More than Milestones

When my daughter passed away, I knew that I wouldn't watch her grow up. What this ended up looking like, predominantly, was emptiness.

I knew I would never see the toothless grins or hear the giggles coming from that grin. I would never see her determinedly roll over, see the excitement on her face of being able to crawl across the floor after siblings and pets, or watch those cautious first steps. She would never be able to run through the house as we're playfully chasing her around.

As holidays approach, you feel the emptiness where your child should be. I never got to see my grandparents holding her during dinner on Thanksgiving, her exploring the massive tree my mom puts up in the family room on Christmas, or her sitting at the kids table during family togethers with her cousins. We never got to do Halloween costumes or Easter Baskets for her. On Mother's and Father's Day, she isn't physically present to do fun things with our family.

There are times where I look at my children and can feel that empty space. I see the other things, things that nobody thinks of, that we were robbed of with Mary Beth. I never got to see her in school performances with classmates, never got to celebrate the first and last days of school, or take her shopping for new school clothes with her sisters. When shopping, I wonder if she would have the eclectic fashion sense that her little sister has, the more laid-back blase style of her older sister, or the fashionista style of her oldest sister. We never got to teach her how to ride a bike or even buy her one. We never will have the chance to see if she liked playing in the water. She never got the chance to go sled riding with us or build a snowman. She never got to experience painting her nails and using our make up to try to get fancy with her sisters.

Not only did we miss out on these fun childhood things, but, we're going to miss everything that occurs during the pre-teen and teen years. I'll never teach her how to shave her legs or argue with her over inappropriate training bras. There won't be any figuring out classes in school or any extra-curricular activities. I'm left to wonder what things would she be into- band, choir, softball, football, wrestling, etc. I won't get to deal with the "my mom is uncool" stage. We won't get to teach her how to drive or help buy her a car. There will be no sleep-overs with her friends or first boy/girlfriends or having to comfort her after her first heart-break. There won't be first jobs. We won't get to help her figure out her homework. She won't be here for any of our notorious late-night Walmart trips. There won't be any of her friends walking into our home saying, "Hey, Mom!". I won't get to go shopping for Homecoming or Prom or helping her get ready for these. We won't get to schedule senior pictures with my cousin.

As an adult, we won't be helping her figure out college, if she would have been interested in it. Would she of wanted to go in the military? There won't be any engagements or marriage, if that would have been on the table. There will never be grandbabies or grandfurbabies. I'm going to miss out on her talking with me while trying to figure out her future. There is someone out there that will never be part of our family because she isn't here.

We've lost more than milestones, we've lost an entire person worth of experiences and a chunk of our future. There's so much that was taken from her, us, and our family due to her death. We will never get that life back.

Life Is Crazy!!

          I am so sorry to of neglected this blog! I really need to get on the ball and post regularly, but this past month and a half have been absolutely insane.

          Mary's birthday is in exactly a month. As much as I try to not think about it, it's still right there. Mother's day is Sunday, and that's usually when I begin my downward spiral. I thought that after these years it wouldn't cause so much trepidation, but apparently I'm not there yet. Maybe one day. No matter what I'm feeling, I'm still going to put a smile on my face and continue living. I'm more than just a loss/angel/dead baby mom. You know, without this little girl, and everything that happened I wouldn't be where I am. She has helped shape my life in so many ways.

          School: So far, in English, I have an A. I'm still waiting to get two grades back, but it shouldn't be an issue. I majorly kicked butt in that class. That class has led me to change my major to Technical Communications. Writing is my hobby and I can be passionate about it. My Research Paper ended up with a 100% in a class where the average was much lower than that. I'm hoping to publish my paper here. It still needed a few extra touches, in my opinion, but that's ok! In my Math class, I am actually almost completely done with everything. How it's set up is you have 4 mods per class with each class lasting 8 weeks. Well, I managed to get so far ahead that I will end up receiving credit for additional classes since I've done two semesters worth of work in one, which will eliminate the need to pay for and take these extra classes. I never would of pictured myself doing this and doing it so well! I've received straight A's!! Come fall, I'm buckling down and going to school full time since all six of my children will be in school.

          Lastly, I'm going to start a small blog detailing my adventures with the reward sites I'm on. It would help having some actual experiences out there when looking at these programs. I'll put up a link when I do it, but it will likely not be for a couple weeks.

I want to share something sweet

Just yesterday, I jumped feet first into this project after sitting on it for a bit. Do I know what I'm doing?? Nope, not at all. That's ok though.

As I was out driving somewhere with the kids, we were listening to the radio. A song came on that I hadn't heard in a while. I knew in my heart that it was a sign from my daughter. The words really hit me.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

I will continue on my journey and do what I need to do. I'm going to sail this vessel and follow where it goes. I have learned from what's behind me. I never know what's in store, Each day is a constant battle. Being unsure of my religious leanings, I know I can rely on something higher than myself to help me make it through everything. I like to think my daughter is helping me. I could of just accepted that babies die and never stepped out. It was brave to do that, incredibly brave. We deal with the rapids daily but continue on. If we don't try, we'll never reach our destination. So, we will keep trying.

To top off our little road trip, we had a white butterfly come flying by us when we got out of the van. After she died, our yard was descended upon by white butterflies. Everywhere we went, there were white butterflies. We see them as a sign from her! Her headstone also has a butterfly and a good majority of her decorations are also butterflies!

Next tattoo- A sailing scene, but it will have to have a butterfly for Mary!

I want to share something sweet

Just yesterday, I jumped feet first into this project after sitting on it for a bit. Do I know what I'm doing?? Nope, not at all. That's ok though.

As I was out driving somewhere with the kids, we were listening to the radio. A song came on that I hadn't heard in a while. I knew in my heart that it was a sign from my daughter. The words really hit me.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

I will continue on my journey and do what I need to do. I'm going to sail this vessel and follow where it goes. I have learned from what's behind me. I never know what's in store, Each day is a constant battle. Being unsure of my religious leanings, I know I can rely on something higher than myself to help me make it through everything. I like to think my daughter is helping me. I could of just accepted that babies die and never stepped out. It was brave to do that, incredibly brave. We deal with the rapids daily but continue on. If we don't try, we'll never reach our destination. So, we will keep trying.

To top off our little road trip, we had a white butterfly come flying by us when we got out of the van. After she died, our yard was descended upon by white butterflies. Everywhere we went, there were white butterflies. We see them as a sign from her! Her headstone also has a butterfly and a good majority of her decorations are also butterflies!

Next tattoo- A sailing scene, but it will have to have a butterfly for Mary!

August 19th- Day of hope

Today has been labeled as the day of hope. This is not to be confused with October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Today we are breaking the silence and talking about our babies! So, here is my precious baby girl Mary! We love and miss her more than words can say! She will always be my precious baby girl!

August 19th- Day of hope

Today has been labeled as the day of hope. This is not to be confused with October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Today we are breaking the silence and talking about our babies! So, here is my precious baby girl Mary! We love and miss her more than words can say! She will always be my precious baby girl!