More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Don't Beat Yourselves Up!

          Yesterday we had another birthday in our home. My third child turned 13! I have three teenagers in my house. Holy cow! This led me to thinking about the early days of parenting versus the teen years. Does it really matter how they came into the world? Did sleeping arrangements or feeding methods affect anything?? Was it worth the stress now that they're older? Let's play a fun game called Match The Kid!

       A.   This child was the 21.5 hour labor where I received an epidural 4 hours before birth. We also had pitocin. Said child slept with us, was breastfed for 16 months, but also had formula.

       B.   Next child was a 12 hour completely natural labor and birth. Child was breastfed for three months and then put on formula. Baby slept with us most of the time.

        C.  Last child was a 6 hour completely natural labor and birth. This one was breastfed for 18 months, but given formula on occasion. Baby also slept with us.

          Now that you know those little tidbits, I'll tell you about each child.

        1.  This child is very sweet, loves their siblings, gets straight A's, listens 99% of the time. Has only ever had one health problem. Child is very respectful and helpful.

        2.  Next child can be moody, but is generally an angel. Get's B's. Is helpful towards older adults and seniors. No health issues, healthy as can be. Respectful when not moody.

         3. Next child can also be moody, but an angel as well 99% of the time. Gets straight A's. No health problems. Very helpful and respectful, also when not moody.


So, going with what mothers are told and fed about birth and trivial parenting decisions, I'm here to say it doesn't matter. Our kids will become who they become due to not only their personalities, but in how we actually raise them. What are you TEACHING them? How do you TREAT them?? That is where it all lies. If your child feels loved, accepted, and supported you're going to have an awesome kid! If you put your child down, don't show love, or treat them horribly you are going to be in for a huge rude awakening.

All of our kids are going to go through stages where they test the waters and, I believe, this also plays a part in who they turn into. Your reaction and behavior will determine the severity of these tests. We don't have to be doormats, but we also can't be doorstops. Sometimes we have to seriously lay down the law regardless, but many of the things kids do aren't really worth getting into it with them over. Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? In child-rearing, this is vital.

Next time you berate yourself for not doing what the sanctimommies tell you that you should do, walk into a high school and try to pick out the children who were birthed or fed certain ways. I promise, you won't be able to tell!

Helplessness in Parenting

When we get pregnant, we see those two lines and immediately start dreaming about the future. We think of how our child will look, their personalities, all the things you get to do with them, names, celebrations with extended family, etc. We dream about it all. We take our vitamins, even if they make us puke. We avoid certain foods and chemicals so that our babies don't get sick. We do everything within our control to ensure our child is safe and healthy.


          What happens when something happens that we can't control? As I sat in the exam room with my 10 year old son yesterday, I couldn't help but think "I feel so helpless". We have done everything and yet here we are dealing with a second relapse with his eyes. We were free and clear, he had been looking perfect, and four days later, it was coming back again. His issues aren't life threatening, but it threatens his vision and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want my son to go blind and neither do his doctors, but this is beyond our control aside from medications and constant appointments. We can't magically fix what is going haywire in his little body.


          This leads me to think about everything and how we really have no control, as much as we like to think we do. It's scary. How can we do everything we can to care for and protect our children and have it still not work? Yeah, this is pretty depressing, but it's true, we are helpless here. It's a really sucky feeling.


          I think about parents whose children are dealing with deadly diseases or new parents watching their premature/sick infant fighting for it's life in a NICU or parents dealing with a severely handicapped child. How do they do it? What support do they have? What can we do to lend support? What can we do to raise awareness of some kind? Think about your strengths and how you can be a valuable asset to parents like these. Let's be there for one another so these parents aren't feeling so helpless. Let's lend them our strength just so they are a little stronger when facing another day. We need to do something! Parenting is divisive enough, so let's unite this way.

Helplessness in Parenting

          When we get pregnant, we see those two lines and immediately start dreaming about the future. We think of how our child will look, their personalities, all the things you get to do with them, names, celebrations with extended family, etc. We dream about it all. We take our vitamins, even if they make us puke. We avoid certain foods and chemicals so that our babies don't get sick. We do everything within our control to ensure our child is safe and healthy.


          What happens when something happens that we can't control? As I sat in the exam room with my 10 year old son yesterday, I couldn't help but think "I feel so helpless". We have done everything and yet here we are dealing with a second relapse with his eyes. We were free and clear, he had been looking perfect, and four days later, it was coming back again. His issues aren't life threatening, but it threatens his vision and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want my son to go blind and neither do his doctors, but this is beyond our control aside from medications and constant appointments. We can't magically fix what is going haywire in his little body.


          This leads me to think about everything and how we really have no control, as much as we like to think we do. It's scary. How can we do everything we can to care for and protect our children and have it still not work? Yeah, this is pretty depressing, but it's true, we are helpless here. It's a really sucky feeling.


          I think about parents whose children are dealing with deadly diseases or new parents watching their premature/sick infant fighting for it's life in a NICU or parents dealing with a severely handicapped child. How do they do it? What support do they have? What can we do to lend support? What can we do to raise awareness of some kind? Think about your strengths and how you can be a valuable asset to parents like these. Let's be there for one another so these parents aren't feeling so helpless. Let's lend them our strength just so they are a little stronger when facing another day. We need to do something! Parenting is divisive enough, so let's unite this way.