such as sending out information on bereavement, attending the service and helping them through the grief. I am also hoping this letter may have opened your eyes to this tragedy and how it truely effected me and my family, and that you learn to deal with this kind of situation in a more professional manner. I would also like to know why you decided to act in the manner that you did? Why did you just seem to dissappear and leave us alone in this grief? Maybe in knowing this and expressing my feelings to you i will be able to move on in my grief.
Was this too much to expect from a midwife i trusted and felt was also a friend.
Sincerely,

~Krystal

She wrote me back a few days later with nothing but a ton of lame excuses and not even once on that letter did she extend any kind of condolence to the fact that my daughter DIED. The experience i wished and hoped for turned out to be the biggest disaster that engulfed my life. Had i made a better decision and stick it out with a professional my entire pregnancy, there may be a chance my daughter would still be here. The choice of wanting a home birth was selfish of me and it cost my daughters life and my MW could care less. I just pray that this doesnt happen to any other family with her practicing with such unprofessionalism. There were so many warning signs i now see she totally looked over though out my pregnancy with Stella. The day before i mentioned to her that Stella was not moving like she normally does and she brushed it off like she had dropped and was ready to join us. She had her midwife in training do the entire appointment that day when she should have been looking into Stella's condition herself. The next day, not even 24 hours later my daughter was dead. If only she wouldve used the protocols for non moving babies and listened to Stella's HB for 15 mins even, i bet she wouldve found concern and sent me in for a NST, and my daughter could be here and alive and almost 6 months old. But no. That is not how it works when MWs think everything is always OK. Stillbirth and complications are FAR TOO common and should never be brushed off. Women and families need to know the facts and stop thinking everything will always be OK, because its not, more than 1 in 115 births end in stillbirth, that is about 70 families a day...now add in the statistics of complications and it is staggering. I wouldn't put my child into a car with out a belt or car seat because just maybe we will have an accident, so why did i feel it was OK to birth at home and let an "inexperienced" MW (she claimed to be a CNW with loads of experience but showed her true colors after the fact) deal with my pregnancy and delivery? It was like riding with no seat belt and we were the ones who got into the crash.



Krystal blogs at My Star In Heaven. Please go over and show her some love and support!!

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Midwives and their supporters really care!

Looking at the recent events in Virginia, soon to be Maryland too, it leads me to really think about things. Here we have a woman, Karen Carr, who feels a passion to become a midwife due to her c-section. We all have passions for things we do. My husband became passionate about sick babies, so he has chosen to go to nursing school. I am passionate about helping parents, so I am active with my support group and involved with local perinatal bereavement programs at the hospitals around here. We care because we had a baby that died.

Midwives, like Carr, have a passion, but are unwilling to make that passion become an admirable or even respectable endeavor. They want to get out there and deliver babies, but, do not want to spend the time or energy to actually get educated or trained. This is how much they care about women and babies. Instead of looking at WHY laws are the way they are when it comes to midwifery, they stick their tongue out and say they are going to do what they want regardless. They couldn't possibly understand that laws exist to protect the public. Why do they need protecting?? Because CPM's are not educated or trained.

Let's look at how we are spoon fed the line about homebirths being as safe or safer than hospital births. On one hand we have CDC Statistics showing a 3X higher risk of babies dying while on the other, we have MANA who refuses to release numbers. We have Melissa Cheyney, who accepted $53K in grant money from two organizations to help with MANAstats between fall 2008 and spring 2010, that sits on the board for the Oregon Midwifery Council and MANA, that wants oregon midwives to report to MANA. Let's look at this- One woman deciding that all members of this group share numbers and information with another organization that she is paid to help play with their numbers, that they then refuse to release. Sounds like she gets a hefty paycheck helping MANA hide their numbers. If they really cared about women, they would say "Here are the numbers". It isn't hard to do. Why not have a site like CDC Wonder allowing us to see transfers, VBAC, Twins, deaths and when they occured, breech, etc? Why don't homebirth advocates ask the questions about midwives and homebirths as they do about hospitals and OB's? Why is it acceptable for midwifery organizations to refuse to share information with the people they are trying to help? Simply put, because they really don't care about the advocates. They know these women are weak and will believe anything they say. They prey upon this weakness. We know Melissa has made a pretty penny here, so maybe we should look at the rest of the people involved with MANA. From the looks of it, since 2004, MANA has received 18 grants from the Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery. That foundation also gave money to the authors of the infamous BMJ study, actually both years before it's release and then again a year after it's release. I'm thinking these people care more about money than they do women or babies. After all, if they cared, there wouldn't be all this money wasted on an organization that doesn't really do anything besides sit there spouting the same nonsense that they always have.

What about dead babies, who cares for them?? Good question. I would certainly say their parents and those who warn against the dangers that CPM's pose. Look at Karen Carr and Amy Medwin. Hell., look at my midwife, Brenda Newport and Faith Beltz, midwife presiding over the death of Liz P's baby. All of these midwives just chalked it up to a loss and moved on. My midwife didn't care until she knew she was at risk for being arrested, then again when she learned we filed a complaint and had information in hand. That was as far as her caring went. Midwives care when they feel they stand to lose something. That's it. Homebirth advocates, they don't care. I recently did a piece on the attitudes and things said that can outline this better. Suffice it to say, again, they don't care. As far as they are concerned, it would of happened regardless or it's your fault. They will only support you if you pretend the midwife and/or location had nothing to do with it, so you have to act like you don't care and don't talk about the circumstances, ever. Would anyone who really cared treat a homebirth loss mom like that?? No, not hardly. They would pissed as all get out that an innocent baby died. They wouldn't want to see that midwife risking lives all over. We now know Carr had two deaths within a three month time span. Advocates still think this is ok and no big deal. There are 2 dead babies out of her 135 from last year. What about all the years prior? Medwin had two dead babies a month apart! Even Melissa dismissed a complaint brought forth by parents when their baby died!! If advocates and midwives really cared, this wouldn't be so commonplace nor would it be so accepted.

What happens when there are preventable hospital losses? A) There are investigations done into conduct. People are disciplined accordingly. Doctors are sued. You won't find a doctor telling parents "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too" and then chit chatting their buddy saying "Next time, make sure you write down this BP, now go enjoy yourself". B) They look into and even do change policies. They don't want these things to happen again. It's called learning from experience. They aren't going to, again, say "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too". One preventable loss is one loss too many to doctors and hospitals. If they screw up, they want to fix it.

So, do midwives or advocates really care about women/babies?? Better yet, what have they done to show they care?

Midwives and their supporters really care!

Looking at the recent events in Virginia, soon to be Maryland too, it leads me to really think about things. Here we have a woman, Karen Carr, who feels a passion to become a midwife due to her c-section. We all have passions for things we do. My husband became passionate about sick babies, so he has chosen to go to nursing school. I am passionate about helping parents, so I am active with my support group and involved with local perinatal bereavement programs at the hospitals around here. We care because we had a baby that died.

Midwives, like Carr, have a passion, but are unwilling to make that passion become an admirable or even respectable endeavor. They want to get out there and deliver babies, but, do not want to spend the time or energy to actually get educated or trained. This is how much they care about women and babies. Instead of looking at WHY laws are the way they are when it comes to midwifery, they stick their tongue out and say they are going to do what they want regardless. They couldn't possibly understand that laws exist to protect the public. Why do they need protecting?? Because CPM's are not educated or trained.

Let's look at how we are spoon fed the line about homebirths being as safe or safer than hospital births. On one hand we have CDC Statistics showing a 3X higher risk of babies dying while on the other, we have MANA who refuses to release numbers. We have Melissa Cheyney, who accepted $53K in grant money from two organizations to help with MANAstats between fall 2008 and spring 2010, that sits on the board for the Oregon Midwifery Council and MANA, that wants oregon midwives to report to MANA. Let's look at this- One woman deciding that all members of this group share numbers and information with another organization that she is paid to help play with their numbers, that they then refuse to release. Sounds like she gets a hefty paycheck helping MANA hide their numbers. If they really cared about women, they would say "Here are the numbers". It isn't hard to do. Why not have a site like CDC Wonder allowing us to see transfers, VBAC, Twins, deaths and when they occured, breech, etc? Why don't homebirth advocates ask the questions about midwives and homebirths as they do about hospitals and OB's? Why is it acceptable for midwifery organizations to refuse to share information with the people they are trying to help? Simply put, because they really don't care about the advocates. They know these women are weak and will believe anything they say. They prey upon this weakness. We know Melissa has made a pretty penny here, so maybe we should look at the rest of the people involved with MANA. From the looks of it, since 2004, MANA has received 18 grants from the Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery. That foundation also gave money to the authors of the infamous BMJ study, actually both years before it's release and then again a year after it's release. I'm thinking these people care more about money than they do women or babies. After all, if they cared, there wouldn't be all this money wasted on an organization that doesn't really do anything besides sit there spouting the same nonsense that they always have.

What about dead babies, who cares for them?? Good question. I would certainly say their parents and those who warn against the dangers that CPM's pose. Look at Karen Carr and Amy Medwin. Hell., look at my midwife, Brenda Newport and Faith Beltz, midwife presiding over the death of Liz P's baby. All of these midwives just chalked it up to a loss and moved on. My midwife didn't care until she knew she was at risk for being arrested, then again when she learned we filed a complaint and had information in hand. That was as far as her caring went. Midwives care when they feel they stand to lose something. That's it. Homebirth advocates, they don't care. I recently did a piece on the attitudes and things said that can outline this better. Suffice it to say, again, they don't care. As far as they are concerned, it would of happened regardless or it's your fault. They will only support you if you pretend the midwife and/or location had nothing to do with it, so you have to act like you don't care and don't talk about the circumstances, ever. Would anyone who really cared treat a homebirth loss mom like that?? No, not hardly. They would pissed as all get out that an innocent baby died. They wouldn't want to see that midwife risking lives all over. We now know Carr had two deaths within a three month time span. Advocates still think this is ok and no big deal. There are 2 dead babies out of her 135 from last year. What about all the years prior? Medwin had two dead babies a month apart! Even Melissa dismissed a complaint brought forth by parents when their baby died!! If advocates and midwives really cared, this wouldn't be so commonplace nor would it be so accepted.

What happens when there are preventable hospital losses? A) There are investigations done into conduct. People are disciplined accordingly. Doctors are sued. You won't find a doctor telling parents "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too" and then chit chatting their buddy saying "Next time, make sure you write down this BP, now go enjoy yourself". B) They look into and even do change policies. They don't want these things to happen again. It's called learning from experience. They aren't going to, again, say "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too". One preventable loss is one loss too many to doctors and hospitals. If they screw up, they want to fix it.

So, do midwives or advocates really care about women/babies?? Better yet, what have they done to show they care?

Friday, April 29, 2011

Priorities?

I normally don't write a lot because I usually need quite a bit of motivation. With today being friday, it's been a lazy day. I've watched the younger two girls play, played with them, made food, and took Ireland on a million trips to the potty (with no accidents). Course, I got to sit down and just read. As I was reading Dr. Amy's latest entry, there was a link provided to a message board where a mother shared her story of trying to labor then suddenly being rushed to the OR only to be administered general and sectioned without her consent. Her and the baby both ended up fine.

There are so many things that do not sit well with me here. Bear with me.

1. People are encouraging her to call the police to report this. Yet, when a homebirth goes south and a midwife screws up and a baby ends up dead, they want the police to leave the midwife alone!

2. People are yelling for this woman to sue. Yet, they support midwives being untouchable and don't believe they should be sued. They also scream that people need to stop filing lawsuits because they drive up medical costs.

3. This mother is seriously supported. Yet, they are the first ones to cast stones at mothers who lose babies due to negligent midwives.

4. This mom is encouraged to go to the media and share her story. Yet, those of us harmed by midwives need to just go hide under a rock.

5. They use this ONE story to tell women that this happens daily in hospitals across the USA. Yet, if we (yes, WE) warn, we are accussed of fear-mongering and they deny that midwives are negligent.

6. All those involved in this woman's care should lose their licenses. Yet, midwives shouldn't. Again, this woman's child is ALIVE, while our babies are all DEAD.

7. All medical personnel change your women's records so the real reasons for c-section seem legitimate. Yet, if we state our records were changed, nobody believes us.

8. It is a huge deal that she lost her birth. Yet, no biggie that we lost our children.

It really bothers me that women will latch onto something like this but not care about what women like me or Liz or Erin have been through. They take this and run, but our stories need to be silenced. Is it just me or is there something seriously lacking in these ladies priorities. I do know how many of these women behave because they are the same ones who would give me crap over what happened to me. Interesting, isn't it??

Priorities?

I normally don't write a lot because I usually need quite a bit of motivation. With today being friday, it's been a lazy day. I've watched the younger two girls play, played with them, made food, and took Ireland on a million trips to the potty (with no accidents). Course, I got to sit down and just read. As I was reading Dr. Amy's latest entry, there was a link provided to a message board where a mother shared her story of trying to labor then suddenly being rushed to the OR only to be administered general and sectioned without her consent. Her and the baby both ended up fine.

There are so many things that do not sit well with me here. Bear with me.

1. People are encouraging her to call the police to report this. Yet, when a homebirth goes south and a midwife screws up and a baby ends up dead, they want the police to leave the midwife alone!

2. People are yelling for this woman to sue. Yet, they support midwives being untouchable and don't believe they should be sued. They also scream that people need to stop filing lawsuits because they drive up medical costs.

3. This mother is seriously supported. Yet, they are the first ones to cast stones at mothers who lose babies due to negligent midwives.

4. This mom is encouraged to go to the media and share her story. Yet, those of us harmed by midwives need to just go hide under a rock.

5. They use this ONE story to tell women that this happens daily in hospitals across the USA. Yet, if we (yes, WE) warn, we are accussed of fear-mongering and they deny that midwives are negligent.

6. All those involved in this woman's care should lose their licenses. Yet, midwives shouldn't. Again, this woman's child is ALIVE, while our babies are all DEAD.

7. All medical personnel change your women's records so the real reasons for c-section seem legitimate. Yet, if we state our records were changed, nobody believes us.

8. It is a huge deal that she lost her birth. Yet, no biggie that we lost our children.

It really bothers me that women will latch onto something like this but not care about what women like me or Liz or Erin have been through. They take this and run, but our stories need to be silenced. Is it just me or is there something seriously lacking in these ladies priorities. I do know how many of these women behave because they are the same ones who would give me crap over what happened to me. Interesting, isn't it??

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The nerve

By now, I think we all know who The Mama Tao is. She is the crunchiest of all crunchies. Some of the things posted, you have to wonder, "Is this chick for real?". The messed up thing is that this isn't just one blogger. This is an entire group that is promoting very dangerous and just purely stupid advice! I usually just let things/bloggers go and pay them no mind. However, after my last blog, one of Mama Tao's minions decided to attack all of us homebirth loss moms and it's ridiculous. Why can't we speak up??? She encourages people to treat us badly. We are good enough to support until we say that the birth location had anything to do with it!

The nerve

By now, I think we all know who The Mama Tao is. She is the crunchiest of all crunchies. Some of the things posted, you have to wonder, "Is this chick for real?". The messed up thing is that this isn't just one blogger. This is an entire group that is promoting very dangerous and just purely stupid advice! I usually just let things/bloggers go and pay them no mind. However, after my last blog, one of Mama Tao's minions decided to attack all of us homebirth loss moms and it's ridiculous. Why can't we speak up??? She encourages people to treat us badly. We are good enough to support until we say that the birth location had anything to do with it!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's all about me part 1



As I have shared many times on this blog, the risk of death for babies is higher at home than in the hospital. Most homebirth mothers never think it will happen to them. I never thought I would have my child die. Even as I sat outside that emergency area, I thought “This can’t be happening”. I had had 5 other children and all was fine. I was healthy, ate right, steered clear of anything harmful, etc. I did everything right so how could my baby die? After learning that the homebirth did play a part In her death, I started looking at information I refused to see before.

Lots of us lost our babies. Some of us learned from our mistakes and gave our next children the best possible start by using REAL medical professionals and getting REAL medical care. We learned that birth experiences were unimportant and that our children mattered more. We go through hell to have our rainbow babies.

Sadly, some mothers do not place their baby above their experience. I watched a conversation on Mothering in which a person posted this:

I think we hear a lot of "my birth", "my choices", "my body", etc. I get this. I also understand that having had a really positive hospital birth experience, I don't necessarily have the same insight or perspective as those who have felt taken advantage of by OBs, hospitals, or some aspect of the medical system. I don't have the personal experience to draw from, and can't imagine what it must feel like to lose control at such a crucial time. But I'm always left wondering, what about the baby? Isn't the outcome, not the experience, what's most important? The choices of the patient should be important, yes, but maybe not "above all". Ask any of the brave and wonderful moms on here who are sharing their stories of loss and/or damage - what a c-section can save, an episiotomy, EFM . . . .Safety of mom and of her child, the ability to survive birth without permanent damage, should be the "above all". This of course, puts us in some pretty murky territory, but I thought I'd share those thoughts anyway.

One of the mothers who delivered a stillborn baby boy after a HBA3C attempt replied

Even above the mom's physical autonomy? No. It shouldn't. And, I say that as someone who has lost a child, who might have been saved had I made different choices. He didn't deserve to die. But, I didn't deserve the damage that's been done to me, and that may have ultimately caused his death, either

So, her child died and she knows her choice killed her baby, but her desire for a homebirth was more important. However, the dr who gave her that first c-section is more at fault because the c-section damaged her.

Looking around online, you will find some mothers that don’t seem to care that their child has died. Yeah, it sucks looking in the mirror knowing your choice led to your child’s death. Why is that?? We loved our babies and really thought we were doing what was best for them. I wish I knew why these other mothers care more about themselves. As a mother, you don’t put your experience over your child’s health.

Check this out:

Kat had this to say, Feb 18, 2011 @ 9:45 am Kat(Quote)

I had a midwife for my 4th child’s birth, and we did just fine.

I had a midwife for my 5th birth and the baby died (surprise footling breech, partly complicated by the midwife freaking and being inexperienced, and partly just because footling breech IS more dangerous than frank breech).

Did I feel guilty about my baby’s death? Yep. EVERY parent feels that even if it was not humanly possible for them to have changed the outcome in any way.

A few weeks after my baby died, a friend called me, and related that she had just met someone whose first child died due to the EXACT same situation that took my son from me. But she was in the hospital for her entire labor. Did my friend know how great a comfort it was to hear that? Probably not, but it was EXACTLY what I needed to know at that time.

Babies sometimes die. Sometimes in retrospect it could have been prevented, sometimes not. Birth is as safe as life gets, and planned attended homebirth with a qualified experienced attendant is no more dangerous than hospital birth for low risk women. No amount of made up scare tactics is going to change that.

And this

Kathryn Reply:

February 18th, 2011 at 11:29 am Kathryn(Quote)

I’m sorry for your loss.

I also had a surprise footling breech at home (with cord prolapse). We lost him as well.

I also know someone in a situation similar to mine who lost their baby in the hospital. Sometimes you just cannot predict what the outcome will be.

The doctor who delivered me and 3 of my siblings also lost a baby during birth. No one is completely insulated from death, even doctors

And

His birth and death have taught me a lot. First of all, not to judge other people's decisions on where to birth. I always thought that women who birthed in the hospital didn't trust their bodies, etc., etc., etc. Now I know that some people just don't want to take any risks. While I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am at peace with my son's passing, I think that every mom who considers having a UC should be aware of the possibility of things going drastically wrong and/or losing her baby. It is a risk that we all take, but for me it wasn't something I ever thought could really happen. My worst case scenario was that I would end up in the hospital with a c-section.


My intent is not to scare anyone out of having a UC, but to make everyone aware that the risks are REAL, and to say that if you couldn't face your decision to UC if your baby died, you should rethink it.


I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one. I believe that no matter where I gave birth, if my baby was meant to die, it would have happened one way or the other. And I am proud that I was able to give him a gentle birth into his parents bed, surrounded only by relatives, those who love him most, even in death. I see this experience as a gift that my son gave me; to realize how precious life really is and to know that every baby that is born alive and healthy is a true miracle. I have learned to be so much less judgemental of others and to see that everyone is in their perfect process wherever they are in life and wherever they choose to birth. It is not our place to judge, only to learn and be grateful. I learn more and find more gifts and blessings through my son's birth and death every day. I am truly grateful.

What kind of mother doesn’t question herself? What kind doesn’t care that her choice killed her baby? Look at Janet Fraser, her baby died during a 5 day labor. Yet her c-section birth traumatized her and left scars. Laura Shanley, watched her baby die without bothering to get any help. She knew her baby needed help. She succeeded in getting her birth and let her baby die. Even now, she does not talk about this baby! Rixa Freeze recently recorded her labor. Baby Inga was born then stopped breathing, went blue, and went floppy. Mom just gave her a few breaths and then the baby perked up. After the midwife assistant arrived, Rixa was more concerned with the assistant blocking the camera and affecting the juju than the fact that her baby needed to be looked over. Other moms decide that their baby would of died regardless and they want the birth they deserve. As if their baby doesn’t deserve to live. Nice!

Perhaps these “mothers” should just stop having kids once they get a dead one. If this baby didn’t matter, obviously no others will either. They are horrid excuses for mothers. Ironically enough, these are the same “I have to breastfeed till high school and RF till college” mothers. After all, Rear facing saves so many lives and she wants her baby to survive a car accident in case they are in that minute percentage who gets in an accident!



Part 2 comig soon

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