Helplessness in Parenting

          When we get pregnant, we see those two lines and immediately start dreaming about the future. We think of how our child will look, their personalities, all the things you get to do with them, names, celebrations with extended family, etc. We dream about it all. We take our vitamins, even if they make us puke. We avoid certain foods and chemicals so that our babies don't get sick. We do everything within our control to ensure our child is safe and healthy.


          What happens when something happens that we can't control? As I sat in the exam room with my 10 year old son yesterday, I couldn't help but think "I feel so helpless". We have done everything and yet here we are dealing with a second relapse with his eyes. We were free and clear, he had been looking perfect, and four days later, it was coming back again. His issues aren't life threatening, but it threatens his vision and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want my son to go blind and neither do his doctors, but this is beyond our control aside from medications and constant appointments. We can't magically fix what is going haywire in his little body.


          This leads me to think about everything and how we really have no control, as much as we like to think we do. It's scary. How can we do everything we can to care for and protect our children and have it still not work? Yeah, this is pretty depressing, but it's true, we are helpless here. It's a really sucky feeling.


          I think about parents whose children are dealing with deadly diseases or new parents watching their premature/sick infant fighting for it's life in a NICU or parents dealing with a severely handicapped child. How do they do it? What support do they have? What can we do to lend support? What can we do to raise awareness of some kind? Think about your strengths and how you can be a valuable asset to parents like these. Let's be there for one another so these parents aren't feeling so helpless. Let's lend them our strength just so they are a little stronger when facing another day. We need to do something! Parenting is divisive enough, so let's unite this way.

Weights are for girls too!

Hi, I'm Bambi, and I'm addicted to weightlifting. The above photo is one side of the leg press machine at my gym. There's a total of 400lbs on this bad boy! 

Let me back up here. My younger sister got married in May 2010. When I saw the pictures, I got so depressed about myself. I was the only fat bridesmaid and the dress definitely did not flatter me! That summer, I walked at least 3 miles a day and watched my calories. I lost 18lbs. Then, I fell off the wagon and gained most of that back. In March 2011, I decided to give it another go. This time, I lost 12lbs. Again, I fell off the wagon. 

Finally, in Feb 2012, I got a group of friends together online and we became accountable to one another. I took up pilates video's on Netflix and began counting calories. A few weeks later, we purchased a family membership at a local recreation center. I would go and just do cardio for an hour and a half five days a week. Then, I got curious and began using machines. That was pretty cool, so I did both. I still kept watching everyone in the weight section. One day, I threw caution to the wind and wandered over there. I've been there ever since. I only hit the treadmill so that I could get my running distance up to over a 5K in preparation for The Warrior Dash. I now only hit a treadmill when I'm in the mood for running!

Many, Many people hear "women weightlifters" and think of a male bodybuilder body with a woman's head attached. This is one of the largest fallacies out there. Female bodybuilders that are large are large due to them taking crap like steroids. Normal women do not get large. We get nice defined muscles! 

Since I began lifting, I've lost 30lbs and over 25 inches. I'm now a size 5! I never thought that I would be in this good of shape and I attribute it all to weightlifting. I encourage all women to lift. When I say lift, I do not mean the little plastic 3 to 10 pounders you see at the store. This means lift as heavy as you can that you can do a set of 8 to 10 reps. Also, if your breasts need a little pick me up, chest exercises are your best friend!

I truly love hitting the gym and doing everything the boys do, sometimes heavier and/or better. Mind you, I work out amongst men who have been lifting for years, men in law enforcement, professional bodybuilders, amateur wrestlers, and just regular guys . They challenge me in many ways, always pushing me to my physical limits. It's awesome!! 

Weights are for girls too!

Hi, I'm Bambi, and I'm addicted to weightlifting. The above photo is one side of the leg press machine at my gym. There's a total of 400lbs on this bad boy! 

Let me back up here. My younger sister got married in May 2010. When I saw the pictures, I got so depressed about myself. I was the only fat bridesmaid and the dress definitely did not flatter me! That summer, I walked at least 3 miles a day and watched my calories. I lost 18lbs. Then, I fell off the wagon and gained most of that back. In March 2011, I decided to give it another go. This time, I lost 12lbs. Again, I fell off the wagon. 

Finally, in Feb 2012, I got a group of friends together online and we became accountable to one another. I took up pilates video's on Netflix and began counting calories. A few weeks later, we purchased a family membership at a local recreation center. I would go and just do cardio for an hour and a half five days a week. Then, I got curious and began using machines. That was pretty cool, so I did both. I still kept watching everyone in the weight section. One day, I threw caution to the wind and wandered over there. I've been there ever since. I only hit the treadmill so that I could get my running distance up to over a 5K in preparation for The Warrior Dash. I now only hit a treadmill when I'm in the mood for running!

Many, Many people hear "women weightlifters" and think of a male bodybuilder body with a woman's head attached. This is one of the largest fallacies out there. Female bodybuilders that are large are large due to them taking crap like steroids. Normal women do not get large. We get nice defined muscles! 

Since I began lifting, I've lost 30lbs and over 25 inches. I'm now a size 5! I never thought that I would be in this good of shape and I attribute it all to weightlifting. I encourage all women to lift. When I say lift, I do not mean the little plastic 3 to 10 pounders you see at the store. This means lift as heavy as you can that you can do a set of 8 to 10 reps. Also, if your breasts need a little pick me up, chest exercises are your best friend!

I truly love hitting the gym and doing everything the boys do, sometimes heavier and/or better. Mind you, I work out amongst men who have been lifting for years, men in law enforcement, professional bodybuilders, amateur wrestlers, and just regular guys . They challenge me in many ways, always pushing me to my physical limits. It's awesome!! 

Meet my puppies!

I recently sat down and thought "what will I blog about now since I am switching gears?". I had said that I want readers to get to know me, so I'm going to take that and just go with it. I'm going to do a series of posts just sharing different things about myself!


Please meet my awesome pups! I love them to pieces!

 This is Savannah. She's a 12 year old border collie chow mix. I got her three months after Mary passed away. She was in bad shape and had some male aggression issues. Now, Savannah has the sweetest personality and is just wonderful. She has arthritis, but will get playful when the mood strikes! She loves being bathed and brushed, too. She's great!!

This is my Max. He is a 5 year old saint bernard. We've had him since August 2010. He's pretty well mannered, but tends to think he's about the size of a shitzu. This means he will get on my bed to sleep, jump on newcomers, try to lay on your lap, etc. He is a frequent visitor at the elementary school. The kids love him and he LOVES children. Luckily, he is a dry mouth, so the children aren't covered in slobber! Even teachers love seeing him.

This is Xena, our warrior princess, another saint. She was my weight loss/birthday gift. She actually came home four days before my birthday. In the first photo, she was one day shy of 5 weeks and was incredibly sick because, it turns out, the people who owned the mother was not taking proper care of mom or pups. She was a whole 3.3 lbs. When we got the initial call from the humane society in that county, we were told she wouldn't live through the weekend if we didn't remove her and get her vet care immediately. As you can see in the bottom photo, she is alive and healthy as can be and very happy! She still annoys my other dogs, but luckily, my mother has two large breed pups that Xena loves, so we have frequent playdates.

Meet my puppies!

I recently sat down and thought "what will I blog about now since I am switching gears?". I had said that I want readers to get to know me, so I'm going to take that and just go with it. I'm going to do a series of posts just sharing different things about myself!


Please meet my awesome pups! I love them to pieces!

 This is Savannah. She's a 12 year old border collie chow mix. I got her three months after Mary passed away. She was in bad shape and had some male aggression issues. Now, Savannah has the sweetest personality and is just wonderful. She has arthritis, but will get playful when the mood strikes! She loves being bathed and brushed, too. She's great!!

This is my Max. He is a 5 year old saint bernard. We've had him since August 2010. He's pretty well mannered, but tends to think he's about the size of a shitzu. This means he will get on my bed to sleep, jump on newcomers, try to lay on your lap, etc. He is a frequent visitor at the elementary school. The kids love him and he LOVES children. Luckily, he is a dry mouth, so the children aren't covered in slobber! Even teachers love seeing him.

This is Xena, our warrior princess, another saint. She was my weight loss/birthday gift. She actually came home four days before my birthday. In the first photo, she was one day shy of 5 weeks and was incredibly sick because, it turns out, the people who owned the mother was not taking proper care of mom or pups. She was a whole 3.3 lbs. When we got the initial call from the humane society in that county, we were told she wouldn't live through the weekend if we didn't remove her and get her vet care immediately. As you can see in the bottom photo, she is alive and healthy as can be and very happy! She still annoys my other dogs, but luckily, my mother has two large breed pups that Xena loves, so we have frequent playdates.

Having a Large Family

I grew up as the oldest in a large family. Sometimes it drove me crazy, but I loved it. So, when I met my husband, I just wanted that big family. He also wanted a large family as he came from one as well. We loved children and always seemed to be surrounded by them, so, this really came naturally.

Several times we flip flopped on the final number that we would have. Naturally. We finally came to a point where we felt that done feeling, but alas, our daughter passed away. That really threw us for a tailspin. We would go from trying to preventing to who knows every month. Luckily, Mary sent us her baby sister and we knew this child would be it. We just had that done feeling again.

We're happy to be able to close that chapter of our life so that we can focus on the ones being written now.

Having a Large Family

<p>I grew up as the oldest in a large family. Sometimes it drove me crazy, but I loved it. So, when I met my husband, I just wanted that big family. He also wanted a large family as he came from one as well. We loved children and always seemed to be surrounded by them, so, this really came naturally. </p>
<p>Several times we flip flopped on the final number that we would have. Naturally. We finally came to a point where we felt that done feeling, but alas, our daughter passed away. That really threw us for a tailspin. We would go from trying to preventing to who knows every month. Luckily, Mary sent us her baby sister and we knew this child would be it. We just had that done feeling again.

We're happy to be able to close that chapter of our life so that we can focus on the ones being written now.

Getting to know me

In my last post, I said that I wanted this blog to become more personal so people can get to know me. So, I want to invite you to ask me questions and I will answer them to the best of my ability.

Getting to know me

In my last post, I said that I wanted this blog to become more personal so people can get to know me. So, I want to invite you to ask me questions and I will answer them to the best of my ability.

Change is okay

I'm the kind of person who lives life trying to keep everything the same. Change is a very difficult concept for me. I make my family many of the same meals, listen to the same music/artists, wear the same shirts with a certain pair of jeans, have certain undies I wear with certain pants, order the same coffee when I have the chance to get it, etc. I'm set in my ways.

Over the past few months, I've realized the need for change and its been a battle. I've seen areas that were just no longer good for me. This constant homebirth battle has drained me so much. It's like my life was full of negativity all the time. I was hard nosed and I did stay tapped into a lot of negative emotions and the only person it hurt was me. I'm finally able to see that all of my anger was nothing more than depression and grief. I need to work through those somehow and need to surround myself with those who can help me facilitate some kind of healing. Part of this has been trying to look beyond what is on the surface and really searching my heart. This has been and will continue to be a very painful process. Who really wants to look at themselves and see fault? Not me! The fact is we all have them. Nobody is perfect and even in a hurtful situation, we can choose our reaction.

So, I'm going to take this time to apologize to others. I posted a blog a little while back saying I had no sympathy for parents who lost their babies and didn't blame either the midwife or homebirth. I am truly sorry for any feelings I hurt in doing that. I had no right to say that to anyone. Its not my place to question, only support, and I went too far. I should never of allowed my pain to overrule anything. I am also sorry to anyone I've hurt in my "raptor" activities. I know it brought a lot of crap on to myself and I wish I could go back and change it all. Several times I was told that I fed off the negativity and I said "no, this is me". Well, I was wrong. I did. That's not me, at least, not anymore.

So, I'm standing here asking to be given second chances, asking to be seen for who I am now. In regards to the fight, well, honestly, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love my daughter and hate what happened, but I need to go forward. Having faith in God, I don't believe that's what I'm suppose to be doing. I think it served a purpose for a little while, but that's not what I was suppose to keep doing. I began stepping back months ago and continued to have loss mother's brought across my path. This even happened when I took breaks and tried pursuing new activities. You know, when you are going to the gym and the women you keep meeting are loss moms, it is being orchestrated by a power larger than yourself. I shared this with Heidi and I think she's just been waiting for me to accept it. So, I have and I'm going to try to listen to what God's telling me.

I hurt more than I imagined I would, but I have faith that this change will be a blessing in my life, somehow. And in the meantime, I hope to share more of myself here on a personal level so people get to know me better.

Change is okay

I'm the kind of person who lives life trying to keep everything the same. Change is a very difficult concept for me. I make my family many of the same meals, listen to the same music/artists, wear the same shirts with a certain pair of jeans, have certain undies I wear with certain pants, order the same coffee when I have the chance to get it, etc. I'm set in my ways.

Over the past few months, I've realized the need for change and its been a battle. I've seen areas that were just no longer good for me. This constant homebirth battle has drained me so much. It's like my life was full of negativity all the time. I was hard nosed and I did stay tapped into a lot of negative emotions and the only person it hurt was me. I'm finally able to see that all of my anger was nothing more than depression and grief. I need to work through those somehow and need to surround myself with those who can help me facilitate some kind of healing. Part of this has been trying to look beyond what is on the surface and really searching my heart. This has been and will continue to be a very painful process. Who really wants to look at themselves and see fault? Not me! The fact is we all have them. Nobody is perfect and even in a hurtful situation, we can choose our reaction.

So, I'm going to take this time to apologize to others. I posted a blog a little while back saying I had no sympathy for parents who lost their babies and didn't blame either the midwife or homebirth. I am truly sorry for any feelings I hurt in doing that. I had no right to say that to anyone. Its not my place to question, only support, and I went too far. I should never of allowed my pain to overrule anything. I am also sorry to anyone I've hurt in my "raptor" activities. I know it brought a lot of crap on to myself and I wish I could go back and change it all. Several times I was told that I fed off the negativity and I said "no, this is me". Well, I was wrong. I did. That's not me, at least, not anymore.

So, I'm standing here asking to be given second chances, asking to be seen for who I am now. In regards to the fight, well, honestly, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love my daughter and hate what happened, but I need to go forward. Having faith in God, I don't believe that's what I'm suppose to be doing. I think it served a purpose for a little while, but that's not what I was suppose to keep doing. I began stepping back months ago and continued to have loss mother's brought across my path. This even happened when I took breaks and tried pursuing new activities. You know, when you are going to the gym and the women you keep meeting are loss moms, it is being orchestrated by a power larger than yourself. I shared this with Heidi and I think she's just been waiting for me to accept it. So, I have and I'm going to try to listen to what God's telling me.

I hurt more than I imagined I would, but I have faith that this change will be a blessing in my life, somehow. And in the meantime, I hope to share more of myself here on a personal level so people get to know me better.

Stillbirthday

E<p>Let me paint you a picture:</p>

<p>Around the first part of March 2011, one of the women I knew on Facebook shared with our group that she was pregnant. We were thrilled for her. Around 6 weeks later, we were discussing ultrasounds and she told us thank goodness for them because she had just learned her baby was dead. Holy cow, not what we were expecting to hear. So, we wrapped our arms around her. We stood beside her sharing all of our loss stories and trying to comfort her in the ways that we remembered helping us. </p>

<p>Shortly after, Heidi, decided that she really wanted to use her son's legacy as a way to help others. What could we do to help? We wanted to do everything in our power to help our friend. </p>

<p>She approached people about being doulas, both those interested and those already involved in the doula world. She set up a phenomenal website that included things that blew my mind! Many of us have given her our stories and pictures of our babies. Awesome, a way to remember and memorialize our children! Then she has the various birth plans. Let me tell you, I would of done many things different with my miscarriages if I knew! With the doula stuff, these women are there to help a mom through the loss. I can't even describe how flipping amazing that that is! Its an honor to hold a mothers hand and a blessing for that mother to have someone who wants to help her through that. Let's face it, too many people are scared of loss. Heidi also has the mentoring program that I am honored to be a part of. We talk to moms and share our journey and give them support after their losses. We talk about things that, honestly, only a loss mom would truly understand. Navigating life after loss is HARD, but having love and support makes it a little easier. I help others in my normal everyday life and it is an area where I know a difference is being made. I'm honored to stand beside a mother and say "I understand". I do cry for every mom and I do cry for myself and my losses. Not too long ago, I thought to myself, "I wish I had the life I was suppose to, this life is too hard". You know what? I'm glad I can be here doing what I do. I'm a believer in making something beautiful out of something ugly, and so I press on. I'm honored to do this for Stillbirthday and the women I've met. I truly wish hospitals and local support groups had this type of program.

Honestly, you really cannot go wrong with Stillbirthday! I recommend it to everyone! There is also a Facebook page. There is also a support group on Facebook, called Stillbirthday Support Group (my phone isn't copying the URL correctly, so this may not work right).

Stillbirthday

<p>E&lt;p&gt;Let me paint you a picture:&lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;Around the first part of March 2011, one of the women I knew on Facebook shared with our group that she was pregnant. We were thrilled for her. Around 6 weeks later, we were discussing ultrasounds and she told us thank goodness for them because she had just learned her baby was dead. Holy cow, not what we were expecting to hear. So, we wrapped our arms around her. We stood beside her sharing all of our loss stories and trying to comfort her in the ways that we remembered helping us. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;Shortly after, Heidi, decided that she really wanted to use her son's legacy as a way to help others. What could we do to help? We wanted to do everything in our power to help our friend. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;She approached people about being doulas, both those interested and those already involved in the doula world. She set up a phenomenal website that included things that blew my mind! Many of us have given her our stories and pictures of our babies. Awesome, a way to remember and memorialize our children! Then she has the various birth plans. Let me tell you, I would of done many things different with my miscarriages if I knew! With the doula stuff, these women are there to help a mom through the loss. I can't even describe how flipping amazing that that is! Its an honor to hold a mothers hand and a blessing for that mother to have someone who wants to help her through that. Let's face it, too many people are scared of loss. Heidi also has the mentoring program that I am honored to be a part of. We talk to moms and share our journey and give them support after their losses. We talk about things that, honestly, only a loss mom would truly understand. Navigating life after loss is HARD, but having love and support makes it a little easier. I help others in my normal everyday life and it is an area where I know a difference is being made. I'm honored to stand beside a mother and say "I understand". I do cry for every mom and I do cry for myself and my losses. Not too long ago, I thought to myself, "I wish I had the life I was suppose to, this life is too hard". You know what? I'm glad I can be here doing what I do. I'm a believer in making something beautiful out of something ugly, and so I press on. I'm honored to do this for Stillbirthday and the women I've met. I truly wish hospitals and local support groups had this type of program.

Honestly, you really cannot go wrong with Stillbirthday! I recommend it to everyone! There is also a Facebook page. There is also a support group on Facebook, called Stillbirthday Support Group (my phone isn't copying the URL correctly, so this may not work right). <br>

</p>

Say something!!

As everyone knows, yesterday was Mary's birthday (will do a post with photos once I get around to it). Having the support of friends and family over the past four years has been crucial. To be honest, I don't know how we would of gotten this far without that support. 

The support given has:

A. Shown us that she matters. There is nothing like knowing that your child is loved and accepted and thought of by others. Although she was only here for a brief period, she really matters. And when our child matters to you, you show us that you really care about us and our family. 

B. Shown us that we aren't alone in this. Having people who surround you with love is absolutely amazing. Although many have not been in these shoes, they care enough to, I don't want to say carry this burden, but, in a way, they do. These people can help pick you up when you are falling apart and don't feel that you can get back up. They let you know that they love you and they do feel this grief with you. They will hold your hand and their heart breaks with yours. 

Some of the things that have meant the most to me were just people saying "Hey, I'm thinking about you", the text messages from my sisters that just say "I love you", notes from friends saying they love us, my mom (also a loss parent) calling me just to see how I'm doing, friends saying they were thinking of my daughter, friends who support my loss group in Mary's memory, and people who do mention her or share her. 

That brings me to what I want to talk about. It really is ok to mention our child. I know people are uncomfortable talking about our babies, and they shouldn't be. 

Are you scared we will cry? You know, there is that chance that we will cry. So, if we do, comfort us. Even just an arm around our shoulders is awesome. Listening, that's also awesome. If we are huggers, give us a hug. 

Are you scared it will bring up bad memories? It might, but I can promise every time we think about our baby, we have some bad memories, but we also have good memories of them. I hate remembering that day and circumstances, I truly HATE it. BUT I love thinking about my daughter. The memories of HER are priceless. I have the most beautiful and perfect baby (yep, mommy bias there

Are you unsure of what to say?? If so, try to think it through. I am understanding to a point, but there are some things that don't need said. Please don't compare grief. This means, don't say you know how we feel unless you have been through almost the same kind of loss. I once had a "friend" compare the loss of her CAT to the loss of my BABY. Yeah, not cool. Or others who lose a relative. Don't compare. I know some people like hearing that others will pray for them, but sometimes, you can only hear it so many times before you want to scream. When I've had that term said to me, depending upon my mindset, especially in the early days, I just wanted to say "Shove your prayers, just freaking LISTEN. Just listen". Sometimes, it feels like that term is used as a band-aid. Yes, wounds can heal with band-aids over them. However, more deeper wounds, they need special care in order to heal properly. The loss of a child is the deepest wound you can ever have, hands down.

Do you question our grieving or have certain opinions about it?? My simple answer to that one is -Don't. There really is no time line on grief and there really is no right or wrong (unless you are harming yourself/others via destructive behaviors like drugs/drinking or suicidal thoughts/feelings). I know there is a "grief cycle", but I think others tend to not realize that it's a cycle and we can go through many of the same motions repeatedly. Grief is very individual. If you think "I would be over this by suchandsuch a time", well, keep thinking that, because until you go through it, you don't know. 

Are you uncomfortable with the whole death thing?? Well, we aren't all that crazy about it ourselves, but it is something that happened and it can't just be ignored. Death is a fact of life and there is no getting around it. 

Does the death of a baby/child make you uncomfortable?? Well, we hate it ourselves. We don't enjoy going through it and embarking upon this lifelong journey. And let's get real, it causes you a momentary discomfort, but we live with it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We can't just hit a little red X on the computer screen or just not make a phone call. We can't ignore it. We know, this was not the original order of things. You expect to lose people you love when they are older, not younger. We are supposed to be buried by our children, not the other way around. It is hard to wrap our minds around something happening that is just not how it's suppose to be. Ignoring it, it really just hurts us. Why hurt us because of something that doesn't even really affect you?? 

It's time for those who know a loss parent to band together and HELP us through this. We cannot do it alone, nor should we be expected to. Say something to show you care. When someone close to you behaves like above, it hurts, more than you can imagine. Infant loss really feels like leprosy because of how we get treated. Do you want to be the one to cause additional hurt to us or do you want to be one of the ones who helps build us up?? 

Say something!!

As everyone knows, yesterday was Mary's birthday (will do a post with photos once I get around to it). Having the support of friends and family over the past four years has been crucial. To be honest, I don't know how we would of gotten this far without that support. 

The support given has:

A. Shown us that she matters. There is nothing like knowing that your child is loved and accepted and thought of by others. Although she was only here for a brief period, she really matters. And when our child matters to you, you show us that you really care about us and our family. 

B. Shown us that we aren't alone in this. Having people who surround you with love is absolutely amazing. Although many have not been in these shoes, they care enough to, I don't want to say carry this burden, but, in a way, they do. These people can help pick you up when you are falling apart and don't feel that you can get back up. They let you know that they love you and they do feel this grief with you. They will hold your hand and their heart breaks with yours. 

Some of the things that have meant the most to me were just people saying "Hey, I'm thinking about you", the text messages from my sisters that just say "I love you", notes from friends saying they love us, my mom (also a loss parent) calling me just to see how I'm doing, friends saying they were thinking of my daughter, friends who support my loss group in Mary's memory, and people who do mention her or share her. 

That brings me to what I want to talk about. It really is ok to mention our child. I know people are uncomfortable talking about our babies, and they shouldn't be. 

Are you scared we will cry? You know, there is that chance that we will cry. So, if we do, comfort us. Even just an arm around our shoulders is awesome. Listening, that's also awesome. If we are huggers, give us a hug. 

Are you scared it will bring up bad memories? It might, but I can promise every time we think about our baby, we have some bad memories, but we also have good memories of them. I hate remembering that day and circumstances, I truly HATE it. BUT I love thinking about my daughter. The memories of HER are priceless. I have the most beautiful and perfect baby (yep, mommy bias there

Are you unsure of what to say?? If so, try to think it through. I am understanding to a point, but there are some things that don't need said. Please don't compare grief. This means, don't say you know how we feel unless you have been through almost the same kind of loss. I once had a "friend" compare the loss of her CAT to the loss of my BABY. Yeah, not cool. Or others who lose a relative. Don't compare. I know some people like hearing that others will pray for them, but sometimes, you can only hear it so many times before you want to scream. When I've had that term said to me, depending upon my mindset, especially in the early days, I just wanted to say "Shove your prayers, just freaking LISTEN. Just listen". Sometimes, it feels like that term is used as a band-aid. Yes, wounds can heal with band-aids over them. However, more deeper wounds, they need special care in order to heal properly. The loss of a child is the deepest wound you can ever have, hands down.

Do you question our grieving or have certain opinions about it?? My simple answer to that one is -Don't. There really is no time line on grief and there really is no right or wrong (unless you are harming yourself/others via destructive behaviors like drugs/drinking or suicidal thoughts/feelings). I know there is a "grief cycle", but I think others tend to not realize that it's a cycle and we can go through many of the same motions repeatedly. Grief is very individual. If you think "I would be over this by suchandsuch a time", well, keep thinking that, because until you go through it, you don't know. 

Are you uncomfortable with the whole death thing?? Well, we aren't all that crazy about it ourselves, but it is something that happened and it can't just be ignored. Death is a fact of life and there is no getting around it. 

Does the death of a baby/child make you uncomfortable?? Well, we hate it ourselves. We don't enjoy going through it and embarking upon this lifelong journey. And let's get real, it causes you a momentary discomfort, but we live with it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We can't just hit a little red X on the computer screen or just not make a phone call. We can't ignore it. We know, this was not the original order of things. You expect to lose people you love when they are older, not younger. We are supposed to be buried by our children, not the other way around. It is hard to wrap our minds around something happening that is just not how it's suppose to be. Ignoring it, it really just hurts us. Why hurt us because of something that doesn't even really affect you?? 

It's time for those who know a loss parent to band together and HELP us through this. We cannot do it alone, nor should we be expected to. Say something to show you care. When someone close to you behaves like above, it hurts, more than you can imagine. Infant loss really feels like leprosy because of how we get treated. Do you want to be the one to cause additional hurt to us or do you want to be one of the ones who helps build us up?? 

Happy Birthday Eve

Written by my husband and taken to the paper today:

When I look up at the sky I see a pair of angel wings go by. It's not a bird, but an angel I see. Through the clouds, she smiles at me. And when I see the brownish red hair I know then that Mary is there. My arms long to hold her next to me. But this is a dream that can never be. She waves and continues on her way, so it is without her that I must face each day. I can only remember her in my heart. With the love and memories, we're not apart.

Written by my 12 year old daughter:

Mary, it's been 4 years since you first came into this world, but, that same day you were taken away. We love you and miss you. Ever since then I have done a lot of things to remember you. Every year for your birthday we go to the cemetery and have lunch there for you. Every year that you've been gone, it drives me to tears because I was there when you were born and when those paramedics took you away from us. Mommy has all of your stuff from that day and she still has the dress she wore for your funeral. We won't ever forget you baby girl. We love you and happy 4th birthday.

Written by my 7 year old son:

Dear Mary, I love you so much. I want you here right now. I miss you. You're so cute. I wish for you to be in my arms right now. I saw your angel at school sometimes. I would buy you anything. I miss you like nuts. When we go to the cemetery to see you I get tears in my eyes. I love you and miss you. Love, Josh

Written by my 10 year old son:

Mary, oh how I wish to hold you in my arms again. Just to show you how much I love you. Just please one last time but up in heaven is where you lay I want to be able to make wishes come true.but it is impossible to make wishes come true. I love you mary.

Written by my 5 year old daughter:

Mary, we love you no matter how old you are we will never forget how much love you angel Mary.
she was the best little sister.


Right now, I cannot form the words to express how I am feeling tonight. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here. I'm angry that she isn't here and that her life was snuffed out before it even began. I hate spending her birthday remembering her. It's just not good enough. Damnit, I want her here, alive and healthy, with her family. No parent should ever go through this, ever. It sucks. I wish I could see her blow out candles. I wish I could see her go nuts over her cake. What flavor ice cream would she want? What flavor cake? Would she love German chocolate like her dad, strawberry like my oldest son, vanilla like the 5 and 7 year olds? What toys would we be buying? What would she be into?? Those are questions that will never be answered. And we will be living with these questions as long as we live. Her siblings will always miss her. Her baby sister will never know her, only hearing stories. One story that has left my oldest daughter almost traumatized. I've had to continuously comfort children today, assuring them that it's ok to feel how they do, knowing tomorrow will be even worse and trying to not fall apart myself.

Happy Birthday Eve

Written by my husband and taken to the paper today:

When I look up at the sky I see a pair of angel wings go by. It's not a bird, but an angel I see. Through the clouds, she smiles at me. And when I see the brownish red hair I know then that Mary is there. My arms long to hold her next to me. But this is a dream that can never be. She waves and continues on her way, so it is without her that I must face each day. I can only remember her in my heart. With the love and memories, we're not apart.

Written by my 12 year old daughter:

Mary, it's been 4 years since you first came into this world, but, that same day you were taken away. We love you and miss you. Ever since then I have done a lot of things to remember you. Every year for your birthday we go to the cemetery and have lunch there for you. Every year that you've been gone, it drives me to tears because I was there when you were born and when those paramedics took you away from us. Mommy has all of your stuff from that day and she still has the dress she wore for your funeral. We won't ever forget you baby girl. We love you and happy 4th birthday.

Written by my 7 year old son:

Dear Mary, I love you so much. I want you here right now. I miss you. You're so cute. I wish for you to be in my arms right now. I saw your angel at school sometimes. I would buy you anything. I miss you like nuts. When we go to the cemetery to see you I get tears in my eyes. I love you and miss you. Love, Josh

Written by my 10 year old son:

Mary, oh how I wish to hold you in my arms again. Just to show you how much I love you. Just please one last time but up in heaven is where you lay I want to be able to make wishes come true.but it is impossible to make wishes come true. I love you mary.

Written by my 5 year old daughter:

Mary, we love you no matter how old you are we will never forget how much love you angel Mary.
she was the best little sister.


Right now, I cannot form the words to express how I am feeling tonight. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here. I'm angry that she isn't here and that her life was snuffed out before it even began. I hate spending her birthday remembering her. It's just not good enough. Damnit, I want her here, alive and healthy, with her family. No parent should ever go through this, ever. It sucks. I wish I could see her blow out candles. I wish I could see her go nuts over her cake. What flavor ice cream would she want? What flavor cake? Would she love German chocolate like her dad, strawberry like my oldest son, vanilla like the 5 and 7 year olds? What toys would we be buying? What would she be into?? Those are questions that will never be answered. And we will be living with these questions as long as we live. Her siblings will always miss her. Her baby sister will never know her, only hearing stories. One story that has left my oldest daughter almost traumatized. I've had to continuously comfort children today, assuring them that it's ok to feel how they do, knowing tomorrow will be even worse and trying to not fall apart myself.

Almost four years- my ranting

As I get closer and closer to my daughter's birthday, I'm on edge.

 I'm feeling a little more triggery. I had an ambulance coming through traffic yesterday and sometimes, just the sound of them sets off alarms in my head. When I see it, I go back to that fateful ride in the front seat and can still see us speeding by Walgreen's and St Joan of Arc on our way to the hospital. I remember the dipwad who didn't want to stop for the ambulance. Sometimes, I swear I can still smell the hospital. I'll have to take deep breaths to just calm myself because I can feel the panic starting to well up in my chest.

I'm feeling the anger creeping back in. I've been fighting for almost four years to get people to listen and to try to change things, hoping that maybe the midwifery/homebirth community would begin to care. Now, some things have changed and a few bloggers are stepping out (The Sensible Midwife, Grateful Mom's of Many, Navelgazing Midwife, Birth Without Fear, and Mama Eve). The community doesn't want change and it's obvious. Mother's are still blamed while midwives are rallied behind. I'm accustomed to this. Still ticks me off, but it's not as shocking to me anymore. However, mother's who are new to this are not accustomed to it. They shouldn't have to deal with it like those before them have had to. The community should be wrapping it's arms around them. The community SHOULD be standing up against negligence. It should NOT be acceptable. Truly, I don't care if a parent blames their midwife or not, but if a baby dies or is injured, that midwife needs handled so it does not continue. That is just unacceptable.

I am angry that Brenda has continued on like nothing ever happened. More babies have died and been hurt under her watch. The anger I feel towards her is like no other. She cost my child her life. She has cost other babies their lives as well. Not a single one of these deaths has mattered. Not a single baby has mattered. Clients, they matter until they are no longer towing the line. We live with knowing we made the decision to hire her. I will carry that to my grave. Her, she's on the way there due to cancer, but the deaths and injuries, they mean nothing. I take that back, my daughter's death did mean something to her, until I questioned Brenda's actions and behavior. THEN, it meant nothing. Now, I feel like an ass for falling for the crap during my pregnancies. These "midwives", they use us and manipulate us so that we won't turn on them. They don't care about us or our babies. As soon as we aren't behaving like they think we should, it is on. The sad thing is, I have seen so many of these "midwives" that attack these loss moms and make wild accusations and question mental status. I recently received a nasty message from Amy Medwin herself for daring to speak about the losses she has caused. I mean, really?? When are these losers going to be held accountable for the harm they inflict because they want to play doctor?

Most of all, I miss my daughter. I have missed out on so much that so many of these advocates take for granted. They push the whole AP thing. Well, I never got to nurse my baby or snuggle with her in bed at night or wear her in my sling or hold her all day or anything. I've missed out on four years of her life. I never got to see her grow. I got nothing. SHE got nothing and it was preventable.

Her life was taken by someone and it's been acceptable and supported because the person calls herself a midwife. The community is perfectly fine with her life being taken. Negligent Homicide. Those words are in a police file with my baby's name on it. What if Brenda were a drunk driver who mowed my child down in a street? Or crashed into our vehicle and killed my daughter? Would it then be ok to place the death of my child on her shoulders?? Because the charge is the same!!!!! Those would also be negligent homicide.

Today, I want to just *headdesk*. My anger probably wouldn't be boiling over today if I hadn't gotten into a discussion where a CBE is blaming mothers who have babies that die. I'm sick of it being put back on us. ANYTHING that happens to a mother in a medical facility is supported and bemoaned while the medical professionals are vilified and it's NEVER questioned. Yet, we do not get that same treatment all because it shows a failure within their community and it's easier to blow us and our babies off then say "OMG, something needs done, theres a failure here". Why?? And those women, most of the time, they do have what we don't, a healthy baby. A c-section gets more contempt than a preventable death. I would of had a hundred c-sections to bypass that death. I truly don't get this community or it's messed up priorities. Hopefully, now that these bloggers have stepped out and said something, hopefully things will change fast. Hopefully no more mothers will join our ranks and no more babies will join ours.

Almost four years- my ranting

As I get closer and closer to my daughter's birthday, I'm on edge.

 I'm feeling a little more triggery. I had an ambulance coming through traffic yesterday and sometimes, just the sound of them sets off alarms in my head. When I see it, I go back to that fateful ride in the front seat and can still see us speeding by Walgreen's and St Joan of Arc on our way to the hospital. I remember the dipwad who didn't want to stop for the ambulance. Sometimes, I swear I can still smell the hospital. I'll have to take deep breaths to just calm myself because I can feel the panic starting to well up in my chest.

I'm feeling the anger creeping back in. I've been fighting for almost four years to get people to listen and to try to change things, hoping that maybe the midwifery/homebirth community would begin to care. Now, some things have changed and a few bloggers are stepping out (The Sensible Midwife, Grateful Mom's of Many, Navelgazing Midwife, Birth Without Fear, and Mama Eve). The community doesn't want change and it's obvious. Mother's are still blamed while midwives are rallied behind. I'm accustomed to this. Still ticks me off, but it's not as shocking to me anymore. However, mother's who are new to this are not accustomed to it. They shouldn't have to deal with it like those before them have had to. The community should be wrapping it's arms around them. The community SHOULD be standing up against negligence. It should NOT be acceptable. Truly, I don't care if a parent blames their midwife or not, but if a baby dies or is injured, that midwife needs handled so it does not continue. That is just unacceptable.

I am angry that Brenda has continued on like nothing ever happened. More babies have died and been hurt under her watch. The anger I feel towards her is like no other. She cost my child her life. She has cost other babies their lives as well. Not a single one of these deaths has mattered. Not a single baby has mattered. Clients, they matter until they are no longer towing the line. We live with knowing we made the decision to hire her. I will carry that to my grave. Her, she's on the way there due to cancer, but the deaths and injuries, they mean nothing. I take that back, my daughter's death did mean something to her, until I questioned Brenda's actions and behavior. THEN, it meant nothing. Now, I feel like an ass for falling for the crap during my pregnancies. These "midwives", they use us and manipulate us so that we won't turn on them. They don't care about us or our babies. As soon as we aren't behaving like they think we should, it is on. The sad thing is, I have seen so many of these "midwives" that attack these loss moms and make wild accusations and question mental status. I recently received a nasty message from Amy Medwin herself for daring to speak about the losses she has caused. I mean, really?? When are these losers going to be held accountable for the harm they inflict because they want to play doctor?

Most of all, I miss my daughter. I have missed out on so much that so many of these advocates take for granted. They push the whole AP thing. Well, I never got to nurse my baby or snuggle with her in bed at night or wear her in my sling or hold her all day or anything. I've missed out on four years of her life. I never got to see her grow. I got nothing. SHE got nothing and it was preventable.

Her life was taken by someone and it's been acceptable and supported because the person calls herself a midwife. The community is perfectly fine with her life being taken. Negligent Homicide. Those words are in a police file with my baby's name on it. What if Brenda were a drunk driver who mowed my child down in a street? Or crashed into our vehicle and killed my daughter? Would it then be ok to place the death of my child on her shoulders?? Because the charge is the same!!!!! Those would also be negligent homicide.

Today, I want to just *headdesk*. My anger probably wouldn't be boiling over today if I hadn't gotten into a discussion where a CBE is blaming mothers who have babies that die. I'm sick of it being put back on us. ANYTHING that happens to a mother in a medical facility is supported and bemoaned while the medical professionals are vilified and it's NEVER questioned. Yet, we do not get that same treatment all because it shows a failure within their community and it's easier to blow us and our babies off then say "OMG, something needs done, theres a failure here". Why?? And those women, most of the time, they do have what we don't, a healthy baby. A c-section gets more contempt than a preventable death. I would of had a hundred c-sections to bypass that death. I truly don't get this community or it's messed up priorities. Hopefully, now that these bloggers have stepped out and said something, hopefully things will change fast. Hopefully no more mothers will join our ranks and no more babies will join ours.

Happy(?) Mother's Day

Four years ago, this was me. 

Mother's day was all about relishing in the presence of my five children and waiting in anticipation for the new baby we were soon to meet. I was truly happy and life couldn't get any better. Little did I know, life would get better and then come crashing down in pieces around me. 

 One month later, we put this on our baby's grave. 

Now, we have six living children and our precious angel. That woman who celebrated Mother's Day in 2008, she is long gone. In her place is me. I am a bereaved mother. I don't even remember that who I was. As Mother's Day nears and the weekend is in swing, I feel the dread and anxiety creeping up and it will certainly escape me as we stand at her grave and weep tomorrow. I try to stay busy and focus on other things so that I don't have time or brain power to think about her as much. I love to remember her and tell people about her, but sometimes, the heartache threatens to overwhelm me. That heartache wells up as important holidays approach, holidays that magnify the void left. I think I only like holidays now because of my other children. If I didn't have the kids, I wouldn't celebrate them at all. 

I will NEVER be ok with losing Mary, ever. I will never have a Mother's Day where I won't miss her. I wonder what she would be doing. Would I get adorable hand drawn cards? Would she climb into my bed to snuggle?? Would I be lying in bed nursing her before breakfast? Would she be picking flowers to have me place in a kid cup?? Would she be helping us set the table for breakfast insisting on helping pour glasses of juice?? We will never know what she would be doing or anything about her and that breaks my heart. It's not fair, she should be here with her family. I shouldn't be a bereaved mother. 

This Mother's Day, if you haven't endured the loss of a child, hug your children a little more and reach out to a bereaved mother that you know. We need it, even if we don't come right out and say it. If you are a bereaved mother, I am so sorry, you have my heart and thoughts. 

Now, shortly after this holiday, it will be her birthday, which is going to be much worse than this. This life I have and the feelings it invokes, are why I fight the fight I do, so nobody else has to feel like I do. 

Happy(?) Mother's Day

Four years ago, this was me. 

Mother's day was all about relishing in the presence of my five children and waiting in anticipation for the new baby we were soon to meet. I was truly happy and life couldn't get any better. Little did I know, life would get better and then come crashing down in pieces around me. 

 One month later, we put this on our baby's grave. 

Now, we have six living children and our precious angel. That woman who celebrated Mother's Day in 2008, she is long gone. In her place is me. I am a bereaved mother. I don't even remember that who I was. As Mother's Day nears and the weekend is in swing, I feel the dread and anxiety creeping up and it will certainly escape me as we stand at her grave and weep tomorrow. I try to stay busy and focus on other things so that I don't have time or brain power to think about her as much. I love to remember her and tell people about her, but sometimes, the heartache threatens to overwhelm me. That heartache wells up as important holidays approach, holidays that magnify the void left. I think I only like holidays now because of my other children. If I didn't have the kids, I wouldn't celebrate them at all. 

I will NEVER be ok with losing Mary, ever. I will never have a Mother's Day where I won't miss her. I wonder what she would be doing. Would I get adorable hand drawn cards? Would she climb into my bed to snuggle?? Would I be lying in bed nursing her before breakfast? Would she be picking flowers to have me place in a kid cup?? Would she be helping us set the table for breakfast insisting on helping pour glasses of juice?? We will never know what she would be doing or anything about her and that breaks my heart. It's not fair, she should be here with her family. I shouldn't be a bereaved mother. 

This Mother's Day, if you haven't endured the loss of a child, hug your children a little more and reach out to a bereaved mother that you know. We need it, even if we don't come right out and say it. If you are a bereaved mother, I am so sorry, you have my heart and thoughts. 

Now, shortly after this holiday, it will be her birthday, which is going to be much worse than this. This life I have and the feelings it invokes, are why I fight the fight I do, so nobody else has to feel like I do. 

More Brenda Information

Tonight, I had this go down on Facebook:

So, my baby and what happened to her doesn't matter. She has had two peaceful births and her friend has had one. Guess what? I had one too, then I lost my daughter the next time, but that doesn't matter. How christian! I thought the christian thing was that ALL life mattered and our friends funeral service reflected her views of that. 

Yeah, my baby death doesn't matter, course I'm not gonna be mad at you and will want to remain friends! Yeah, that was dripping with sarcasm!

Let's look at Brenda, shall we, since these women have had their great births and all!

A client says I am in labor. Brenda doesn't show up. Sound familiar?? It should!! Client then becomes an assistant and stops referring others to her. How could that happen?? 

Mom was NOT 42 weeks, but 44 weeks with third homebirth baby! I have personal messages from mom detailing more information, but out of respect for her memory, I really don't feel right sharing them. 

Interesting. I recall also getting those emails!  How many risk factors do we see at play here?? Oh wait and it's another dead baby! Well, holy shit!! 

More Brenda Information

Tonight, I had this go down on Facebook:

So, my baby and what happened to her doesn't matter. She has had two peaceful births and her friend has had one. Guess what? I had one too, then I lost my daughter the next time, but that doesn't matter. How christian! I thought the christian thing was that ALL life mattered and our friends funeral service reflected her views of that. 

Yeah, my baby death doesn't matter, course I'm not gonna be mad at you and will want to remain friends! Yeah, that was dripping with sarcasm!

Let's look at Brenda, shall we, since these women have had their great births and all!

A client says I am in labor. Brenda doesn't show up. Sound familiar?? It should!! Client then becomes an assistant and stops referring others to her. How could that happen?? 

Mom was NOT 42 weeks, but 44 weeks with third homebirth baby! I have personal messages from mom detailing more information, but out of respect for her memory, I really don't feel right sharing them. 

Interesting. I recall also getting those emails!  How many risk factors do we see at play here?? Oh wait and it's another dead baby! Well, holy shit!! 

Love Always Leaves A Mark

I have had the honor of knowing this awesome mom and would like to share her with you! I asked her to write an introduction::


My name is Nicki and I am a mommy to a sweet baby girl who dances on the other side of eternity. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she was born on August 13th, 2011. I was only 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant when she decided to make her entrance into this world due to a placental abruption. She lived for only 22 minutes due to a great loss of blood and oxygen. Our sweet girl is now the warm wind on our face and the beautiful butterfly that follows us around. Our arms are empty and our dreams are shattered but our hearts are full; full of the love and the joy she brought for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day.


Let's show her some blog love!!


She will be added to my blog roll, too!!

Love Always Leaves A Mark

I have had the honor of knowing this awesome mom and would like to share her with you! I asked her to write an introduction::


My name is Nicki and I am a mommy to a sweet baby girl who dances on the other side of eternity. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she was born on August 13th, 2011. I was only 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant when she decided to make her entrance into this world due to a placental abruption. She lived for only 22 minutes due to a great loss of blood and oxygen. Our sweet girl is now the warm wind on our face and the beautiful butterfly that follows us around. Our arms are empty and our dreams are shattered but our hearts are full; full of the love and the joy she brought for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day.


Let's show her some blog love!!


She will be added to my blog roll, too!!

Remembering Sheryl

This story begins in October of 1998. I'm an 18 year old mother of a 5 month old baby boy. My husband and I had been attending a local church for a few months. The church had a bible study for mothers and I was invited. Being a SAHM and new to the church, I was totally up for this. Little did I know that I would be attending this group until it's demise in 2006. I made some truly lifelong friends. One of these mothers was Sheryl. She was always happy, very softspoken, wise, and her life truly revolved around her family. She had to of been one of the most steadfast christian women that I have ever known. No matter what, she remained happy and joyful. I truly don't think I ever saw her even get angry.

   The woman I knew with four little ones soon became a mother of eight and then took on the roll of an angel mom. This week, early tuesday morning, Sheryl became an angel herself. I had just been talking to her the night before, was cleaning, and thinking "As soon as I'm done, I'm gonna tell Sheryl this" and chuckling to myself. I was really looking forward to chatting with her. So, after my chores, I log on and one of our friends contacts me to tell me the news. Disbelief is an understatement. I've spent days connecting with others who loved Sheryl, some only knowing her as an angel mom, some knowing her as a friend on a message board, some knowing her as a homeschool mom, some knowing her as the attachment parenting mom. In these connections and conversations, I've gotten to reminisce and reflect on many things.

   Sheryl was the friend I looked to for guidance in my crunchier days. She was the non-judgmental friend I could turn to about spiritual issues. When I had marital issues years ago, she supported me. When I drifted from God and church, she didn't judge, but I am sure it hurt her. Last May, her church was doing a memorial day service. The name of her son, Samuel, was to be read. She invited me and I did decline. I wanted nothing to do with church and figured lightening would strike if I stepped foot in the building. Then, I decided, "What the heck, I'm doing this". And I did. I went to sunday school with her and then sat with her in the service and held her as she silently cried. That day, that small gesture, is something she told me recently meant so much to her. That day, that invitation, set me on another path. I'm getting there slowly, but that was THE turning point. I have no doubt that this sweet and quiet woman prayed her heart out for all of her friends and loved ones who either didn't know Christ or were having crises of faith and backslid. You know, that sunday school lesson that day was about reaching non-christians and I was a non-christian in there. I remember making a list in my head and telling Sheryl all the reasons that christians don't succeed in recruiting people. Somehow two similar women became almost opposites and still remained friends.

   When we attended MOM'S group, we agreed on several issues that came up, but I was more vocal (always been my thing). I remember when we had a SAHD join and it was like "OK". Then, he tried using the women to try to help him with a side business he was starting. We saw it for what it was and stood firm. When we tried doing a multi-family yard sale with him and another mom, he was very controlling, so we said "The heck with this" and bowed out. We would hook up at her house and just hang out all day, normally sitting there nursing babies. Multiple times, we were pregnant at the same time, and even Brenda joked with us asking if we kept planning it that way. Back in 2006, we were both on a message board together and she happened to be 4 weeks overdue so some women began calling her a troll and a fake. I let into them something fierce. She had such grace about the situation. Me, nope. You don't talk about MY friend. Can you see why we were opposites, lol?? For that baby, she had a baby shower. It was a lot of fun. She was so big and miserable, but took it in stride. The day she had that baby, I went to her house and Brenda was there and offered to just do my prenatal exam there, but I declined. During our bible study days, one of the moms suffered from mental illness, so Sheryl and I would drop everything to go help care for her and her home (because her husband was a total jackass).  Go figure, I was the one who had the guts to tell that husband I wanted to get his wife a boyfriend so she could be happy. Poor Sheryl probably didn't know what to say or do with me sometimes, lol.

   When Sheryl lost her son last march, she took her pain and used it to help others. I know she was hurting so much, but she used that and created something beautiful. That is something that takes strength and courage and I admired that in her. Her duties in the home meant everything to her too. She homeschooled the kids, sometimes having 5 or 6 different grade levels going. When I did it, I only had 3 and that was rough. I can't even imagine adding more! She loved those children and embraced each and every one she was blessed with. Even those lost early on, they all received names and were grieved by her. In her obituary, those babies were listed. During the service today, those babies were shared. As I sat there looking at my sweet friend, I could picture her in heaven with those babies. I could see her embracing every baby there as only a mother would. I know she will hold and love my daughter just as she would her own children. I am so honored and blessed to have known such a wonderful woman. She was the epitome of what a Godly woman is. Although I will weep for what we all have lost here, I will be happy for her and all she has gained.

                                          Sheryl, you will NEVER be forgotten. I love you.

Remembering Sheryl

     This story begins in October of 1998. I'm an 18 year old mother of a 5 month old baby boy. My husband and I had been attending a local church for a few months. The church had a bible study for mothers and I was invited. Being a SAHM and new to the church, I was totally up for this. Little did I know that I would be attending this group until it's demise in 2006. I made some truly lifelong friends. One of these mothers was Sheryl. She was always happy, very softspoken, wise, and her life truly revolved around her family. She had to of been one of the most steadfast christian women that I have ever known. No matter what, she remained happy and joyful. I truly don't think I ever saw her even get angry.

   The woman I knew with four little ones soon became a mother of eight and then took on the roll of an angel mom. This week, early tuesday morning, Sheryl became an angel herself. I had just been talking to her the night before, was cleaning, and thinking "As soon as I'm done, I'm gonna tell Sheryl this" and chuckling to myself. I was really looking forward to chatting with her. So, after my chores, I log on and one of our friends contacts me to tell me the news. Disbelief is an understatement. I've spent days connecting with others who loved Sheryl, some only knowing her as an angel mom, some knowing her as a friend on a message board, some knowing her as a homeschool mom, some knowing her as the attachment parenting mom. In these connections and conversations, I've gotten to reminisce and reflect on many things.

   Sheryl was the friend I looked to for guidance in my crunchier days. She was the non-judgmental friend I could turn to about spiritual issues. When I had marital issues years ago, she supported me. When I drifted from God and church, she didn't judge, but I am sure it hurt her. Last May, her church was doing a memorial day service. The name of her son, Samuel, was to be read. She invited me and I did decline. I wanted nothing to do with church and figured lightening would strike if I stepped foot in the building. Then, I decided, "What the heck, I'm doing this". And I did. I went to sunday school with her and then sat with her in the service and held her as she silently cried. That day, that small gesture, is something she told me recently meant so much to her. That day, that invitation, set me on another path. I'm getting there slowly, but that was THE turning point. I have no doubt that this sweet and quiet woman prayed her heart out for all of her friends and loved ones who either didn't know Christ or were having crises of faith and backslid. You know, that sunday school lesson that day was about reaching non-christians and I was a non-christian in there. I remember making a list in my head and telling Sheryl all the reasons that christians don't succeed in recruiting people. Somehow two similar women became almost opposites and still remained friends.

   When we attended MOM'S group, we agreed on several issues that came up, but I was more vocal (always been my thing). I remember when we had a SAHD join and it was like "OK". Then, he tried using the women to try to help him with a side business he was starting. We saw it for what it was and stood firm. When we tried doing a multi-family yard sale with him and another mom, he was very controlling, so we said "The heck with this" and bowed out. We would hook up at her house and just hang out all day, normally sitting there nursing babies. Multiple times, we were pregnant at the same time, and even Brenda joked with us asking if we kept planning it that way. Back in 2006, we were both on a message board together and she happened to be 4 weeks overdue so some women began calling her a troll and a fake. I let into them something fierce. She had such grace about the situation. Me, nope. You don't talk about MY friend. Can you see why we were opposites, lol?? For that baby, she had a baby shower. It was a lot of fun. She was so big and miserable, but took it in stride. The day she had that baby, I went to her house and Brenda was there and offered to just do my prenatal exam there, but I declined. During our bible study days, one of the moms suffered from mental illness, so Sheryl and I would drop everything to go help care for her and her home (because her husband was a total jackass).  Go figure, I was the one who had the guts to tell that husband I wanted to get his wife a boyfriend so she could be happy. Poor Sheryl probably didn't know what to say or do with me sometimes, lol.

   When Sheryl lost her son last march, she took her pain and used it to help others. I know she was hurting so much, but she used that and created something beautiful. That is something that takes strength and courage and I admired that in her. Her duties in the home meant everything to her too. She homeschooled the kids, sometimes having 5 or 6 different grade levels going. When I did it, I only had 3 and that was rough. I can't even imagine adding more! She loved those children and embraced each and every one she was blessed with. Even those lost early on, they all received names and were grieved by her. In her obituary, those babies were listed. During the service today, those babies were shared. As I sat there looking at my sweet friend, I could picture her in heaven with those babies. I could see her embracing every baby there as only a mother would. I know she will hold and love my daughter just as she would her own children. I am so honored and blessed to have known such a wonderful woman. She was the epitome of what a Godly woman is. Although I will weep for what we all have lost here, I will be happy for her and all she has gained.

                                          Sheryl, you will NEVER be forgotten. I love you.