Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Looking for

Mothers of Angels who live here in Ohio. I have started a myspace group and set up a profile as well.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Children are a blessing

As a grieving mother, I want people to see just how precious their children are and to act like it. If there is one thing that I want to come out of Mary's death, it is for a lightbulb moment to happen and someone take a look at their child and decide that they will do their very best for them.

1. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.
2. Please do not do any kind of drug. They are illegal for a reason.
3. Put down the cigarettes. for starters, cigarette smoke actualy kills spots of the placenta which leads to there being less nutrients for your growing baby. Essentially, you are starving your un born child. I use to smoke and know how addicting it is. But, as a mother, your kids come before you do!! If you are going to smoke, please do it away from your children. NO child should have to breathe that crap in. You are pretty much abusing your child by subjecting it to secondhand smoke.
4. Do not cuss at your children! I think that is pretty self explanatory.
5. Don't hit your children. A swat on the butt or a smack on the hand or mouth is understandable. However, to constantly be hitting, is abuse and it's wrong.
6. Never tell your child things like you hate them, wish they were dead, call them names, say you wish they lived with another person, etc. Speak love at all times.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Getting into the swing of things

I should be getting ready to go grocery shopping. This blog stuff is addicting. I redid my whole layout today. It's alot of pink!! I kinda like it though. Next layout will be a lighthouse one. should download some psp stuff for it. I'm considering doing up a blog for the scrapbook freebies and possibly another for layouts. Not quite sure how that would work though!!

Sunday we are having dinner with my mom and dad. I think we've decided on Quaker steak and Lube. Dad and dh want somewhere that have sunday sales as this whole thing will be so we can all talk. My parents didn't do so well handling my sisters death, but, they do understand where we are. Plus, I've hit a really rough patch and everyone is worried, esp my dad. He has always been super protective. I am so blessed to have him!! I'm blessed to have my mom too!!

I think I may work on more of Mary's scrapbook (compliments of my friend Denise).

I'm off to go shopping. Have a nice weekend!

Monday, August 11, 2008

My daughters story

On June 4th 2008 I began laboring. I had already been having contractions for 6 days! Two weeks prior I had begun losing my plug, my body was cleaning itself out, and I was naueated. I brought these things to my midwife's attention. The plug wasn't a big deal because I know it can regenerate itself. She advised me to try and eat something and to stay hydrated. I began contracting somewhat regularly around 11am that morning. At 6pm I called my midwife to let her know I was contracting about every ten minutes. At 9pm, it had slowed down some so I let her know that. Around 3:30 am I decided to wake my husband up because things were getting closer. At 4:10am we called her to say it was definately time. Needless to say within twenty minutes, I felt like I had to push. My husband called medics and as soon as he hung up, our baby's head was born and he helped deliver the rest of her. Paramedics arrived on scene just moments later (we live near a fire department). They check us both and said we were fine. They wanted to wait until my midwife arrived before they left. She got here about 5:30. Mind you, it took us around 20 minutes to get to her home for my visits and that was in the evening on the tail end of rush hour. Why it took her almost and hour and a half to get here is beyond me. After she got here, she checked out my placenta and helped us into bed. She looked my daughter over. We brought up some concerns we had. For one, my daughter had what looked like bruising around her nose. We were told it was due to her coming so fast. We believed it. Then, my daughter made an odd noise in which we were told it was just mucus in her airways and it would clear up once she ate. We could NOT get her to show the slightest interest in nursing. I even had my husband go to the store and buy a bottle so I could pump some colostrum. My midwife knew she wouldn't eat and likened it to her just being tired. She also seemed very tired which was due to a long labor. we were told that due to her being a preemie, her body would be unable to regulate it's temperature so we needed to keep her skin to skin or bundled up. She was 36 1/2 weeks.

At 11am, my husband realized she had stopped making that noise. And realized she was no longer breathing. He brought her to me (I had laid down to nap). We called 911 and did cpr on her. Her heart wasn't beating and she was limp. At the hospital, they did all they could and at 11:34am, they stopped trying to get her back. I remember all these people in this room trying so hard while I sat outside and watched them. The social worker kept me updated on what they were doing. I was told at one point that they had given her three shots of epinephrine to try and get her heart going but if she responded she would be severly brain damaged. After they stopped, so many people were crying. They pulled out a glider rocker and wrapped her up in a blanket for me to hold. My husband arrived after this and was devastated. Our pastor came and baptised her. The social worker got handprints, footprints, and a lock of hair. A photographer affiliated with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures. Looking back, I wish I would of had all my other children brought to the hospital so we could have pictures of our entire family and all of our children together. Our daughter was laid to rest just 4 days later next to her great grandfather.

Friday, August 8, 2008

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.

Thursday, August 7, 2008


Just click on the image and it should take you to my download spot!!!

Eureka!

Since Mary passed, I have gotten into scrapbooking, both digital and traditional. When you go tryng to fnd stuff, it's very hard! So, I have made the decision to start making some elements on my own. I will try to have one thing a week or more to offer. I'm trying to learn how to make everything. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I'm going to try and figure out now how to get everything ready to be downloaded by people. Not real sure how that works!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Crazy Weekend!!

We have had a jam packed weekend!!!

Friday evening the kids stayed with Grandma and Grandpa while we went to dinner (ponderosa, yummy) and the fair. Neither of us had any desire to ride rides so we walked around and checked out all the animals. I got info from two different adoption places. I'm going to give it some more time before we pursue that avenue. If we want a sibling group, we would have to get a bigger vehicle. I really want another girl though. As we were leaving, we saw an ambulance with lights going and it just set off the water works. That hits me harder than seeing other babies or pregnant women. DH has the same reactions too. My heart just stops. After we got back to get the kids, my mom was surprised to see us. She figured we would be out until midnight or so. Yeah right, us out until midnight??? We were tired at 10pm!!

Yesterday was dh's work party at one of the local parks. It was vey fun. We were there from 10am until after 8pm!! The two youngest kids fell asleep on the way home and the older three stayed up until after I fell asleep. I was exhausted!! I also triggered on the way home. When we first learned of this day out, I was pregnant and thinking "How will we do this with all the kids and a newborn?" I was looking forward to one of our first family outings. It was another reminder that she is missing from our family.

Today is our day that we go see her. We do this every sunday. I have a few little things to take to her. We spoil her rotten!

I've been trying to get off my Zoloft, but, I don't think I can yet. Since I stopped taking it, I have been more moody and have alot more crying spells. I think I need to get back to taking it. I just don't want to spend my life medicated.

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