Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I want to share something sweet

Just yesterday, I jumped feet first into this project after sitting on it for a bit. Do I know what I'm doing?? Nope, not at all. That's ok though.

As I was out driving somewhere with the kids, we were listening to the radio. A song came on that I hadn't heard in a while. I knew in my heart that it was a sign from my daughter. The words really hit me.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry


I will continue on my journey and do what I need to do. I'm going to sail this vessel and follow where it goes. I have learned from what's behind me. I never know what's in store, Each day is a constant battle. Being unsure of my religious leanings, I know I can rely on something higher than myself to help me make it through everything. I like to think my daughter is helping me. I could of just accepted that babies die and never stepped out. It was brave to do that, incredibly brave. We deal with the rapids daily but continue on. If we don't try, we'll never reach our destination. So, we will keep trying.

To top off our little road trip, we had a white butterfly come flying by us when we got out of the van. After she died, our yard was descended upon by white butterflies. Everywhere we went, there were white butterflies. We see them as a sign from her! Her headstone also has a butterfly and a good majority of her decorations are also butterflies!


Next tattoo- A sailing scene, but it will have to have a butterfly for Mary!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Facebook page created

The page is called SafEST Homebirth. I should be able to get a blog up and going here very soon and will place the link here and on Safest's wall. So, join up, and tell others. Let's show people that safe homebirth practices are important. No more of this every woman can do it, everything is "a variation of normal", uneducated midwives know everything and are to be desired (*gah*) crap. It's still odd for me that I've come full circle almost. I know this idea may not be popular amongst others, but, I'm willing to put myself out there. Oh, we won't support midwives who negligently take lives and sure as heck aren't going to blame parents!! If you are a CNM or CM, please join up, I would love to have you there! Let's see if we can't blow these other blogs/pages out of the water.

Here is The new blog!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Coming soon

I will be creating a facebook page dealing with Homebirth Safety. Yes, it will support homebirth and how to do it SAFELY. Safety is one of the subjects that are sorely lacking in the community and they should be addressed. No more telling a mom that it's safe to have a HBA2C or it's safe to decline GBS testing or safe to stick garlic in your vagina. We will NOT endorse or support anything less than a CNM or CM. We will endorse midwives that we know practice safely and adhere to strict standards so that mothers know they are getting the best. There will be a blog that will consist of midwife names and other information about them.

If you are a CNM or CM who would like to be featured on the new blog, you can email me at momofmanyfeet at yahoo dot com. Feel free to share things such as Why you got into midwifery, thoughts on birth, your educational background, work experience, high risk situations you have dealt with and how you handled them, transfer rates, number of births, number of lost babies, and basically anything else you would want a mother to know before choosing your practice!!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Happy Mothers Day- I forgive you

It is my gift to you after having spent much time pouring over Mother's Day card after Mother's Day card - helping the kids pick one out for you - and realizing that none of them express anything remotely close to those events that have transpired between us.

We racked our brains to think of the perfect gift for you... but what do you need? What do you want? What would even be meaningful, or enough, to you? Is there anything that would ultimately change you, them, us, for the better? Is there anything that truly fits this Mother's Day, for you, at this moment in time?

Forgiveness.

As I worked through the jaded feelings recollecting all the things that were never said, never done, never offered up on any Father's Day, birthdays, or holidays in between, I realized that what we both need more than anything is for me to let it go. And forgive.

You are not the perfect Mom. Or wife. I cannot muster up the strength to lie to you, nor am I sure it would do anyone any good. So instead, I will be honest.

I forgive you for the tiny white lies you told when we were dating many years ago - things I never learned the truth about until much, much later - at a time when you told me that it no longer mattered what you said "back then."

I forgive you for being angry at me for working so much that I couldn't help plan a wedding, for raising my hopes up high that maybe in two years... or three years... I wouldn't have to work like a dog. That things would coincide with your mothering and my business travels to plan out one very special day just for us. I forgive you for lying to me when you said "weddings don't mean anything" and "you're too strong of a woman to need something fairy-talish like that" because now, all these years later, you are resentful towards me for it.

I forgive you for expecting me to spend thousands on a ring, that truly isn't important.

I forgive you for resenting me for having to work to support our growing family.

I forgive you for throwing it in my face that we needed to move to a new area for my work. I would of loved to stay put and help raise our child.

I forgive you for acting like I couldn't change a diaper. All the newborn baby nights you said you didn't want or need my help and told me to sleep. All the work I had to do leading to me missing prenatal appointments, and lactation consulting, and doctors trips, but at least we had money for them.

I forgive you for getting angry that I couldn't participate in bedtime routines every single night. I forgive you for telling me I wasn't brushing their teeth right or reading the right story.

I Thank you for handling dinner, dishes, and the laundry while I work every day. I forgive you for not showing any appreciation towards how hard I work to provide the clothing and food in this house.

I forgive you for the kids' heartbreak when on the weekend they looked for me in the wee hours of the morning after you had repeatedly gotten their hopes up that I would be home.

I forgive you for blaming me for your lack of initiative in taking care of yourself. I forgive you for not utilizing the expensive baby carrying devices we have purchased.

I forgive you for not liking what I cook and putting me down because you don't think it's nutritious enough. When I stop off for fast food, I'm not doing it because I'm an idiot. I do it because I love you and don't want you to feel like you have to cook nor do I want to hear you criticize my cooking.

I forgive you for all the times you have held it against me that we couldn't do something. For all the times you harped and nagged wanting me to fix something in the miniscule amount of free time that I have. For all the times you wouldn't accept that we didn't have money to hire people to take care of everything you wanted.

I forgive you for never really listening. Even when I ask you to. Even when I repeat what is important.

I forgive you for the times your have picked fights with relatives and caused discord between us all.

I forgive you for blaming me, and me alone.

I forgive you for your change in admiration. The negative twist you placed on your body when I reassured you that you were beautiful. How you pushed me away so our child could breastfeed and co-sleep. I forgive you for not being able to see that not listening or respecting my concerns can hurt a marriage.

I forgive you for the loneliness that is so, so much more intense in an unhealthy marriage with the dream that maybe someday... I forgive you for the hope that doesn't often seem to show itself around here.

I forgive you for the days you've griped about needing time to unwind, but laid out rules you expected me to follow on where our kids can go, what they can do, and what they can eat completely taking the fun out of time that we have together.

I forgive you for the many "family" trips you were so impatient for that you decided to leave me behind.

I forgive you for the emotional and physical neglect. For treating me like a child. For teaching our kids that I am only good for sperm and money.

I do not know what is to come, and there are those who I am certain say I am a fool for giving you yet another chance. But you are not a violent woman. You do not mean to hurt us. In fact, you appear as a pretty typical mom and wife to most looking on. You are an average American mother... and maybe for that, I must forgive you too. And let go of those fairy-tale expectations of an equal partner and best friend for life.

So on this Mother's Day, as I try to occupy our kids and plan a nice day for what will surely not be the last time, I forgive you. And myself. Please do the best you can at being the greatest parent and partner you can be, and I promise to do the same. Hopefully, we will meet somewhere in the middle, and our kids will know that they are loved just as much every moment, of every day, as they are on this Mother's Day with you and hopefully we can show them what a healthy relationship can look like.

This is a rebuttal of something posted on Peaceful Parenting. Many women cheered and many of us cringed, so I did this up to show just how negative it truly is. The original was posted by a woman for Father's Day.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I'm pondering something

It's no secret that I DO support CNM's. Why?? 99% of them practice safely. They ARE educated and trained. Their statistics are fantastic! They do adhere to rules and regulations. There is a governing body. Reviews consist of an actual medical board instead of their "peers (ie buddies)". They do carry malpractice insurance. Need I go on??

There is legislation introduced fairly frequently in states where CPM's are illegal. We need people to combat this legislation in these states. I would also like to see a place where we can promote CNM's. Women want homebirth, so they need safe options. CNM's can provide the safety net that can make the difference between life and death for a baby and/or it's mother. There are so many changes that need made in the homebirth system in the USA.

Right now, I'm just brainstorming. Please give me honest opinions. What would you like to see?? I will never give birth again (happy dance- esp after seeing that FB photo circulating), but I want to see things change so that I'm not seeing so many homebirth losses. No family should have to bury their baby, esp when the baby has died a preventable death!! Mothers shouldn't be silenced or treated badly because they dare to admit that their midwife screwed up. These midwives should not continue to practice after multiple babies die preventable deaths. So much needs to change! I just don't know where to begin to really make a difference.

Until blogger gets fixed, I'm going to place my new email address in every post. So, if you want to contact me, you can drop me an email at momofmanyfeet@yahoo.com!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Yes, they really do say this stuff

I've spoken a few times on the crap said to homebirth loss moms who dare to speak up. I happened to of joined the facebook page for Business of Being Born. I shared my story and gave my spiel on CPM's, why they are dangerous, why they aren't comparable to European midwives, etc. Of course, we are called trolls because we don't clamor about how changed our lives were due to that docrapumentary and actually share real facts. Very few pwople have stood up to say "Hey, this other side needs to be shown instead of begging for the banning of these women". Yes, someone actually called for us to be banned from the page. For sharing facts! This really proves that advocates cannot handle dissenting opinion. The anger is comical. Now, I did get angry. Why?? Perhaps these statements will shed some light onto why some of us are so angry and this is really what we are up against when we choose to speak up

Your daughter probably would have lived if born in a hospital, or maybe the nurse/doctor there would have been in a rush and missed the signs....maybe you should have thought about all those risks BEFORE deciding to have a homebirth. Maybe you should have brushed up on the signs of not breathing and distress etc. Any mother that has a home birth should know the warning signs and seek help ASAP.

You need to accept some blame for this, or else you will never heal.

Just like we shouldn't put all our trust into our doctor, we shouldn't put all our trust into our midwives, no matter what initials come after their name. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR family at the end of the day. You chose where you wanted to birth, not anyone else.

I do agree that there should be some liability for midwives, such as malpractice so families can sue in the event something happens like yours Bambi, but you don't get off with nothing. Woman up and own your choice. If everything went wonderful, you'd be proud of your decision to homebirth.

I know many women who regret going to a hospital, to only be forced with a c-section, episiotomies, etc..but they know it was their choice to go there!

Isn't that so sweet??

Bambi, no one is trying to make you feel guilty. Fact is fact, YOU hired her. It sucks. It sucks so very much.

I never said it was ALL your fault but you it wasn't all your midwife's fault either. I think you should go troll somewhere else, it's obvious how you feel and what you are trying to do on this page...

I am for informed birth whether that's at home, hospital, birth center, in the woods or wherever you so choose!

One comment here was made by a doula, the other two a woman who wants to be a CPM! This is how mothers with homebirth losses are talked to for daring to share their stories. If we wonder why there aren't more women speaking up, we can certainly look to the homebirth advocates themselves. Silence anyone who doesn't speak how you approve of. Sadly, I did share the link to my last post pouring my heart out over how I feel. Homebirth advocates WANT loss moms broken and weak, like them.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

We remember


Mary's birthday is tomorrow, June 5th. For the past few weeks, the weight has gotten heavier and heavier. I know today and early tomorrow will be the worst part of it. When we arrive at the cemetary, there will be some tears shed as we remember her and her brief life. Then we will release the balloons and have a picnic, with cupcakes freshly baked by us. This will repeat every year as it has since her death. At some point, that day is supposed to get easier- I'm just not sure when.
Three years later, I am still angry. How could this midwife reassure us that our daughter was in perfect health when she was in trouble? This midwife just walked away. Oddly enough, she had asked an old friend if she had heard from me just days before the old friend lost her baby. I bet she wonders about me. I'm here warning other parents about you and you know it. My guess is she wanted to know what I've been up to and what to watch out for or maybe hoping my public endeavors would be over. I want her to remember my daughter and want her to remember me until her dying day. I probably wouldn't hate her so much if there had been some sort of accountability. Saying "please don't sue me, please don't believe the coroner- believe me, and don't go after homebirth" doesn't quite say "I'm sorry for fucking up so majorly". Do I care if my baby's death impacted her emotionally? Nope, not at all. I don't feel that midwives should be able to say "Omg, I'm so so sad, this has impacted me horribly" and then just walk like nothing happened. If they aren't dealing with the emotions that come from losing their baby day in and day out, their emotions mean nothing. Yeah, this is just a small glance into my anger.
I am still so very sad. I still feel at fault (yep, score 1 for the advocate camp who gloats when a mom carries this burden or encourages her to feel this badly). I know people remind me all the time that it was all the midwife's fault. BUT I chose her and chose to homebirth. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me do it. Did I have all the information available? No, I didn't. Still, I should have. I live every day knowing I made a stupid decision and my baby paid the ultimate price for it. This has caused a lot of mental stress/anguish. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off since she died. Sometimes the weight of it all is more than I can handle. I battle depression. I know the guilt is what causes all of this, but, nothing I can ever do will ever get rid of that- unless time travel becomes an option or I die. Nobody should ever feel this. Not a single day goes by that I don't miss her and wish I had done things much differently. What I wouldn't give to of been able to experience all those things that most parents take for granted. Late nights with spit up, crying, and poo would of been welcomed.
I will continue on in my advocacy, for not only my precious daughter, but for all the babies who have died at the hands of negligent homebirth midwives.

Happy Birthday, Mary Beth. I wish you were here celebrating this with us. You will always be loved and remembered, Princess!!!

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