Happy Mothers Day- I forgive you

It is my gift to you after having spent much time pouring over Mother's Day card after Mother's Day card - helping the kids pick one out for you - and realizing that none of them express anything remotely close to those events that have transpired between us.

We racked our brains to think of the perfect gift for you... but what do you need? What do you want? What would even be meaningful, or enough, to you? Is there anything that would ultimately change you, them, us, for the better? Is there anything that truly fits this Mother's Day, for you, at this moment in time?

Forgiveness.

As I worked through the jaded feelings recollecting all the things that were never said, never done, never offered up on any Father's Day, birthdays, or holidays in between, I realized that what we both need more than anything is for me to let it go. And forgive.

You are not the perfect Mom. Or wife. I cannot muster up the strength to lie to you, nor am I sure it would do anyone any good. So instead, I will be honest.

I forgive you for the tiny white lies you told when we were dating many years ago - things I never learned the truth about until much, much later - at a time when you told me that it no longer mattered what you said "back then."

I forgive you for being angry at me for working so much that I couldn't help plan a wedding, for raising my hopes up high that maybe in two years... or three years... I wouldn't have to work like a dog. That things would coincide with your mothering and my business travels to plan out one very special day just for us. I forgive you for lying to me when you said "weddings don't mean anything" and "you're too strong of a woman to need something fairy-talish like that" because now, all these years later, you are resentful towards me for it.

I forgive you for expecting me to spend thousands on a ring, that truly isn't important.

I forgive you for resenting me for having to work to support our growing family.

I forgive you for throwing it in my face that we needed to move to a new area for my work. I would of loved to stay put and help raise our child.

I forgive you for acting like I couldn't change a diaper. All the newborn baby nights you said you didn't want or need my help and told me to sleep. All the work I had to do leading to me missing prenatal appointments, and lactation consulting, and doctors trips, but at least we had money for them.

I forgive you for getting angry that I couldn't participate in bedtime routines every single night. I forgive you for telling me I wasn't brushing their teeth right or reading the right story.

I Thank you for handling dinner, dishes, and the laundry while I work every day. I forgive you for not showing any appreciation towards how hard I work to provide the clothing and food in this house.

I forgive you for the kids' heartbreak when on the weekend they looked for me in the wee hours of the morning after you had repeatedly gotten their hopes up that I would be home.

I forgive you for blaming me for your lack of initiative in taking care of yourself. I forgive you for not utilizing the expensive baby carrying devices we have purchased.

I forgive you for not liking what I cook and putting me down because you don't think it's nutritious enough. When I stop off for fast food, I'm not doing it because I'm an idiot. I do it because I love you and don't want you to feel like you have to cook nor do I want to hear you criticize my cooking.

I forgive you for all the times you have held it against me that we couldn't do something. For all the times you harped and nagged wanting me to fix something in the miniscule amount of free time that I have. For all the times you wouldn't accept that we didn't have money to hire people to take care of everything you wanted.

I forgive you for never really listening. Even when I ask you to. Even when I repeat what is important.

I forgive you for the times your have picked fights with relatives and caused discord between us all.

I forgive you for blaming me, and me alone.

I forgive you for your change in admiration. The negative twist you placed on your body when I reassured you that you were beautiful. How you pushed me away so our child could breastfeed and co-sleep. I forgive you for not being able to see that not listening or respecting my concerns can hurt a marriage.

I forgive you for the loneliness that is so, so much more intense in an unhealthy marriage with the dream that maybe someday... I forgive you for the hope that doesn't often seem to show itself around here.

I forgive you for the days you've griped about needing time to unwind, but laid out rules you expected me to follow on where our kids can go, what they can do, and what they can eat completely taking the fun out of time that we have together.

I forgive you for the many "family" trips you were so impatient for that you decided to leave me behind.

I forgive you for the emotional and physical neglect. For treating me like a child. For teaching our kids that I am only good for sperm and money.

I do not know what is to come, and there are those who I am certain say I am a fool for giving you yet another chance. But you are not a violent woman. You do not mean to hurt us. In fact, you appear as a pretty typical mom and wife to most looking on. You are an average American mother... and maybe for that, I must forgive you too. And let go of those fairy-tale expectations of an equal partner and best friend for life.

So on this Mother's Day, as I try to occupy our kids and plan a nice day for what will surely not be the last time, I forgive you. And myself. Please do the best you can at being the greatest parent and partner you can be, and I promise to do the same. Hopefully, we will meet somewhere in the middle, and our kids will know that they are loved just as much every moment, of every day, as they are on this Mother's Day with you and hopefully we can show them what a healthy relationship can look like.

This is a rebuttal of something posted on Peaceful Parenting. Many women cheered and many of us cringed, so I did this up to show just how negative it truly is. The original was posted by a woman for Father's Day.

Happy Mothers Day- I forgive you

It is my gift to you after having spent much time pouring over Mother's Day card after Mother's Day card - helping the kids pick one out for you - and realizing that none of them express anything remotely close to those events that have transpired between us.

We racked our brains to think of the perfect gift for you... but what do you need? What do you want? What would even be meaningful, or enough, to you? Is there anything that would ultimately change you, them, us, for the better? Is there anything that truly fits this Mother's Day, for you, at this moment in time?

Forgiveness.

As I worked through the jaded feelings recollecting all the things that were never said, never done, never offered up on any Father's Day, birthdays, or holidays in between, I realized that what we both need more than anything is for me to let it go. And forgive.

You are not the perfect Mom. Or wife. I cannot muster up the strength to lie to you, nor am I sure it would do anyone any good. So instead, I will be honest.

I forgive you for the tiny white lies you told when we were dating many years ago - things I never learned the truth about until much, much later - at a time when you told me that it no longer mattered what you said "back then."

I forgive you for being angry at me for working so much that I couldn't help plan a wedding, for raising my hopes up high that maybe in two years... or three years... I wouldn't have to work like a dog. That things would coincide with your mothering and my business travels to plan out one very special day just for us. I forgive you for lying to me when you said "weddings don't mean anything" and "you're too strong of a woman to need something fairy-talish like that" because now, all these years later, you are resentful towards me for it.

I forgive you for expecting me to spend thousands on a ring, that truly isn't important.

I forgive you for resenting me for having to work to support our growing family.

I forgive you for throwing it in my face that we needed to move to a new area for my work. I would of loved to stay put and help raise our child.

I forgive you for acting like I couldn't change a diaper. All the newborn baby nights you said you didn't want or need my help and told me to sleep. All the work I had to do leading to me missing prenatal appointments, and lactation consulting, and doctors trips, but at least we had money for them.

I forgive you for getting angry that I couldn't participate in bedtime routines every single night. I forgive you for telling me I wasn't brushing their teeth right or reading the right story.

I Thank you for handling dinner, dishes, and the laundry while I work every day. I forgive you for not showing any appreciation towards how hard I work to provide the clothing and food in this house.

I forgive you for the kids' heartbreak when on the weekend they looked for me in the wee hours of the morning after you had repeatedly gotten their hopes up that I would be home.

I forgive you for blaming me for your lack of initiative in taking care of yourself. I forgive you for not utilizing the expensive baby carrying devices we have purchased.

I forgive you for not liking what I cook and putting me down because you don't think it's nutritious enough. When I stop off for fast food, I'm not doing it because I'm an idiot. I do it because I love you and don't want you to feel like you have to cook nor do I want to hear you criticize my cooking.

I forgive you for all the times you have held it against me that we couldn't do something. For all the times you harped and nagged wanting me to fix something in the miniscule amount of free time that I have. For all the times you wouldn't accept that we didn't have money to hire people to take care of everything you wanted.

I forgive you for never really listening. Even when I ask you to. Even when I repeat what is important.

I forgive you for the times your have picked fights with relatives and caused discord between us all.

I forgive you for blaming me, and me alone.

I forgive you for your change in admiration. The negative twist you placed on your body when I reassured you that you were beautiful. How you pushed me away so our child could breastfeed and co-sleep. I forgive you for not being able to see that not listening or respecting my concerns can hurt a marriage.

I forgive you for the loneliness that is so, so much more intense in an unhealthy marriage with the dream that maybe someday... I forgive you for the hope that doesn't often seem to show itself around here.

I forgive you for the days you've griped about needing time to unwind, but laid out rules you expected me to follow on where our kids can go, what they can do, and what they can eat completely taking the fun out of time that we have together.

I forgive you for the many "family" trips you were so impatient for that you decided to leave me behind.

I forgive you for the emotional and physical neglect. For treating me like a child. For teaching our kids that I am only good for sperm and money.

I do not know what is to come, and there are those who I am certain say I am a fool for giving you yet another chance. But you are not a violent woman. You do not mean to hurt us. In fact, you appear as a pretty typical mom and wife to most looking on. You are an average American mother... and maybe for that, I must forgive you too. And let go of those fairy-tale expectations of an equal partner and best friend for life.

So on this Mother's Day, as I try to occupy our kids and plan a nice day for what will surely not be the last time, I forgive you. And myself. Please do the best you can at being the greatest parent and partner you can be, and I promise to do the same. Hopefully, we will meet somewhere in the middle, and our kids will know that they are loved just as much every moment, of every day, as they are on this Mother's Day with you and hopefully we can show them what a healthy relationship can look like.

This is a rebuttal of something posted on Peaceful Parenting. Many women cheered and many of us cringed, so I did this up to show just how negative it truly is. The original was posted by a woman for Father's Day.

I'm pondering something

It's no secret that I DO support CNM's. Why?? 99% of them practice safely. They ARE educated and trained. Their statistics are fantastic! They do adhere to rules and regulations. There is a governing body. Reviews consist of an actual medical board instead of their "peers (ie buddies)". They do carry malpractice insurance. Need I go on??

There is legislation introduced fairly frequently in states where CPM's are illegal. We need people to combat this legislation in these states. I would also like to see a place where we can promote CNM's. Women want homebirth, so they need safe options. CNM's can provide the safety net that can make the difference between life and death for a baby and/or it's mother. There are so many changes that need made in the homebirth system in the USA.

Right now, I'm just brainstorming. Please give me honest opinions. What would you like to see?? I will never give birth again (happy dance- esp after seeing that FB photo circulating), but I want to see things change so that I'm not seeing so many homebirth losses. No family should have to bury their baby, esp when the baby has died a preventable death!! Mothers shouldn't be silenced or treated badly because they dare to admit that their midwife screwed up. These midwives should not continue to practice after multiple babies die preventable deaths. So much needs to change! I just don't know where to begin to really make a difference.

Until blogger gets fixed, I'm going to place my new email address in every post. So, if you want to contact me, you can drop me an email at momofmanyfeet@yahoo.com!

I'm pondering something

It's no secret that I DO support CNM's. Why?? 99% of them practice safely. They ARE educated and trained. Their statistics are fantastic! They do adhere to rules and regulations. There is a governing body. Reviews consist of an actual medical board instead of their "peers (ie buddies)". They do carry malpractice insurance. Need I go on??

There is legislation introduced fairly frequently in states where CPM's are illegal. We need people to combat this legislation in these states. I would also like to see a place where we can promote CNM's. Women want homebirth, so they need safe options. CNM's can provide the safety net that can make the difference between life and death for a baby and/or it's mother. There are so many changes that need made in the homebirth system in the USA.

Right now, I'm just brainstorming. Please give me honest opinions. What would you like to see?? I will never give birth again (happy dance- esp after seeing that FB photo circulating), but I want to see things change so that I'm not seeing so many homebirth losses. No family should have to bury their baby, esp when the baby has died a preventable death!! Mothers shouldn't be silenced or treated badly because they dare to admit that their midwife screwed up. These midwives should not continue to practice after multiple babies die preventable deaths. So much needs to change! I just don't know where to begin to really make a difference.

Until blogger gets fixed, I'm going to place my new email address in every post. So, if you want to contact me, you can drop me an email at momofmanyfeet@yahoo.com!

Yes, they really do say this stuff

I've spoken a few times on the crap said to homebirth loss moms who dare to speak up. I happened to of joined the facebook page for Business of Being Born. I shared my story and gave my spiel on CPM's, why they are dangerous, why they aren't comparable to European midwives, etc. Of course, we are called trolls because we don't clamor about how changed our lives were due to that docrapumentary and actually share real facts. Very few pwople have stood up to say "Hey, this other side needs to be shown instead of begging for the banning of these women". Yes, someone actually called for us to be banned from the page. For sharing facts! This really proves that advocates cannot handle dissenting opinion. The anger is comical. Now, I did get angry. Why?? Perhaps these statements will shed some light onto why some of us are so angry and this is really what we are up against when we choose to speak up

Your daughter probably would have lived if born in a hospital, or maybe the nurse/doctor there would have been in a rush and missed the signs....maybe you should have thought about all those risks BEFORE deciding to have a homebirth. Maybe you should have brushed up on the signs of not breathing and distress etc. Any mother that has a home birth should know the warning signs and seek help ASAP.

You need to accept some blame for this, or else you will never heal.

Just like we shouldn't put all our trust into our doctor, we shouldn't put all our trust into our midwives, no matter what initials come after their name. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR family at the end of the day. You chose where you wanted to birth, not anyone else.

I do agree that there should be some liability for midwives, such as malpractice so families can sue in the event something happens like yours Bambi, but you don't get off with nothing. Woman up and own your choice. If everything went wonderful, you'd be proud of your decision to homebirth.

I know many women who regret going to a hospital, to only be forced with a c-section, episiotomies, etc..but they know it was their choice to go there!

Isn't that so sweet??

Bambi, no one is trying to make you feel guilty. Fact is fact, YOU hired her. It sucks. It sucks so very much.

I never said it was ALL your fault but you it wasn't all your midwife's fault either. I think you should go troll somewhere else, it's obvious how you feel and what you are trying to do on this page...

I am for informed birth whether that's at home, hospital, birth center, in the woods or wherever you so choose!

One comment here was made by a doula, the other two a woman who wants to be a CPM! This is how mothers with homebirth losses are talked to for daring to share their stories. If we wonder why there aren't more women speaking up, we can certainly look to the homebirth advocates themselves. Silence anyone who doesn't speak how you approve of. Sadly, I did share the link to my last post pouring my heart out over how I feel. Homebirth advocates WANT loss moms broken and weak, like them.

Yes, they really do say this stuff

I've spoken a few times on the crap said to homebirth loss moms who dare to speak up. I happened to of joined the facebook page for Business of Being Born. I shared my story and gave my spiel on CPM's, why they are dangerous, why they aren't comparable to European midwives, etc. Of course, we are called trolls because we don't clamor about how changed our lives were due to that docrapumentary and actually share real facts. Very few pwople have stood up to say "Hey, this other side needs to be shown instead of begging for the banning of these women". Yes, someone actually called for us to be banned from the page. For sharing facts! This really proves that advocates cannot handle dissenting opinion. The anger is comical. Now, I did get angry. Why?? Perhaps these statements will shed some light onto why some of us are so angry and this is really what we are up against when we choose to speak up

Your daughter probably would have lived if born in a hospital, or maybe the nurse/doctor there would have been in a rush and missed the signs....maybe you should have thought about all those risks BEFORE deciding to have a homebirth. Maybe you should have brushed up on the signs of not breathing and distress etc. Any mother that has a home birth should know the warning signs and seek help ASAP.

You need to accept some blame for this, or else you will never heal.

Just like we shouldn't put all our trust into our doctor, we shouldn't put all our trust into our midwives, no matter what initials come after their name. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR family at the end of the day. You chose where you wanted to birth, not anyone else.

I do agree that there should be some liability for midwives, such as malpractice so families can sue in the event something happens like yours Bambi, but you don't get off with nothing. Woman up and own your choice. If everything went wonderful, you'd be proud of your decision to homebirth.

I know many women who regret going to a hospital, to only be forced with a c-section, episiotomies, etc..but they know it was their choice to go there!

Isn't that so sweet??

Bambi, no one is trying to make you feel guilty. Fact is fact, YOU hired her. It sucks. It sucks so very much.

I never said it was ALL your fault but you it wasn't all your midwife's fault either. I think you should go troll somewhere else, it's obvious how you feel and what you are trying to do on this page...

I am for informed birth whether that's at home, hospital, birth center, in the woods or wherever you so choose!

One comment here was made by a doula, the other two a woman who wants to be a CPM! This is how mothers with homebirth losses are talked to for daring to share their stories. If we wonder why there aren't more women speaking up, we can certainly look to the homebirth advocates themselves. Silence anyone who doesn't speak how you approve of. Sadly, I did share the link to my last post pouring my heart out over how I feel. Homebirth advocates WANT loss moms broken and weak, like them.

We remember

Mary's birthday is tomorrow, June 5th. For the past few weeks, the weight has gotten heavier and heavier. I know today and early tomorrow will be the worst part of it. When we arrive at the cemetary, there will be some tears shed as we remember her and her brief life. Then we will release the balloons and have a picnic, with cupcakes freshly baked by us. This will repeat every year as it has since her death. At some point, that day is supposed to get easier- I'm just not sure when.

Three years later, I am still angry. How could this midwife reassure us that our daughter was in perfect health when she was in trouble? This midwife just walked away. Oddly enough, she had asked an old friend if she had heard from me just days before the old friend lost her baby. I bet she wonders about me. I'm here warning other parents about you and you know it. My guess is she wanted to know what I've been up to and what to watch out for or maybe hoping my public endeavors would be over. I want her to remember my daughter and want her to remember me until her dying day. I probably wouldn't hate her so much if there had been some sort of accountability. Saying "please don't sue me, please don't believe the coroner- believe me, and don't go after homebirth" doesn't quite say "I'm sorry for fucking up so majorly". Do I care if my baby's death impacted her emotionally? Nope, not at all. I don't feel that midwives should be able to say "Omg, I'm so so sad, this has impacted me horribly" and then just walk like nothing happened. If they aren't dealing with the emotions that come from losing their baby day in and day out, their emotions mean nothing. Yeah, this is just a small glance into my anger.

I am still so very sad. I still feel at fault (yep, score 1 for the advocate camp who gloats when a mom carries this burden or encourages her to feel this badly). I know people remind me all the time that it was all the midwife's fault. BUT I chose her and chose to homebirth. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me do it. Did I have all the information available? No, I didn't. Still, I should have. I live every day knowing I made a stupid decision and my baby paid the ultimate price for it. This has caused a lot of mental stress/anguish. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off since she died. Sometimes the weight of it all is more than I can handle. I battle depression. I know the guilt is what causes all of this, but, nothing I can ever do will ever get rid of that- unless time travel becomes an option or I die. Nobody should ever feel this. Not a single day goes by that I don't miss her and wish I had done things much differently. What I wouldn't give to of been able to experience all those things that most parents take for granted. Late nights with spit up, crying, and poo would of been welcomed.

I will continue on in my advocacy, for not only my precious daughter, but for all the babies who have died at the hands of negligent homebirth midwives.

Happy Birthday, Mary Beth. I wish you were here celebrating this with us. You will always be loved and remembered, Princess!!!

We remember

Mary's birthday is tomorrow, June 5th. For the past few weeks, the weight has gotten heavier and heavier. I know today and early tomorrow will be the worst part of it. When we arrive at the cemetary, there will be some tears shed as we remember her and her brief life. Then we will release the balloons and have a picnic, with cupcakes freshly baked by us. This will repeat every year as it has since her death. At some point, that day is supposed to get easier- I'm just not sure when.

Three years later, I am still angry. How could this midwife reassure us that our daughter was in perfect health when she was in trouble? This midwife just walked away. Oddly enough, she had asked an old friend if she had heard from me just days before the old friend lost her baby. I bet she wonders about me. I'm here warning other parents about you and you know it. My guess is she wanted to know what I've been up to and what to watch out for or maybe hoping my public endeavors would be over. I want her to remember my daughter and want her to remember me until her dying day. I probably wouldn't hate her so much if there had been some sort of accountability. Saying "please don't sue me, please don't believe the coroner- believe me, and don't go after homebirth" doesn't quite say "I'm sorry for fucking up so majorly". Do I care if my baby's death impacted her emotionally? Nope, not at all. I don't feel that midwives should be able to say "Omg, I'm so so sad, this has impacted me horribly" and then just walk like nothing happened. If they aren't dealing with the emotions that come from losing their baby day in and day out, their emotions mean nothing. Yeah, this is just a small glance into my anger.

I am still so very sad. I still feel at fault (yep, score 1 for the advocate camp who gloats when a mom carries this burden or encourages her to feel this badly). I know people remind me all the time that it was all the midwife's fault. BUT I chose her and chose to homebirth. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me do it. Did I have all the information available? No, I didn't. Still, I should have. I live every day knowing I made a stupid decision and my baby paid the ultimate price for it. This has caused a lot of mental stress/anguish. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off since she died. Sometimes the weight of it all is more than I can handle. I battle depression. I know the guilt is what causes all of this, but, nothing I can ever do will ever get rid of that- unless time travel becomes an option or I die. Nobody should ever feel this. Not a single day goes by that I don't miss her and wish I had done things much differently. What I wouldn't give to of been able to experience all those things that most parents take for granted. Late nights with spit up, crying, and poo would of been welcomed.

I will continue on in my advocacy, for not only my precious daughter, but for all the babies who have died at the hands of negligent homebirth midwives.

Happy Birthday, Mary Beth. I wish you were here celebrating this with us. You will always be loved and remembered, Princess!!!

Angel Stella's Story

This is Stella's story, written by her mother Krystal:

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd, and what we were calling, our last addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural home birth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there)
The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appmt. and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, any day. I prepped the birth pool and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
Thursday morning i woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am DH woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and I decided to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since i woke so i started playing with my belly, still no movement. DS woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15 when I placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 I was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am I talked with the nurse and she insisted I come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There I met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins and I was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a Doppler. Baby's HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine when DH arrived. We sat for a min listening to the sweet sound of our child's heartbeat feeling relieved she was still kicking it in there. Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. Suddenly the machine started alarming and DH went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, stared an IV, and hooked up the monitors again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dilated. Not favorable for induction. The baby's HB then again went from 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. she sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and I would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off I went into surgery. This was at 11:15am I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. I prayed.
Then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, i couldn't open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I remember seeing DH on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me. The Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.



All i could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to DH sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
It took me a long time to talk at all, even to DH. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Drs and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. how helpless he felt not being able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occurring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started waring off, I felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasn't in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a separate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
I told the nurses that I didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one i wanted to see but DH. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.


We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curly hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell I will never forget.
DH held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.

I couldn't understand how a child so perfect couldn't be living, breathing, crying, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why.
Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and i am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as i prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did i do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on Friday as well. I am glad i could see them, for they've been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do.
By Saturday I had to get strong, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, i am hoping i can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They brought that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.
I had contacted my MW asking for our money back that we paid her for the home birth the day before as well as letting her know about Stella's service. She had not tried contacting me or tried visiting us at all Since the day i called he in distress. She ended up sending the check back wrapped in scrap paper tore from a notebook with not even a note written on it. She never sent a card of condolence or attend my daughters service. After 5 1/2 months she not once tried contacting me or try sending any kind of bereavement information. She bailed 100% and acted like me had never existed.

I contacted her through email with this note:
Rosemary,

I wanted to write you and get a few things off of my chest. I have been having a really hard time coping with this loss and i feel the way you handled our situation was completely unacceptable and unprofessional. I had so much trust in you and felt very close friendship with you as well. I had always dreamed of having a home birth and a close friend like relationship with the care provider that would accompany us at our home durring the birth of our child. I felt i had found that in you durring my entire pregnancy & I expected if things were to go awry, that you would be there for me. You told my husband and I, that in care of transfer or emergency, that you would be there for us by our sides in the hospital. You were not. I also expected, with you being a mother of 9 children yourself, that you would have the compassion to send at least a note of sympathy or card of condolence. When i received the check back just wrapped in a piece of paper tore from a notebook with not even a single word written on it, my heart, or what was left of it at the time, shattered along with all of my dreams and expectations of this entire experience. I begged and pleaded with Matt to have this home birthing experience, and the turn out was even WORSE that i could have EVER IMAGINED and how you "handled" the situation, made it all that much harder on us both. I would expect a professional midwife to take the initiative to be there for her patients in the good times and the bad. You could have also joined us for the service or sent a card of sympathy. When you didn't do a single thing i felt that you had lied to me the entire time i was entrusting you with our family. Like we didn't matter at all. I felt completely abandoned and still do. You could have also sent some bereavement information to let us know you care, and what we could expect from this disaster that has become our life.

I suggest and personally ask that as you carry on as a professional certified nurse midwife, that God forbid in the event that another family has to endure the tragedy of stillbirth, you would show more compassion and care in you dealings with them. I am not sure if i was the first experience of stillbirth you have encountered in your career, but i know i will surely NOT be the last with the rates of this occurring. You should really think about how to handle situations like this in a more professional and compassionate manner. Such as sending out information on bereavement, attending the service and helping them through the grief. I am also hoping this letter may have opened your eyes to this tragedy and how it truely effected me and my family, and that you learn to deal with this kind of situation in a more professional manner. I would also like to know why you decided to act in the manner that you did? Why did you just seem to dissappear and leave us alone in this grief? Maybe in knowing this and expressing my feelings to you i will be able to move on in my grief.
Was this too much to expect from a midwife i trusted and felt was also a friend.
Sincerely,

~Krystal

She wrote me back a few days later with nothing but a ton of lame excuses and not even once on that letter did she extend any kind of condolence to the fact that my daughter DIED. The experience i wished and hoped for turned out to be the biggest disaster that engulfed my life. Had i made a better decision and stick it out with a professional my entire pregnancy, there may be a chance my daughter would still be here. The choice of wanting a home birth was selfish of me and it cost my daughters life and my MW could care less. I just pray that this doesnt happen to any other family with her practicing with such unprofessionalism. There were so many warning signs i now see she totally looked over though out my pregnancy with Stella. The day before i mentioned to her that Stella was not moving like she normally does and she brushed it off like she had dropped and was ready to join us. She had her midwife in training do the entire appointment that day when she should have been looking into Stella's condition herself. The next day, not even 24 hours later my daughter was dead. If only she wouldve used the protocols for non moving babies and listened to Stella's HB for 15 mins even, i bet she wouldve found concern and sent me in for a NST, and my daughter could be here and alive and almost 6 months old. But no. That is not how it works when MWs think everything is always OK. Stillbirth and complications are FAR TOO common and should never be brushed off. Women and families need to know the facts and stop thinking everything will always be OK, because its not, more than 1 in 115 births end in stillbirth, that is about 70 families a day...now add in the statistics of complications and it is staggering. I wouldn't put my child into a car with out a belt or car seat because just maybe we will have an accident, so why did i feel it was OK to birth at home and let an "inexperienced" MW (she claimed to be a CNW with loads of experience but showed her true colors after the fact) deal with my pregnancy and delivery? It was like riding with no seat belt and we were the ones who got into the crash.

Krystal blogs at My Star In Heaven. Please go over and show her some love and support!!

Angel Stella's Story

This is Stella's story, written by her mother Krystal:

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd, and what we were calling, our last addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural home birth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there)
The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appmt. and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, any day. I prepped the birth pool and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
Thursday morning i woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am DH woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and I decided to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since i woke so i started playing with my belly, still no movement. DS woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15 when I placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 I was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am I talked with the nurse and she insisted I come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There I met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins and I was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a Doppler. Baby's HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine when DH arrived. We sat for a min listening to the sweet sound of our child's heartbeat feeling relieved she was still kicking it in there. Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. Suddenly the machine started alarming and DH went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, stared an IV, and hooked up the monitors again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dilated. Not favorable for induction. The baby's HB then again went from 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. she sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and I would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off I went into surgery. This was at 11:15am I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. I prayed.
Then all went black.
I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, i couldn't open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I remember seeing DH on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me. The Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.



All i could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to DH sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
It took me a long time to talk at all, even to DH. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Drs and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. how helpless he felt not being able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occurring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body.
After a couple of hours, when the drugs started waring off, I felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasn't in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a separate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
I told the nurses that I didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one i wanted to see but DH. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.


We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curly hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell I will never forget.
DH held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.

I couldn't understand how a child so perfect couldn't be living, breathing, crying, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why.
Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and i am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as i prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did i do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on Friday as well. I am glad i could see them, for they've been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do.
By Saturday I had to get strong, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, i am hoping i can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They brought that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair.
I had contacted my MW asking for our money back that we paid her for the home birth the day before as well as letting her know about Stella's service. She had not tried contacting me or tried visiting us at all Since the day i called he in distress. She ended up sending the check back wrapped in scrap paper tore from a notebook with not even a note written on it. She never sent a card of condolence or attend my daughters service. After 5 1/2 months she not once tried contacting me or try sending any kind of bereavement information. She bailed 100% and acted like me had never existed.

I contacted her through email with this note:
Rosemary,

I wanted to write you and get a few things off of my chest. I have been having a really hard time coping with this loss and i feel the way you handled our situation was completely unacceptable and unprofessional. I had so much trust in you and felt very close friendship with you as well. I had always dreamed of having a home birth and a close friend like relationship with the care provider that would accompany us at our home durring the birth of our child. I felt i had found that in you durring my entire pregnancy & I expected if things were to go awry, that you would be there for me. You told my husband and I, that in care of transfer or emergency, that you would be there for us by our sides in the hospital. You were not. I also expected, with you being a mother of 9 children yourself, that you would have the compassion to send at least a note of sympathy or card of condolence. When i received the check back just wrapped in a piece of paper tore from a notebook with not even a single word written on it, my heart, or what was left of it at the time, shattered along with all of my dreams and expectations of this entire experience. I begged and pleaded with Matt to have this home birthing experience, and the turn out was even WORSE that i could have EVER IMAGINED and how you "handled" the situation, made it all that much harder on us both. I would expect a professional midwife to take the initiative to be there for her patients in the good times and the bad. You could have also joined us for the service or sent a card of sympathy. When you didn't do a single thing i felt that you had lied to me the entire time i was entrusting you with our family. Like we didn't matter at all. I felt completely abandoned and still do. You could have also sent some bereavement information to let us know you care, and what we could expect from this disaster that has become our life.

I suggest and personally ask that as you carry on as a professional certified nurse midwife, that God forbid in the event that another family has to endure the tragedy of stillbirth, you would show more compassion and care in you dealings with them. I am not sure if i was the first experience of stillbirth you have encountered in your career, but i know i will surely NOT be the last with the rates of this occurring. You should really think about how to handle situations like this in a more professional and compassionate manner. Such as sending out information on bereavement, attending the service and helping them through the grief. I am also hoping this letter may have opened your eyes to this tragedy and how it truely effected me and my family, and that you learn to deal with this kind of situation in a more professional manner. I would also like to know why you decided to act in the manner that you did? Why did you just seem to dissappear and leave us alone in this grief? Maybe in knowing this and expressing my feelings to you i will be able to move on in my grief.
Was this too much to expect from a midwife i trusted and felt was also a friend.
Sincerely,

~Krystal

She wrote me back a few days later with nothing but a ton of lame excuses and not even once on that letter did she extend any kind of condolence to the fact that my daughter DIED. The experience i wished and hoped for turned out to be the biggest disaster that engulfed my life. Had i made a better decision and stick it out with a professional my entire pregnancy, there may be a chance my daughter would still be here. The choice of wanting a home birth was selfish of me and it cost my daughters life and my MW could care less. I just pray that this doesnt happen to any other family with her practicing with such unprofessionalism. There were so many warning signs i now see she totally looked over though out my pregnancy with Stella. The day before i mentioned to her that Stella was not moving like she normally does and she brushed it off like she had dropped and was ready to join us. She had her midwife in training do the entire appointment that day when she should have been looking into Stella's condition herself. The next day, not even 24 hours later my daughter was dead. If only she wouldve used the protocols for non moving babies and listened to Stella's HB for 15 mins even, i bet she wouldve found concern and sent me in for a NST, and my daughter could be here and alive and almost 6 months old. But no. That is not how it works when MWs think everything is always OK. Stillbirth and complications are FAR TOO common and should never be brushed off. Women and families need to know the facts and stop thinking everything will always be OK, because its not, more than 1 in 115 births end in stillbirth, that is about 70 families a day...now add in the statistics of complications and it is staggering. I wouldn't put my child into a car with out a belt or car seat because just maybe we will have an accident, so why did i feel it was OK to birth at home and let an "inexperienced" MW (she claimed to be a CNW with loads of experience but showed her true colors after the fact) deal with my pregnancy and delivery? It was like riding with no seat belt and we were the ones who got into the crash.

Krystal blogs at My Star In Heaven. Please go over and show her some love and support!!

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Assumptions about homebirth losses

Recently, I received a link about a michigan woman who had a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. The DEM encouraged her to continue on, ending up at 44 weeks. Of course, this leads to comments about how the mother should of researched her provider and educated herself. When any homebirth horror story is shared, this line is constantly thrown around, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!! Nothing grates my nerves more. This line is used to take the blame away from negligent midwives and to pacify advocates who think it can't happen to them. Well, guess what advocates?? You are just as likely to have YOUR baby die as we did.

What research didn't we do?? We ask our midwives about outcomes and credentials. We have references. What else are women suppose to do? They cannot look through all the midwives "patient" records. We also know is some states it will only show if there has been a sanction, no mention of who brought it up, or what happened, just what the ruling was. Faith Beltz's said something to the effect of not writing something down, nothing about a dead baby. So, since advocates know so much, can they please tell women how to research their midwives ahead of time?? How many are handing clients the names of mothers who lost babies due to their negligence?? My guess is NONE. Women are not nind readers and cannot predict that their midwive will fail them and their baby. If I had known Brenda would fail Mary like she did, I would of run away quickly.

As for educating ourselves- how didn't we do this? Oh, you may have a point. We read Ina, Jennifer, and Henci's books. We watched BOBB (not me, but I know others who have). We saw the summaries of various studies like the Johnson Davies and Netherlands which said homebirth was as safe or safer than hospitals. We learned all about pregnancy and childbirth. We ate perfectly and kept ourselves in shape. We learned why hospitals and Doctors are bad. We learned why cesareans occur. We educated ourselves just like advocates do now. We hung out on homebirth boards. So, what makes you think we were uneducated? It sounds like you are telling us that a mother is uneducated if her baby dies. How logical is that??

Now, one of the things I have noticed is you all are your own cheering section. Women are encouraged to have homebirths even in high risk situations. Instead of saying "This is high risk and you should have your baby in a hospital", women are told "Oh that's a variation of normal", "stick garlic in your vagina", "practice the brewer diet", "Gestational diabetes doesn't exist", etc. Then, if there is a bad outcome and the mother speaks out, she is automatically villianized. She listened to others who reinforced what her midwife was telling her so how is she to know that something is actually dangerous?? By educating herself?? Mind you, homebirth websites don't even tell or encourage hospital birth. Homebirth sites tell you how walking into a hospital means pitocin, an epidural, fetal distress, then a c-section. Women are conditioned to fear doctors and hospitals. Do you not see what kind of environment you, as a homebirth advocate, create?? So, then baby dies, you go on to mistreat the mother and blame her for her baby's death??

When a baby dies, it's death can be laid on the shoulders of the incompetant midwife and the advocates who encourage homebirth at no cost while telling mom lies about the medical system. Stop blaming parents. Blaming them won't make you immune, so just stop. Would you be happy if one of these mothers totally cracked and ended up in the psych ward, intensive counseling, or dead from suicide?? You are so worried about PPD from c-sections and traumatic births, but don't care if YOU push a grieving mother into having this. I can promise the mother blames herself all the time and carries that weight, even when all she did was choose a provider. Yet, you insist on making sure that weight she carries is unbearable, just to try to push your agenda. I would never dream of blaming a mom for her child's death, yet homebirth advocates do this all the time. Perhaps all of you need to take a step back and put yourself in another person's shoes for two seconds. Your ASSumptions about lack of research and lack of education have absolutely no credibility.

If you cannot handle these stories, start holding incompetent midwives accountable so they stop occurring. Stop lashing out at us. Lashing out at us doesn't make a midwife practice any differently. We aren't hurting the movement, negligent midwives are and your support of them is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

Midwives and their supporters really care!

Looking at the recent events in Virginia, soon to be Maryland too, it leads me to really think about things. Here we have a woman, Karen Carr, who feels a passion to become a midwife due to her c-section. We all have passions for things we do. My husband became passionate about sick babies, so he has chosen to go to nursing school. I am passionate about helping parents, so I am active with my support group and involved with local perinatal bereavement programs at the hospitals around here. We care because we had a baby that died.

Midwives, like Carr, have a passion, but are unwilling to make that passion become an admirable or even respectable endeavor. They want to get out there and deliver babies, but, do not want to spend the time or energy to actually get educated or trained. This is how much they care about women and babies. Instead of looking at WHY laws are the way they are when it comes to midwifery, they stick their tongue out and say they are going to do what they want regardless. They couldn't possibly understand that laws exist to protect the public. Why do they need protecting?? Because CPM's are not educated or trained.

Let's look at how we are spoon fed the line about homebirths being as safe or safer than hospital births. On one hand we have CDC Statistics showing a 3X higher risk of babies dying while on the other, we have MANA who refuses to release numbers. We have Melissa Cheyney, who accepted $53K in grant money from two organizations to help with MANAstats between fall 2008 and spring 2010, that sits on the board for the Oregon Midwifery Council and MANA, that wants oregon midwives to report to MANA. Let's look at this- One woman deciding that all members of this group share numbers and information with another organization that she is paid to help play with their numbers, that they then refuse to release. Sounds like she gets a hefty paycheck helping MANA hide their numbers. If they really cared about women, they would say "Here are the numbers". It isn't hard to do. Why not have a site like CDC Wonder allowing us to see transfers, VBAC, Twins, deaths and when they occured, breech, etc? Why don't homebirth advocates ask the questions about midwives and homebirths as they do about hospitals and OB's? Why is it acceptable for midwifery organizations to refuse to share information with the people they are trying to help? Simply put, because they really don't care about the advocates. They know these women are weak and will believe anything they say. They prey upon this weakness. We know Melissa has made a pretty penny here, so maybe we should look at the rest of the people involved with MANA. From the looks of it, since 2004, MANA has received 18 grants from the Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery. That foundation also gave money to the authors of the infamous BMJ study, actually both years before it's release and then again a year after it's release. I'm thinking these people care more about money than they do women or babies. After all, if they cared, there wouldn't be all this money wasted on an organization that doesn't really do anything besides sit there spouting the same nonsense that they always have.

What about dead babies, who cares for them?? Good question. I would certainly say their parents and those who warn against the dangers that CPM's pose. Look at Karen Carr and Amy Medwin. Hell., look at my midwife, Brenda Newport and Faith Beltz, midwife presiding over the death of Liz P's baby. All of these midwives just chalked it up to a loss and moved on. My midwife didn't care until she knew she was at risk for being arrested, then again when she learned we filed a complaint and had information in hand. That was as far as her caring went. Midwives care when they feel they stand to lose something. That's it. Homebirth advocates, they don't care. I recently did a piece on the attitudes and things said that can outline this better. Suffice it to say, again, they don't care. As far as they are concerned, it would of happened regardless or it's your fault. They will only support you if you pretend the midwife and/or location had nothing to do with it, so you have to act like you don't care and don't talk about the circumstances, ever. Would anyone who really cared treat a homebirth loss mom like that?? No, not hardly. They would pissed as all get out that an innocent baby died. They wouldn't want to see that midwife risking lives all over. We now know Carr had two deaths within a three month time span. Advocates still think this is ok and no big deal. There are 2 dead babies out of her 135 from last year. What about all the years prior? Medwin had two dead babies a month apart! Even Melissa dismissed a complaint brought forth by parents when their baby died!! If advocates and midwives really cared, this wouldn't be so commonplace nor would it be so accepted.

What happens when there are preventable hospital losses? A) There are investigations done into conduct. People are disciplined accordingly. Doctors are sued. You won't find a doctor telling parents "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too" and then chit chatting their buddy saying "Next time, make sure you write down this BP, now go enjoy yourself". B) They look into and even do change policies. They don't want these things to happen again. It's called learning from experience. They aren't going to, again, say "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too". One preventable loss is one loss too many to doctors and hospitals. If they screw up, they want to fix it.

So, do midwives or advocates really care about women/babies?? Better yet, what have they done to show they care?

Midwives and their supporters really care!

Looking at the recent events in Virginia, soon to be Maryland too, it leads me to really think about things. Here we have a woman, Karen Carr, who feels a passion to become a midwife due to her c-section. We all have passions for things we do. My husband became passionate about sick babies, so he has chosen to go to nursing school. I am passionate about helping parents, so I am active with my support group and involved with local perinatal bereavement programs at the hospitals around here. We care because we had a baby that died.

Midwives, like Carr, have a passion, but are unwilling to make that passion become an admirable or even respectable endeavor. They want to get out there and deliver babies, but, do not want to spend the time or energy to actually get educated or trained. This is how much they care about women and babies. Instead of looking at WHY laws are the way they are when it comes to midwifery, they stick their tongue out and say they are going to do what they want regardless. They couldn't possibly understand that laws exist to protect the public. Why do they need protecting?? Because CPM's are not educated or trained.

Let's look at how we are spoon fed the line about homebirths being as safe or safer than hospital births. On one hand we have CDC Statistics showing a 3X higher risk of babies dying while on the other, we have MANA who refuses to release numbers. We have Melissa Cheyney, who accepted $53K in grant money from two organizations to help with MANAstats between fall 2008 and spring 2010, that sits on the board for the Oregon Midwifery Council and MANA, that wants oregon midwives to report to MANA. Let's look at this- One woman deciding that all members of this group share numbers and information with another organization that she is paid to help play with their numbers, that they then refuse to release. Sounds like she gets a hefty paycheck helping MANA hide their numbers. If they really cared about women, they would say "Here are the numbers". It isn't hard to do. Why not have a site like CDC Wonder allowing us to see transfers, VBAC, Twins, deaths and when they occured, breech, etc? Why don't homebirth advocates ask the questions about midwives and homebirths as they do about hospitals and OB's? Why is it acceptable for midwifery organizations to refuse to share information with the people they are trying to help? Simply put, because they really don't care about the advocates. They know these women are weak and will believe anything they say. They prey upon this weakness. We know Melissa has made a pretty penny here, so maybe we should look at the rest of the people involved with MANA. From the looks of it, since 2004, MANA has received 18 grants from the Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery. That foundation also gave money to the authors of the infamous BMJ study, actually both years before it's release and then again a year after it's release. I'm thinking these people care more about money than they do women or babies. After all, if they cared, there wouldn't be all this money wasted on an organization that doesn't really do anything besides sit there spouting the same nonsense that they always have.

What about dead babies, who cares for them?? Good question. I would certainly say their parents and those who warn against the dangers that CPM's pose. Look at Karen Carr and Amy Medwin. Hell., look at my midwife, Brenda Newport and Faith Beltz, midwife presiding over the death of Liz P's baby. All of these midwives just chalked it up to a loss and moved on. My midwife didn't care until she knew she was at risk for being arrested, then again when she learned we filed a complaint and had information in hand. That was as far as her caring went. Midwives care when they feel they stand to lose something. That's it. Homebirth advocates, they don't care. I recently did a piece on the attitudes and things said that can outline this better. Suffice it to say, again, they don't care. As far as they are concerned, it would of happened regardless or it's your fault. They will only support you if you pretend the midwife and/or location had nothing to do with it, so you have to act like you don't care and don't talk about the circumstances, ever. Would anyone who really cared treat a homebirth loss mom like that?? No, not hardly. They would pissed as all get out that an innocent baby died. They wouldn't want to see that midwife risking lives all over. We now know Carr had two deaths within a three month time span. Advocates still think this is ok and no big deal. There are 2 dead babies out of her 135 from last year. What about all the years prior? Medwin had two dead babies a month apart! Even Melissa dismissed a complaint brought forth by parents when their baby died!! If advocates and midwives really cared, this wouldn't be so commonplace nor would it be so accepted.

What happens when there are preventable hospital losses? A) There are investigations done into conduct. People are disciplined accordingly. Doctors are sued. You won't find a doctor telling parents "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too" and then chit chatting their buddy saying "Next time, make sure you write down this BP, now go enjoy yourself". B) They look into and even do change policies. They don't want these things to happen again. It's called learning from experience. They aren't going to, again, say "Eh, babies die at other hospitals too". One preventable loss is one loss too many to doctors and hospitals. If they screw up, they want to fix it.

So, do midwives or advocates really care about women/babies?? Better yet, what have they done to show they care?

Priorities?

I normally don't write a lot because I usually need quite a bit of motivation. With today being friday, it's been a lazy day. I've watched the younger two girls play, played with them, made food, and took Ireland on a million trips to the potty (with no accidents). Course, I got to sit down and just read. As I was reading Dr. Amy's latest entry, there was a link provided to a message board where a mother shared her story of trying to labor then suddenly being rushed to the OR only to be administered general and sectioned without her consent. Her and the baby both ended up fine.

There are so many things that do not sit well with me here. Bear with me.

1. People are encouraging her to call the police to report this. Yet, when a homebirth goes south and a midwife screws up and a baby ends up dead, they want the police to leave the midwife alone!

2. People are yelling for this woman to sue. Yet, they support midwives being untouchable and don't believe they should be sued. They also scream that people need to stop filing lawsuits because they drive up medical costs.

3. This mother is seriously supported. Yet, they are the first ones to cast stones at mothers who lose babies due to negligent midwives.

4. This mom is encouraged to go to the media and share her story. Yet, those of us harmed by midwives need to just go hide under a rock.

5. They use this ONE story to tell women that this happens daily in hospitals across the USA. Yet, if we (yes, WE) warn, we are accussed of fear-mongering and they deny that midwives are negligent.

6. All those involved in this woman's care should lose their licenses. Yet, midwives shouldn't. Again, this woman's child is ALIVE, while our babies are all DEAD.

7. All medical personnel change your women's records so the real reasons for c-section seem legitimate. Yet, if we state our records were changed, nobody believes us.

8. It is a huge deal that she lost her birth. Yet, no biggie that we lost our children.

It really bothers me that women will latch onto something like this but not care about what women like me or Liz or Erin have been through. They take this and run, but our stories need to be silenced. Is it just me or is there something seriously lacking in these ladies priorities. I do know how many of these women behave because they are the same ones who would give me crap over what happened to me. Interesting, isn't it??

Priorities?

I normally don't write a lot because I usually need quite a bit of motivation. With today being friday, it's been a lazy day. I've watched the younger two girls play, played with them, made food, and took Ireland on a million trips to the potty (with no accidents). Course, I got to sit down and just read. As I was reading Dr. Amy's latest entry, there was a link provided to a message board where a mother shared her story of trying to labor then suddenly being rushed to the OR only to be administered general and sectioned without her consent. Her and the baby both ended up fine.

There are so many things that do not sit well with me here. Bear with me.

1. People are encouraging her to call the police to report this. Yet, when a homebirth goes south and a midwife screws up and a baby ends up dead, they want the police to leave the midwife alone!

2. People are yelling for this woman to sue. Yet, they support midwives being untouchable and don't believe they should be sued. They also scream that people need to stop filing lawsuits because they drive up medical costs.

3. This mother is seriously supported. Yet, they are the first ones to cast stones at mothers who lose babies due to negligent midwives.

4. This mom is encouraged to go to the media and share her story. Yet, those of us harmed by midwives need to just go hide under a rock.

5. They use this ONE story to tell women that this happens daily in hospitals across the USA. Yet, if we (yes, WE) warn, we are accussed of fear-mongering and they deny that midwives are negligent.

6. All those involved in this woman's care should lose their licenses. Yet, midwives shouldn't. Again, this woman's child is ALIVE, while our babies are all DEAD.

7. All medical personnel change your women's records so the real reasons for c-section seem legitimate. Yet, if we state our records were changed, nobody believes us.

8. It is a huge deal that she lost her birth. Yet, no biggie that we lost our children.

It really bothers me that women will latch onto something like this but not care about what women like me or Liz or Erin have been through. They take this and run, but our stories need to be silenced. Is it just me or is there something seriously lacking in these ladies priorities. I do know how many of these women behave because they are the same ones who would give me crap over what happened to me. Interesting, isn't it??

Mind your own birth

Since I began blogging and immersing myself in the birthing world, I get to come across lots of interesting blogs and people. On one facebook group, members can talk about how uneducated and uninformed their friends are when it comes to giving birth. It also hurts these women so very much when their friends don't have the births they feel their friends should. The only places I see this is on natural birth groups.

Another friend told me of a family member's horrible, mismanaged, traumatic (for mom, dad and baby), intervention-happy birth. I almost told her to stop...it broke my heart. Keep preaching the education and information mamas. Our friends and families need to be educated to be make informed choices for themselves! Start with a competent, knowledgeable, respectful care provider!!!

This is strictly opinion. However it proves that anyone who does not fall for the natural agenda MUST be uneducated and uninformed! How heartbreaking that someone had a birth with interventions!

Sad thing is most women think its normal. Its part of satans plan to destroy the family. To make women fear birth.

Yeah, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! So, if you have a birth with interventions it's because you fear birth and satan will destroy your family for it? Um, so, since over half of my births were natural, am I spared??

I am worried about my friend! She had wanted a natural birth, I sent her all my books (Ina May, Birthing From Within, etc.) She's been texting me for support all along, including last night when she was having contractions. She lives in a different state, near my sister, who just texted me that our friend is at the hospital. Her water broke around 1 this afternoon and she is at 2 cm, has been put on pitocin and already got her epidural. What?! Of course I'm not there so I don't know what kind of support she has or what is truly going on but I can' t help but feel disappointed! Why did she spend so much time preparing for natural to get an epidural at 2 cm? Did she not read the books I sent, does she not understand an epi at 2 can stall her labor? I am trying not to judge, I swear, but I know I am anyway. Maybe I'm taking this too personal because I have spent so much time with her about this I almost feel like her long distance labor coach. I hope the best for her but I don't feel good about this. This is the only place I could think of to come and "rant" a little. I would hate to take any of my frustration out on her. Pray for a good outcome for mama and baby.

Perhaps her friend decided she did not want to go natural after all?? Perhaps she realized labor HURT and didn't want to feel it anymore. At least this poster cannot claim her friend was uninformed right?? But, poor poster, how frustrating that her friends aren't birthing exactly how she wants them to!! I also love the pray for a good outcome statement as if having interventions or an epidural means impending death.

So, in the mind of natural birthers, if you don't give birth how they do, they are mad and heartbroken and all that other jazz. Really, with friends like these, who needs enemies? I am truly amazed that women are so quick to bash friends who aren't having all natural births. I have given birth seven times, with 4 of them being unmedicated. It hurts like hell. It really does. No amount of frau frau language is going to change it. If you want to give birth drug free, do it. Seriously, leave your friends to give birth how they want. Friends don't have to take a test to prove to you that they are informed about interventions. Why is it always assumed that women who do not have all natural non-intervention births aren't informed?? I come across this quite a bit. When I was a homebirther, I was so informed and knew my stuff, but as soon as I stepped into the mainstream, suddenly I knew nothing. Seriously?? Natural birthers don't know everything. It amazes me that they assume anyone who shuns the natural agenda is some uneducated moron when that is certainly not the case.

NCB advocates, when you are pregnant, have the birth you want (but please make sure you are REALLY informed and educated- no, reading a few Ina May books does not make you that way). When your friends are pregnant, it is their turn to decide what works for them and truly is not your business. So, mind YOUR own birth!

Mind your own birth

Since I began blogging and immersing myself in the birthing world, I get to come across lots of interesting blogs and people. On one facebook group, members can talk about how uneducated and uninformed their friends are when it comes to giving birth. It also hurts these women so very much when their friends don't have the births they feel their friends should. The only places I see this is on natural birth groups.

Another friend told me of a family member's horrible, mismanaged, traumatic (for mom, dad and baby), intervention-happy birth. I almost told her to stop...it broke my heart. Keep preaching the education and information mamas. Our friends and families need to be educated to be make informed choices for themselves! Start with a competent, knowledgeable, respectful care provider!!!

This is strictly opinion. However it proves that anyone who does not fall for the natural agenda MUST be uneducated and uninformed! How heartbreaking that someone had a birth with interventions!

Sad thing is most women think its normal. Its part of satans plan to destroy the family. To make women fear birth.

Yeah, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! So, if you have a birth with interventions it's because you fear birth and satan will destroy your family for it? Um, so, since over half of my births were natural, am I spared??

I am worried about my friend! She had wanted a natural birth, I sent her all my books (Ina May, Birthing From Within, etc.) She's been texting me for support all along, including last night when she was having contractions. She lives in a different state, near my sister, who just texted me that our friend is at the hospital. Her water broke around 1 this afternoon and she is at 2 cm, has been put on pitocin and already got her epidural. What?! Of course I'm not there so I don't know what kind of support she has or what is truly going on but I can' t help but feel disappointed! Why did she spend so much time preparing for natural to get an epidural at 2 cm? Did she not read the books I sent, does she not understand an epi at 2 can stall her labor? I am trying not to judge, I swear, but I know I am anyway. Maybe I'm taking this too personal because I have spent so much time with her about this I almost feel like her long distance labor coach. I hope the best for her but I don't feel good about this. This is the only place I could think of to come and "rant" a little. I would hate to take any of my frustration out on her. Pray for a good outcome for mama and baby.

Perhaps her friend decided she did not want to go natural after all?? Perhaps she realized labor HURT and didn't want to feel it anymore. At least this poster cannot claim her friend was uninformed right?? But, poor poster, how frustrating that her friends aren't birthing exactly how she wants them to!! I also love the pray for a good outcome statement as if having interventions or an epidural means impending death.

So, in the mind of natural birthers, if you don't give birth how they do, they are mad and heartbroken and all that other jazz. Really, with friends like these, who needs enemies? I am truly amazed that women are so quick to bash friends who aren't having all natural births. I have given birth seven times, with 4 of them being unmedicated. It hurts like hell. It really does. No amount of frau frau language is going to change it. If you want to give birth drug free, do it. Seriously, leave your friends to give birth how they want. Friends don't have to take a test to prove to you that they are informed about interventions. Why is it always assumed that women who do not have all natural non-intervention births aren't informed?? I come across this quite a bit. When I was a homebirther, I was so informed and knew my stuff, but as soon as I stepped into the mainstream, suddenly I knew nothing. Seriously?? Natural birthers don't know everything. It amazes me that they assume anyone who shuns the natural agenda is some uneducated moron when that is certainly not the case.

NCB advocates, when you are pregnant, have the birth you want (but please make sure you are REALLY informed and educated- no, reading a few Ina May books does not make you that way). When your friends are pregnant, it is their turn to decide what works for them and truly is not your business. So, mind YOUR own birth!

The nerve

By now, I think we all know who The Mama Tao is. She is the crunchiest of all crunchies. Some of the things posted, you have to wonder, "Is this chick for real?". The messed up thing is that this isn't just one blogger. This is an entire group that is promoting very dangerous and just purely stupid advice! I usually just let things/bloggers go and pay them no mind. However, after my last blog, one of Mama Tao's minions decided to attack all of us homebirth loss moms and it's ridiculous. Why can't we speak up??? She encourages people to treat us badly. We are good enough to support until we say that the birth location had anything to do with it!

The nerve

By now, I think we all know who The Mama Tao is. She is the crunchiest of all crunchies. Some of the things posted, you have to wonder, "Is this chick for real?". The messed up thing is that this isn't just one blogger. This is an entire group that is promoting very dangerous and just purely stupid advice! I usually just let things/bloggers go and pay them no mind. However, after my last blog, one of Mama Tao's minions decided to attack all of us homebirth loss moms and it's ridiculous. Why can't we speak up??? She encourages people to treat us badly. We are good enough to support until we say that the birth location had anything to do with it!

Silence, the attempted key to success in the midwifery community

It was recently brought to my attention that a mother who wrote a review for BirthCare, out of Alexandria VA, had her posts removed. This review was the ONLY negative one written. What had this client said so bad?? Her baby died after a breech delivery. Gosh, what was she thinking sharing anything negative, right? Sadly, this is not the only example of a woman silenced in the name of midwifery.

On MDC, don't you dare talk about a midwife not being good. If an arrest is made, question the government and support the midwife regardless. Remember that the baby would of died no matter what. However, if a dr or nurse screws up, shout it all over and help the activism movement. I have read all about women's experiences with Karen and she certainly prided herself on taking on those nobody else would touch! Breech, mulitiples, complications, etc?? She would handle them all!! They want HER to continue practicing???

Midwifery Today has an article written on What to do when a midwife has been charged. This article claims it has nothing to do with outcomes and everything to do with "part of a global struggle for control of maternity services, the key underlying issues being money, power, sex and choice.”. Thank you Marsden Wagner! You are suppose to help arrange community support for your midwife! Oddly enough, this also has a paragraph about the family (out of 24 of them). However, this article assumes the family supports the midwife and desperately needs her support. This article does not address that some people do not need their midwife around as they know the midwife screwed up and want to see her pay! Are women really that desperate that they just need their midwife even if she caused their child's death?? That truly reeks of psychological issues.

With this newest midwife arrest, of course, the Maryland Friends of Midwives has stepped up in her defense. They even have a brand new website set up to solicit donations and collect stories about how wonderful she is. Not surprising, I left a comment and am still waiting for approval 10 days later. I posted on their facebook page about how supporting incompetence is harming midwifery and showing it to be a dangerous option. I also shared that my midwife had so many infant deaths under her belt. Did they keep my comment up?? Course not! Just like NCFOM when Amy Medwin was arrested! I just posted this "I have to say, it is rather disheartening when the homebirth community refuses to acknowledge negative outcomes or address incompetance! ". I am sure it will be gone here very soon.

Why are those who say "this person hurt my child" or "this provider is killing too many babies" silenced? Do you really think that ignoring and silencing death will make it magically go away? If you don't acknowledge incompetance, does it suddenly make a provider competant? Do these midwifery organizations really think their behavior is helping midwifery look like a positive endeavor?? Are incompetant midwives making homebirth look like a safe or positive option?

So, if incompetant midwives are giving homebirth such a blemish, why not take care of the blemish instead of covering it up with a bandaid?? The blemish will not go away until it is taken care of properly, something most in the movement refuse to do. Our babies are a small sacrifice for those who worship at Ina's feet! "Oh, Ina, you want more dead babies?? OK, anything for homebirth and midwifery. And we'll make sure nobody hears about it".

I have one statement to make for those who don't care about all the dead babies on the alter of homebirth, and that is "Get the fuck over yourselves". I'm so fed up. I'm tired of silence. I'm tired of our babies not meaning a damn to anybody. This mother and her fellow homebirth loss moms are not going anywhere and we are here to fight for our children and the countless other children who will end up dead due to incompetance and ignorant activists!